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Reader Feedback on "Miss Information"

Wow! I just read your reply to the guy who's girlfriend had a threesome in the past. While the incident with me is not the same, the feelings of tell or not rang true. Way to go with good advice! (Just to clarify my issues: I'm dating a sweet, loving man. He's been out of town a lot lately. He wanted me to call him after a class last week. When I couldn't get in touch with him afterward as he requested, I freaked out. I didn't tell him until last night because I was scared shitless to tell him anything. I've had bad experiences in the past with this sort of thing. I told him it was my deal, my insecurities, not anything he'd done. Now, I'm not so sure if it was the right thing to do. But! I'll use your advice on how to deal with that when I talk with him next.)
--E
07/23

"cuss" ??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
--SG
07/03

SG is ANOTHER “dude” who talks like a chick? Hilarious. I am amazed that you “guys” apparently feel so threatened by me that you choose to cuss (AB) and project your own issues and insecurities on to me (SG and MXW). Perhaps you should form your own therapy group...or have afternoon tea together. Either way, my work is done here.
--FYI
06/30

a) SG is a guy b) FYI is a very, very sad little man.
--MXW
06/30

“FYI is the walking embodiment of exactly what's wrong with male-female relations. Any woman who responds to that kind of ignorant tripe deserves exactly what she gets, which is used and thrown away.” Translating Womanspeak to English (for the other guys reading these posts), she’s saying that “women are sexually attracted to and sleep with strong, confident men like FYI.” Thanks for the compliment, SG.
--FYI
06/28

Oy, what a lame comment section. FYI is the walking embodiment of exactly what's wrong with male-female relations. Any woman who responds to that kind of ignorant tripe deserves exactly what she gets, which is used and thrown away. That being said, though I try to avoid speaking entirely in moronic stereotypes like FYI, I have to admit I agree partially with PO that guys who participate in sex with other guys in the mix are at the very least Bi, if not totally closeted homosexuals. (Which is fine -- gay people are all well and good -- but straight guys who don't KNOW they're gay are kinda fucked up.) It's like those guys who sit around jerking off together, watching "straight" porn -- how in hell is that NOT gay?
--SG
06/27

MB, You have a husband and a boyfriend and say I am sending the wrong messages? Unbelievable. The fact that your p-whipped husband and boyfriend knowing service your nonsense is yet one more example of what’s wrong with so many of today’s “men.” At this rate, Nerve.com should be renamed No Balls.com.
--FYI
06/27

MB - a 3-car train is still a train -- just faster. And: seeing another man naked (sweaty, grunting, etc.) is not a bad thing. Just a gay thing. Newsflash: your BF and husband are not straight.
--PO
06/27

Oh, and PO . . . I believe "pulling a train" is, by definition, having sex with many folks. Think about etymology--a train with only 2 cars is a damn small train. A threesome, by contrast, is a lovely way to spend an evening. And both my husband and my boyfriend (who, duh, are open about seeing another man naked--since when did that become a bad thing unless you're a repressed frat boy?) would agree.
--MB
06/27

Interesting. My boyfriend sends me naughty texts about what he'd like to do to me pretty much every day, sometimes many of them, mixed in with the "I love you" and "I can't wait to see you" texts. And, oddly, after a year I still want to rip his clothes off and do unsanitary things to him every time I see him. Maybe FYI & others have just been sending the wrong messages!
--MB
06/27

AB, “Dude”, your irrational, emotional response only supports my previous posts. Thanks for playing.
--FYI
06/27

great logic there, sv... now tell the world why you are on a dating site, commenting on said dating site, and why you REALLY don't date... you can exclude your d and d affliction...
--ch
06/27

Me think ANR should not date. Women will ask for more attention eventually, causing him to spend less time at work, making mistakes and eventually losing the job, which I'm sure he does 7 days because they pay him well or he is desperate for the money. I'm in same situation as him, I don't bother to date. Not worth the hassle.
--SV
06/26

