PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Lying with My Father"

Hi Lisa, in fact i just finised reading tour article and it's really enjoyable. I like it and I would like to read more.
--ma
08/26

its the only thing you know after all these years. So my advice is if you havent done so already, is to see a pshy...talk about it, I have OCD, obessive compulsive disorder from trauma in my life, and now Im a trying to recover alcoholic and drug addict.. I have been clean for 1 yr but thank god I have no incest in my family..I would have killed the m---f----ker..thats all.. keep up the good work
--
08/16

WOW! You are one of the best writer's I've ever read! I'd love to read more from you!
--DLR
08/11

Having read the Diaries for a while now, one thing I've noticed is how sweet you are. You're tough and scary and wild, sure, but also tender and sorta wonderful, frankly. The fact that you've survived such psychological mayhem is astonishing. I don't care if you live out my sexual fantasies for me. I just want to know what happens next. And next. And next.
--mc
10/17

Brilliant, but sad, even pathetic.
--RLP
09/06

very touching and enlightening, without a single bit of self pity.......very good essay.
--BJV
05/14

i read this on a Sunday night (mothers day). so you became a writer.
--A.C.
05/12

Outstanding. It's difficult to get this stuff down on paper in any cohesive fashion. I too am a victim of genetics and environment - primarily an alcoholic mother - that pushed me into a world of violence, sex, drugs and eventually losing the love of my life.
--FA
05/05

wonderful. this is what true writing aspires to be: fearless, straight from the gut, graceful. i'd say that you don't need the DSM IV, the Bible, psycho-therapy or anything else that's been recommended here. all you need is to keep doing what you're doing: living, thinking, writing. any road that leads you to this sort of authenticity and clarity must be the right one for you. you've got the gift/curse. no sense in fighting it or trying to dissipate it with false comfort. onward. thanks for letting us watch you live this life.
--cpr
05/03

Dear Lisa I found your story really intriging and really it is totally normal to want to have sex with your parent(s). I'm sorry if I've insulted you with the "n" word. Anyway, I love your writing and found it so engaging. I probably wouldn't have read your story but I have just moved to NM from NYC so things are in a bit of an uproar (in my head). Notice how I want to talk about you but am, as usual, talking about MYSELF. I too am a redhead. Now, let's talk about you. One of the things that I find most interesting in the story is that you finally get a glimpse of a different kind of love that does cast light. It is like in "Les Miserables" the book not the musical when Jean ValJean (i probably spelled that wrong) has the vision of light after he steals the holy man's candlesticks and the holy man defends his innocence to the police, thereby setting him free. There are all kinds of prisons to get out of and I just want to encourage you to see past yours, when your vision/reality snap back to that reality of your father's, see your way out. You can still love him and do this. I'm sure he will always redouble efforts to make his reality dome fit down over yours. I have my own prisons to get out of too, like everyone. Anyway, thanks for a wonderful read. It takes cojones to address such a subject.
--KLS
05/02

WOW!! What a mind fucking your dad did to u. Love to hear what u are doing about it and what's up with u now. Have u found a better love or are u still looking.
--wcj
05/02

keep writing. more later, piper
--pfp
05/01

the old bad lisa's, daddy's lisa, dancing queen lisa's writing was life-changing, taught a lot of people - or at least me -a lot about feeling free, taking weird happiness from anything and everything. i love you for it. this is the first time you've suggested it wasn't all so perfect. change yourswld all you need to but please please keep writing these honest things down and don't listen to some sad nervos with sad advices. xxso ps what's your email address again?
--so
04/29

that is so sad.
--rlr
04/29

i have never read anything that has given me so many emotions at one time. for that i thank you, it makes me feel alive and real. it takes a lot of courage to write this, i'm proud. it makes me think that people can change. you went from being the victim, to having victims to realizing who you were and who you wanted to be. that alone makes you an hero and writting it makes you a great writer.
--cv
04/28

don't pay any mind to some of the comments people are leaving, ms. carver. i think they're missing the point. thank you for publicly sharing some of your fears and insecurities - we all got 'em. and thank you for your open honesty. you're a brave, brave woman. as you can tell, several of the readers found comfort in knowing they're not alone. and that's why we need more brave, vocal souls like yourself. thank you many times over. --lola
--
04/27

