The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
This month, a scorned lover has revenge sex with his ex, a married man indulges in an acid trip and an extramarital affair, and a philandering shrink discovers the perils and pleasure of Astroglide. Rate each entry below in three categories: literary merit, heat and originality. Each month's highest-ranked entry will proceed to the year-end competition. Two winners of that contest will be announced: grand prize (as chosen by a panel of a celebrity judges) and readers' choice. The judges' pick will receive $1,934, commemorating the publication date of Tropic of Cancer.
"Here's the deal," she says. "First you go down on me. I want to get off at least three times. Then I'm still bottom, you're top, but this time it's from the back, hands and knees, and I want it in the ass with plenty of this." She holds up the bottle. "Don't worry. I'm clean. I always make sure. After that, when I tell you, we do vaginal but still on all fours and you fuck me, and you go deep — you're in as far as you can possibly get, until I come, which might take a little while, or it could be fast. We'll just have to see. The good news is then you're rewarded for all your hard work. You don't have to hold back any longer."
It's accurate to say that a lot of him feels good while somewhere on the periphery of himself he's aware of a slight, shivery sort of nausea, like the distant approach of a migraine or fever, that first warning of infection. ...read more
"Here's the deal," she says. "First you go down on me. I want to get off at least three times. Then I'm still bottom, you're top, but this time it's from the back, hands and knees, and I want it in the ass with plenty of this." She holds up the bottle. "Don't worry. I'm clean. I always make sure. After that, when I tell you, we do vaginal but still on all fours and you fuck me, and you go deep — you're in as far as you can possibly get, until I come, which might take a little while, or it could be fast. We'll just have to see. The good news is then you're rewarded for all your hard work. You don't have to hold back any longer."
It's accurate to say that a lot of him feels good while somewhere on the periphery of himself he's aware of a slight, shivery sort of nausea, like the distant approach of a migraine or fever, that first warning of infection.
She tastes like no other woman he's encountered. Of course, he hasn't had his tongue between anyone's legs besides Carole's for seventeen years, and it's not as if he was some junior Casanova before, but something about this girl, maybe it's the Astroglide, reminds him of a low-calorie sweetener, sucralose or aspartame, a slightly puckery, syrupy savor like those old fluoride treatments he'd get at the dentist's office when he was a kid, anticavity gel leaking from the mold into his mouth, a gaggy trickle going down the back of his throat.
Her first orgasm is demure compared with the bucking and howling he expected; the second, after an intermission of less than a minute, a carbon copy of the first. The third he has to work for, resorting to his fail-safe, tongue-punishing technique that leaves his mouth ringing with exertion. She curls up so abruptly that it's a challenge to hang on to her, to keep his tongue in the spot he's found, the right spot, the one that makes her writhe and howl, a freaky, unfeminine noise, the kind of noise, frankly, he would have thought a woman couldn't make, but so sexy: throaty and wet, a low growl that rises octave by octave into a wail. As long as it takes for her to arrive at this climax, and as long as it is that she manages to ride it, there's no denouement: one minute she's curled up, spine lifted from the floor and her face twisted in a knot of concentration; the next she pops up and flips right over, pushing the Astro stuff into his hand before she settles into position on her hands and knees. click to close
He'd stood in the doorway of his darkened room and he could tell by her breathing that she wasn't asleep, but that she was pretending to be and that he had to pretend she was, as well, in order to do what he wanted to do to her. He thought at the time he was sick for wanting to lift her dress, for wanting to lick and suck at her cotton underwear, for wanting to get his mouth inside her underwear, for wanting to kiss her, which he couldn't do because that was her face and she was supposed to be asleep. So he kept his face between her legs, intoxicated by the strange smell of her, by the taste of her, by the fact that she was letting him do this to her, letting him kiss her there. He thought he would die; his heart was lurching in his chest like a kicking foot. When he finally pulled aside one of the elasticized bands of her underpants and when he finally got his tongue right up the center of her parted flesh to this hard knot he couldn't leave alone, she made a noise that unnerved and electrified him. He knew this was why he had put his head between her legs in the first place. ...read more
He'd stood in the doorway of his darkened room and he could tell by her breathing that she wasn't asleep, but that she was pretending to be and that he had to pretend she was, as well, in order to do what he wanted to do to her. He thought at the time he was sick for wanting to lift her dress, for wanting to lick and suck at her cotton underwear, for wanting to get his mouth inside her underwear, for wanting to kiss her, which he couldn't do because that was her face and she was supposed to be asleep. So he kept his face between her legs, intoxicated by the strange smell of her, by the taste of her, by the fact that she was letting him do this to her, letting him kiss her there. He thought he would die; his heart was lurching in his chest like a kicking foot. When he finally pulled aside one of the elasticized bands of her underpants and when he finally got his tongue right up the center of her parted flesh to this hard knot he couldn't leave alone, she made a noise that unnerved and electrified him. He knew this was why he had put his head between her legs in the first place. He didn't know where or how it ended for a girl, he only knew how it ended for him, in that messy and surprising way he'd discovered on his own, which he tried to keep from happening to him at night.
