PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "STD Etiquette"

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12/08

This is the most self-centered article I've read in a LONG time. You need to do your homework before spreading misinformation about hep c. One simple internet search would have solved this. And you know what, most doctors, don't know too much about hepatitis (..even though most of them think they know everything). That's why there are GI docs and heptologists. I have hep and you know what? I have NEVER shot drugs, slept with gay men or even been a slut. I might have gotten it through a tatoo, a piercing or when I was raped. Your article made me so sad. WE are not lepers, you asshole. I opt to disclose the info as soon as it is comfortable, and always before sexual contact. Luckily, the few people I've had to tell have ALL been cool with it and it did not change their feelings about me. In terms of dating, it's more about quality than quantity these days. Don't be so closed minded. With proper precautions, you are not going to catch it.
--d
09/24

start with the truth... end with the truth... period. p.s. yes, i have herpes, self infcted probably, and yes i tell people and they all seem pretty familar witthe details.
--ECS
06/28

Hello Douglas, So I have herpes and I ALWAYS fit it in in the first or second e-mail. It is completely unacceptable to me not to tell someone right off the bat. See, I also have a husband but we both have other lovers. Of course I would feel the same way if I were single. Though, as you, I am horrified about the idea of giving someone herpes (though it isn't that bad, for us, at least), I am more horrified at not informing them. I respect any informed decision. I don't expect anyone to risk their sexual health to be with me, husband or not. At the same time, I expect to be respected. I have had a number of guys just disappear after I told them. I find this totally unacceptable and immature and rude in every way. Rejection I can respect and handle, being blown off, pisses me off. So what am I saying here? I am saying that I think it is totally ok not to want to risk it and you should tell the blonde that. If you still want to hang out, like I do with some of the people I've met on Nerve, then cool. If you don't, I guess I am disappointed (cause you seemed to like her before you found out) but it's only a small sin if you are honest. If she freaks when you tell her you don't want to take the risk, she wasn't worth it anyway. Oh, and I know you are a bit shy, but I recommend asking about STD's yourself, before you get to the undies stage. The right girls, will be impressed. Cheers,
--HO
06/28

I wanted to say that I am very impressed with your whole site. It is of very high quality and it caters to those of use who have more eclectic tastes and want more than just "porno." So I have to thank you for that. Specifically regarding this essay I have to say "well done!" There is more talk about how to bring up the subject of safe sex but there are very few guidelines on how to bring up your or their STD's. Being a woman, it was nice to have a man's perspective on this particular subject. I have herpes, and it is not an easy topic to bring up with potential lovers for many of the reasons that were mentioned in the essay. But I have always said that I must tell them in the very beginning and let the other person decide how they will react. I would rather know going in and that is why I tell them in the beginning. Yes, often they do not talk to me again, but that may be because of their own fears and prejudices about STD's, but at least I can still walk away and feel I did the right thing, or at least what I thought was the right thing for me.
--SBC
06/28

The most honest statement in Douglas Rushkoff's essay was: "She's so cool and I'm such a geek." He should have done his homework first, then spoken with the woman in question and ONLY THEN written his article. There is an over-abundance of information on the net regarding Hep C - some of it contradictory, much of it disturbing, but none of it suggesting that Douglas will die of liver disease if he practices safe sex with a partner who carries the virus. In fact, the most wanted to say that I am very impressed with your whole site. It is of very high quality and it caters to those of use who have more eclectic tastes and want more than just "porno." So I have to thank you for that. Specifically regarding this essay I have to say "well done!" There is more talk about how to bring up the subject of safe sex but there are very few guidelines on how to bring up your or their STD's. Being a woman, it was nice to have a man's perspective on this particular subject. I have herpes, and it is not an easy topic to bring up with potential lovers for many of the reasons that were mentioned in the essay. But I have always said that I must tell them in the very beginning and let the other person decide how they will react. I would rather know going in and that is why I tell them in the beginning. Yes, often they do not talk to me again, but that may be because of their own fears and prejudices about STD's, but at least I can still walk away and feel I did the right thing, or at least what I thought was the right thing for me.
--SBC
06/28