Lisa Carver needs to work harder on her essays and she needs a better editor.
--ew
04/26

WOW! I don't know what to say. Very Powerful! THANK YOU!
--DZM
04/26

fucking awesome. best thing i've ever read on this site. transparent. jerry stahl reads like a sham by comparison.
--KK
04/25

try therapy and medication. I'm pretty much a rebel,and even I felt sorry for you. You're just another manipulated idiot trying to put a pleasant spin on your abuse. Better than being a victim, I suppose; but they at least seek help.
--CL
04/25

Think should have used "made love" instead of "fucking". "Making love" carries more the sadness and pathos and hoped -for- dignity your article seems about. "Fucking" just seems raspy and bland and Nervey. The part about you as a mother with a growing son was by far the most interesting part. Strong and delicate and brave. Thanks.
--ch
04/24

Dear L: I knew I'd miss you fiercely when you stopped the 'Diaries' From "Lying..." I think I would have recognized you, but sweetheart I've been back to jerkin' off long enough. This sampler only whets my appetite for more. You can remember, here in New Hampshire, this would be called something unflattering. I can be as direct as you and want The Diaries back so I can return to the worlds best male lesbian!
--jwj
04/23

definitely the best lisa carver i've read on nerve. the kind of piece it takes half a lifetime to write. thank you.
--col
04/23

Lisa, I've been reading your stuff for a while now. I love your candor. Having said that however, this brings honesty in writing to a new level. I'm impressed, not so much with your style, but with how you formalized feelings and the undercurrent between your father and you. Bravo. P.S. "...I have never felt this way about someone's writing..."
--KFJ
04/23

Dear Lisa, I have been reading your stuff for a long time and while I have often been tempted to write to you, I have not. Until now. Here are some links for further reading: http://www.apa.org/journals/psp.html On this page, look for Reexaming Adaptation and the Set Point Model of Happiness: Reactions to Changes in Marital Status and The Legacy of Parents' Marital Discord: Consequences for Children's Marital Quality Murray Bowen had some good ideas about differentiation. See http://www.thebowencenter.org/index.html Also, check out "Healing the Generations" by Barry Grosskopf and "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein, et. al. The first book is about transgenerational emotional trauma and how to break the cycle and the second is a good primer on distressed families. I was married to a woman named Lisa who had a messed up relationship with her father. I was her third husband. I was completely devoted to her. I trusted, respected and desired her. We have two wonderful children. But she shredded our family and we divorced. She was into denial and couldn't admit to the things she had done, e.g., "I was having an affair to stay married." To the best of my knowledge, she has not tried to figure out why she acts the way she does. Now two great kids are slowly building the insecurity that she knew as a child of divorce. There are times that I ached to be able to tell you that you can make it. You can make it. Peace, Dan snowycedar at yahoo dot com
--dgr
04/23

Powerful stuff. Takes courage to rip out your guts and make art with them. Keep it coming. R - San Francisco littlemanintheboat@privacy.nu
--rw
04/23

I have a 8 month year old son, and never does that thought of hurting him in any sexually kind of way cross my mind. I didn't have the best childhood or the best life in general. I have had my child's dad abuse me, but that doesn't make me think those types of thoughts. It's people like you who actually carry it (molesting their children) through, that make the people of this world so FUCKED up and then we wonder why the world is in the state it is. How anyone could think this about a child, so innocent, so pure, it makes me wonder,why God would allow these same people to give birth. I think you have some serious issues and you need some serious help.
--SG
04/23

This essay so hit me I took it into my therapist. I felt like this was what was going on with me too. Thank you
--dg
04/23

