Deconstructing My Desire To Sleep With Zach Galifianakis

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Breaking down the sex appeal of The Hangover III's hairiest star

Everyone’s favorite version of cinematic deja vu, The Hangover III, is coming out this week. I’m assuming that means a lot of alcohol, babies, small animals or some kind of other generally helpless being, and Mike Tyson. That’s not to say that the overwhelming repetition in the franchise’s second movie will stop people from seeing the third. Plus, things look a little different this time—there’s a giraffe. 

But aside from the giraffe, I think there’s one main reason why ticket sales will still be high: Zach Galifinakis. His dopey, loveable-but-probably-irritating-if-you-ever-had-to-actually-hang-out-with-him character, Alan, is the main draw of the series—Ok fine, maybe not for you Greg, but I’m talking about the masses. Prove me wrong! 

Why do I love Zack Galifianakis? Purely sexual reasons. Maybe he doesn’t have the finely chiseled jaw and charming smile of Bradley Cooper, but who needs any jaw at all when you’ve got a beard like that?  Here are five reasons I’d get all the way naked and then some for the presumably virginal Hangover character. 

1. He’s snarky

The whole premise of this Between Two Ferns ‘sode is that Steve Carell is just waiting for Zach to make fun of him, like he usually does to his show guests. But instead of acting confused or refusing to play along, Carell lobs the insult right back into Galifianakis's absorbent paunch. 

The argument escalates until Galifianakis is comparing his percentage of body fat to the percentage of how much Carell’s nose weighs. If I’m sleeping with you, I’m gonna throw that kind of snark your way, so you better be able to throw it back.

2. He’s a talented interviewer

The best part about Between Two Ferns is how it’s so often Galifianakis just asking questions at people. This one with Jon Hamm features one of my  favorite interview questions of all time: “Do you like websites?” You know what this shows me? He’s an intellectual, with an intellectual mind and an intellectual penis. It’s basic anatomy, you guys. 

3. He’s a chill, beer-drinking guy

I’m mostly just putting this in here as a plug for Michael Showalter, ‘cause I love that guy. And eye-patch-clad Michael “von” Showalter struts around his gallery describing art pieces like "Lump of Blue Shit." Zach is mostly a silent participant, stewing in the corner with a glass of beer, sometimes adding his artistic insight and possibly making out with a painting of Mel Gibson.  It’s a winner. 10/10 would watch again. 10/10 that nipple.

4. He’s a musician 

Under a dim spotlight, Galifianakis proves his musical and comedic prowess with some sensual piano playing and one-line jokes like “My brother has ADD which is weird, because he drives a Ford Focus.” He’s fucking tickling those ivories. Take me now. 

5. And finally…he plays this guy like it comes naturally

A wolf pack we’d all be lucky to be a part of.