The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Please, Drew Barrymore, don't do a dating reality show! Plus: Christmas at 30 Rock, another Gossip Girl couple, and since when is Elisha Cuthbert 'sloppy seconds'?
When you go on the Internet and check out the pervert sites, it refreshes your respect for range. It's a rainbow world out there, and depending on where you stand on the pervert spectrum, it can make you feel small-time or pretty pleased with yourself. Take Aboveaveragedicks.com. It's modestly named. The dicks are substantially above average. The dicks of my acquaintance that are anatomically attached to people do not look like the cocks of stud racing horses or the limbs of 300-year-old trees. The "above average dicks" do. One was photographed from a worm's-eye view and curled up toward its host's ripped abs like an elephant's trunk. I wouldn't be surprised if it could pick up peanuts. Recently, my friend Bruce offered to show me a video of a guy pissing into his own mouth. I was eating dinner at the time and asked if I could take a rain check. Mr. Elephant Dick could certainly accomplish that feat.
The sites endeavor to protect the young. "Leave now if it is illegal for you to see naked women," they entreat grade-schoolers who may not have boned up on the law. Even if they have, they're free to view pictures of naked men employing their orifices in imaginative ways. There is no evangelizing, unless, of course, you're into that. It is a come-as-you-are environment. Although many of the menu choices strike me as ingenious, they are presented as if you, yourself, have already thought them up. Fuckmeharder.com and oneblondefingeringanother.com are unlikely to surprise as options, but I was impressed by the novelty of pregnantandlactatingsluts.com and sodatbitchruinedyourlife.com. Domain names can be a mouthful.
Exxxtremegermanmovies.com doesn't offer Nazi porn, as might be expected, but rather blasé hetero couples performing vanilla sex while speaking German. It's a spin on tongue perversion. Some people just want you to talk German to them. Clitcritic.com is an orgasm-friendly site, with a soupçon of gynecological-exam perversion. Facials.com is for those who enjoy watching semen ejaculated on women's faces and for women who like to use jism for pore-reducing masks. Puckerup.com heralds the joys of anal penetration with objects attached to strings. And the homepage of spanking.com sports a businessman in shirt and tie with a naked woman across his lap, her butt high and her face near the floor. As his hand beats a regular tattoo, her rump turns bright pink.
While some perverts prefer other people's fantasies, an alternative group (among whom I number myself) enjoys inventing their own. For us, there are such sites as newbiepornsters.com, for beginners, mentalspycams.com, for erotica themed around surveillance and paranoia, and poetsandfilth.com, about which I can speak from personal experience. We assemble in chat rooms and arouse each other either during real-time conversations, on which others may eavesdrop, or in emails sent to individuals or posted to the group. The rooms tend to be genre specific. The members of "Futuristic Switch Hitters" write about people who have multiple sets of genitalia and are therefore not, strictly speaking, either male or female, though butch and femme role-playing is still big in this world. "Fabio's Secret" hosts bodice-ripping pornographers. "Prufrock Sent Me" attracts mongers of sleaze with a bent toward pantoons and villanelles. I gravitate toward "Fetishes R Us."
for you to see naked women," they entreat grade-schoolers who may not have boned up on the law. Even if they have, they're free to view pictures of naked men employing their orifices in imaginative ways. There is no evangelizing, unless, of course, you're into that. It is a come-as-you-are environment. Although many of the menu choices strike me as ingenious, they are presented as if you, yourself, have already thought them up. Fuckmeharder.com and oneblondefingeringanother.com are unlikely to surprise as options, but I was impressed by the novelty of pregnantandlactatingsluts.com and sodatbitchruinedyourlife.com. Domain names can be a mouthful.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
