PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Trials of a Gay-Seeming Straight Male"

Your article really caught my attention. For my self I think it's akward when people dont immediately realize I am gay. Its difficult with me though, because I really am "In the middle" as far as sexual mannerisms go, but who's really in the middle. Sometimes you might meet me after one too many at a bar, and I'm a queen. The next day I walk into an apartment to look around with my best female freind, and people assume she's my wife or girlfriend. So I can relate, in that way. I wish it didnt matter, but today at this time it does to everyone else but me.
--cb
02/04

ROTFLMAO!!!! Like you, I'm a straight male who must seem gay. I remember distinctly after finishing a show (I'm a musician) a lover laughing hysterically as yet another gay man tried to pick me up (third in a week). She breezed by with a "congratulations, you have another one." Funny thing is that it has never upset me, I'm very aware of my heterosexuality and don't find it threatening, like a lot of other men.
--ac
11/08

We've certainly all known your type. I'm the opposite- the plague of looking/seeming straight and being gay. Always mistaken for straight which leads to lots of misunderstandings. I hate having to set the record straight, so to speak. I've had women get mad at me, and I'm simply irritated at the gay men who leer, obviously wondering if they have a chance.
--mc
05/09

There actually IS another definition that is similar to what you describe... It's called "Pomosexual" (Post Modern). Do a search for "Pomosexuals", a great collection of essays by "gay" and "lesbian" authors having conflicts with their own sexual labels.
--SB
01/14

Ah, thank you! I've been waging this personal battle all my life, and I too am sick of it. The thing that makes my story a bit more puzzling is that while I've never had a homosexual encounter - apart from some extremely young moments (like, 8 years old) with a close friend - I do genuinely believe that I've been in love with some male friends. But, in terms of what gets me off - it's women, without a doubt. I do fantasize about having a homosexual experience someday, and I'm sure I will. But it isn't my primary drive in life. I think you summed up well in stating that society needs to become more comfortable with the nuances of sexuality. Personally, I don't believe in homosexuals anymore than I believe in heterosexuals. I know this is an extremely unpopular view - from both sides - but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I have had "confused" friends like myself who have been pushed into the homosexual camp (partially because of a steadfast bioglogical determinist view, and partially because of some sort need for sexual affirmation) only to find that they're really just attracted to a particular person, have fallen in love with a particular person, wants to fuck a particular person. As I see it, you've got no choice in who you fall in love with, you fuck who you want to fuck. Why create any definitions beyond that? These definitions are the only thing that makes this topic any sort of "conflict" in life.
--SB
01/14

how about metrosexual.
--jcp
11/25

I loved the article on the trials of the gay-seeming straight men of the world. Let's unite!
--CL
11/23

This article was quite hilarious, despite the fact that it really should not be necessary to explain, defend, or even be concerned with what sexuality others perceive us to be. A supposed lack of masculinity, an affinity for neatness and coordinating colors, all that stuff, DOES NOT IMPLY HOMOSEXUALITY in a man any more than athletic ability and a lack of fussiness over personal beauty implies HOMOSEXUALITY in a woman. Traits commonly considered masculine or feminine have the potential to appear in either gender and are not related at all to sexuality. Much of the effeminate, butchy, and even androgynous qualities of gays, straights, and bisexuals, is exaggerated anyway, in my opinion. If it weren't for gender icons we are all supposed to live up to, or genderization, so to speak, of any part of the human potential, such as interior decorating or lifting heavy objects, nobody would even be concerned with things like "straight-acting." Let's all just be confident in ourselves, whoever we are.
--rlc
11/22

What a faboo story -- There are so many androgynous humans not unlike him. I always wondered what went on inside their heads -- I feel like I have the inside scoop -- This story has brought a smile to my face and the truth to my eyes about that great boy I was so digging -- Have a Happy Day Widow Centauri
--WC
11/16

It was a great, funny article, although it did cause me to write the long rave further on. Sorry for that, this was supposed to be about the essay.
--pdg
11/11

This is an awesome article. He speaks about what alot of GSSMs go through. Being one of them, I can say that it is hard to defend yourself constantly. You can see just how much people want you to say,"alright already, I am gay!" They seem so skeptical when they hear that you are not. I truly don't care what people are in these days. People can accuse me all day long and I won't care. I know what I'm about and I leave other people alone about what they are about. In all simplicity, we are the same, it's just that some of us are crazier than the other. Kudos to the author. By the way, how can I get an essay or article published on Nerve?
--AL
11/09

so what are you saying either you like females or you like males I bet you if you get me for on night you won't want a man ever again I do anal,vaginal and oral sex holla!
--rb
11/06