This is the best thing I've ever read on Nerve.
--CS
04/22

Lisa is highly likeable.
--
04/22

sounds like you're a decent fuck and a better writer...
--tca
04/22

Recycling is good for the earth but sad and bad for your average Lisa Carver fan
--pn
04/21

I was very moved by this essay, and will need to re-read it in a few days, after I've digested a bit. I'm amazed by the candor, the brittle honesty, the splintered authenticity of it. I suppose we never really grow into adulthood where our parents are concerned, and my own ambiguous childhood has left me outside of realm of normalcy, struggling to do or decipher with my utmost efforts what other people seem to know instinctively. Brilliant essay, and thank you for sharing it.
--RV
04/21

Hmmm--look up "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM IV. After having read it, consider that most theories of sociopathy look at the disorder as an inability to form abiding attachments? motel_noir@yahoo.com
--
04/21

I didn't realize how fucked up you really were. Your father may not have touched you, but he totally mind-fucked you--and that is so wrong. Just as there is physical abuse and mental abuse, I guess there is also physical and mental molestation. But it takes guts to open yourself up to the whole world--you are a brave, albeit screwed-up, individual.
--kb
04/21

well, that was ok I guess
--EGM
04/21

The most craziest, freakishly good slice of life I've ever read!
--SLM
04/21

Oh, my God... this is so depressingly sad. She's a an amazing writer...
--ef
04/21

WOw what a powerful story. I loved it , it kept me glued to the screen and I felt the emotions of the characters even the most disturbing ones. But the ending was just a yearning for more. It felt a little incomplete. I wanted more of the ending. But this piece of writing was still so intresting.
--G.S
04/21

Lisa, thank you so much for writing "Lying with my Father." I am 22 and I have just in the past year or so been able to fall out of love with my father. I realized when I was about 15 or 16, that I was in love with him, and since then I have sort of felt like a freak because I never met any other girls with the same feelings. Thank you so much for sharing. And don't listen to those people telling you that you need to get religion to solve your issues. I am a devout Catholic, have been all my life, and nothing in any mass or sermon has helped me with this issue! Therapy has been equally useless. I don't know what DID help me fall out of love with him, I guess it was just that I got older and met other men, and got more and more self-esteem, and in doing so, was able to see the shortcomings of my dad. Being honest with myself about my own feelings probably helped me too, which is another reason why I applaud your bravery in writing and publishing the article. Thanks again!
--BF
04/21

What alchemy of soul Lisa has spilled out all over the page. What will you do next, Lisa? I find myself drawn to your story, I want to know what will happen next. I want to understand this situation more deeply. Excellent writing, coupled with a crazy divulgence of self. Moving work.
--lj
04/21

What percent of "Lying with My Father" is fiction? I am especially worried about your "son" since you have doubts about crossing the sexual line. Leave him alone and let him discover the world. Innocence lost...
--hfc
04/21

I think I will only begin to grow as an adult when I realize the strangle-hold I felt from my parents is in fact my inability to let go. Life is fucked up and it is so hard to find that island of sanity.
--AJH
04/21

Lisa Carver ... that was wonderful. I can empathize with you about wanting to have sex with your father ... only in this case it was my mom. I am male. She was 14 when she had me , and there was always a sexual tension between us. She was drop dead gorgeous. It haunted me for a very long time. I am 40 and only in the past 10 yrs have I been able to break the hold on my life that she had. You WILL get passed it.Oh ... I am still fucked up , but then again , aren't we all :) ? Thanks for your brutal honesty, it is beautiful. dirtwood862@yahoo
--twa
04/21

