You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You

Advice from Fred Armisen, Zach Galifianakis, and more.

Aziz Ansari

Dear Aziz:
How long can you spend masturbating to pictures of ex- girlfriends on Facebook before it becomes a problem?
Ethan
Boise, ID

Dear Ethan:
At the current time, I’d say you don’t have a problem. But if it moves from Facebook to Twitter and you are simply masturbating to her Twitter updates, then it’s time to step away and reassess the situation.
Aziz

Fred Armisen

Dear Fred:
What do you think is the best way to tell my dad I’m a lesbian? I’m thinking he’s already suspicious since I’m thirty- one and haven’t yet brought a guy home.
Jennifer Alfonso
Tampa, FL

Dear Jennifer:
I’ll tell him. What’s his number? Let me practice what I’m going to say to him. “Hi, Mr. Alfonso? I’m Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live on NBC.” No, no, no. “Hey! Señor Alfonso! Whatchoo’ doin’? Slap me five!” No. “Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let’s talk about your daughter.” No. I’ll figure it out. But again, his number, please.
Fred

Samantha Bee

Dear Samantha:
Why, to put it delicately, does the carpet not always match the drapes?
Gavin Katz
Woodbury, MN

Dear Gavin:
Oh my god, did I just wake up in a 1970s porno? Nobody lays broadloom anymore; it’s hardwood all the way. At the most you might put a runner down for a little traction, but that’s it. Your question is irrelevant. You’re like an adorable little anachronism. Did you type this question on your typewriter and send it in via pony?
Samantha

Rob Corddry

Dear Rob:
The other day somebody asked me what my spirit animal is, and I honestly had no idea what to tell him. Where would I find this information? And do I get a say in the matter?
Brendan S. G.
Albuquerque, NM

Dear Brendan:
I will answer your question in the form of a story, not unlike the way Jesus would.

When I was a young man, I was an avid hiker. I would spend hours walking trails, communing with nature. It was there that I developed a profound communion with the residents of the forest. It was there that I felt I could communicate with them on some basic level. It was also there that I ate a poisonous mushroom and tripped my nuts off for days until the forest ranger found me living in a burned- out car surrounded by waterlogged Playboy magazines.

Long parable short, my spirit animal is Miss February 1986’s vagina.
Rob

Paul Feig

Dear Paul:
My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up in two weeks, and I only have five bucks to my name until I get paid next month. Any ideas?
Jay
Oakland, CA

Dear Jay:
You poor bastard. Literally. Five bucks until next month’s paycheck? I know the economy is bad but yikes. What your girlfriend needs for her birthday is a new boyfriend with a better- paying job. I’m just kidding. Hittin’ you with a little tough love because even though I’ve only known you for five seconds, you’re like a son to me. You sound like a good, earnest guy and the fact that you would spend your last five dollars on a present for your girlfriend and not something crazy like food or paying your electric bill makes me want to help you out. I’d say take that five bucks to an office supply store, buy a hundred sheets of paper; a roll of tape, and a Magic Marker, write “Happy Birthday (your girlfriend’s name)!” on each of the hundred pieces of paper, and then tape the papers all along the route your girlfriend takes to work in the morning. She’ll love the gesture and if she doesn’t, well, then break up with her. She’s not worth spending your hard- earned cash on.
Feig out!