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Reader Feedback on "Blowing It"

Never thought about all those odd phobias men have? My phobia has been that while I have always wanted blowjob, and liked cunnilingus, it's been hard to get so close, find such intimacy or other way give possibility to it. I've been too eager and made it a problem while not understanding those persons that didn't found it easy to give me head. Maybe it's up to trust. Maybe something else. Unsure boys like me think that every blowjob is good - until they grow older, like me, and found out that while it's still always good it needs some intimacy to be completely comfortable. Ps. I'm bad on fingerplay - don't know why - it seems that I've forgot how to do it or are too nervous to patiently listen partners body
--JN
08/28

I must confess that I am not a fan of receiving a blow job but don't mind licking a woman. I feel giving a woman oral sex is a man's duty or else it is much tougher for a woman to cum. Men don't need it as much to cum. Generally I feel all bj's are impersonal because they are a singular act and sex is a mutual act.
--rsan
01/03

Men don't need the type of "attachment" you describe. I give the same oral attention to both casual encounters and girlfriends. I do this because I enjoy it, I'm good at it and I take pride in it. I know that cunnilingus is the best thing I have going for myself sexually. I have neither a big dick nor a big wallet. I'm a little overweight and I'm average looking at best. Looking back, I suppose I was fortunate because, it was precisely due to the fact that oral sex IS just a skill set that I thought I had any chance at all with women. Rightly, or wrongly, I had the attitude that I HAD to be a giver if I was going to be able to get and keep a girlfriend. I would fantasize about giving head to women every day (and still do). Consequently, when I had my first opportunity I was very eager to learn and didn't want to stop until I got it right (or at least was doing something right down there). There were bumps along the road in the begining. My first girlfriend let me try a few times but after a while she would always get frustrated and cut me off. My second girlfriend, though, was patient and taught me a few things. After a while, she was more than willing to let me practice on her for as long as I wanted! And I did! I say this because - although I never felt anything about cunnilingus was repulsive - I sure did begin to like it a whole lot more after I became good at it (I had heard a lot about women faking orgasms so I wasn't really sure after the firs few times my second girlfriend said I got it right. It wasn't until I saw her vagina twitch and convulse right after she came - after she had already clawed my shoulder with her fingernails - that I knew I was onto something). It's like everything else - people tend to like what they're good at. Attachment plays a role but certainly not a decisive one. I truly cared for and was "attached" to my first girlfriend but that didn't help me - or her - when I was fumbling around not knowing what to do. Similarly, I don't think you being "attached" to any future partner is going to magically improve your skills. Will the context of a loving relationship be the trick that's needed to encourage you to want to practice more and learn? Maybe. Maybe not. A loving relationship also raises the stakes. As for me, now that I'm older, there doesn't seem to be as much time to waste in relationships any more. With dating and relationships, I make decisions a lot more quickly than I used to. So that, if I were in the beginning stages of a relationship and my partner consistently avoided and didn't want to give me head while I'm doing everything for her that I could sexually - I'm outta there. If she wants to learn and improve, I'm more than willing to be patient, work with her and stick around. But knowing what I know, if I encounter a woman who consistently avoids it - even with support and encouragement - that just tells me that she cares for her own vanity more than she does for me. Either she is afraid that the process of learning is too embarassing to bear (No one likes to be watched while they're learning something - particlarly if it's something that they're not picking up too quickly. I always used to dread it when our department had group training at work for some new software application. It didn't matter that I knew, everyone else knew and the metrics beared it out, that I was the best employee in the department, I still felt stupid when we were in training because I always seemed to pick up the new software a little slower than almost everyone. I later realized, though, that I was in fact picking the programs up faster than most; it was simply that I didn't smile and nod - I wasn't afraid to ask quesitons and possibly look stupid. The point, though, is that being watched while you learn is very intimidating because you are very vulnerable to being exposed as less bright, talented or competent than you project yourself, or imagine yourself, to be) or she believes that the position, or act itself, is too embarrassing (Another girlfriend once told me that she had difficulty getting into giving head when she was younger because she would always picture her partner watching her; and that image of him watching her, with her head bobbing up and down, was just too embarassing for her to get over). In either case, whether it's fear of being embarassed by learning or doing, it still comes down to vanity - caring more about yourself than your partner. But, as I said above, I'm fortunate. I HAD to become a giver. What I was very happy to find out was just how much giving got back in return - not just physically. It's sad because, if you have a supportive partner, it really is just an attitude; it really is that simple. As for yourself, I really find it hard to believe that any normal guy you're in a relationship with would turn you down and not be supportive if you said to him "Honey, I really want to learn how to give a good blow job. Could you help me?". Plllleeease! For 99 guys out of 100, it'd be like, SCHHHHHWWWING!(Wayne's World) "Ready when you are, honey" (The only exception to this rule is if you say that right when the St. Louis Rams game is about to begin). I find it hard to beleive, then, that a lack of male support is the issue. So, with all due respect, I think your're using "attachment" as an excuse. I think that once you learn how to give a consistent, good blow job you'll find that you don't need a lot of attachment in order to a give good blow job; and you'll find yourself becoming a lot more of a giver than a taker
--rrr
12/03