The most honest statement in Douglas Rushkoff's essay was: "She's so cool and I'm such a geek." He should have done his homework first, then spoken with the woman in question and ONLY THEN written his article. There is an over-abundance of information on the net regarding Hep C - some of it contradictory, much of it disturbing, but none of it suggesting that Douglas will die of liver disease if he practices safe sex with a partner who carries the virus. In fact, the most current data suggests (albeit only suggests) that Hep C is passed exclusively through blood - not semen, saliva, etc. My full-time lover was diagnosed with Hep C about five months ago, and assumes that he contracted it about fifteen or twenty years ago. We have been engaging in condomless sex for almost five years and counting, and I do not have the disease. We both came of age before AIDS and have never learned the etiquette nor the habits that all of my friends in their twenties have regarding safe sex. Honesty, however, is ageless. My lover also has herpes, which I do not, and informed me of that on our first date, before we ever had sex. Maybe I'm lucky, maybe I'm foolish, but self-interested confession is never an adequate substitute for honesty and knowledge.
--SK
06/28

Glad to read this. I too had a "close call" of sorts. Once I had a brief drunken affair with a guy who neglected to mention that he was infested with herpes. He never even told me himself; I found out from a friend who just happened to live in his hometown and had gotten it from him. What a nice fuckin' guy. Despite the fact that we had used condoms, I went into a tailspin. I admit freely that I didn't handle the information well. I went over to his place with a baseball bat and six cans of spray paint and sat on the hood of my car in his driveway for four hours - after defacing his new truck with cute epithets like "disease carrier." (I was more mad about the fact that he apparently hadn't felt the news important enough to tell me rather than the fact that he had something. What sexually active person hasn't made a mistake?) When he finally came to the door, he saw me sitting there and bolted out the back door. When I returned the next day, there was a "for rent" sign in the window. Last I heard, he returned to his hometown in West Virginia and is still "forgetting" to tell his prospective partners about his condition. Well, where I live there is no agency that can test for herpes unless there are lesions already present. I had to drive two hours to a clinic where I received an impersonal blood test from a somewhat snotty-assed employee who seemed to think that I had gotten what I deserved. Two weeks and $100 later, I was relieved to find out I was "clean." But if I were that particular guy, I'd make damn sure I never run into me. Or my friend who told me about his "little problem," either, as she has a few choice things in store for him as well. Hell, maybe I'd feel better if he just gave me my $100 and gas money back.
--ARM
06/28

I guess I have been living in another time zone, and at 61 with two marriages and two divorces I have been seeing several women over the last several years. I have always used ribbed condoms, some with a spermacide for extra care. I have yet to meet a woman who admits she has some form of a STD. I caught the "Clap" twice in my life, once in Germany as a young dumb army sergeant and again in 1971 in a beach city. Showering with exotic soaps and hot water is a good start; tasty gels for bodies is another erotic start to great sex. My current woman likes to dance before sex and tease me in her killer heels and a dental floss thong. She can lap dance and pole dance and compete with the young babes in strip clubs (at 38 she looks 30) and has a grrreat bod. Yikes, if a couple who are naked and engaged in foreplay cannot mention some hangup (called issues today) then when can one mention some hangup? I was very self conscious about my curved penis for years until I discovered how it manages to hit G spots in almost every woman I have been with (reminds me of the assault rifle with a curved barrel used by a few German troops in WWII to shoot around corners). I have learned much about oral sex-check out Kim Cattralls book and the New Joy of Sex!
--GJK
06/28

As I sit here, feeling like shit, coming from the "other end of the spectrum", I'm stuck. Stuck being me. Two ex's have warts, a third is getting results today, the finger points to me - I don't have them, never did, but probably am a card carrying member of the HPV club. Met the girl, the one, three amazing weeks - sex one time before I left, forgot about the real reason I waited - like the guy in the essay, I want my crazy days gone and to find my feelings before sex - but also, I'm tatooed with some recent history involving an STD, not to mention a bunch of lying and cheating...but I digress. So now, the one, is no longer the one, I've been unfaithful even though we aren't "there" yet, she might have been too, but I didn't tell her that my partners had HPV. I used a condom the one time - but like losing your virginity, its gone, that opportunity to be completely honest is gone.
--JLJ
06/28

Hi. I am one of those afflicted with herpes. Being clean or "dirty" has nothing to do with getting this disease. I was monogamous and married when I was so blessed. Anyway, I LOVED you column ~ it had me cracking up. Thanx.
--AG
06/20