Thanks, Leif, for a, ahem, "straight" from the chest kind of article. Very honest and unadulterated but not cloying or clinging or uncomfortably personal. I think someone has to keep standing up for the right of individuals to be as they are without conforming to the needs of others to fit them (forcibly if necessary) into the pidgeonhole of their predjudices. I try to hang on to my egalitarian and liberal principals in spite of how unpopular it is, and in spite of the fact that I was one of those who was sexually assaulted by an authority figure of mine in school who later claimed to be "gay." Personally I think that anyone who would force a student of his (or hers) is a sex predator. One thing we argued about at length before the drugs in the drink took hold was the issue of latent sexual identity and the matter of choice. (I think that the only "choice" he helped me with here was losing the choice to resist his strength or to reject his command over me.) But irregardless, I think it is a crucial subject for persons ( like me) who are not traditional males; who are interested in such things as colors, paintings, music and writing. Against a background of blue-collar upbringing, it was a long identity crisis for me. But there was really no confusion as exasperating as dealing with other's misperceptions after the insanity of my art teacher having decided to "make up my mind for me." The hilarity of people's confusion henceforth only brought up references of pain and dim reverberations of the memories I long supressed. Hey, but thirty years later, they actually talk and write about such matters openly. I feel better each time I can do so myself. Thanks for the article and my indulgence in telling my story.
--pdg
11/05

I get this all the time. And while I have had a fantasy or two... I could never fathom myself lusting after a creature of my gender, nor would I want an intimate realtionship with one. That's what friendships are for, that comraderie, that brotherhood. But anyhow I'm getting ahead of myself. It's amusing how people see someone dressed a certain way, or body postures, and automatically sterotype. Well, it's amusing until it turns into actual harrassment. I think we GSSM's have a distinct advantageover out alph-male counterparts. We come off as sensitive, cultured, more worldly. That or we come off as immature little boys in men's bodies. I feel sorry for the latter...or, on second thought. No I don't. THat means there are more women for me...
--jsi
11/04

What a fabulous article! I, too, have struggled with my sexual identity. While not physically gay-seeming, I definitely have a wide range of OGTs ("Obviously Gay Traits") that confuse me and others -- from worship of Judy, Barbra, and Madonna to a taste for "Sex & the City" to a love of womens' fashion and The Style Channel to use of the word "Fabulous". But my attractions have always been to women, and it's always confused me. Now, I know! I am a jism. . .oh, wait. . .
--DSM
10/26

this must be an american thing. in other countries (such as denmark) the constrictions of the straight male are much wider, so a clean, interior decorating, cooking guy is rarely stereotyped as. those things are not necessarily linked to sexuality,they are just things you like to do. Why do we have the need to reproduce our sexual identities through so many "extra-curricular activities"? it is rarely what we do in bed that defines us in the eyes of others as who we are sexually.
--eva
10/26

I recently went on a date with a "gay seeming straight male. Would you like me to tell you what that date entailed? He decided we should begin by going shopping. Yes, shopping. And not just any kind of shopping, up scale, class very "in" stores. He was giving ME fashion advice the entire time. Then we went to an indian restaurant, where he began talking to me about different types of cheeses- such as the differences between gorgonzola and brioch. Later on that night, durring a very intimate conversation with me in the movie theater, he confessed his unrequited love of feather boas. Therefore, I'd like to let you know, that when a man seems gay and acts gay, he probably is gay. My one time date did not get a second outing with me. I think that tonight he's performing in a drag show.
--AFH
10/25

After befriending a couple of Gay-Seeming Straight Males and witnessing (and participating in) multiple conversations concerning their sexuality, it became clear that a new term was needed for this creature. For all of you who are tired of the unwieldy phrase "Gay-Seeming Straight Male", we offer you "Hemo" as a concise substitute - i.e. "I was asked out by a hot guy last night but he's a little too much of a hemo for me." Beware: it's contagious. Credit goes to my non-hemo friend Seth Larson for coining the term and lightening the verbal load of many.
--ML
10/21

That was terrific! I could identify with every aspect except the pageboy haircut. Really though, overall, I kind of enjoy peoples' misconceptions. I pretty sure that I'm only interested in straight sex, and my girlfriend seems to be happy with me, so if the rest of the world thinks I'm gay, it just means that I get the pleasure of having a lot of female friends, and that I frequently get bumpted up to business class from coach by the gay airline pilots (well okay, that has only happened once, but it was cool). Anyway... thanks for the article.
--mhe
10/13