Lisa Carver, I miss you!
--KaT
04/21

Once you can't turn back, it gets easier.
--FJ
11/05

Damn. And again; Damn
--Pb
09/12

I was/am? a definite 'Leave It to Beaver', middle of the road, comfortably church-raised in a mostly happy family type of white conservative middle america naive love is all enviornment, now 50 yrs old. First marriage failed due to wife being sexually abused by her father from age 12 to 18. I thought I could be her saviour. I was fucking wrong. Time to grow up and accept that things aren't all Disney here on 3rd rock from the sun. Since that 13 year marriage failed in 1992 I have slid even further downhill. I don't believe in anything religious or anything based on belief in human values. I do believe in certain people and my love for them (my 2nd wife and the grandson we are raising). And I hope for, and am thankful for, their love for me. When I read an essay like "Lying with My Father" I am somewhat overwhelmed with the feeling that people can do so many things that I couldn't even think of....(life is so much more and less than what you or I know). I feel the only important things in 'life' are loving the one(s) you're with and supporting them and the young ones with love and respect and a safe place to live in and grow up. You can't do much to change the world and the world definitely don't give a lot of thought to you and yours, for the most part. (I wanted to write that the world don't give a fuck, but it is not 100% correct and it could offend some). I find Lisa Carver very interesting...she seems much more worldly and smarter than me. It makes it interesting to read her thoughts. I feel I have learned more about humanity. For what that is fucking worth. Love to all..... Jeff Johns JJJ1952@bellsouth.net 130 Canterbury St. Lawrenceburg, KY. 40342
--JJJ
08/21

dude, that was like...deep man. i can write eloquently about a fetish about mom's panties. will you all kiss my ass in the same manner?
--dc
08/08

Your stuff is great. I am attempting to create a project and would like to use your stuff. How is this possible? Dpaladin@Ix.netcom.com
--dn
06/04

What in the blue hell?????
--MM
04/16

Amamzing- you are a trulu gifted writer and really seem to know whay working through emotional crap is all about. I am glad for you ( and me) that good people do exist. And some folks would say yes he did molest you-molest is not confined to the physical and often times the constant talk of sex ( his and yours and everyone elses) is as if not more detrimental then physical contact. And that he didn't phyisically try anything may be because he had some sense though probably because he wanted you to make that move for him-talk about a mindfuck extradonaire. That kind of sick thinking sounds like it would fit your father and mine.
--DG
04/05

That was an incredible essay, I am still stunned by the power of your honesty while I am writing fifteen minutes later. To be able admit openly to your darkest thoughts I know is very painful. I know where your coming from, all you people reading this and writing condemnations, you are either hipocritical or you have truly never seen your own darkest side. It is there. You can find it if you are not careful. Getting away from it is like giving up drugs.
--usal
04/02

Hello Lisa, I've picked up your site looking at philosophical readings, and am impressed, in which you understand and write so unusually, to manners which are very embarrassing, and awkward. you father sounds great, and I think that your sense of realisation, is funny and brilliant. I haven't read all of your writings, but may continue later, to seek personal learning (my best friends are sensualists is great, and hope may be to hear from you further, to learn more). Thanks. From Ronnie.
--RL
02/24

hi. i think this is the best thing you've written. Yours, Beigekhakis
--ps
02/07

Oh... wow... That was very intense, very powerful. He seems like your big vulnerability, doesn't he? I have never had an obsession for my parents, but I know where you are coming from of sorts. Being a monster of sorts myself, enjoying, ah, keeping others off-balance to protect... myself? I understood your plights, and I applaud your attempts at wanting your father's respect, his love, at being your own woman, of discovery not of sex, but of love... You sounds like a cool person :) I greatly enjoy your articles, they are intelligent and thought-provoking. Get back at me? 73218177/Famcdgll@hotmail.com And I am a very sexual sensualist with short hair ;)
--FA-M
01/29

I just read "Lying with My Father" and I must say it was an introspective of which I have never read before. Afterwards I swear I whispered to myself "That was fucking intense." Sometimes when I read your stuff I just think it is just sex fluff, but then again I have read most of it on Nerve. It reminds me of how sometimes I act different depending on who I am around sort of like Zucko iin Grease. Bad comparison I know but I have never been one for words. You probably won't read this but I just wanted you to know that you struck a chord with that one.
--WCH
01/29