Ive had hep c for 9 years now and have never heard anything like what your describing. 99percent of people with the virus conntracted it 1. iv drug abuse 2. heath care workers through accidental needle sticks & blood transfusions before a certain date. Its true in the begining the official word was "it *may* be possible to contract it sexually" but the most recent studies show that people who are in monogamus relationships with an infected partner ARE NOT GETTING IT. so as far as it being considered an s.t.d., its not. go check out last months "newsweek" with hep c on the cover. thanks alot for spreading misinformation and making my job harder when i do talk to people about this. (were you talking about hep B?)
--mv
05/21

DE! YES! well, maybe... are you cute? :)
--LG
05/19

Bravo. This was such an amazingly honest and well-written piece that I felt as if I were alongside the author grappling with the "right" and "wrong" way to respond to STD disclosure. The more people talk and write about STDs the better because they are everywhere (especially HPV). Every piece like this helps.
--SF
05/08

I have oral herpes and i dont care. Lg want me to come eat your pussy? :)
--DE
04/24

Damn, i think u should just tell her that u dont want Hep-C and that it is over. That would be the best thing you could do. IT's not worth getting that disease. ONe of my good friends who has taught me a lot in life has Hep-C 9( It is fatal. It takes a while to kill u but once it activates in your system you dont have much of a chance. Smoke Ganja
--DF
04/24

No one has brought this up: a person can have either Herpes 1 or 2 on either or both genitals and orally. I have genital Herpes, I have to tell my lovers before going down on me that they could get it orally. But what about all the people who have oral Herpes and never tell before they kiss or go down? What's up with that? I know many people who have oral Herpes but don't bother mentioning it before kissing someone, so why do I have to tell that I've got genital Herpes before someone kisses my genitals? I wish I could be as much in denial of my genital Herpes as they are with their oral Herpes. If you have ever had a cold sore you have oral Herpes and you should inform your partner before putting your mouth on any part of their body. Or just come over and eat my pussy ;) PS: does anyone know if HPV can be transmitted from genitals to oral?
--lg
04/06

Dear Doug, If full disclosure before intimacy causes a guy to overcompensate, and full disclosure after intimacy is ethically questionable, when IS the right time to come clean about your sexual health?
--LAS
03/21

This was an awesome essay. I think you're braver than you think. The subject of STD's is not something that can be taken lightly, or is just simple to talk about. Admitting your fear, and explaining your feelings on the subject is a lot more than most people can begin to think about (i.e. the latex liar). Keep up the good work!
--sns
03/18

hhhhhh
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03/16

start with the truth... end with the truth... period. p.s. yes, i have herpes, self infcted probably, and yes i tell people and they all seem pretty familar witthe details.
--ECS
03/15

start with the truth... end with the truth... period.
--ECS
03/15

My point of view on the STD subject? Having been infected with herpes in an exclusive relationship myself (which ended, by the way), I can't impress how difficult it is to be socially accepted. The "moment of disclosure" can be traumatic. I didn't ask to be this way. The social stigma attached to my "gift" is only something someone with an STD can understand. I am not dirty, have never been promiscuous, and at a young age have given up social interaction to avoid the rejection. I won't date "normal" people for fear of passing my STD on. It is, afterall, forever. It's nearly impossible to find infectious dates like myself. Who's going to advertise THAT? I think myself lucky that I KNOW I have herpes. Many people are unaware of an exposure they may have had, or simply do not realize the symptoms they have are herpes. So...to those of you who chose to ridicule and belittle those of us who harbor the gift.....be careful! It could be you!
--ELC
03/13

I wonder if people would be just as open and honest about diseases they've been exposed to and could potentially have as they are about those diseases they know they have? More specifically, is the author going to tell anybody that he had sex with someone who had herpes...he just doesn't know if he has it or not? Boy, oh boy, pregnancy sure is the least of our worries, ladies!
--TM
03/13