But he didn't get to see how it ended for her because she sat up suddenly and looked at him, as if he had awakened her, and then he started thinking maybe he really had. He didn't know what she was thinking. She said nothing, she did nothing, just looked at him, her mouth open and her hair tangled in the strap of her dress. It wasn't until later, with other girls, that he understood he had actually made her come, that despite his ignorance he had brought her to the very end of it all, and that she had sat up to look at him after, amazed and speechless. But back then he didn't know this, and back then he couldn't think of a single thing to say, a single possible explanation for what he was doing. So there was nothing for it but to take his hand out from under her dress, to hear her sigh as he did this, to back out of the room and pretend nothing had gone on, that he'd just come in and crawled on the bed like that to look for a coat or something. The minute he left, he felt like an idiot, but having walked out he felt he couldn't go back. click to close
They woke up late in the day and took the acid.
The idyll of the cheap hotel room, pencil and paper pad, doughnuts, streaky window, sex.…
The trails that everything leaves. Eyes in action, nerves, brain. Or is it "everythings leave?" What, wait, I'm (confused). You can trace back to my brain, and thence to penis. Which evacuates liquid waste and is the…Down there with the intestinal exit for solid waste. Where does the time go? It goes into airless places, taking your breath for its scuba gear.
A touch: "merge"…? Mouth to nipple, etc. "Wouldn't it be booful if we could juth run together into one gwate big bwob?" Let your goosey flesh feed you: smells, views, eroticism, etc. I is a projector. Lost powers of speech. Everything but everything was sex, mental hurt, and it was hard to take. Which did you want to keep, this or the rest? Now you may cry ...read more
They woke up late in the day and took the acid.
The idyll of the cheap hotel room, pencil and paper pad, doughnuts, streaky window, sex.…
The trails that everything leaves. Eyes in action, nerves, brain. Or is it "everythings leave?" What, wait, I'm (confused). You can trace back to my brain, and thence to penis. Which evacuates liquid waste and is the…Down there with the intestinal exit for solid waste. Where does the time go? It goes into airless places, taking your breath for its scuba gear.
A touch: "merge"…? Mouth to nipple, etc. "Wouldn't it be booful if we could juth run together into one gwate big bwob?" Let your goosey flesh feed you: smells, views, eroticism, etc. I is a projector. Lost powers of speech. Everything but everything was sex, mental hurt, and it was hard to take. Which did you want to keep, this or the rest? Now you may cry.
Metallic taste.
But Christ, the thrill of being with this boy with whom he could do anything, and the boy not only allowed it (whether or not the boy'd go along with it) but was smart and similar enough so that Paul knew he was understood. . .It was love, the "stuff" of love, as petty as that may be.
"I HATE WORDS." But there's no substitute. They're my life, they're my wife. I FUCK MYSELF. Oh Christ, don't think "wife." Oh shit.
