REGULARS

Reader Feedback on "Miss Information"

I'm in that same boat as "Dire", absolutely no social skills on an interpersonal level. Makes me wonder if it's not some variant of Asperger's Syndrome where you can't read body language or interact well with others socially. I'm plus size, painfully shy, and all too selfaware of every little self perceived flaw. People who know me probably think I'm a lesbian, a virgin or I'm just a clueless goody-two-shoes...maybe all of that combined! I don't tell them anything. One co-worker was talking about her previous night's conquests: multiple dates and dinnerwhoring and she asked me if I was "asexual" because she never sees me doing anything - perhaps by her standards I am. Online dating opened up a release to me from my stifled life, even if it's just some NSA hookups or one night stands. I was a virgin for an extra long time, and after my frustration ramped up over wanting to meet someone for sex to get it done and over with, one day I did just that. Turns out, there was really nothing to be worried about, my skills at sex aren't bad at all and I'm actually more adventurous than some others might be. I did meet a kind of nice guy early on; but he broke it off with me and he has no idea that he broke my heart, leaving me thinking "that may be the best you get and it's gone." That happened a year ago, and no one has a clue that the whole relationship even happened. Still, while meaningless sex is good, it's not what I really crave. Usually can't make a fuckbuddy into a BF, though a BF may become your best fuckbuddy.
--bah
11/03

oh, btw. The divorced guy who doesn't want kids? I think he would probably be thrilled to have his seed spread further, but doesn't want to be responsible for it. Hence the unprotected sex with a woman who is wildly ambivalent.
--ml
10/24

Hi, MI. I'm fifty and have just about finished enjoying being alone. Divorced these 6 or so years and solidly, genuinely alone for almost four, I'm ready to find someone and I certainly don't mind "fixer uppers", as I don't really believe anyone who says they are all they can be. I am very good with transitional folk, and believe that welcoming others' transitions improves my own. But alas, my friends and family are dumb. I have lost count of how many pieces of dating advice have followed the words "if you would just". Everyone has a different idea of what I should change, add or subtract from what I am. And they are all more-or-less happily coupled. If my f and fs don't believe I am content to be alone until otherwise, still I wish they would shut up; coupled people don't necessarily have the answers for the willingly or unwillingly single.
--ml
10/24

Move to New York, we are all single here - no questions asked!
--IXV
10/16

I'd add this as it can make a world of difference for somebody who is socially awkward or just a bit stunted. This might set off your "Cliche" alarms but stay with me for a second. Find something you're passionate about if you don't have something already. These things give people more than a way to connect with others, they boost your confidence because you have something to pour your time and energy into. Something that you feel matters. Unless that thing is Cosplay or D&D both of which can have an inverse effect when you talk to some people. I don't mean to down either as a pursuit but they do carry a certain stigma. It can't take the place of somebody else, or human interaction but this will give you a base of strength from which to move. That and it will give you something to talk about that's less intimate than how much you need an "overhaul." And so what? You're fucked up. Everybody's fucked up. Better you're up front about it than having that shit show up unannounced like some sort of in-law.
--JP
10/16

Here's what I used to do before I got into my current relationship and I got nagged at family reunions: sulk. Not effective. Here's what I do, nearly five years later, when they pressure me about having babies: a) (with family members I'm comfortable being direct with) tell them to mind their own business and stop nagging; b) (with strangers) tell them I don't want any, thanks. Not true. But it shuts them up.
--GB
10/16

Not Desperate is in a place well beyond logic and reason. I think both LW and BF can't decide and want to just leave it to fate. I don't see it as such a bad thing. They are having unprotected sex -- so they have already decided to roll the dice and let nature decide. BF says he doesn't want to, but doesn't seem to worry about it. LW wants BF to have BF's baby and wants BF to want it also. And maybe it isn't really going to happen anyway. Whew. I have to disagree with Erin on this one. Every time they do it, they are making a decision. Lets just assume that LW gets her wish and BF wants it too. But we know it isn't just going to happen -- or it already would have. Frankly, unless I was in a perfect relationship, fertility treatment would be a relationship killer. BF says he doesn't want another child, but I don't think he is being totally honest with LW but maybe even more with himself. LW wants something that is very unrealistic -- to do the whole family deal with BF 100% on board. If teenagers get knocked up, you can sort of understand goofing up. But adults??? There is a fantasy world where men and women plan out their lives and things work on schedule. Contraception works when they want it to work and the second they want to make a baby, bingo. And it all fits in with career, school, etc.etc. Most people either don't live in this world, or think they live in it until nature and luck get involved. This is a long winded way of saying that LW, age 42, is feeling open to sex, love, and a baby. She is already voting with her heart. It is a long shot, regardless. But I can see *not* talking about it. Having teenage like risky sex. And LW is getting something not that different then her desires. She might have the teenage sex, the knowledge or fantasy that BF wants her to be the mother of his baby, and maybe a baby. This couple is acting at odds to their consciously stated desires -- so I would consider that the actions speak more powerfully then can articulate to one another. They are both ambivalent, to the idea that this can all be worked out via some big discussion or therapy just isn't going to happen. It is a big risk, but I think LW should continue to go with her emotions. Like she won't anyway. I don't think she should feel bad about living a non rational life.
--TW
10/16