incredibly great writing. at times i am sorry for the writer because i think she must have difficulty living w/herself. really do think that a calmer lifestyle would help her get through day. she does seem a bit "desperate and depressed". if only i had know her a few yrs. ago. i enjoyed fucking everything female that breathed. from 18 to over 30 all i thought about (and did) was sex. my "thing" was 1 of every color religion size shape etc... no shit i got every continent too. and the 3 things her father taught... my "3 things" were different but they work because people want to hear what they believe or what they want to believe. but is lisa a man or a woman? very true to life sexy story. brava! (but you really don't need me to tell you brava do you?) so keep up the good work. US culture and law keeps us "apart" and forces us to think and live small mindedly but the reality out there is a whole other story. I never could have imagined that my life would have taken all of the strange turns that it has taken so far.. Oh yeah, i have 3 children practicing 3 different religions living in 3 different cultural environments from 3 different women. (yes i pay child support - so thick-headed readers just shut up!!!). AMEN
--JayD
01/04

I have never responded to anything like this before. But I was just so shocked with the QUALITY of the writing, the complex stream of thought and the hidden desperation in this 'diary' that I just HAD to say something. Way to go! This stuff is a real treasure! -Cheers,
--LYD
10/27

"I'm still an angel/to a girl who hates to sin." Lisa, I read somewhere you didn't approve of this essay at all. Is it because you can't escape from the room this essay puts you in? I think you're amazing, and don't have any hammy, mushy case to make that you should "escape the oversexed, abused lifestyle"(c), because that is just banal, simplistic and ignores all the amazing things you got out of it. But I think one of the most amazing fucking things about this article is how you got absolutely nothing out of writing it!---for years your raucous, hedonistic, transcendent lifestyle was all about summing things up and pushing them under your tongue---excitement and suppression, all to feel alive. But this essay...it is somewhere inside of Lisa that is very still, like space, with no air and only frozen points of light, that does not ever change or ever transcend. It is kind of scary in that room, Lisa. Bravo on an absorbing piece. I don't have to laugh every time I read you. love,
--adn
08/19

I feel like for the first time in my life...someone else understands what I feel like.
--PAM
06/25

The adjective is "loath" with no "e"; "loathe" is a verb.
--RMJ
06/16

Keep going in the direction you are headed. The one you came from holds nothing but misery as I am sure your father would admit, if he were honest. Congratulations Lisa.
--jih
04/21

Love no matter what, Love. Fear is the enemy of love so don't fear, pray when you feel fear and LOVE every chance you get. Love is the only thing that really matters, all the rest is EGO.
--CJV
02/11

lisa thank you painful clarity surgical precision deeply thought-provoking beautifully written
--bm
12/26

Outstanding essay. Well written and very provacative. It caught me and I felt a little of you in it. Do something really out of character and try intolerance (smile) or go to church. Think about it! Astonep@aol.com
--asp
12/25

H��, I am Icelandic, so my English is a little formal. At the age of 12 I was having sex regularly with 3 brothers in their '20ies, who where pals of my mother, clever, witty, handsome guys, among the most popular in my little hometown. Today I define it as an abuse but this story really took me back to the attitudes that I developed then and still, (at 34 and 5 years after deciding firmly to leave the oversexed way of living behind, even If nothing but boredom would be left) guard against. Loosing my sense of humor was the thing I was most afraid of then, and the feeling of nothing. There are no good instand solution, the old virtues of patience and persistance seems to be needed.
--BB
12/22

You need Jesus and years of therapy
--mwh
11/30

this article touched me in a way that i never thought one of lisa's articles could. it isn't her past relations with her father that i identified with, but the identity struggle with in herself. when i was younger i didnt know the boundries of "pretend friends". you know, the every day, see you in school, kind of friend. i opened my heart to anyone and everyone. i got completely screwed because of that. i learned that this world was filled with careless "worthless" assholes. i closed up. i build these concrete walls all around my soul, and gave off the most heartless, careless persona that i was capable of. i hurt many people in doing this, and even though i was well aware of this, i felt that protecting my own heart was more important then taking the chance on someone. i'm trying now. i'm trying very hard to break those walls downbecause i know what i did was wronge, and was hurting myself more than helping. who ever reads this, please keep in mind i amm opening my heart, and this was meant for lisa's eye to eventually see. whether or not that is possable, i don't know
--cmc
11/11

