|
|
 |
Reader Feedback on "Love Rollercoaster"
I can understand the popsicle thing.
It is very difficult for me to keep to a healthy eating plan. I'm very picky. I have no patience for food preparation - though, I have no patience for anything unless I'm doing it in an obsessive way...so when I'm on a healthy eating kick, it's fine, but once that ends, ice cream is my favorite thing. I have intense sugar cravings that are very difficult to fight off and even seem to induce some sort of hypomania.
Apparently this is common in people with bipolar, as well as more general carb cravings - I would take french fries and potato planks over ice cream any day, but ice cream, for obvious reasons, is much easier to get to.
I would certainly have appreciated someone helping me to eat better all the time, since I have so much difficulty concentrating on everyday tasks if I'm not doing it obsessively. It would not be something I resented. Having someone to encourage me to go on everyday runs or walks would be nice too.
But I'm not trying to get into a relationship so I can have a personal trainer/nutritionist/cheerleader. I don't feel that's fair. I don't know at what point I'll stop feeling that it's unfair to pursue a relationship with anyone.
--ASA
11/09 |
Wow, amazing article... I have been off and on with a girl that is bipolar and it has been an extremely painfull rollercoaster as I love this girl with everything I have but I know I have to let her go and after reading This it has given me the confidence to do so.
--
11/06 |
wow. i am so glad you wrote that. i am experiencing signs of mania at 21 and used to be something so different. i am trying to learn everything i can so that one day i too can fall in love and not ruin it. thank you for sharing your story.
--jh
10/10 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have gone through great links to learn to live it.
The following is a true. BUt do not allow stereotypes. My name is Tommy D. Phillipe
and I think a counterpoint should be included. They are the numbered paragraghs.
Love Rollercoaster
Dating with bipolar disorder.
by Justin Clark
January 28, 2008
At the end of my first date with Sara, she moved in with me.
You might think the date was extraordinary. It wasn't. We'd gone to a Hollywood
hamburger stand and gabbed about bands and writers for four hours. Until that night,
we'd only spoken on the phone a few times. It didn't matter. By the time the ice in my
soda had melted, I'd fallen in love.
Sara was twenty-seven, and what people used to call a wag: smart, quick-witted,
encyclopedic. She could recount every failed Everest expedition in mesmerizing detail
— the sort of a talent I would expect of a rock climber, not someone who'd never gone
camping. I kept wondering why no one had snapped her up. Then I found out.
"There's something you should know about me," she said, a couple of hours into the
date. "I hope it doesn't scare you off."
Panicked thoughts raced through my mind. A jealous ex? An STD? I tried to remember if
I'd sipped from her drink.
"I'm bipolar," she said.
"Good," I replied.
This was the odd humor Sara and I had already established, but I wasn't entirely
joking. I'd had several close bipolar friends, and had once been in a long-term
relationship with a bipolar woman, Nyla, whom I still consider the smartest person I'd
ever met. From a distance, I'd seen how much energy it took Nyla to keep her episodes
under control: weekly doctor's visits, blood tests, complicated regimens of
medications.
And yet for all their problems, my bipolar buddies had always kept things interesting.
Take my friend Jerome, hired one summer to drive a van full of rich and annoying
European teenagers across the country. Somewhere in the Midwest, without telling the
kids or his employer or anyone else where he was going, he simply got out at a gas
station and walked away. "I was bored," he told me. Irresponsible, yes, but hilarious.
#1 Irresponsible behavior is a common symptom. Everyone I have met know someone or
knows what bipolar disorder is. RIGHT!
I didn't hear Sara's story until later, but it didn't have many funny parts. Her
condition was rooted in a childhood depression that began when her father died
suddenly of stomach cancer. At eighteen, she enrolled in the Ivy League university
she'd dreamt of attending since childhood, and within a semester, was incapacitated by
depression; she dropped out and returned to L.A. Suicide attempts followed. Then came
her diagnosis, and years of experimenting with different psychiatric drugs until her
doctors found the magic combination. Sidelined for years, she was finally looking
forward again: doing PR for a record label and working part-time toward her bachelor's
degree.
#2 There is no pinpointing the root or cause of anyone's cause or reason for being
bipolar. It can be genetic, brought on by an emotional tramitic event, or just happen.
IT IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE OF NEUROTRANSMITTERS IN THE BRAIN and different in everyone
who has bipolar disorder. There is no blood test to diagnose it.
How could you not admire such a person? When I looked at Sara, I felt inspiration, not
pity. And even though I'm not the type to plunge quickly into relationships, I was
convinced I was in love. I invited her back to my place. Aside from a quick trip to
clean out her studio apartment a few weeks later, she never went home.