At 42, the first lw *really* doesn't have a lot of time left to make her own baby. Even if current bf was gung ho, there is still a big chance it wouldn't happen, and if she leaves him on the hope that she will meet someone else in time to make babies before menopause, she has a very high risk of winding up both single AND childless. To boot, older people unfortunately face a very difficult time when trying to adopt - even well-off married couples. A single 42 year old woman would have an even harder time. The hard truth is that LW may have already missed the kid boat, and it has everything to do with her own life, her own choices, and comparatively little to do with her boyfriend's view on children. Since she says herself that she was always ambivilant about children until this man said he didn't want them, it sounds to me like she is, on some level, looking for a flaw in the relationship, a reason to sabatoge it. I think she would be happiest if she stayed with him, worked on the relationship, and came to terms with being past the age of motherhood.
--TY
10/15

Just because you can't compete with Uber-daters for the Super Models doesn't mean that you can't date. There are plenty of shy and not perfect (from their perspective) folks out there dying to meet somebody. Truth be told, usually the awkward and shy couples who do find each seem happier and less restive than the grass is always greener and I got the skills to hop that fence folks. When your friends ask, ask them what they got for you? If they want you to date, they should help you with a fixup or two.
--gmr
10/15

Nothing in the first writer's letter suggests this, ut having just learned that one of my male was this clueless (horny, in denial, whatever), let me just throw out that the boyfriend may not know she's not using birth control. Obviously they're not using condoms, assumedly after the obligatory initial use, testing, et al. But he may just assume that by 42, a woman has either already learned that she's past the childbearing years (I'm 42 and have been told in fairly definite terms that I'm not going to have a kid without major medical intervention. Yes, miracles happen, but still.) or, he may assume that at her age, she's got it sorted. Pill, Nuva Ring, whatever. Of course once a couple stops using condoms they should have "that conversation" but not everyone does. Men can be sort of clueless sometimes, especially if they just want to believe that the person they're with would do such a thing. Just saying.
--mpb
10/15

Erin, the piece with "Dire Need" was one of your best in a long time. Sincere in both its message and undertone, I was surprised by your honesty. Keep it up! =)
--CSC
10/15

I mostly missed out on the "dating years" and have done very little "dating" but have never had trouble finding long term partners when I was ready. It helps to not meet people with the intent to try to find a mate, but to meet people with the intent to find people you like to hang out with-- eventually you find yourself spending more and more time with someone and it sometimes turns into something more (and sometimes not). You end up with new friends and a little more social experience either way. Go out and do things that involve at least a few other people that share your interests (sports, knitting, bowling, birdwatching, hiking). A common interest helps reduce the awkwardness of interacting with strangers and gives a starting point for conversations about other things. Take Erin's advice about being slightly humorously up front about it in a personal ad- I know people who actually like to date slightly awkward types. And remember that a lot of people who seem casual and comfortable in social situations may be just as nervous as you are but have more practice hiding it.
--bd
10/15

I say I'm too hurt by my ex because I hope it'll get back to him and he'll feel guilty. And yes, I'm aware how awful that sounds. I guess I just want some attention past the obligatory "I'm sorry he turned out to be an asshole". Plus after that latest mind-fuck I can't really see myself dating some one again. If I don't want the pity I say I'm too happy to want to deal with the melodrama that comes along with being with some one else. They're both half truths.
--ECJ
10/15

A lot of us feel like Dire Need from time to time -- too damaged to feel interesting, or even sociable. For most of us, loneliness or horniness eventually forces us to get over it and take risks again. Dire Need is either profoundly depressed or low on testosterone. Either way he needs to talk to someone.
--SM
10/15

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