Lisa, where's your son?? I'd like to hear more about him. I can't imagine him NOT turning out to be an oversexed manipulative pervert.
--VV
11/04

I hate and renounce as a coward every being who consents to live without first having recreated himself. -Antonin Artaud.
--jl
10/20

I was in a similar situation. My father would stalk his prey and move in for the kill with the slightest grin on his face. The energy he would give off would arouse me to shaking. Thanx.
--LSL
08/27

"Lying with My Father". When I read the "title", I said, this is interesting. I asked myself, what would this be about? I opened the file, and began to read. Every sentence I read was just fantasticlly done. I was sucked into her story, impatiently waiting for the next sentence that would intrigue me. It was errotic, and unexpected. Even though i'm a guy and havent had those feelings towards my relatives, i know how it is....
--J.F.
08/02

Lisa baby, you need a religion. Do some reading about comparative religion until you find something that resonates with you. You need a spiritual underpinning and you don't have one. That is the first thing that you need to do. Second, you have spent your entire life trying to get approval from a guy who is borderline psychotic and a sociopath. People like this are often seductive and exciting, which is why he appealed to you so much as a teenager. Enough of this--stay away from him, only have sex with someone that you know really well and love, and try to find some vocation or volunteer activity that does some good in the world. Be a great mom to your son. The alternative is to spend your life inflicting suffering on others, as your father has done by misusing sexuality.
--ID
06/03

I just read "Lying With My Father" by Lisa Carver. I liked it. I really liked it. And I don't like anything. She's got guts, just for trying to let me know what she's about. Kudos.
--ET
04/28

I am deeply affected by Lisa's article on her father. I can't even clearly identify what the effect *is*, to tell you the truth. A list of emotional words would just be an insult. Which I'm thinking means maybe I got it. And if I did, it's to Lisa's credit. Thanks, Lisa, for sharing.
--GS
02/22

You mentioned in your "Lying with My Father" the 36 hours spent with your boyfriend and the sweet girl from Illinois . . . this has me wondering if you are moving towards sensualism after all? *smile*
--KL
02/09

Stunning. The first 2/3rds of "Lying with My Father" is especially well-written — this sounds like the first of the stories waiting to be told of the underside of the mid-20/early 30's crowd's experience. Sad that a father couldn't know what line you knew not to cross with your own child. I have seen it in my own family, where my younger brother shared those perverted intimacies with my father and his ex-hippie-drug-fuck-up-conspiracy-theory crowd in an attempt to "bond" and make up for lost time, which jaded my brother and swallowed his virtue. I kept my distance, only coming close enough to become a borderline alcoholic through the graces of his bacchanal fests. Sounds like both mine and your pops need to find a water cave and drown in their own misery, instead of bringing all around them down for the thrill.
--JD
02/05

Lisa Carver's "Lying with My Father" was excellent, really, truly excellent. I don't want to go into a bunch of hooey about why — but I forgot myself, which means it was transcendent, which means if it can make me forget that I haven't always been this woman telling the story, then it is a piece of WORK. At the end I felt alien to myself, as if I just woke up in my own body and personality. My congrats to her on being able to take over the body of the reader as a welcome and wanted guest, and not as a parasite trying to eat its way into the walls of the cavity. Ms. Carver, you are power and compassion. It's beautiful and close-knit, raw without the salty taste of crud, and sensual without any attempt at making it so, a perfectly natural voice.
--RR
02/02

I've read almost all the LC oeuvre, and it's wonderful to see her explore a new writing persona in "Lying with My Father," more honest and evolving than her established and highly successful Rollerderby babe. Brava.
--AS
02/01

I thought "Lying with My Father" was excellent . . . the last paragraph just really, it was just . . . really something. (Should say that the history of me and my father is entirely similar and entirely different to the one in the story.)
--LK
01/30

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