As a straight-seeming bi guy, I can relate in that it's amazing how the vast majority of people, straight or gay, seem to have the most limited views of sexuality. Hopefully things will be different for future generations.
--AS
10/11

Great article--Loved it. Now, how about a look at us Straight-seeming, Gay-guys. We don't speak with a "voice", we don't feel any desire to be feminine in any way. We actually love sports, outdoors, and 'manly things. And. we are very unconfortable in truly gay settings. I and my partner of 8 1/2 years lived that kind of life and loved it and each other. We are now seperated, but neither of us feels really gay, we are just 2 guys that fell in love.
--CB
10/07

Very good article! I went on a date with Leif (really, I did) He is a very good kisser and most definitely straight:)
--AC
10/06

what an articulate mass gathers here to speak! I'm a woman who hasn't had a date in fremminzyfuff years and I now there a couple of unspokens and one VERY outspoken friend who are convinced I am gay but just don't konw it once. it would really piss me off if I found out (at the age of 44) that I was gay! jeezuzzz, what a wasted life I'd have had!! I'm curious. I'm open to the possibilities of exploring same sex fun. but gay? I hope (oh lord I hope) I know myself well enough to know if that were a true preference. great article.
--ABC
10/04

Well man I compplitlly understand U because I�ve been thw the same thing here in Cuban.Alot of people,even gay friends I have now used to think I was gay,just because I�m not the kind of straight man is already stereotiped in society!! U see U are not alone!! yours Sicopicture
--D
09/24

Loved your essay. It's great. I agree that everyone should be free to express/be themselves and their "sexuality" however they want. (As long as it's non-violent, and it's usually the the straight seeming straight men who get into violence, that's not about sex anyway, it's about overpowering someone.) Keep up the good work!
--ng
09/23

I do work with a GSSM.He's even a interior decorator. I like to refer to him as a "flaming heterosexual". His girl is unbelievable and she's mistaken as a "beard". great article.
--ds
09/21

3 girlfriends and other girls at the bars questioned my preferance. I always giggle and say "I'm sure". I take it as they are just checking to see if it's not too good to be true. I am jism
--cjb
09/20

Me again. Reading some of the others' feedback, I was reminded of the woman who once told me "If you were a girl, I'd do you."
--JS
09/13

I completely relate to this essay. I once experimented with gay sex, but it wasn't my thing. I even went the genderbending route for a while, but it was just part of my self-exploration, figuring out all the different parts of me. I'm sensitive to other people's feelings, women's in particular. I like to look at women, but I don't get off by ogling scantily-clad girls in strip clubs (This is not to say that it's not entertaining, occasionally!). I'm not foppish, but I do take a certain interest in my appearance. Needless to say, a neverending succession of my female friends and coworkers have asked me if I'm gay.
--JS
09/13

how, HOW could i resist! your article was brilliant! and being a woman with a gay-seeing straight male boyfriend, i couldn't help but relate because i am the lesbian-seeming straight female. he and i, we balance each other well. i don't buy the dick and jane idea of sexuality for a SINGLE moment.
--jd
08/29

"You're the gayest straight man I know." my uber-butch lesbian pal, to me, 8/00 or thereabouts. Word is bond, GSSM in the house represent. Etc.
--hx
08/25

Leif: Great article. You actually know how to write, and with a funny spin as well. Good for you! I'm one of those straight-appearing gay guys. Years ago, too many to recount here, I was up in Alaska with a gay-seeming straight buddy of mine. Both of us got jobs cooking on fishing boats. Salmon boats. Different boats. The captains of our boats were pals so our two boats would hook up periodically from time to time and we'd do nifty things in tandem like visit ghost towns and hot springs that weren't on any maps. Great stuff. Anyway, my gay-seeming straight buddy complained to me on one of these get togethers after about two months at sea that his crew had decided he was gay and were tormenting him mercilessly. He noted that my crew of equally bone-headed bigots were "tight" with me and oh so lovey-dovey: In other words, my crew didn't give a rats ass what I was. And he complained bitterly to me that the universe wasn't fair and that our mutual but dramatically different situations was proof positive that God was malign... What do you think? ezspender@charter.net
--DM
08/24

American culture is so openly homophobic that it tends to perceive anyone who isn't a beer-drinking, football-watching, chauvanistic pig as "probably gay". My S.O. is often perceived as gay, which is ridiculous. Just because he has no interest in sports doesn't change his sexuality. So many of my male friends are perceived as gay, simply because they know how to dance. The awful truth that the average homophobic male hasn't paused long enough to figure out is that as dancers, they get to put their hands all over beautiful, lithe women at least once a week. American boys are just dumb. More power to the GSSM. I wouldn't even consider dating an average American male.
--ammy
08/23

