Putin is Russia’s Newest, Most Eligible Bachelor

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Russia’s macho-man president is back on the black market.

Mothers, lock up your daughters (or he’ll lock them up for you)! Ladies, put on your best leopard skins and blood-tinted rouge! Russia’s macho-man president is back on the black market.

After thirty years of being in a marriage so amicable that most of us didn’t even know it existed, Putin’s wife and her handsome hubby announced that they were calling it quits. Walking out of a ballet performance, a reporter asked in a completely not orchestrated way how his relationship with his wife was going, to which Putin cheerily replied that they were embarking on a totally mutual split, his wife echoing his words and gazing at him with the rosy-eyed glow of a woman thinking “I can’t believe he’s actually letting me go.” The news came as a surprise to most Russians, who had long assumed that he was in a relationship with gymnast-turned-lawyer Alina Kabaeva, with whom he may or may not have born his two superhero babies.

And while a popular Russian television show was recently pulled off the air for making a spoof about Putin’s love life, this Russian-born American citizen thought there’s no better way to exercise my newfound constitutional rights than by putting together a list of what this dashing despot loves, what he’s looking for, and why he should be your next man of steel.

He’s compassionate

While most Russians naturally assumed that Putin had banished his wife to a nunnery, as was the tradition when dictators wanted to carry on affairs with other women, Putin graciously offered his wife a legal divorce. Compared to Stalin, who shot his wife, or Henry VIII, who beheaded half of his, I’d say letting her slink out of the spotlight slowly is pretty generous.

He respects women

When most men find themselves surrounded by hot topless women, they react with jubilant cries and degrading remarks. But not Putin. When a feminist protester flashed him with the words “Fuck off, Putin” written (somewhat uselessly) on her back, this shy soul just gave us his best Charmin bear face, had a hearty chuckle with his henchmen, and bashfully told reporters, “I liked it.” You don’t have to worry about Putin being led away by a pair of extra large mammary glands, he sees them every day! And who could forget his soft-spoken take on imprisoning punk rock band Pussy Riot “I hope they don’t get judged too harshly and that they learned from their mistakes…” and then, adorably dripping with double entendre, “Either way, they’re pretty tough chicks.” Thank you for believing in us, comrade Putin, and for always trying to paternally instill in us the tough lessons of life.

He is friend to all man and beast

He cradles puppies, he rides bears, he takes cuddly selfies with cougars. Not since Noah’s Ark has any man been so beloved by every creature that walks the earth. Which makes sense since, like Noah, the continuation of their species lies entirely in his hands.

He’s super popular

In high school, you were probably pretty giddy if you were dating the homecoming King, or anyone who won anything that got over 50% of the popular vote. Those numbers are mere child's play to Putin, whose run for president got over 147% of the popular vote. Putin is so popular that his popularity defies mathematics. He’s just that good.

He has good taste in jewelry

Remember when Putin “accidentally” stole the Super Bowl ring? No? Me neither, because it was a totally embarrassing incident that definitely didn’t happen. In 2005, the New England Patriots' owner purportedly took out his “expensive enough to buy a whole island with” diamond ring to give old Mickey Blue Eyes a closer inspection, after which it was never seen again. Putin doesn’t let a little thing like ownership hold him down. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is also mine.

He’s the real international man of mystery

Move over, Austin Powers, we all know where all the intrigue of mankind really lies. With those muscular arms and husky blue eyes, you never know whether his signature smirk that says “I know what’s going to happen and you don’t” means he’s about to propose or ship you off to the nearest gulag. Which, let’s face it, can be a little exciting. Who wants a boring, predictable, average Ivan anyway?