T.'s head is streaming like a horse. Those nostrils. The red and pink where they cup against his face. Paul's eyes won't stop that surprised watering. T's shoulder blades were deers' hooves.
"your lips are indeed a disaster of alienated star-knots"
The taste of his unwashed, uncut dick as Paul sucked it and T. listened to Velvet Underground on headphones stuck in a cheap portable record player he'd borrowed from the desk clerk…Paul was his appliance too and got into it like a baby curled up sucking for his own pleasure but subordinate to Him who hardly noticed as if it practically wasn't a person to Him, but purely a tool. Paul almost lost his mind it made him so happy still, and the chains went on linking in either direction. . .And the taste! And his own cock rousing, to put it mildly, from its muddle of crotch smell as he did it, stars in his eyes, skin moistening with the opening-out, every hole, pore, a socket, as nature abhors a vacuum, he almost shit his pants. . .Jerked himself off while he sucked the cock, and — like fireworks — …hypnagogic visions…The moisture at every turn. Shivers…
T. would also go soft and sweet on him like the dawns he liked so much.
That dawn they lay side by side describing the limping fauns and children fading from where they'd crept and sauntered forth with the new light in their minds in the small hotel room.
"Maybe LSD is our compensation for these grotesque brains," he said. click to close
A pink sun stalked the last of the lavender shadows, and simmered the sea to umpteen shades of green. A breeze teased dangling petals from flowers. Eva and Dart hadn't moved from the lounge on the patio.
Dart's hand moved in her, and then touched her where she craved to be touched. Then her belly and brain clenched like a fist and opened like a star. Light, star bright. She saw the last few, in the brightening skies, and started crying. Her leg hurt. Too many things are happening at the same time.
Dart was tuned into Eva enough — the fingers came out smoothly — to say, "I'm not here to hurt you."
Eva was inundated. She was wiping out.
"It's okay," Dart said. "Be louder. You're killing yourself." ...read more
A pink sun stalked the last of the lavender shadows, and simmered the sea to umpteen shades of green. A breeze teased dangling petals from flowers. Eva and Dart hadn't moved from the lounge on the patio.
Dart's hand moved in her, and then touched her where she craved to be touched. Then her belly and brain clenched like a fist and opened like a star. Light, star bright. She saw the last few, in the brightening skies, and started crying. Her leg hurt. Too many things are happening at the same time.
Dart was tuned into Eva enough — the fingers came out smoothly — to say, "I'm not here to hurt you."
Eva was inundated. She was wiping out.
"It's okay," Dart said. "Be louder. You're killing yourself."
It humbled her that someone could know, instinctively, or have cobbled together some psychic memory strong enough to move his finger a certain way, or a certain thing. Eva wondered how some people knew what to do. Ron's wide face entered her mind. She pushed at it, and the effort made her face more wet, her neck and ears wet. Every morning second on the patio was Billie Holiday-Solomon Burke fierce with truth. Ringing, and wringing. She'd had orgasms of different kinds with connoisseurs who knew how to make them. But it was Dart's solemnity that encouraged a sparkly, open-sky, light feeling — mind blank, but completely stimulated, a shimmering sheet that shakes and shakes everything out. Like with Ron, but by Dart's own methods, their sex pulled Eva tight, popped her, sent her back to girlhood. She'd always felt she couldn't have too much of this kind of lovemaking. That if she did, she'd never leave the bed to pee even or to eat. She'd weep all the time.
"You did good," Dart said, his voice softer than she'd heard it. Eva was ashamed that she took such comfort in his confirmation of her self. Gold star for me. I'm weak as hell.
All along, he'd said, "Good…good. Mmmhmm," in response to her every twitch, or ooh or ahh. Careful, verbal pats on the back that soothed Eva as much as if he were saying, You are okay. .You're doing fine. You're a good person. You are a fine girl.
"Your arms are so pretty."
She nodded.
"Your hands are soft like a baby's."
"Thank you."