"Of the two of us," I told her as we lay happily in bed, "I must be the crazier one."
Nine months later I stood over her pale, unconscious body, frantically dialing 911 for
the first time in my life.
You could compile an entire book of quotes comparing love to madness. But of all the
psychological issues in the DSM-IV, only one really resembles the experience of love.
"An illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure," writes Dr. Kay
Jamison in one of the most famous memoirs of bipolar illness, An Unquiet Mind. It's
easy to confuse love with mania, Jamison says. The trouble is that love is fleeting.
There's no cure for bipolar.
#3 Bipolar is a managable and treatable disorder, like high blood pressure or
diabetes. There is no cure, but it can be considered to be in remission.
The popular caricature of the disease — people swinging rapidly between happiness and
sadness — isn't the whole story. Most of us may have been unhappy enough at one time
or another to recognize a fit of depression, but the other half of the disease (the
mania that leads to everything from religious fervor to shopaholism to insatiable
libido) is much harder to fathom. For instance, hypomania, which is a mild form of
mania characterized by enviable productivity, can lead to what is called a "mixed
state," in which the bipolar individual is both miserable and energetic enough to do
something about it. Before L had found an effective combination of meds, she drove
halfway across the country in a mixed state, buying expensive clothes and jewelry for
herself, with the goal of committing suicide when she reached California. Fortunately,
her mania dissipated before she made it there.
#4 Although many people with bipolar disorder display the same symptoms and signs, I
dislike the word carticature here. EVERY BIPOLAR PERSON IS DIFFERENT, REACTS AND
DISPLAYS THEIR DISORDER DIFFERENTLY although similar no 2 are unlike.
Like such behavior, love is nonsensical. All relationships suffer from irrationality,
which is why they can be particularly susceptible to the ups and downs of bipolar. The
most obvious problem is the wild swings in libido: one week your partner wants sex all
the time — maybe too often — and the next they've got the sexual impulses of a
Buddhist monk. With both Nyla and Sara, I never knew what sort of response my advances
would receive. And after sex, when I thought we'd both enjoyed ourselves, sometimes S
would burst into tears. "What's wrong?" I'd whisper, to which she'd cryptically reply,
"I feel overwhelmed."
#5 This is the actions of an UNMEDICATED PERSON!
Sara's life was a constant battle against entropy. While most of us are bored by too
much routine, Sara was obsessive about hers, and as her boyfriend, I found myself
joining her in it. I, who have never liked TV, started watching hours of it with her
every night. Infatuated with cleaning products, Sara taught me the joys of repetitive
household maintenance. It took her all day to clean the bathroom, and when she was
done, she would begin all over again. "It's better than watching TV, isn't it?" she'd
say, as if these predictable tasks were the only options.
#6 OCD is a totally different disorder.
Our relationship became defined by obsessive routine, something that might normally
have made me feel antsy and restless. But because Sara clung to the structure so
fervently, I followed her lead. I began to drop off the social map. The parameters of
our life together drew further and further inward, until we were living in a tiny,
airtight box created by the quirks of her disorder. I became not only her enabler, but
her progeny as well
#7 There are to many unexplained things here. Does Sara take meds and go to therapy?
Was Sara responsible for here own medicine and taking it properly? Bipolar people are
bipolar and know no other way of living, it is "normal" to them. Consider this, if you
don't know your sick, do not know differnetly..... are you sick? NO, but that is as
bipolar person's preception of "normal"..........UP AND DOWN REPEAT
This probably isn't how most people picture bipolar disorder. Yet despite this, more
people than ever think they know what bipolar is — a mixed blessing for those who
suffer from it. This is partially thanks to the ubiquity of advertisements for
medications like Abilify and Zyprexa, and partially due to diagnoses, which have
doubled over the last decade. A 1997 National Mental Health Association survey found
that more than two-thirds of Americans had limited or no knowledge of the disease;
almost a decade later, eight out of ten Americans think they know what bipolar
disorder is. Everyone from disgraced New York Times reporter Jayson Blair to Debra
LaFave, the high-school teacher convicted of seducing her fourteen-year-old student,
has employed the bipolar defense. And if they don't trumpet it as the explanation for
their misdeeds, media experts are happy to do so on their behalf. Without ever having
met her, Fox News contributor Dr. Keith Ablow all but diagnosed Britney Spears on air
this month. "I would put on the list of possibilities a mood disorder like bipolar,"
he said, further cementing it as the official catch-all for crazy people.
#8 Crazy People? That is a terrible thing to write or say. Welcome to sterotyped world
of bipolar disorder. If I could feel better I would. Make sense?