FYI, For starters, I’m a guy. ‘We’ refers to all of us, humanity. Second of all, read my response, where I go on for a paragraph about why it’s a bad idea to share everything. “I think that you're over estimating people's ability to digest things they don't want to hear.” “The emotional, often visceral, response that comes from being told something is rarely if ever cured by logic, discussion or factual evidence that comes from further sharing about the subject.” “I think that part of being in a relationship is observing how someone wants to be treated and then abiding by it, unless it's unacceptable for you.” I’d go on, but if you were too fucking ignorant to read my first response I don’t expect you to read this one.
--AB
06/26

What planet are we on here? AB, I disagree with your statement that “in an ideal world, we'd (meaning women) be able to air out all of out thoughts for our significant others (SOs).” Number one, though you may want to share all of your thoughts with your SO, many of us men don’t want to hear all the thoughts of a sexual partner. To us, your “airing out” is a burden. If you want to “air out” to please yourself, talk to a girlfriend, write letters, or blog. Number two, why do you think an ideal world is one where you and your partner tell each other everything? Knowing everything about your partner kills mystery and sexual passion. If you want a sexless friendship, get a girlfriend (assuming you’re heterosexual). To us men, the world you describe is hell, not heaven. Number three, you said that “PO, it's your bad for not warning her that you're uncomfortable discussing sexual histories.” Are you kidding? She brought the subject up, not him. It was her bad initially, not his. Hmmm, a woman trying to shirk her responsibility and place the blame on a man? Never happened before. So you actually believe men should somehow foretell what subjects their partners may bring up during an “airing out” (initiated by her, of course, for her pleasure) and then proactively tell them what they are uncomfortable with? Assuming men are mind readers? Hmmm, never heard that before, either. Trying to force men to accommodate women’s capricious whims? Good luck with that. To the anonymous person who said that “manly men” are “repressed”, yeah, sure. Sounds like you’re another wussified victim who’s been brainwashed by an effeminate media. Nice, but failed, attempt at trying to make testosterone a bad word. When you find the sand to put three anonymous initials next to your own comment, feel free to rejoin the conversation. And to Krr, thanks for the compliment, babe.
--FYI
06/26

Erin, I think your advice to Potential Oversharer is basically sound, but I think that you're over estimating people's ability to digest things they don't want to hear. The emotional, often visceral, response that comes from being told something is rarely if ever cured by logic, discussion or factual evidence that comes from further sharing about the subject. Certainly, in an ideal world, we'd be able to air out all of out thoughts for our significant others to pick through without having to deal with the jealousy, unnecessary emotional pain and arguments that--in my experience--typically come from sharing too much information. I think that part of being in a relationship is observing how someone wants to be treated and then abiding by it, unless it's unacceptable for you. For some people, a calm statement of feelings such as "I think that someone's sexual history is an important part of their identity" can easily turn into anger and hurt feelings--i.e. PO's freak-out. Lots of people have a few subjects, particularly things that they feel any insecurity about, that they are unable to take an unimpassioned look at. Having a few of those no-go zones doesn't necessarily make someone unfit for a relationship. There are a ton of things that I think are essential to communicate--whether you want kids, your peanut allergy, you think people wearing Crocs look like douche bags-- but something like a twinge of jealousy over the past is not. What's the takeaway for the other person? What can they do with this information that will help the relationship? Warning someone that you have a tendency to get jealous about that sort of stuff so they don't constantly trample that raw nerve gives them the opportunity to do something about how you're feeling. PO, it's your bad for not warning her that you're uncomfortable discussing sexual histories and for throwing a fit over an esoteric discussion that never should have happened if you discussed your discomfort previously.
--AB
06/26

... and btw, locker rooms and towel snapping breed fags and wannabes, the fading majority of women certainly deserve respect, and threesome-chicks are wack, pathetic and tainted for life...
--ch
06/26

umm, anr, no matter what the reasons, working 7 days a week ain't "lucky", maybe you meant "lackey"...
--ch
06/26

@PO, I'm not sure I follow your logic. Something like - someone is a slut if they have a threesome, but sluts couldn't get a threesome? That makes no sense. Yes I know you didn't say slut... but you did seem to imply that a woman is branded and of low morals for any kind of sexual experience. Why so threatened? @FYI - I think you and @PO should go out... of course we need more repressed manly men out there. You can go towel snap each others asses in the locker room like all 'men' do. Aren't women worth a little respect?
--
06/25