20% to 25% of the urban population has type II Herpes. 80% of those don't know it. You can be contagious without symptoms. Those who are infected may never have symptoms, but may still be able to transmit. It can be transmitted even when using a condom (they don't cover your whole body!), although the risk of transmission is reduced, to an unknown but non-zero level. Most people are generally very uninformed about the virus, an infected person informing their partner should expect a difficult time until the other person is 'brought up to speed'. Unfortunately the greatest burden is for those that are infected, and who know they are infected, to be proactive about informing their partners - from the very beginning. It's clearly not a easy thing to do, to risk killing a relationship that hasn't had the chance to get of the ground - and to be so presumptive as to assume that it would. This is particularly difficult in casual encounters. I would be interested to hear the number of Nerve readers who think that it is acceptable for an infected person to not inform their partner, during causal sex, provided protection is used (Hint - Nerve reader poll). It's very easy to say that you should, but I think that the proportion of people who do so is probably relatively low.
--SMK
03/12

the thing is, when you meet your 'true love' nothing she or he has or may have will really matter - it is part of who she/he is...and by the way, herpes is really no big deal - some are unfortunate enough to have to deal with the inconvenience and discomfort more than others, but mostly it's just that - an inconvenience...hep C and HIV is much more problematic because it is life-threatening...
--AHH
03/12

Excelent writing, you got my feelings down. I am clear of any problems, however, re-entering the dating scene, freaks me out. At times, it makes my ex look better. Body latex is that the way are times are moving?...and a dental dam, what next. Good luck in your quest in finding that special someone, and good luck in staying safe. I look forward to more of your thoughts and ideas.... KC/Toronto
--kc
03/12

Excelent writing, you got my feeling down. I am clear of any problems, however, re-entering the dating scene, freaks me out. At times, it makes my ex look better. Body latex is that the way are times are moving?...and a dental dam, what next. Good luck in your quest in finding that special someone, and good luck in staying safe. I look forward to more of your thoughts and ideas.... KC/Toronto
--kc
03/12

Being a "carrier" of Herpes I can appreciate this essay. American society is larely unaware of the issues surrounding the diseases mentioned in this article and it is time for us to learn more. Do you know that one in five people have herpes? That means if you have 4 close friends who hang out together it is very likely that ONE of you has it!!! And in a group of 100--20 have it! As a carrier I face discrimination and ignorance and the risk of being exposed and belittled to my peers. I hate hiding in the shadows hoping no one finds me out. I hate having to be part of a secret society--having to search out others like me. I hate not being able to include my non-h friends in my group of H'ers and vice versa. PLUS--Because of the stigma of herpes (and other STD's) many people find it difficult to have "The Talk" with others. I am just glad this article is out there--shedding more light on the world of these uncurable yet non fatal conditions. I know others like me would be glad to see more essays like and about this subject. Thanks
--MKV
03/12

delicious piece about partner communication! i'm a writer for a sexual health organization and it's great to see such a well-written, adult approach to taking responsibility for one's health. however, while hep C is transmitted more easily than HIV through IV drug use, it is not commonly passed through sex. and using latex condoms reduces the risk of transmission even further. in fact, since hep C is so rarely passed sexually, the centers for disease control and prevention don't make recommendations for partners who are in long term relationships to change their sexual practices (i.e., begin using condoms if they haven't in the past); the risk is just pretty darn low.
--KP
03/12

This article, although lacking when it comes to the bare bones facts, is nonetheless very compassionate and allows us a glimpse into mind of a noncarrier when confronted with the revelations of a carrier. This kind of information is very important for us carriers to understand; as well as giving us insight into how to approach our next sexual situation. As an HSV 1/2+ person, I've, thankfully, only had to have this talk once since finding out, but I remember the fear, pain and guilt associated with it well. The scary thing is that more than half of the people listed on Nerve's personals sight will have been exposed to any myriad of sexually transmitted diseases and at least half of those people have something, yet, when doing a keyword search, one is loathe to find ANYONE who admits in their profile these key facts. It's time that Americans get over their hangups about being open and honest about this very real risk and start protecting each other. I can't trace who gave this to me and no one I was ever with _looked_ infected, and believe you me, I checked. After that check and a verbal confirmation, I was never inclined to use precautions and so am dealing with the consequences today. Please be careful and let's all take care of each other.
--AC
03/12