Ok,this essay rocks. Um,personally I love boys that seem gay but are really straight only for the simple fact that gay boys drive me absolutely nuts but,the only problem is they are gay. I agree labels aren't the answer. They just give other people a reason to feel more comfortable about who they are & what THEY think. So,I hope that you remain a "Gay seeming straight man". Personally,there are a lot of girls out there that love boys just like you.
--J.V.
08/20

My friends call me the "gayest gay man in denial."
--FE
08/17

I'm dating a GSSM and he is FABulous! After having been married to the Charter Member of Homophobics Anonymous for way too long it's a breath of fresh air to have a man who enjoys cooking and painting toenails and colouring hair together. AND he's a sensational lover. I'll never go back to the other side again.
--gen
08/17

i thought your article was hysterical cuz i work with a couple alleged GSSM's but anyways i never really thought there were a whole mess of them out there. anyways your pic at the end of the article doesn't look gay to me.
--TT
08/11

Enjoyed the article. Thanks. Imagine how much gay-er they would think you were if you Dj-ed in a "gay" nightclub as well....giving up the eye candy to play music that moves me...and drinking white zinfindel the whole time....
--sy
08/09

GSSM? Get Some Sexual Maturity. As if Leif and his "community's" plight is something unique to Gen X ers. The only thing generationally unique about the phenomenon Leif's "reporting" is that he thinks it's some sort of "new perspective". Haven't you ever heard the old cliche "in touch with your feminine side", as semi-derogatory as the phrase has sometimes been? Maybe the phrase isn't available from a post-feminist viewpoint, but maybe you should have revisited the concept in order to say something relevent and thoughtful rather than loudly claim your ambivalance. I have the sort of metabolism that at least for now (late 20s) allows me to try on different builds (from reedy slight to pretty darn rugged) and guys find me hot whatever my physique. Frankly, I'm flattered by the attention as long as it doesn't mutate into some sort of unrequited stalker crush or a monetary solicitation, both of which creep me out. I don't know if it's my build though, I'm liberally educated and emotionally open, even my folks once had an "it's ok whatever you tell, we just want to know that you're all right" talk with me, and hell I can appreciate the lines on a hot guy in the gym as much as anyone with a sexual inclination toward him, I think. Nevertheless, I'm comfortable with women. Maybe I'm not a risk taker, or am closing my mind off to potentially more fulfilling possibilities (did I mention my relationships with women are almost always rocky?). I think my deep motivation for behind my sexuality may be downright sinister, my sexuality being twisted too tightly around power and control issues (and maybe just maybe some of that religious stuff Lisa Carver wrote about months back). Of course asking for brutal honesty may be too much to ask for from Leif. Poor baby.
--MEB
08/06

Guess what? I'm another GSSM. The scandal, eh??? What makes me seem gay? I'm a really good cook, I dress well, I'm capable of discussing emotional subjects (and not just the pain of watching my team lose), I smell good and I've been known to sew. Also, a lot of my friends are female. They often notice guys checking me out and I get fairly regular proposals (even one with the promise of payment). Like someone else said on this board, a compliment's a compliment no matter who it comes from. Now, if only I could remedy the problem that all the girls that fancy me seem to be between 14-19.
--MSB
08/06

Thank you soooo much for this article. I am a 24 Gay-Seeming Straight Male myself, and I must say it can be trying at times. Just to briefly share my character... Not by the farthest stretch of the imagination am I a screaming queen, nor am I a beer swilling sport-lover, or even a clean-cut ladies man. I think what makes people wonder about me isn't my mannerisms as much as it is how I relate to them and the world... the things I care about (music, art, decorating and dancing), and don't care about (sports, money, going to clubs and staring at ass all night.) The one thing that makes me absolutely sure that I am a Gay-SEEMING-Straight male is that I had quite a few homosexual experiences (most call it college and theater). Sure, most of them were just experimenting and fueled by alcohol, and I'm not ashamed of them or filled with guilt and regret... and I'll tell you why. I hated it... the guys lips, his hands, and his... well... everything. And it was sometime before I read your article's title that I came up with my own classification for myself: Lesbian. It's what I am, because I honestly can't figure out why women like us, but I'm not complaining... because I'm straight!
--bmd
08/06

Hi Leif! Loved your article. I think I'm in love with you...(jk) Anyway, I have had the same situation, but in reverse, in that I have historically fallen for seemingly-straight men who later turned out to be gay. My friends keep telling me that my 'gay-dar' is totally off. I'm hoping one day soon to get it right and meet someone like you!
--SF
08/06