I thoroughly enjoyed this article. I'm one of the many woman who loves giving blowjobs. It was not something I was always comfortable with, however. I was lucky enough to have a boyfriend help me get over the phobia when I was 19. Now it is something I relish because I am good at it. It give me power and control, and when feelings are involved, it just adds more to the experience. It is something that should not be an expected part of a woman's skill set. I mean, really, we don't have the equipment, so we have to learn. Great Job.
--sw
10/30

Em, Couldn't resist a comment on your column. I'd rather get an inexpert but willing blowjob done with love and intention than an expert but impersonal one any day. I think the key is to want to do it; if you don't want to do it, you won't enjoy it, and he probably won't either. Don't do it if you don't want to. There are plenty of other ways to please your lover; if you're doing it and it isn't getting the job done, you can move on to something else. It's not the end of the world. It's not a contest, or a race. And when you make it to the finish, spit, swallow, or finish off by hand. Whatever feels right to you. If he's displeased with your choice and gives you a hard time about it, he doesn't deserve you.
--dab
10/08

Hi Em, I'm coming late to this post, if you'll pardon the pun. Oral sex is, of course, about technique, but so is every other part of having good, satisfying sex. More than technique though, IMHO, it is very much like the power transfer that is common in dom/sub relationships, i.e., while the dom calls the shots, the real power is with the sub for if the sub were not willing there would be no power to be had. Giving a good BJ or fabulous mustache ride to your lover is a gift. It is a gift of submission, it is a gift of pleasure, it is submitting your mouth, tongue, body totally to the pleasure of your partner. In normal relationships, such gifts are reciprocal. I enjoy eating my lady and feeling her ultimately squirm, shiver and shudder with intense delight. And when I'm through she kisses my face drenched with her juices and it is so erotic. It also charges her with desire to give me the best, most uninhibited head she knows how. I'm suspecting you, in spite of such a hip job writing about sex and relationships, have never been on the receiving end of an incredible orgasm courtesy of a talented lover who knows that in giving the receiving is amplified beyond mere technique and taken to heights of hedonistic ecstacy. You need to relax, drop your inhibitions, migod, you were unabashed enough to proclaim your inadequacy here, go a step further and let yourself submit. Watch a few porn movies for examples if you need the visual. But I think if you put it in your mind to make love to your lover's cock and to give great pleasure to him by doing so, you won't need any instruction, it will come naturally...and hopefully, so blissfully will he.
--bjd
10/07