FYI's tactics work on a certain type of woman who likes a certain type of man. You can see them whooping it up in the meatpacking district on any given Friday. Personally, I'm glad he's spreading the gospel. Those tactics won't work on the type of people (I'm guessing) most nerve readers are interested in, which means more girls/guys for us!
--VS
06/25

Ah yes, the overused term "sexual jealousy" rears its ugly head again. The fact is, the guy has a right to be put off by his girlfriend pulling a train with 2 dudes, whether it happened last night or last year or back in high school. People need to own their deeds, and that means if you decide that you're going to get your rocks off getting fucked from both ends by 2 guys (who definitely have some sexual identity issues of their own -- no straight guy wants to be screwing a girl with his naked sweating grunting buddy on the other end), you are forever "the girl who fucked 2 guys." To yourself, and everyone you will ever be with. To your future husband. People who do things like this and are ok with that, absolutely, get down wit cher bad self, enjoy. But people who spend their sexual capital willy-nilly, without thinking about what it now makes them, are peobably too naive to be having a threeesome in the first place.
--PO
06/25

krr, his advice may seem sexist if you're not one of those women who only seem to get turned on by men who don't particularly give a shit about them. But believe me, there are a hell of a lot of women who are that way (at least temporarily), and acting semi-indifferent turns out to be a reasonably good way to get into bed with them. Now whether one should WANT to spend one's time in bed (or elsewhere) with those kinds of women is another thing entirely...
--S.F.
06/25

fyi, you're a sexist pig.
--krr
06/25

Your girlfriend had a 3-way with 2 guys? Hott. You should be thrilled, not annoyed. See if you can get her to do another one with you involved. DP action is good for you.
--JL
06/25

PO, Here's a simple test: Do her present actions make you feel like she'd rather be with someone else? Or do they make you feel like she wants to be with you? That's the test, and remember, it's her actions, not what you imagine in your head. While we're at it, let's flip it around. I assume she's not your first lover, right? Have you ever had mind-blowing sex with another woman? A "greatest blowjob ever" story? A "night I got my freak on" story? Well, do you really want to be with those other women now? Of course not; you want to be with your current girlfriend (and if you don't, then you need to get out of this relationship now; it's unfair to both of you). So let's assume her three-some was the Greatest Sexual Experience of her life. So what? Unless her actions are suggesting to you that she would rather be with another guy (or guys), let it go and feel secure that she wants to be with you.
--REM
06/25

Potential Oversharer (PO) and Already Not Ready (ANR), Miss Information is leading you both astray on 2 key points – sharing your negative feelings and showering a date with positive attention. Both types of sharing will quickly move you from the potential lover category to the ex-lover and/or platonic friend category. PO, your first instinct was correct. You should’ve kept your mouth shut. Her sexual past has nothing to do with you. Though the damage has already been done (as you astutely pointed out), drop it. If she brings it up again, smile and change the subject. She’ll get the hint. If she brings it up over and over again knowing how you feel then something is wrong with her. ANR, just go on some dates, dude. And do NOT “yap about how much you miss her.” No links, no e-cards. Though women, like Miss Information, will tell you this is what they want to hear (c’mon what woman doesn’t want such attention?), too much of it too soon will kill her sexual interest in you. A woman can only desire you as much as she respects you. She’ll respect you (and desire you) a lot more if you hold back such attention, especially early on. Let her work for it and earn it. Why do you think so many women let “nice guys” take them to dinner/concerts/etc and tell them how wonderful they are, but end the night in the beds of “bad boys” who spend nothing on them? Bad boys don’t yap about their feelings. They are too busy being getting laid. That’s the bottom line. This is why, as I’ve said before, guys should be getting dating advice from other guys, not gals.
--FYI
06/25

One question you should think about those 70-hour work weeks. Are you working them because you HAVE to work them, or is there just no reason to go home, so you might as well get more work done? What would happen if you took a day off to, say, clean your apartment?
--JCF
06/25

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