FICTION



Alvin Happens Upon the Greatest Line Ever by Robert Olen Butler
  


There must be a God. Now that all those nations that got together — who knows which ones? — I've never been any good in Mr. Frank's geography class — Russia's one of them and Korea's one, I think, some Korea or other — now that they've launched their nuclear missiles and we've launched ours and all the old geezer anchormen are crying at the same time — zap, zap, zap with the remote in my hand and Tom and Peter and Dan are weeping like babies right there before us, one after the other — now that all this end-of-the-world stuff everybody's been talking about till you just want to go, "Oh shut up, you people," now that it's finally suddenly happening, here I find myself sitting on a couch right beside the hottest girl in school, right here in the church teen center, and nobody else is around but her and me. Like, I've got these parents who are probably taking the trash out now, cleaning the toilets or something, determined not to let a thing like this upset their routine. They had to drop me off for the Youths for Jesus meeting half an hour early so I wouldn't be late no matter how bad things sounded on the TV. And Jennifer Platt is sitting here right next to me, her own parents out of town somewhere, and she walked over from her house, not even knowing how things were going in the world, her being the silliest, hottest, sweetest girl God ever created. And now she sits beside me, me of all people, with my face breaking out and my hair geeking around on my head, and her long daisy-blond hair is rippling down her back and her big blue eyes are wide with terror, turned up to the TV watching Dan Rather mopping at his eyes with a handkerchief, and she's making a little choking sound in her throat.
      "Is this, like, for real?" she finally manages to say.
      "Yes," I say. "It's all over, Jennifer. Life on planet Earth."
      "Aren't there supposed to be horsemen or whatever?" she says.
      "Horsemen?"
      "Like in the Book of Revelations?"
      She's looking at me now in a way she never has. She's got nobody else. Her eyes are as blue as the sky that's about to disappear for a year or so in the nuclear winter and they are still wide with how wonked-out she is. These eyes are turning to me for guidance, but I never have listened very close to the prophecies and stuff that Pastor Lynch has been trying to explain. I've been too busy watching Jennifer Platt and thinking I didn't have a shot in the world at her and praying that I was wrong. God does answer prayer. I can finally testify to that.
      I say, "Nobody ever knew what that horsemen stuff meant. Now it's clear. God's brought us together to cleave unto each other." I like that, "cleave." I think I've absorbed more in this place than I realize.
      Her eyes widen a little bit more. "What are you saying, Alvin?"
      "I'm like the horseman."
      "Pardon me?"
      "To carry you away."
      "You can't run from the bomb, Alvin," she says, and her voice is faint.
      "I'm talking, like, in metaphors, Jen. Carry you away in the passion that God has put between a man and a woman when they, uh, cleave. Like, aren't we Adam and Eve here? Only in reverse? Like we're the last two left? See, God arranged this."
      She's getting confused, but I figure that's okay. She's not saying "no" right off. I'm plugging into a thing she's been looking forward to. Maybe not with me. But I'm in the ballpark. I say, "The missiles are going to hit real soon. There's nowhere else to go. But here we are, you and me. God realizes that neither one of us wants to die a virgin."
      Jennifer suddenly looks away and clamps down with her teeth on the knuckle of her right forefinger.
      I can hear myself. I'm impressed. Here it is, what's going on outside, and with the White House about twenty miles from where I'm sitting — Jennifer and I are pretty much on ground zero — and I'm being cool as Harrison Ford or somebody.
      Jennifer stops biting her knuckle and looks back at me. Her eyes aren't wide anymore. They're narrow. She's suddenly pretty cool herself. I know she's considering my geekhood. This is the moment when I'm vulnerable. I'm sitting here wishing I knew more about the Bible. I maybe could find just the right passage. Something like, "Give thou to the plain man and thou shalt have riches in Heaven." Which isn't bad, really. I'm thinking about quoting that and pretending it's real. But Jennifer lasers her eyes up and down my body and then she looks at the television.
      Just as she does, Dan Rather stares straight at the camera and says, in a quavery voice, "Speaking simply for this reporter, I'd suggest you go as quickly as you can to someone you love and hold them close."
      Jennifer's face swings back to me. I figure Dan has given me a real boost here. This should be it. But Jennifer seems to have simply gone back to checking me out, critically. I know there's not much time.
      And suddenly I have words. I cry, "Jennifer Platt, the world's coming to an end! We must have sex!"
      Her face softens. Well, not softens exactly, because it's still not, like, soft. But the criticism is gone. The hard eyes are no longer hard. She nods very faintly and she stands up and puts her thumbs in the elastic waistband of her skirt and I can feel my Little Mister Man rising in my pants like a mushroom cloud. I can even set aside the hatred I have for my mother giving such a name as that to my dick and making it stick in my head, like, forever. All that vanishes from me. There is only Jennifer Platt, her skirt down at her ankles now and her legs long and smooth rising to her panties where her thumbs are now poised in the waistband and the very tip of me, the tip of, yes, Little Mister Man, is throbbing like crazy and I say a quick thank you to God, who is definitely in his Heaven.
      And now the panties descend and a sweet golden plume rises from the center of her and it is a color darker than the hair that is cascading around her face now, this gold, it is not the color of daisies but of sunlight on a white wall at the end of the day. A stopping happens inside me. I cannot breathe from the beauty of it. The beauty of the hair of her loins and also the beauty of sunlight on the wall.
      She is moving, lying down on the other end of the couch, and she opens her legs and I am still struggling to draw a breath, and something else is going on inside me. The sunlight will not show itself in this world like Jennifer Platt's pubic hair ever again, not with anyone alive to see it. Jennifer's legs are open and I look at this secret place on her body and it is as pretty as her face, it is the pink of my mother's azaleas and it is pouting like a spoiled child and I love this soft place as it draws me to it, asks me to enter, and it whispers to me now of all that there is to destroy in this world, my mother's flowers and her hands that tend them and the spoiled children and the good children, and I cannot move, I feel the warmth of my tears and I am afraid.