Hey Emma~ I feel you sister! Like a girl in the backseat wrestling with "Will you give me head?" Let's see, from what i can remember, although i am reltivley young, i have been in many a compromising situation.Back in the day i was a pro and i DID mind but i preformed it anyways,from what i heard,i was aight.However, now, the last three attempts have been disasterous.i don't know what the hell happend? To be honest, two of the three were issues with choking on warm semen----a nasty aspect of fellatio. And the third, with the hands on the back of my head as if one were to fuck my mouth, made me sick and i said no- i don't want to do this, ironically, neither of us got off that night.Now, one thing that has thrown me off, was this hot stud with a large member, whom i'd just like to fuck the hell out of, neither of us had a condom, and i feel like such a fool, because i choked,litraly, (senstive gag reflex i guess) and not only was i too easy, didn't get anything in return but if i had said no---i probally be fucking him right now, but to easily gotten---easily forgotten--he doesnt want a hoe to give him head, and i'm not that girl. i am the chick whos great in bed, but i haven't found anyone whos worthy and deserving, who wants me back.And this all relates back to my hella insecurites about fellatio.Now on the other hand, good cunnalingus.......oh yeah...a+ if you can do it right......
--N.K.
10/04

Ooh, A.L., are you one of the exes she didn't blow?
--GV
10/03

The banality of this piece is mind-blowing, which I suppose is a start. That the writer couldn't be bothered to work up the material more artfully speaks volumes about her inability to work up other things satisfactorily. Less chatter, more matter: words to live by whether you're writing or doing other things.
--A.L.
10/03

I'm a male whom has received some horrible blow jobs - it has gotten so bad I no longer have interest in receiving them unless I know my female partner fully comprehends what causes pleasure vs. discomfort. I was able to assist one become a pro via the following method. Ask your partner to jerk off or masterbate in front of you, a man can make himself cum quickly via masterbation because he is attacking his penis' sensitive zone. Watch it with detail, and basically attempt to do the same thing with your lips and/or tongue (NO TEETH). If you require an aid, jerk him off with your hand (and make sure he rates your grasp/position from 1-10), and from that point you can't go wrong slowly combining your hand with your mouth. And watch porno - as much as you can get your hands on! WRONGS : .Don't suck on the head like a doorknob - men don't jerk off their head - they jack off their penis (mostly shaft). .Don't think deep throat is a big deal - the key to releasing the dam is the shaft region immediately behind the head. .Don't think you are Debbie in Dallas and can do it stictly with your mouth, grab around the shaft and jack him/move it up and down until the guy rocks with you. It will minimize the duration of the event and most certainly he will appreciate you more afterwards. .Don't consider it something you must do for him or a displeasable task - get into it! Nothing is worse than having an apathetic lady suck your dick. Show some emotions, tell him you can't wait to suck the cum out of him, or having it drip on your face - as that will put you 25% of the way there!
--REL
10/02

You lack enthusiasm.
--MM
10/02

em, have you ever heard of sensate focus? i'm sure you have. one partner takes some time to focus on a particular part of the other person's body (usually starting someplace other than genitals, like the fingers) & just enjoys the sensation of touching it � not to "give" pleasure but to share it. I give mind-blowing oral sex, but I don't go down there planning to make him come or even thinking much about his pleasure sometimes. I think a man's cock is one of the most beautiful things on earth, and i love to feel it on my lips and tongue. Sometimes i just look at it. Forget the whole idea of a "job". Don't try to do anything for him. Think of how good it feels inside you, then think how it will feel just as good in your mouth. Kiss it the way you kiss the rest of his body.
--amh
09/25

Hi Em, Just one comment(for now). It's not the quality of the blowjob(whatever) but the quality of the of the person begifting it. Yes, begifting. I (and I assume you) can't give oral pleasure to myself, so it must be given to someone. A gift should be a pleasure to give. Think on that...and be a giving person Peace
--Ric
09/23

Oops, the article was about blowjobs and not tango? Oh well... :-) Ubik_Heisenberg
--Ubik
09/18

It takes two to tango. Dancing tango is quite difficult to learn for most people, thus, it has to be practiced to be danced properly. Practice makes perfect, it's not only true; it has to be accepted as part of the Nature of Life. Sometimes, tango can look great for spectators while not feeling good at all to the other dancing partner. Practice makes perfect and the honest heart you put at the task makes all the difference. IMO, tango is all about having fun with your partner and not about coerced little ornaments, but OTOH, there are basic moves that are absolutely required, otherwise it would not be tango...
--Ubik
09/18