He put salty, body-scented fingers near her mouth. His nails soft and bitten down to the quick. Then more Eva tears at the coziness and affection she hadn't felt since Italy, on the road with Imperial Court and Trix, and Ron. She thought she could smell Ron in the dawn air as Dart kissed her toes and then tried to put his face inside her. She shrieked, tried to let him in further, and in a Ron-like move, Dart squeezed Eva's butt so hard it went beyond pain to pure loveliness to her saying stop and not meaning it. click to close
From: "Charmed, I'm Sure" by Eric Albert
As published in Three Kinds of Asking For It
(Touchstone)
He followed her, his erection a compass and her naked buttocks north. She took him to her bedroom. He saw a bureau photograph of her and Rob in fluorescent ski outfits. Their bedroom.
"How's sex with Robbie?"
"Fine."
"Good as with me?"
"I don't compare."
David took her arm. "The hell you don't. Tell me what you miss."
She shook free and looked at him defiantly. "Doggy-style."
"He won't fuck you from behind?"
"He feels it would degrade me." Defiance masked defensiveness. She flinched when David laughed.
"As if. Get on the bed. Hands and knees. Head down, butt up." ...read more
He followed her, his erection a compass and her naked buttocks north. She took him to her bedroom. He saw a bureau photograph of her and Rob in fluorescent ski outfits. Their bedroom.
"How's sex with Robbie?"
"Fine."
"Good as with me?"
"I don't compare."
David took her arm. "The hell you don't. Tell me what you miss."
She shook free and looked at him defiantly. "Doggy-style."
"He won't fuck you from behind?"
"He feels it would degrade me." Defiance masked defensiveness. She flinched when David laughed.
"As if. Get on the bed. Hands and knees. Head down, butt up."
Iris obeyed. David surveyed her. The position. Submissiveness incarnate. Some atavistic impulse made him ache to ravage all her holes at once, to fuck her senseless.
He got on the bed and knelt behind her. He put his penis at her opening. Half a year of fantasies come true. He rested his palms lightly on her back. "Miss me?"
The words hung in the air for seconds. "Sometimes."
He entered her. Slowly. Savoring each quarter inch of territory. Then back out. And in. And out. Quicker. He rocked his pelvis in the satisfying rhythm of the centuries.
"Squeeze," he said.
Iris tightened down, increasing friction all along his penis. So good.
David moved inside her. He stiffened his penis and instantly she sighed with pleasure. Like old times. He stiffened his penis again then again, loving the louder and louder moans he drew from her. He gripped her hips and took her faster. Her head swung wildly side to side. He hammered her home. She was yelling as she came. Her vaginal muscles went on automatic, hugging, slacking, hugging, slacking.
The phone on the bedside table rang. She halted midway on his penis. Another ring.
"Take the call, Iris."
She stretched carefully, keeping him inside, and reached for the phone. She rested on her elbows so she could hold it to her ear.
"Hello. Oh, hi, honey."
He'd known it would be Rob. His replacement.
Iris rocked slowly. He knew she was struggling to keep control. He needed her to lose that fight. He met her with a small thrust forward, so her buttocks banged his crotch. Again. Again. Again. His penis felt her tighten. She clamped her hand across her mouth. He gave her three strong, stiff strokes. Her body shook violently, and she dropped the phone. Her muscles spasmed around his penis. He came hard, spurting deep inside her. She collapsed on the bed, and he collapsed on her, chest to back. She was soaked with sweat.
She grabbed the phone. "Sorry, what was that, honey? . . . Oh, I plan to ask Lynn for her opinion first. We'll be living with this for years. I'll let you know what she says….See you at six. Love you. Bye."
She lay beneath him, panting heavily, not moving. His penis slowly shrank, then slipped out. He peeled his skin from hers. They rolled onto their sides, face close to face. He looked into her hazel eyes.
"You liked that."
She nodded gently. "But what am I going to tell Rob?"
"About my come in your cunt? Lie to him. Like you did to me." click to close