"There is never a story or scene with healthy, happy bipolars because even though that
type comprises the bulk of the population, it doesn't sell and isn't exciting," says a
bipolar woman who maintains a blog about bipolar disorder called Weird Cake. "Top this
off with sensational misinformation from people like Oprah, and you build a population
that fears us and looks for us in dark corners."
#9 I CONCUR
As a result, half of all American adults say they wouldn't date a bipolar person. Back
when I dated Sara, I wasn't one of them. I'd read in Psychology Today that ninety
percent of marriages involving a bipolar person end in divorce, but I figured that
statistic applied to couples who were ill-informed about the illness, people who
weren't prepared to meet it head-on. I also ascribed the figure to reporting bias:
there were plenty of people out there who were bipolar and lived drama-free lives, and
thus never made it into the statistics. Yet even with everything I knew about the
disorder, I still constantly discovered new challenges, as basic as figuring out who
my partner really was, as mundane as whether I should say something when she started
cleaning the toilet bowl for the third time in a row.
#10 I AM BIPOLAR AND I AM DOOMED BECAUSE OF STEREOTYPES AND IGORNORANT WRITINGS LIKE
THIS!
Even in the most even-keeled people, dating can be a crisis between ideality and
reality. We're constantly told that the key to successful dating is to be yourself.
However, "when you have a psychiatric illness, it's a part of you," says a bipolar
Brit who keeps a pseudonymous blog: Social Anxiety and Bipolar Diary of Annie. "You
cannot tell where your personality ends and the illness begins."
#11 Here is the problem! This person that made this statement obvisiously has no clue
how to deal with her disorder. One has to learn to live with the disorder but not be
defined by it.
Locating this gulf between personality and illness often falls to the significant
other. "I find it difficult to realize when my daydreams cross a line into unhealthy
hypomania," says Annie. "This is where I rely on my friends to put me right and stop
me from getting carried away." The role of caregiver can strain any relationship.
While Sara took her meds and saw her psychiatrist faithfully, she also neglected her
physical health, leaving me with the choice between watching her eat nothing but
popsicles all day long, or nagging her about it.
#12 Geez, Sara was taking her Meds? Bull, she was not or her doctor and her were not
working together! Hypomania is the first stages of mania, which is easily controlled.
Hypermania is the most desired state. It is euphorphic, but it leads to mania. Meds
such as Lithium, Abilify, Depokte........stop hypermania. Bipolar desire this
hypermania state and believe if they discontinue their meds to get there. They will
be able to stop mania by starting thier meds by beginning when hypermania becomes
mania . This is flawed bipolar thinking. One must maintain a level of the drug in
their system at all times to stop it. These drugs are not instant fixes. Therputic
levels must be maintained.
And as anyone would, she resented it when I played nutritionist. I eventually decided
the only way to preserve the relationship was to let her do what she wanted. As her
physical health seemed to deteriorate, I resisted temptations to call her doctor. But
according to David Oliver, I should have. Oliver, who is not a psychiatrist, runs one
of the internet's most popular sites on bipolar disorder, Bipolar Central. He launched
his bipolar consulting business because he was dissatisfied with the professional care
his bipolar mother received.
#13 You are an ass. Bipolar people who are not properly medicated and have no support
system of people around who actually care about them, are master manipulators. Sara
had the ability to make desicions........but not the ability to make the right ones.
"There's a huge flaw in the system," says Oliver. "They give you fifteen minutes at
the doctor, they forget to tell you there are ten to twelve different meds, or to warn
you about the side effects you're experiencing."
#14 A mistakes most doctors make. The proper "cocktail" of drugs to treat each
individual case of bipolar should suited to that individual. It may take a while to
find it and then "tweaking" is required. The problems many impatient patients, doctors
not allowing proper time for the drug to reach proper theruputic levels, stopping a
drug and not allowing the time for it get out of the patients system before starting a
new drug. Patience! See what the effects are of one drug before throwing something
new. Let the effect of the old stop before beginning a new. Let the medicine work.
That lack of professional supervision means people in relationships with bipolar
individuals must step outside the normal boundaries, according to Oliver —
communicating with your boyfriend's doctor behind his back, for instance. Such actions
have saved lives; they've also violated trust, and in the end, I found myself unable
to tell where the line separating those two requirements was. "It has been my
experience that some people [with a bipolar partner] use the disorder as their
immunity card," says Danielle. "Nothing in the relationship is their fault because
they're dating or married to a bipolar person." My relationship with Sara was filled
with gray areas — the popsicle issue, for instance — in which I could never figure out
the right thing to do.