People, please: "Should I spit or should I swallow?" was a rhetorical question, a literary trick to wrap up the essay nicely and neatly. Don't take things so literally, sheesh. As if there's a right way and a wrong way...Emma, when you get to the deep end, do whatever the hell you want, obviously.
--flo
09/18

Very entertaining piece. Definitely swallow. It truly helps if you care deeply about the person. They can usually tell if you are not into giving it. I've found someone I love to do this with and it turns me on. Of course, he's so blow away (no pun intended) he can't figure out where I learned to do what I do. PRACTICE makes perfect. Watch a few of those movies too! Use lots of saliva and use your HANDS to help too! Good Luck!
--ns
09/18

Listen, Im older than you and I can tell you from way over here, I know how you feel. Things change. They surely do.
--p2s
09/17

Yes, please do swallow. It makes us guys feel so much better.
--AF
09/17

But he realized that I wanted his guidance only so I could go out and fellate fruitfully, lick other lollipops, suck other sausages... Now that's funny! But Emma T., seriously, the anwer lies in this simple tidbit..."the joy is in the joy of giving," and if that ain't coming your way (no pun, really), then don't let them cocksucker blues get ya down.
--gt
09/16

when you get to the deep end, swallow.
--r
09/14

Girl . . . Spend about an hour with me, learning my technique & guys will swear you're a professional. Actually they will say to you "You're better than any professional I've ever had". My advice: spit AND swallow.
--JS
09/14

amazingly, your extensive coterie of squeezes were as pedagogically impaired as their student's learning curve. 1} if any of these boys or you has any porn, watch some together while your trying to do it. if neither of you has any that he likes, go get some. there are four hour tapes with 30-40 acts in them and i think he would like some of them better than awful you. yeah yeah that impersonal competence has its limitations but it beats incompetence however personalized, and if you are ever going to achieve personal competence there are mechanics involved. 2} play with your gag reflex. i learned about this in the context of bioenergetics (somatic psychology) but after a short time the prospect -- never realized, politically i may be a kinsey 3 but i decided to keep acting like a 1 -- i found that previously totally umanageable bananas became tootsie rolls. 3}come first and then play with yourself or have him platy with you while youre doing it
--jsg
09/14

re: fellatio Jeez Emma - if you don't like to give head, then don't do it. If you don't like it, it will never be fun for any one involved. Of all the people in the world I would not expect to be hung up about sexual obligations or score cards it would be you folks at Nerve. In the modern Cold War Between the Sexes, much of which I feel has been less than constructive, women have taught men one wonderful thing: Let's try and BOTH have a nice time without one partner being satisfied at the expense of the other. Last time I looked, sex was only honestly satisfying when everybody involved was enjoying themselves. Of the wonderful women I've known in my life, some were not interested at all in fellatio; some were enthusiastic almost to a worry. But the yes or no of any given sexual activity has never been an issue, nor a prerequisite, as far as I'm concerned. And every time people come together, especially sexually, they create that mysterious invisible creature which can charm or repulse, depending on the real hidden truth which flows from the hearts of the partners. Being involved with someone (whether it's a passing thing or a lifetime magnum opus) is about the entire package, not just the bits and pieces we want to value or devalue. And sex, of all things personal and interpersonal, is about having fun, feeling outside of ourselves and part of someone else, and most of all NOT thinking at all for a while about performance or obligations or being judged or judging; just simply being in the here and now. Most of all, coercion has no place in sex (from my middle aged male perspective) whether it comes from somebody else or even worse, from within. So Em, it's a nice essay, but it's not worth worrying about. As together as you seem to be, it's a surprise. McGhee
--AM
09/14