Cool. I thought that just maybe I might be all alone out here in this great, big, must-be-black-and-white-or-else world. Thank you good sir for showing me that I'm not alone. TTFN.
--TLC
08/06

Great Story. I am curious why we as humans find it necessary to label everything as this or that. Just because one desires both the sexes, it also makes one undesirable to both the sexes. It really should not matter if you go underwater and have sex with fish. What ever blows your skirt up and makes you happy. And you don't harm the fish. rrockslide@earthlink.net
--RR
08/06

This is my first time visiting the site and I am Awestruck at how quickly I was able to find something like this... All my life I've been questioned about my sexuality. I am a Straight male and I have come to terms that a lot of my mannerisms are very feminine. Throughout my 23 years of life experience I've found that there are a lot of women out there who love efeminate men, which is good because that's what I am.
--MS
08/06

SOME YEARS AGO DREW CAREY DID A SKIT ON SNL TITLED "THE EFFEMINATE HETEROSEXUAL". HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR AND WHEN HIS FAMILY FOUND OUT, THEY WERE ASTOUNDED--"BUT DAD, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY!!!"
--PC
08/05

Excellent article! I can't wait to actually use the phrase, "I am a jism." That the article took a humorous tone versus the bitter, defiant one made it all the more perfect.
--JM
08/04

I really loved this article. It presented a completely valid and humurous response to the way people are labled by others. I'm a gay male who is often thought of as straight. (In all honesty it doesn't help that I've had several sexual and emotional realationships with woman, or that I'm still asthectic enough to check out some ass when in a group of friends.) I'm 100% gay, but my look, my withdrawn demeanor, my employment history, all say I'm straight. It was a treat to hear from the other side, and a subtle way of saying that genetically who you are is who you are...be it saint of sinner.
--APB
08/04

Can I just say how tired I am of my gay friends attmepting to talk me out of being straight? "When I first saw you, I said to myself, honey, that is one gay man." "Why don't you just come out already?" Ummm....because I'm not into guys?
--RBW
08/03

Hail fellow GSSM! Thanks so much for writing this. As a well-dressed, musical-theatre actor in NYC who cooks well and loves to shop I understand your scenario, brother. Nice to know there are others of us out there....
--GMB
08/03

Love this article. I've sent it to a number of friends of mine who "believe" that I'm straight to my face, but I've heard that they have taken bets on when I'll come out... Just because I buy cool shoes and enjoy writing and decorating they think I'm gay. GSSM... to bad it pronounces as it does. :) Thanks again.
--EC
08/03

finally - someone i can relate to - thanks for putting words to it!!!
--cjs
08/02

I too have been the victim of downright acusations (and I mean acusations) and declarations that I too must be gay. I laugh most of the time--but as a fellow "Gay-Seeming Straight Male"--it has come in QUITE handy in terms of having some good ole fun! Three of the ladies that have inquired into my heterosexuality have been given the chance to find out the truth. They ask "Are you gay?" And I'll say "No." They ask, "Are you sure?" and I say, "I'll prove it to ya"--obvious not that easily drawn out (actually one of them was) but you get the picture... Just want to say that I loved the article and I feel your pain--maybe you should start up a e-mail group about this... Good tidings, Lance
--LVE
08/01

Being a gay male myself, I find this article thouroughly funny and enjoyable. So many times I wondered in my own head, what category i truly fit into. It isnt untill recently that I have come to accept the fact that I myself am gay, not bi-sexual or nething of the sort. I think that I definitly will always be confused about my life, just as I have been in the past. Being a 20 y/o w/ emmerging sexuality issues is confusing enough. But I suppose that it only gets harder from now on. It is nice to find humor in the subject that some are so deathly serious about. I applaud the author for this brillient piece!!
--DEF
08/01

I loved this article. I am actually a gay man who has never been mistaken for straight, but who does not really feel completely "in step" with many other gay people--probably, mostly, because my viewpoints and approach to things are a bit too unconventional for some. I have always gravitated toward friendships with gay-seeming, straight males. I tend to think of myself and most of these friends as "queer." The word queer gets a bad rap, but it is short, sweet, and to the point. I never think of queer so much as a sexual quality as a personality/demeanor. Queer, to me, is "unconventional" or "not quite the expected." I detest the word "normal" for its connotations, curiously, because I don't know what the norm is, and honestly I don't WANT to know. I prefer it when a person is more than their appearance or more than some specific, label-able quality. People do enough pigeon-holing without us doing the same to ourselves. Variety is the spice of life, is it not? I applaud the author's resolve...even if it does screw up my gaydar. :)
--DMC
08/01

