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Rose & Olive
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Scanner
Your daily cup of WTF?
The Modern Materialist
Almost everything you want.
Autumn Sonnichsen
A fashionable L.A. photo editor exploring all manner of hyper-sexual
girls down south.
ScreenGrab
The Nerve Film Blog
Chase
The creator of Supercult.com poses his pretty posse.
The Remote Island
Nerve's TV blog.
61 Frames Per Second
Smarter gaming.
ScreenGrab
The Nerve Film Blog
Slice
Each month a new artist; each image a new angle.
Paper Airplane Crush
A San Francisco photographer on the eternal search for the girls of summer.
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By
the time I reached spaceport security I'd taken to smiling idiotically in all
directions so as to give the cameras the impression I was innocent. According
to my screenwork, I was headed to Saturn to conduct "research" for the science
corporation where I worked. In actuality, I'd registered with an underground,
interplanetary dating service. Along with getting arrested, I worried the alien
creature from Saturn with whom I'd been retina-messaging all week — her
name was Z)(Z — was actually a he, or worse, a kidnapper looking to sell
my body parts to some illegal market.
Sex with a female from this particular region on Saturn
allegedly bordered on the implausible. In the last message, Z)(Z had explained
that on her planet group sex was common. While she'd never done it with one mate,
the prospect of it excited her greatly. I'd never had sex with a group, I'd messaged
her. It's not that great, she messaged back. What I hadn't told her is that since
my marriage of twelve years ended, I couldn't stop obsessing about my soon-to-be-ex wife; and that I was hoping an alien might free me from this affliction. I
was removing my Molar PC, no longer worried about getting caught when the security
guy's wand beeped near my buttocks. "Oh that," I laughed, "it's my iPod."
"I'm afraid we're going to have to scan your pants,
sir."
"Look, I realize you're just doing your job, but I if
I don't make this ship, my . . . my boss will kill me."
A younger security guard walked over and said, "That
the new iPod Hemorrhoid?"
"Yes!"
"How is it?"
"Great," I said, my heart rattling, "I mean, a little
weird at first, but once you get used to the vibration it's . . . cool."
"Cool?" the older guard said, "what're you — some kind
of Democrat?"
"Nah," I laughed, annoyed, "my nephew says that word
a lot. It's back in fashion, I think." Re-inserting my Molar PC, I was tempted
to tell him my grandfather had been one of the last Democrats who had died during
the revolution. I kept quiet and hurried for the gate, anxious to leave this
godforsaken planet.
Once I settled into my seat on the ship, thoughts of my wife resurfaced. I called
her. When she answered, I thought, "Hey."
"Oh," she thought back, her tone somewhat muted, "hi."
"You with him?" I thought.
"Why are you torturing yourself like this?"
"Why are you answering then, huh?"
A high-pitched ring triggered in my head.
"Sir!" thought the steward, "the Pilotor has alerted
us that we are about to launch. You are violating PAA code."
"Sweetie!" I thought. She was gone.
"And sir?"
"Yes?"
"Don't call me sweetie."
Prick. I pressed the call button and another steward
rushed over to my seat. "Excuse me," I said, "can I have the medicine dispenser
. . . I mean, like, right now?"
Seconds later, she dropped a dispenser on my lap. It
was much smaller than most spacelines but whatever, I typed: "escape" and watched
little Pf spin around until it said, "Try again. Sorry." I typed: "pining after
wife . . . horny sad lonely thirsty worried
I reached over and touched her thigh; it was the size of a tree, the skin slippery. |
forehead sweat." The little Pf spun
around on the screen and then a purple pill slid into the tray. The purple kind
always made me ill. I swallowed it, anyway . . . and awoke to the Pilotor speaking
in my head: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Saturn."
The spaceport looked like any other spaceport, really.
We were escorted by your basic robot through a hallway whose walls seemed to
emanate an astonishingly comforting light. We were led to another craft whose
seats came equipped with medicine dispensers. I immediately typed "escape." This
time, the familiar pink pill slid into the tray and I ate it. Seconds later,
I was a velvet blanket lying alone in sun-drenched field, just happy to
be alive.
Z)(Z was approximately sixteen feet tall, with eyes the size of grapefruits,
and skin covered in pastel spots that, although I couldn't be sure, may have
changed shapes every so often. Instead of feet, her arms and legs came to an
elegant point I found erotic. We rode in her little craft in silence. Frankly,
I felt like a child in the gigantic seat. When we exited the tunnel from the
spaceport, I almost fainted at the beauty of the sky. It was a lemon color infused
with red veins that flashed intermittently. I began to weep uncontrollably.
"It's the air pressure," she said, peering down at me
with her gargantuan eyes.
I nodded, convinced my sadness had managed to trump the
air pressure. It suddenly dawned on me we were moving along water.
"My brother," she said, "works for the government, and
often flies to your planet. It can be exhausting."
The structures we passed were infinitely high and supported
by translucent beams that reflected the red veins of light.
"To be perfectly honest," I said, trying to sound inoffensive, "I
guess I never considered the height factor a — "
"Factor?"
"Yes," I laughed. "by the way, your translator mechanism
is excellent."
"I sense you're feeling emasculated by my height."
"I don't know . . . I think I could be into it." I reached
over and touched her thigh; it was the size of a tree, the skin slippery.
"I sense you miss someone from the past."
"Jesus, you sense a lot."
"Mostly, you worry she doesn't miss you."
I nodded, wondering why we were the only craft on the
water. Maybe she was kidnapping me!
"Still," she went on, "with all this confusion in your
head, you still want to sleep with me."
I laughed.
"It's okay. I'd like to sleep with you as well."
"Great," I said, worrying I'd be one or two yards shorter
than what she was used to. "Your kind are very direct. I like that."
She pulled over to one of the beams whose top rose into
the sky. After a distinctive click, we rocketed into the air so rapidly that my head began to expand.
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