The article doesn't really give very good information about STDs. I constantly find inaccurate advice about STDs and it's worrysome because it could really mislead someone into doing something that'll get them infected. First, HPV: There are over 20 strains of this virus, only a few (2 or 3, I believe) that cause cervical cancer in women. Of the HPV types which cause warts, none cause cervical cancer. Note that HPV is the _only_ cause of cervical cancer currently known. Large portions of the population have HPV. Most of the time HPV is completely benign and doesn't pose a threat to indivduals. Note that a strain of HPV causes plantar warts, but these warts are not the same as genital warts. Secondly, HSV-1 and HSV-2: This is one majorly misunderstood disease. A few basics: Type 1 is primarily oral - good ol' cold sores. Outbreaks don't happen often (1-2 times per year) but tend to be severe when they do. Type 2 is primarily genital, and outbreaks happen often (5-6 times/year) but are less severe. Over time, outbreaks happen less and less often. While you have lesions, you are infectious. Also you _CAN_ be infectious even without lesions! Some medical studies indicate that people who get herpes lesions are infectious 5% of the time they don't have lesions. By the time people are in their 40s and 50s, 80-95% of the population has HSV-1 antibodies. In the age group 20-30 (or so), 20% of men have HSV-2 and 25% of women have HSV-2 (this is due to increased effectiveness of male to female transfer). But even more insidious is that HSV-2 can be completely and totally asymptomatic. That's right, you may have never had lesions, and never will have them, but still have HSV-2 AND still be infectious. Also, oftentimes HSV-2 symptoms are so mild that they are easily mistaken for other things: yeast infection, jock itch, razor burn, ingrown hairs, etc. The only way to be certain is getting a HSV-2 antibody test. If your partner says "I was clean on my last test" they could still have HSV-2 because it is NOT typically screened for. My doctor says that in this area (Seattle) its likely that 50% of people have HSV-2. So that means at least 30% of people have it and don't know it. Remember that once you're infected, you will be infected for the rest of your life. I somehow don't think a cure will ever be found due to the way that the herpes virus infects people. So be very careful out there. I'm not a medical doctor, I'm not a research biologist. I just read a lot, all this information I culled from dozens of sources online. I highly suggest you learn as much as you can, and not rely on my condensation of the subject.
--RR
03/09

hi. I liked your article, but you're mixing up your Hepatitis ABC's. Hepatitis C is transmissable only through blood to blood contact. It is moreover asymptomatic in 80 percent of people, and only gets 'fatal' in 20 percent or less. Even if you married the girl with hep C and had unprotected sex, you would only have a risk of getting it in the range of 20 percent. Hepatitis B is your worry: that is sexually transmitted. Hepatitis A is transmitted via oral/anal contact, and therefore a risk mostly in gay men who engage in analingus. You can get vaccinated for A and B, but not C. Again, really liked your article, but Hepatitis C is NOT AIDS. I work in an AIDS clinic, and therefore am familiar with the Hepatitis ABCs. Suggest you get onto an STD website, and make clear just how much fear you need to have. KJ
--kj
03/09

Just an FYI about latex allergies - next time someone tells you he or she is allergic to latex, don't use lambskin condoms (which offer no real protection against STDs). Use polyurethane (Avanti Duron is one brand) instead. And spend a little time reading up on STDs - a little self-education can go a long way in allaying your fears.
--not
03/09

dude, my friend has hep c and what your doc friend said is totally inaccurate. a simple search will yield info that hep c is transfered through BLOOD to BLOOD contact normally. it is much more difficult to get than aids, but thanks for stating the opposite.
--BJ
03/08

Thanks for the etiquette on STD's article. As someone who has suffered from herpes for thirty years, I can tell you that the greater pain is an emotional one. Fortunately, I discovered acyclovir in the mid-90's and a daily dose of that has suppressed symptoms and, I think, reduced the chance for passing it on. At the age of 55 I am re-entering the dating game after a recent separation from my wife. On the few occasions when the opportunity for sex has arisen, I've been honest with my partners (well almost right from the start). It's a really tough decision and laden with guilt. The reality of course is that it's just a skin disease and, in most cases, controllable with drugs. But my partners have been, thankfully, understanding and we've gone on to enjoy ourselves. For those of you who encounter a victim, be kind and understanding. thanks
--jj
03/07

I find that there is not enough education available about deseases like Hepatitis, Herpes, warts... You read everywhere that 60% of the population is infected with herpes. However, it's hard to believe that they all use condoms all the time, stay away from sex, etc. Then you read any magazine like Cosmopolitan and it's all about "How to make him moan" and "How to go oral on him." We need more of "how to tell him about herpes" and "how to use dental dam."
--kj
03/07