Excellent...excellent....excellent. Really well written, painfully honest and what a relief to hear others have similar experiences. d
--djm
08/01

There is no such thing as a gay-seeming straight male...only a male who hasn't yet come out of the closet (either to himself, to the world, or both).
--AMS
08/01

I usually just tell people I'm stright but I've been queer-bait all my life. They laugh, but that's the truth. I take come-ons as compliments regardless of the source.
--FMB
07/31

Thanks for the article. As a GSSM the annoying thing is everybody waiting for you to 'come out'. It's bloody hard when you're not actually 'in' anything. I suppose the good thing about it is that after a few dozen people tell you you must be gay y'really do have to examine your life to find out if they might be right. After seriously confronting this, i realised that, yes, i might enjoy sex with a man. I would in all probability also enjoy sex with a vacuum cleaner or anything else that involved long, intimate contact with my genitals and some moving parts. It's just that i'm not interested in following them up. Though there's a lot of those people so sure i was gay that i need to find and punch repeatedly in the face, i am glad that i am now confident about knowing my own sexuality. And i now openly admit to hating football and monster truck rallies.
--kp
07/31

interesting article. Stereotypes gays though... did people catch that???
--mean
07/31

--jj
07/31

Thanks for including this piece. It's an important perspective that needs to be shared more. Thanks again. A Gender-Bending Mostly "Straight" Male.
--DHC
07/31

--jj
07/31

As I type, I am still chuckling about this article. Not that I am a Gay-Seeming Straight Male (GSSM), if anything I am Gay-Seeming Straight Lipstick Dyck (GSSLD). (We could be onto something here with the personals). It is either my gay friends saying 'he doesn't know it yet, but he is gay' or my straight friends say 'he is too cute and dresses too well to be straight?' I am in a constant battle with my gay friends to keep 'my guy(s)' on 'my team' (I seem to have developed a pattern for the GSSM's of the world, maybe we should meet?) LOL
--MW
07/31

Thank you for a lovely funny read first thing in the morning. As the counselor designate of all my "nice-guy" male friends I found your piece both entertaining and accurate to the experiences they relate to me (a chick of fluid sexual orientation).
--TG
07/31

ok....... heck, it does show up on a board. i've learned and live to tell the tale -------may
--
07/31

Hey Leif :), Very nice essay and wonderful work (i've been looking at the earlier published pieces as well). I loved that your writer persona (at least) seems to love women--The Houston 500 article was pretty choky and the Cosmo article was necessarily needling at the end. Have you read the work of monique wittig (french philosopher/sci-fi writer:) who has a wonderful essay called "One is not Born a Woman" a take off from Simone de Beauvoir's famous statement. Ok, anyway her argument is that one's sex is just one of the several attributes we have, but socially deemed the most important---for instance when a child is born we dont ask does it have a big or small nose, but rather is it a boy or a girl --does it have a penis or a vagina. So the conditioning starts right there. "Queer Theorist" Judith Butler also uses similar arguments to posit that just because men as a group have penises it cannot be that they share every other attitude and emotion dominant within that group. Heck, i didn't mean to start my Women's Studies 101 spiel here :), just wanted to let you know i really enjoyed reading your work. xoxo maya This stuff doesn't get published, does it?
--m
07/31

I for years was a gay-seeming straight woman. It sucks when people think they know you better than you could possibly know themselves. What 16-23 year-old knows who they are inside and out anyway? No one. I think that people should be less audacious towards each other when it comes to facts and "truths"- everyone needs to find their own.
--SER
07/31

im a GSSM too!. but ive tried the gay thing, and ive concluded that i could not even really be truthfully called bi, even though i think it would be cool. i just like girls. fuck it. i dont get turned on by guys. BUT: seeming gay has some advantages to straight men, ive found. Girls are often leery of straight-seeming straight men, and who can blame them? especially american straight guys. date-raping frat boys who want to fuck them and then leave to watch the game with their 'buddies'. but they cuddle right up to guys who like to talk about shopping and will make fun of the dorky shoes on the other girls at the party with them. an added advantage: if you are being hounded by some girl that you dont like, its so easy to get rid of them. 'im sorry, i would love to if i werent gay.' My message to GSSMs: take advantage of the benefits.
--snk
07/31

hmmmm... maybe he's bi??????????????????
--JC
07/31

Duh, mistyped in my excitement ;-). I mean, of course, "sexual."
--KAT
07/31

The line I always use: "I'm straight, but not narrow." And besides -- WHO CARES?!?! I mean, too bad so many people do. As one poster said, let's just call each other "Secual human being" if labels are needed.
--KAT
07/31

