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Reader Feedback on "Miss Information"
BJC, I love the assumption that of course I own my own apartment (if I had that much money airfares wouldn't be an issue), and that immigration wouldn't notice a little thing like being 6 months over a visa... I'm not brave enough to risk deportation and being banned from your shores for 10 years. But overall, good advice, people. BT, it's for fear of ending up like your hubbie that I dithered over making that leap. My american friend and I split a year ago - but we're still in touch and haven't given up on it yet. If this ends up being the first "Miss Information" wedding, I'll let you all know.
-Frozen.
--FS
11/04 |
Same scenario, but the other way around, I was in America and he was in England. We went the marriage route and he came here. It was a disaster. The immigration system is hell and he couldn't work legally for a few years, this led to depression and blaming me for ruining his life. As for me, I discovered all manner of living habits I had not been privy to before cohabitation. I was not happy. Legally we are still married, and we are friendly, but we live separately and that suite me just fine.
--bt
11/01 |
Having gone through it, a K (marriage) visa between an american and a non-american is straightforward, if complex, to work through, and one of the easiest ways to get status in the US. The comment about 3 years implies she's violated a visa though which does make it harder.
As to his great job, I don't know what it is, but. I was able to arrange with my employer to, literally, telecommute from Sydney, Australia ;) So in the span of one year I was able to spend two one-month periods in Sydney with her. It was rough, spent lots of time working in the middle of the night, but allowed me to be there.
After that, we made the choice that I had the better job/career in the US and so we "dove into" the marriage choice. She had no visa restrictions so it took near to a year to work through the K visa process. And note, once she arrived in the US, we had to either get married within 90 days or she had to leave. We're still together after 6 years, with some rough spots here and there but it's been worth it.
--PRB
10/31 |
Dear Frozen,
When I was 16, my mom was single.A friend of hers set her up on a blind date,three weeks later she married him. They have been married and blissfully happy for 30 yrs. Just do it . There is no perfect solution and no "right" time. You love him and he loves you. That is about all there is.
dirtwood
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10/31 |
She should talk to other couples (face to face) who are in l-t relations with a non-US person. Learn the joys and problems in advance. I didn't but it worked out fine. I learned via "on the job" training. Both people will need extra flexibility especially as the "magic" wears off.
--ff
10/30 |
5 years is a ridiculously long time to spend on someone you only see "one or two times a year." This man is either the love of your life, or you are using each other as the excuse for why you can't get your REAL love lives together. Either dump him immediately or go move to where he is NOW and stay as long as you can before you get deported. Can't you stay in europe for up to 3 months on a tourist visa? Do it. After 3 months of living with him, you'll have a much clearer picture of what you want. But don't get married. Divorce is a lot more messy to deal with than an angry customs agent, no matter which way you slice it.
--ja
10/30 |
Relationships are hard enuff. Screw someone accessible, preferably in the same borough but NOT within 30 block radius of where you live or in same building as you.
--SV
10/30 |
I wanted to bring my Swiss girlfriend of two years (I'd been living in Switzerland..) to the US to see if things kept going as swimmingly as they had been, and if they did, I'd ask her to marry me.
Uh, Immigration had other ideas. There is no such thing as a "lets see how this relationship works out" visa. After some soul-searching, I decided that I did want to marry her. Let me tell you: this is no process for the wishy-washy. Count on thousands of dollars for lawyer fees, visa application fees, etc.., and hours and hours spent on getting all the forms just right. I sent a photocopy of the back of my birth certificate, *which has NOTHING on it - the back is just plain white*, because the Immigration form asked for a copy of the back as well as the front.
My advice is to find someone in your same area code, unless you're really, really sure that your relationship is right. Straddling two continents is hard.
--MH
10/30 |
Cross continent can work if you both love each other. Have you used Skype? Video really helps. Plus the flights to and from London to US aren't too bad if you look hard enough.
That being said, you will need to plan to be together at some point in the future. My cross continent thing * could * have worked out if only he asked me to stay... but alas, he wasn't ready to propose. It is hard to be separated, but it works to your advantage if you break up (no possibility in doing a drive by to see if his car is in the driveway!!)
Good luck
--EPF
10/29 |
FYI says: "Cross-continental relationships (as in anything more than casual flings) are a waste of time and energy."
Not always. My girlfriend and I were cross country for a year. What made it work was a concrete plan to end it, which we did. Now we're married. Without a concrete plan to end the long distance, the relationship is very likely to end itself.
As Miss Info says - suck it up and DO something about it.
--MRI
10/29 |
intercontinental "relationships" blow. it's like living in 2 places at once and not being able to live fully in anyone of them. but, if it's been going on for so long, well, dive in and see what happens. if anything it would be an experience. get married (on understood and amicable terms) and no visa problems!
--jds
10/29 |
Cross-continental relationships (as in anything more than casual flings) are a waste of time and energy. Unless you two live in the same city, forget about it. Move or move on.
--FYI
10/29 |
If the job is so good he should be able to pay for her air fare.
I can sorta see in this economy a dude not wanting to take a vacation. Layoffs are coming everywhere and he probably wants to do everything he can to make sure he's not the one laid off.
Beyond that, it's not hard to live illegally in America, as long as you speak English. She could always book a flight to see him and then not use the return ticket. If he lives in any kind of city, she'd probably be able to find an off the books waitressing or bartending job so she's not mooching off of him.
In the meantime she could sublet her apartment in the UK so she'd have some money coming in - say for six months.
If, after six months of living together illegally and in sin they are still in love, at that point she could consider marrying him and getting the actual visa. Or, by this point she'd know she doesn't want to marry him and could go back to her old apartment in the UK.
--BJC
10/29 |
If he has such a good job, perhaps he could pay for the odd air fare?
--RG
10/29 |
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