A few things to say as a woman living with HPV - genital warts. I urge two points of note - 1. I was a very informed, educated and smart girl who at 20 years old, decided that it wouldn't happen to me when the man I was about to sleep with told me he had genital warts. Even though I worked on an AIDS hotline, and knew DAMN WELL how to avoid this disease, for some reason I didn't care enough about myself and chose not to. Five years, two major surgeries, and a serious relationship dealbreaker later, i urge everyone to be 100% honest about their afflictions, before the clothes are off, and everyone being faced with this admission to not treat the person with contempt or scorn, but take the information available and make an informed decision. Its all about weighing the risks and possible benefits.
--elk
03/07

very interesting reading & food for thought...thanx for relaying this info...a woman iv'e been seeing lately leaves her "vagial cream" on the toilet tank all the time...and being a muff diver, i find it frightening to contemplate the implications...needless to say...i don't go there anymore and stopped seeing her until she comes "clean" about her status...which she won't...being a know everything kind of "modern women"...i've often wondered why the frequency of sex with her is the every two months variety...maybe it is her recovery time...thanx again
--op
03/06

Great article Douglas. You bring up a lot of good points, and i got a similiar attitude as you. I've been there as my ex-wife had herpes. never got it and i'm thankful for it(and to her concerns). It's not easy esp. when debating your health vs. your love. thanks again.
--ma
03/06

Here in England, 80% of sexually active people have been exposed to HPV. Good luck avoiding it..and you can take all the precautions you want, you'll still be exposed to one strain or another. Not all warts come back. Not all people exposed get it, most strains are benign. It's the price you pay for having more than one sex partner. Oh well. That said, it's super-key that you're honest about it. Warts specially, because they are a bother. Frankly, I've always been honest and have never had a woman turn me down. Try it.
--DHK
03/06

WOW, I wondered how a lot of people handle this, After my free wheeling days I found out I had contacted both herpes and G. warts. I just stopped having sex! stopped having a life, avoided all contact with the women. I got lucky when a freind introduced me to my soon to be wife that she was a nurse and understood the precations that we had to take to ensure that I didn't pass it on to her. I'm a lucky man.
--RTE
03/06

Run dude run! An STD would be a deal breaker for me. There's alot of women who haven't screwed up their lives and you should be dating them. Don't feel guilty, it's just being smart. The old please accept me for who I am bit is fine for weight problems, bad marraiges, or even an extra eye in the middle of her forehead, but not when it threatens YOUR health. She needs to go to a convent or meet men who have an STD like her. You can do better!
--ttc
03/06

This was not that great of an article. It was annoying, unoriginal and rambled. I learned nothing. And after reading the comments I say to myself, Americans are still so damned naive.
--KR
06/15

hmmmmm.... I was with a woman who had Hep C. Intimately, and for an extended period. We are no longer together. I do not have Hep C. Your doctor is full of shit re: ease of transmission and sexuality. My ex-lover's problems (including Hep C) are still with her. The problems you have are still with you.
--MR
10/29

Very good article,wish everyone could read it before interacting in such seroius things such as sex,i use to be very open and free with it and i also contracted HPV,but with much understanding and respect for the virus,i have learned that people cant go around being too free with sex,its much better if you have love first...if i ever have another sexualy partner,he will know before hand,i couldnt even consider lying about it or telling him afterwards
--klp
09/14

It's funny . . . I am a disease-o-phobe, too, and looking at the title, STD's, I didn't know if the article was going to be a rant, informaitonal, or sympathetic. I have compassion for sufferers of any malady, but if you like a person, it helps to come clean, to see if you share the same values, drug use, loose sexual conduct, etc . . . thank you for voicing something my Christian values have spoken to me about for so long . . .
--CM
04/17

Hep C is primarily passed through blood, only rarely through sexual contact. You must be thinking of Hep B which can pass through saliva, semen, vaginal fluids and blood. Or your friend who gave you the lowdown on Hep C had it backwards. Your risk of getting Hep C from oral sex with a woman is virtually zero - just avoid her blood. Use condoms out of general principle. Have fun.
--ES
02/16

Thanks to Douglas Rushkoff for that article. It hit really home for me. I am currently going to start a relationship with a young lady who, like the person in the article, has an STD (the herpes virus). I was really scared to bring myself to stay in the relationship. But, after your article, I am more brave than I thought. Yes, I will practice safe sex and I will educate myself more on the topic. My partner told me that she has an STD right after we felt that we were getting serious about each other. Even though we haven't had sex, I feel she is the perfect match for me. We have everything in common. I was hating myself for thinking that I have to run away from her 'cause of this virus. I know that she is a person that needs the same things I need and feels the same things I feel. That is why I am going to give it a chance. We have to just be extra careful about sex and practice really safe sex (dental dams and condoms).
--ED
06/18