Lief, The next time someone calls into question your orientation, just mention that you cited "The Natural" while covering the Houston 500. You cannot fake that kind of straightness.
--MPM
05/28

Dang, whazzup with the last commentator? I don't even like straight boys if they're older than 24 or 25, but I like you. See what I wrote under The New Fantasy by Emily Nussbaum, and let's talk.rvsde@hotmail.com -kp
--
10/20

Crummy writing, like what would pass for a columnist in a small-town. Except I suppose you fancy this a hot topic just because it has to do with homos---instant credibility of some kind, right? Was all the confusion from your stupid Prince Valiant haircut? I can't believe the bad, hip and stupid as hell statement that you represent a fringe of new sexual personas. The last decade was a gay safari and, especially if you're in a bar, people all have the eyeball to find Ellen and get a good laugh. You are not a fringe, certain fashions are simply viewed a certain way now. Imagine the fag comments that would've been made about Leif Garrett if he went around nowadays, especially with that old hair. I think you get my point. Drop the countercultural pretensions---this was boring enough.
--blah
07/08

Mr. Ueland, I'd just like to say that I was so pleased to read your article. I am 19 years old, and I am also a GSSM. I just started growing my hair recently, but otherwise, I used to look perfectly normal. However, so many people around me thought I was gay, including the friend of one of my teachers. I also would not ENTIRELY rule out male encounters in the future, but as of now, I only think about women, all the time. I have also felt what you felt, that "Maybe there's something I'm missing that everyone else understands," but I know that I'm not gay. Anyhow, I'm rambling, and I'd like to thank you for the great article.
--RM
06/12

Another well written article, What a fantastic writer!!!!
--MJM
02/06

leif, baby here i come with the answer to the question of you and life! :D actual sexual preferences are soooo not the point. GayDar is for REAL! but GayDar is REALLY about reading people for their Gender-Differences, NOT their sexuality. when people call you out, it's about those subtle, but very definitely THERE gender cues that make up a gay (read: notstraight) personality/persona/aura/vibe/essence/sensibility/ je-ne-sais-coiffure! dig? Gender-Difference. you. no really.... hey. xxox.
--i.s.
12/09

I really enjoyed your essay and while I am a female I have had this problem for years. The way that you describe how people treat you and your sexuality hit a nerve with me. It is soo much more involved than gay or straight. I am not even sure if it is bi-sexuality. Something that only a few may have the ability to feel. I find women attractive and have had sex with them but I love men more. The women seem to be an anomaly compared to my attration to men so I don't really consider it bisexual. As far as the comments I am constantly being told that I am too androgynous and have been approached more by gay women than men. I just wanted to maybe lend my thoughts to you.
--KL
12/01

can i get an amen, brotha?! dude, i am, like, totally stoked to read this, because, like, i am so totally that way, man... like i'll like meet these chicks, and we'll like, be talking & shit, and i'll say something about my girlfriend or something, and then she'll be like, "dude, i like, totally thought you were gay!", and i'll be like, "no way!", and it'll be this funny shit that we laugh about and then like, next thing you know, she'll be like, trying to get in my pants, no kidding... it's crazy man, i mean, chicks really dig this open minded intellesexuality shit, i am NOT kidding you... it's like, i mean come on, let's not be sexist here, women of today, are like, sincerely intelligent, dude... i mean, you let 'em find out that you're like, not gay, and then they start thinking, like, "hmm, this guys like, really sweet, and he's sensitive, cause like, i thought he was a fag, but he's not, so like, he must one of those sensitive, nubile young studly straight boys who knows how to lick --"... then next thing you know, they're ALLLL over you, cause you know, it's like, dude, i am so serious, like listen to me, ok? A woman needs love, JUST LIKE you do... you know what i'm saying? yeah, so it's like, well, if she's gonna get it that way, well, then why shouldn't i maybe get to sometime, maybe... ya know?
--lucc
10/14