 



For more Robert Olen Butler, read:

Stars and Stripes Forever

Liquor License

Alvin Happens Upon the Greatest Line Ever

Deep Green Sea (a preview)




©2000 Robert Olen Butler and Nerve.com

Commentarium (27 Comments)

Jun 29 00 - 7:09am
mph

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Jun 29 00 - 10:21pm
sml

Ahh. NO! I want to know if they fucked or not. I want to know if the pastor walked in on them. I want to know if the TV gave the all clear and she freaked out and kicked him! I want to know god damn it!!

Jun 30 00 - 11:40am
ejc

The end of that sotry was really dumb.

Jun 30 00 - 8:51am
fl

Why does this piece, signed by a man, seem as though written by a woman?

Jul 03 00 - 5:28pm
pg

Profoundly captivating.. a strangely romantic piece.

Jul 03 00 - 10:45pm
msu

Why does this voice not ring true?

Jul 04 00 - 6:59pm
TJA

I don't know what everyone else has a problems with, I find it very captivating.

Jul 05 00 - 11:24am
J.H.

Hahahaha! This is the single weirdest/greatest thing I've read in months...

Aug 05 00 - 6:28am
gt

Pretty cool story.

Sep 12 02 - 10:45am
eow

Alvin (or his writer) hasn't spent much time with the Bible.
It's the Book of Revelation, not the Book of Revelations.

Sep 12 02 - 10:52am
bt

Yah maan,
this good verry good
imaginative, creative, how is you say? process

Sep 12 02 - 10:55am
OLT

Brilliant, funny and hot. My favorite nerve story in ages.

Sep 12 02 - 11:11pm
kp

um, didn't you already publish this piece?

Sep 12 02 - 12:33pm
JD

This was great. Made me laugh.

Sep 12 02 - 2:20pm
dp

This riveting story is as urgent and timely as anything written right now. Unforgettable final paragraph.

Sep 12 02 - 2:36pm
HX

Wow. Very very good. Thanks.

Sep 12 02 - 3:03pm
mj

pretty damn funny!

Sep 12 02 - 5:55pm
jb

......hmmmmm.... seem to have read something verrrryy similar sometime somewhere....

Sep 13 02 - 2:03am
JEH

I like your story. Truely, I could feel it. I was in the Army during the 9-11 happenings, watching the TV from my bed as my wife held her pregnant tummy of 9 months. The very moment the 2nd plane hit, and the phone rang telling me to grab my bags and report to HQ, I held my wife, and admired every beautiful part of her body, my unborn son pressing on her tummy, and was scared that it might be my last time holding her. 2 days later, I thanked god as I went home, I wasn't sent... THIS TIME...

Sep 16 02 - 8:21am
EFH

Dumb and pretentious.

Like all "writing"on Nerve.

Sep 16 02 - 7:18pm
np

perfect. short, clever, sharp.

Sep 25 02 - 2:37pm
JAJ

What is this? Catcher in the Rye, XXX style? This one-pager belongs in the trash heap.

You're a despicable, terrible writer.

Sep 26 02 - 2:04pm
lust

seems like the story could have used moderate editing, as it rambled needlessly sometimes. ...but good work using an ordinary vocabulary to say extraordinary things. while reading, i found myself either laughing or contemplating--never neither--which is a great thing. :) this is one of the best short stories i've read in awhile...

Sep 29 02 - 10:49am
MV

I liked it but... I want an ending. I hate stories that just leave you there wondering. But good.

Oct 07 02 - 4:35am
et

lously ending come on a little bit dreamy don't you think

Oct 19 02 - 4:48pm
AM

Realllly fucking trite. It's pure male fantasy. An easy teenaged girl, complete with blonde hair and blue eyes and an IQ to match the stereotype. Oh, wait, he didn't say she was stupid, he said she was "silly". Well, that's much better. How progressive. Not to mention the fact of the very probable outcome of a premature ejaculation for him and distinct discomfort for her.

But really, I have no problem with that, in itself. What makes it ridiculous is the pretension at the end when the author projects this naivete onto the girl. I mean, he objectifies her, but then tries to make it this transcendent event. But basically she's just a vehicle for his sudden jump into quasi-sainthood when he fears for all the little children. Bah.

Nov 24 02 - 11:05am
elm

The American obsession with September 11 just isn't shared by the rest of the world. I therefore find it difficult to
'get' the mindset this sprang from. Also it would be a pretty crap deflowering for her if there was no foreplay involved.

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