We have the savants over at Cosmopolitan to thank for the internet's latest skirmish. A June 4th article posted on Cosmo took aim against Reddit's r/Sex by suggesting that Reddit is a bunch of sexually befuddled "ultra-nerds" who you "must hook up with in college — and then never again." Naturally, we took Cosmo's potshot as an excuse to partake in one of our own favorite pastimes: Cosmo lampooning. Can you guess which of these fill-in-the-blank answers are of our own farcical devising and which are Cosmo genuine?
1. When on top, lean forward, and cup your ____[a]____ over his
a) i. mouth ii. fists iii. cotton balls iv. hands v. snuggie
____[b]____. Depriving him of this sense will heighten the others.
b) i. P-zone ii. scrotum iii. ears iv. tongue v. finger tips
2. Cup his shaft in your palm and place your mouth on his penis lengthwise. Move your head as if you’re playing a(n) ________ (you play that, right?) as you lick the sides. It’s a totally different feeling.
i. harmonica ii. sick guitar solo iii. bamboo flute iv. ocarina v. game of Mario Kart
3. I pushed him down onto the bed, grabbed a ____[a]____ from the package (which I had slyly hid on my night table), pulled down his boxers, and…placed the ____[a]____ on the tip of his hard penis. (Who knew you just have to mention oral sex and ____[a]____ to get a guy revved up in no time?)
a) i. Sour Patch Kid(s) ii. coffee bean(s) iii. ice cube(s) iv. Donette(s) v. travel size lube
I don't know how to describe it besides that it looked like a little ____[b]____.
b) i. bear on a ball ii. juggling routine iii. hat iv. Tibetan prayer beads bracelet v. wet tree
4. Get into your favorite go-to position for receiving oral, and loop his ____[a]____ around the back of his head. Grab onto either end of the ____[a]____
a) i. belt ii. necktie iii. wrist(s) iv. zip-off cargo shorts v. shoelaces
and use it/them like a pair of ____[b]____ to hold his head in place or pull slightly to increase the pressure of his tongue.
b) i. stirrups ii. pinball buttons iii. reins iv. earmuffs v. high voltage electrodes
5. Gently stick his penis through the hole and then nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while. The ________ texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.
i. silky ii. sandpapery iii. meaty iv. sugary v. syrupy
6. Come up with your own personal code for letting the other person know how close you are to orgasm. For instance, one ____[a]____
a) i. nibble(s) ii. corkscrew(s) iii. hand-tornado(s) iv. chomp(s) v. squeeze(s)
of the ___[b]_____ could mean you're 80 percent there, and two [a] might indicate that you're at 90 percent.
b) i. breast ii. balls iii. perineum iv. hand v. underside of the knee
7. "________ is/are usually a handicap, as far as I'm concerned," my divorced and dating friend Adam tells me over brunch. "I mean, for you it's some kind of fashion statement or whatever, but to most guys it says that you're wild and … different."
i. high waisted jeans ii. red hair iii. cartoon themed underwear iv. clogs v. old band T-shirts
8. Do something unexpected with toys you already have lying around the house, [like a] ____[a]____:
a) i. rolling pin ii. vibrator iii. yo-yo iv. vegetable peeler v. vibrating video game controller
Run this ____[b]____ over his back and thighs during an erotic massage.
b) i. sex toy classic ii. 1998 throwback iii. baker's basic iv. chef's tool v. nerd catnip
And two bonus pieces of advice from Reddit's r/Sex:
9. ________. It looks fun in the movies but when I tried, I was just "Oh, sorry hon."
i. shower sex ii. masturbating with baked goods iii. masturbating with vegetables iv. sex on a plane v. facials
10. [Try masturbating with] something hinged, like a ____[a]____ – one side of the handle in your vag, and one on the clit?
a) i. refrigerator door ii. can opener iii. golden locket iv. fancy corkscrew v. stapler
…[Maybe use the] top of a ____[b]____ for penetration?
b) i. pineapple ii. fuzzy pen iii. hot pocket iv. glass urn v. chilled bottle of wine
Answers (highlight with your cursor below for visibility):
1.(a) hands (b) ears; 2. harmonica; 3.(a) Donette (b) hat; 4.(a) necktie (b) reins; 5. sugary; 6.(a) squeeze (b) hand; 7. Red hair; 8.(a) rolling pin (b) baker's basic; 9. facials; 10.(a) can opener (b) chilled bottle of wine