Well done! As a faux-lesbian (translation: straight woman with a job around mostly gay folks) I can identify with this quite a bit. Only in our culture's current rage of vigilance about sexual orientation do we need to have these endless queer-ies about who is what, and under what circumstances. Two words: Spare Me. I believe I gave my therapist many mortgage payments discussing the topic "what if I'm gay and I just don't know it". It's a bit like asking the line about the sound from a tree falling in the forest when no one's around . . . somewhere there's a yogi who can tell you what it truly means. When I was a bit more irritated about the "mistaken for a dyke" thing, I would say the following: There are essentially 2 groups of people who are obsessed with determining other people's sexual identities: gay people, and people who want to hurt gay people. And since I am not a member of either of those populations, I have other things on my mind, so please . . . I have noticed that wealthy straight men seem to have the privilege of acting stereotypically gay without having their straightness called into question. You've seen it -- They can spend a little too much time on their clothes, wear a little too much cologne, be just a little too bitchy and precious and obsessive in restaurants and elsewhere, and people will just attribute it to their money and position in life (pun mildly intended). So, my advice is to make a whole lot of dough, and people will find something else to think about. :o)
--JMB
10/09

straightmale
--ul
08/31

Wonderful article by Leif. Not sure when from, but as a woman who has hung around a number of gayish straight males, I thought the article was articulate and well thought out.
--LRS
06/21

"I feel like I'm in a Kafka novel as adapted for the screen by Woody Allen." This is, without doubt, the best sentence I've read in the last year.
--CH
05/25

I read Leif Ueland's article on the trials of a gay-seeming straight male, and in it, he said how he needs a label. Well, I've got one for him: paragay. My exgirlfriend's boyfriend is just like him, and we came up with "paragay — all the advantages of a homosexual without the annoying rectal bleeding." Just wanted to pass it along. :)
--WS
02/23

Three cheers for Leif Ueland's tremendous essay on sexual astereotypicality (I don't know, but it sounds good). As a Straight-seeming Bisexual Male (SSBM?) I have to sympathize with many of his experiences: the assumption that one is gay-in-denial, straight-in-a-phase; the sense of mourning when one of one's "team" crosses over (or falls off the fence!), thus seeming to delegitamize one's own sexuality. (But then there have been enough other Chasing Amy style conversions); the need for "Vagina Experience" or "I'm Not Gay But Some of My Lovers Are" T-shirts. The most critical point which Leif makes though, is that those of us who spurn stereotypes and conventional labels are the team of the future. May I suggest that adding extra labels and categories (GSSM, SSBM, ABF (androgynous bisexual female) etc. only serves to multiply entities and prop up an ailing social and moral order. If I must be labeled, allow it to be as a "sexual adult human."
--JB
01/21

Leif Ueland's piece on being a GSSM was honest, insightful, entertaining, and finely-written. His comfort with himself is a model to others. I've never seen an article on this topic in any other publication. Supe
--rb.
12/11

As a fellow GSSM, at least I have an excuse: dad was a fag and mom's a dyke. I prefer to identify as "culturally queer and erotically straight," — watch the brains recalibrate when I toss that one out. Lately I've been trying out the less technical "queerspawn" for size. While I loved the piece, there was a piece missing: the — ahem — opportunities never realized because that curvy brunette in the grocery store sees the limp in your wrist and the arugala in your basket. It's a wonder that I've ever got any dates at all: while straight girls love the fantasy of the sexy gay guy, it's because it's safe: their advances will not be returned. So I usually stick to lesbians. The last six girlfriends have been so-inclined pre- and post-me; one was a separatist for ten years before I moved in, and she had learned some amazing things in Amazonia. Shouldn't part of redefining the straight male be redefining what we want in a woman?
--SL
09/28

Leif Ueland is obviously gay. Why else would anyone write what he wrote? It's like the thin girl at the party saying she needs to lose weight — Leif Ueland wants to hear people tell him how gay he seems. And why would anybody want to hear that unless they were gay?
--MA
09/28

Fascinating article! Why does it seem politically correct to be strictly straight or gay? We have a broad range of sexual attraction, as Kinsey described a long time ago. Bi's seem to have been left out of the discussion for the past decade. It doesn't make sense to cut half the human race out of being sexually attractive. Seems like it would be a lot easier for same sex couples (rather than hetero ones) to understand each other.
--JD
08/16

This essay hit very close to home for me, I must say! It is nice to chuckle over this subject with a peer. My mother must have asked me if I was gay at least once a week in high school. It always worked out in my benefit though, because no matter what kind of girls I brought home she always ecstatically approved. Here's to androgyny!
--AM
06/22

Excellent article by Leif Ueland. Well written, well thought-out and beautifully put together. I loved it. I want to see more by this writer!!!
--LR
06/21

My Gawd. Leif, you said it all! It's like my life in a nutshell. Is there a club I can join?
--BG
06/19

I'm sure the writer has touched a sympathetic nerve in quite a few fellow "seemers." My response to those who would judge is, "Whose business is it anyway?" Thanks for a well-written article.
--HK
06/19

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