The most honest statement in Douglas Rushkoff's essay was: "She's so cool and I'm such a geek." He should have done his homework first, then spoken with the woman in question and ONLY THEN written his article. There is an over-abundance of information on the net regarding Hep C - some of it contradictory, much of it disturbing, but none of it suggesting that Douglas will die of liver disease if he practices safe sex with a partner who carries the virus. In fact, the most current data suggests (albeit only suggests) that Hep C is passed exclusively through blood - not semen, saliva, etc. My full-time lover was diagnosed with Hep C about five months ago, and assumes that he contracted it about fifteen or twenty years ago. We have been engaging in condomless sex for almost five years and counting, and I do not have the disease. We both came of age before AIDS and have never learned the etiquette nor the habits that all of my friends in their twenties have regarding safe sex. Honesty, however, is ageless. My lover also has herpes, which I do not, and informed me of that on our first date, before we ever had sex. Maybe I'm lucky, maybe I'm foolish, but self-interested confession is never an adequate substitute for honesty and knowledge.
--SK
04/24

Gees, I am so glad to see a story on the web about STDs. I feel like a huge outcast and that I'll never have sex again due to my affliction. If only I could go back and change what happened, but I can't and perhaps this has made me a stronger person in some way. But I just can't shake the feeling that I am "contaminated," as the author says . . . maybe someday I'll come to grips with this. Thanks for the story; it is nice to hear I'm not alone in dealing with this!
--MB
04/19

I'm a 50-year-old, twice-divorced woman who had a lot of sex in the '60s and '70s and dodged the STD bullet through dumb luck. Recently, I began to wonder, "Is the dating/sex/break-up cycle all I want from men?" For months, the annoying, potentially illusion-shattering question wouldn't go away, and at last I had to face the truth: even though I enjoy sex, men, and sex with men, the answer was "No, I want to hold out for love." Sex is not to die for. It was a revelation to read an article written by a man who reached the same conclusion as I had, and based on common sense. Etiquette is a set of rituals whereby common sense and respect are joined to prevent social embarrassment. But what could be more embarrassing than to realize you were going to die simply because you curtsied or bowed at the proper moment, even though you knew the ritual was no longer relevant? I hereby submit an apology to the male sex for my cynical assumption that where the opposite sex is concerned, all men have their brains caught in their zippers. And I apologize for all the years that I, too, let my crotch do the thinking.
--GB
04/14

Did you show it to her? I ask out of sheer sincerity. It's a tough subject - something I think we should become as comfortable talking about STDs as about what you had for breakfast. These are surmountable fears, they are. I am trying to get beyond them myself.
--PF
04/03

Great writing/reading. That's mainly all. Found out about you guys from Vogue of all places. Do you really want advice or is this just fiction? I'll never know. I think "brilliant and beautiful" sounds really flippant, and you sound like a really decent guy. There's got to be some nice disease-free Jewish girl out there for you.
--AL
04/03

In the '70s I knew a girl who had herpes, she said. She married another fellow and I didn't have to deal with the problem. Of course, people can always lie to get rid of undesirable admirers, so how do I know if the woman had herpes except from her story and the attendant girlfriend witnesses. I haven't been out with anyone in years and years and years, going back to before AIDS. Fear of sex was more like hatred of men, or hatred of me, an unemployed ex-college student living with his parents, calling himself a writer and a poet. There was certainly enough competition for the girls back then. But now I see disease has gotten into the big game, and it certainly scares me.
--EB
04/02

The STD piece was wonderful and right on the mark. Slightly Cosmo-ish, but nothing too unforgivable. Please tell the author: "Very, very well done."
--EEJ
04/02

I found Douglas Rushkoff's article very interesting. Talking about STDs isn't something we do easily, but it's a skill we definitely need in this era. The information about Hepatitis C in the article could be a bit misleading. Hep C is primarily transmitted by blood exposure, such as transfusion or IV needles shared by drug users. Sexual transmission is thought to be possible but not common. In studies of long-term couples, one of whom had known Hep C, only 1.5% of partners was infected. The Centers for Disease Control's web page has complete information: www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/hepatitis/index.htm. Thanks for providing a great format for the open exchange of ideas about sex!
--KG
01/02

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