You've my empathy (but from the receiving end) in regards to fellatio. I can never orgasm from a blowjob alone, and the reaction from a partner has never been positive. "What do you me you can't come? Well... [insert wicked, devilish look here] you've never had one of MY blowjobs!" is the stock response. Invaribly egos are crushed, with reactions ranging from disappointment to pissed-off-to-the-point-of-leaving. This feels like some failure on my part, which of course makes me even more neurotic and less relaxed when receiving head. And, according to all of my gay friends, relaxation is key...
--J
09/14

Most BJ reluctance has two causes: 1.) Your earliest association with the lower body involves bathroom functions, so your mouth doesn't belong there. Solution: Get over it. Do it with a guy you really like. Tell him you want to learn. Don't think you have to perfect it the first time; making the effort counts for a lot. And think about what is happening when he goes down on you, especially if you are really juicy with a lot of flow. How much of your juices is he taking in over a 15-20 minute period? Fair is fair. 2.) You think semen is gross because it's so different from other things you ingest. Solution: Ease your way into it. Finish him off with your hand (whether you start with your mouth or not). The first couple of shots will end up on his stomach, but a fair quantity will be on your hand and running down his cock. Lick it off your hand. Then put him in your mouth ... gently, his cock will be really sensitive ... and lick and suck and swallow. Do this until he gets soft. The shortening of his cock as his erection departs forces the remaining semen out of the urethera gradually. Suck it out and swallow it. This is all about conditioning using small quantities. Once you have done this three or four times, the texture and taste will be familiar. Then it won't be a big surprise the first time he cums in your mouth; there will just be more of it. Don't forget, it's only about a tablespoon, not a quart. And if you are afraid of a big shot going straight down your throat and setting off the gag reflex, put the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth just as he's about to cum and use the underside to block the first shot. Keep the same steady rhythm when you do this, and just lower your tongue and go down farther on him for the rest of his orgasm. As for teeth, unless you have a mouth full of big horse teeth, it's a matter of just being considerate of sensitive tissues; you don't have to wrap your lips around them -- that will be uncomfortable for you and unnatural feeling for him. I have had the good fortune of having been with three or four women who swallowed as though it were the most natural thing in the world. Women like that you never forget. Learn to be one of them and it will change your sex life.
--RSB
09/13

I disagree with most of the other boys. My girlfriend doesn't swallow, and I'd rather clean up than not get any oral at all. After all, I don't swallow when I masturbate. You don't have to deep throat. The underside of the shaft and the head are by far the most sensitive, so just lick them, and pump with your hand. And a girl can be too proficient. It makes me wonder where and with who she got so skilled! Far more important than technique is enthusiasm. I don't want to have to ask for it as if it were something unpleasant for you. There's nothing more arousing than looking at a girl enjoying giving me pleasure. And cunnilingus isn't unpleasant either, as you imply, and yes in fact I have had one night stands where we blew eachother.
--A.S.
09/13

Such a pleasure to read! The sweet and low-down on the subject with great insight and humour. It is accurate to say, from a man's perspective, that there is no such thing as a bad blowjob. Take heart and suck it up. Thanks again for the great read. CF
--
09/13

I feel so good to have read that someone else feels exactly the same as I do about giving head. I've done it a number of times with several different men, but I've never been completely comfortable with it, nor have I felt as though I give good head. It's always been awkward; probably mostly because either I'm not completely comfortable with the guy or I'm too fucking concerned about giving a good blow job. I've read articles, I've practiced and it's just never felt right. But I guess where my mouth fails, my hips succeed! And if a man decides he's not into me just because I have not perfected my fellatio technique, then he is not deserving of me anyway. When you do master the technique, swallow. I do, and I haven't even mastered it yet. I figure at least I know that will definitely be enjoyable.
--vg
09/13

Obviously didn't spend enough time as a Jersey girl! Seriously, I think you need to find somebody who you really care about. Then learn. There's no shame in acquiring a skill. And yes, you should swallow if at all possible.
--hx
09/13

Oh boy, does this piece blow. When will Nerve writers stop trying to impress us and really write? I guess it's not in the cards!
--BM
09/12

We're located downtown, but the offices are basically fine, and as far as I can tell, so is the Nerve staff. Several of us were in the office when this all was happening, and it was very, very strange and horrible. On behalf of all of us: deepest condolences to anyone who lost loved ones, and our thoughts are with everyone out there during this hard time.
--ESN
09/12

Eeegads! I totally know what you mean. I can count the number of bjs i've given on my little finger. Oh well, even if you decide not to try and perfect the skill, know that there are many other ways to make up for it. Btw, I hope you guys over there at Nerve are alright. I don't know where specifically in NYC you are situated, but my thoughts are with you all none the less. Cathedra :)
--Cath
09/11

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I haven't given many Bjs either. I don't swim, I never learned to ride a bike, and I still don't have my driver's license. I finally decided that fear of looking ridiculous was making me miss out on a lot of fun, so I HAVE been taking swimming lessons. . .but bj lessons at the women's Y? Guess I'll have to look for someone willing to give "personal instruction"
--C.
09/11

By all means swallow. That's a significant part of the pleasure for a man. It shows you really care.
--RB
09/11

I never understood how hard it was to give a good bj until I gave one. The first few I gave (I'm sure) were not the very best, but the guy would find a way to enjoy himself (we were in xxx movie theaters, so there was plenty of stimulus). Having now been on both ends of this dilemna, here are a few of my thoughts. I think it's most important that you enjoy giving the bj. There's nothing worse than someone trying their best to give a bj but obviously not enjoying themselves. Of course, I have yet to find any part of sex that I haven't enjoyed so it's hard for me to relate. Secondly, saliva is important but varying suction pressure is primary. Spend time at the head, deep throat a little, use your hands, suck on the balls, massage the inner thighs, etc. Also, a little gently teeth action is very stimulating (just like a gentle nip on the tit can give you a rise). Variety is good. Lastly, and although I know this can be difficult, swollow if at all possible. You've aquired tastes for coffee, cigarettes, beer, etc. Aquire a taste for cum. It's really that simple. Just "suck it up" and suck it up. A geyser is quite messy and causes a massive cleanup effort. Spitting can make your partner feel as if he's caused you to do something you didn't want to do and bring guilt into the equation (which can really screw up the mood). Swollowing will allow you to continue sucking until he goes soft. There is much pleasure for the guy as he lays there in the afterglow. You've gone this far so you might as well finish the job properly. Anyway, those are my thoughts. I hope you are able to conquer your aversion cuz getting sucked off is an unbelievably good feeling. Fucking is now and will always be the best way to get off, but that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy other ways (jacking off, either alone or together has it's upside too). Give your guy this gift and get yours to when he laps you into orbit.
--rdj
09/11

Okay, where to begin with "comments" on this article? Objective: Hilarious, well-written, filled with passion, angst and several socio-pathalogical strains. Compassion: Don't worry someday you will get it and good blow jobs come and go just as easily as somebody finding the perfect g-spot pressure that makes your body hum. Admiration: Tons of thought obviously went into this as well as alot of personal reflection and revalation. Bewilderment: You work at NERVE, you think about sex probably just a little bit more than the average person and you are really worried about never learning how to give good head??? No, wait. Forget about all of those other things: this was one of the best, most entertaining, had me crying from laughing so hard pieces I have ever seen in Nerve. THANK YOU for writing it. PS--so how many readers asked for a date and or assistance with your troubles??
--njm
09/11

Okay, where to begin with "comments" on this article? Objective: Hilarious, well-written, filled with passion, angst and several socio-pathalogical strains. Compassion: Don't worry someday you will get it and good blow jobs come and go just as easily as somebody finding the perfect g-spot pressure that makes your body hum. Admiration: Tons of thought obviously went into this as well as alot of personal reflection and revalation. Bewilderment: You work at NERVE, you think about sex probably just a little bit more than the average person and you are really worried about never learning how to give good head??? No, wait. Forget about all of those other things: this was one of the best, most entertaining, had me crying from laughing so hard pieces I have ever seen in Nerve. THANK YOU for writing it. Nick PS--so how many readers asked for a date and or assistance with your troubles??
--njm
09/11

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