#15 Very gray area but education is key to overcoming this disorder and living with
it.
Which is why some bipolar people prefer to date others with the same disorder.
Thirty-seven-year-old librarian James Leftwich struggled for years with relationships
because of his schizoaffective disorder — essentially bipolar coupled with
schizophrenia's delusions or hallucinations. Tired of being misunderstood by a
population generally unfamiliar with his condition, he created NoLongerLonely.com, one
of the few dating websites for the mentally ill. In four years, he says, the site has
helped produce countless relationships and at least six marriages. But even for
someone with a similar illness, another person's mental health is not an easy thing to
be responsible for, and Leftwich says even he isn't sure he would use his own website
right now. "Personally, I'm in a frame of mind where I'm not sure I want someone with
a mental illness," he says.
#16 This should not be included in this writing. It is prejudial comparing
schizoaffective disorder to bipolar disorder.
On the other hand, an issue like bipolar disorder may encourage a healthy sense of
compassion. When twenty-eight-year-old software engineer Jil told her husband about
her illness on their very first date, she was happy that he seemed a little bewildered
and had lots of questions — it meant he cared. "I also wanted to be a better person
because of him, and when I feel no other reason to swallow those pills that stabilize
my mood, I do it for his sake, not just my own," says Jil.
#17 READ THIS AGAIN! "I also wanted to be a better person because of him, and when I
feel no other reason to swallow those pills that stabilize my mood, I do it for his
sake, not just my own," says Jil This should be consider to be the most important
thing in dating someone with bipolar disorder.
It was a sunny Saturday morning. Just a few minutes earlier I'd been lying on the
couch, reading one of the self-help books Sara had given me to help ease us through
our crumbling relationship. Then, without warning, she stumbled out of the bathroom
and collapsed on the floor. I think I would have lost it had she not regained
consciousness a minute or so later, or if the paramedics had not arrived as quickly as
they did. After I gave them the names of Sara's medications and watched them load her
into the ambulance, I called her mother, a woman I'd only spoken to a few times. She
received the news almost serenely. It wasn't the first time her daughter had been
whisked off to the hospital.
#18 This should have been a warning to you and her DOCTOR, SARA IS NOT ON THE PROPER
MEDS, or she is not taking them. GEEZ
Sara's wasn't an overdose, or a suicide attempt — at least, not an overt one. I'd
known Sara was severely anemic, that her pills had made her stomach bleed. For months
I'd asked her what her doctors were doing about it, and she'd given me cheerful
answers about iron infusions and blood transplants. I no longer believed her, but I
wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I researched her medications and learned all
sorts of frightening things. One of them wasn't even indicated for her disorder; it
was an epilepsy medication that the drug companies encouraged psychiatrists to use
off-label.
#19 OK Sara's word? Sara's disorder is in charge and manipulating this situation.
Bipolar is a disorder. It can kill. They call suicide death by one's own hand. Bipolar
disorder can make one committ suicide and never know they did it. Is that suicide? One
more more thing was Sara taking any narcotics?
But it was difficult for me to voice my reservations about her care. Sara liked
hospitals. She loved Scrubs. She admired doctors, detested any criticism of the
medical system, and talked about her psychiatrist as if he were a best friend. When
she spent a night at a sleep-study clinic (she thought she was narcoleptic), she
talked about it as if it were a slumber party. She kept getting into fender benders
from falling asleep on the freeway, yet still insisted on driving to volunteer at the
hospital that had saved her after her suicide attempt. It was more than simple
gratitude, she admitted; the hospital's rituals made her feel safe and comfortable.
She talked about it the way other people talk about visiting their grandparents.
#20 This is a train wreck. Narcolepsy? Visiting a hospital? This is bipolar
manipulation.
When I told Sara what I'd learned about her medications, she told me she would rather
die than get off of them, and pointed out that she knew the cost of them better than I
did. She couldn't remember words, for instance — she who had wanted to be a writer.
But those pills had given her a reason to live. Did I know better than her doctors
did? No, I supposed I didn't. I knew that for us to have a healthy relationship,
though, I needed to trust her. The trouble was, I no longer did. At that moment, I
decided I couldn't stay with Sara any longer.
#21 Can anyone else see this is not good. Many narcotics availible at hospitals that a
bipolar person may seek to self medicate with cause memory loss.
That day, when I got to the hospital, I found her looking happier than I'd ever seen
her. I was baffled. Five minutes earlier the doctor had informed us that her life was
in danger if she didn't find some way to fix her anemia. But she seemed at peace now.
That was the worst part about it — in her hospital gown, sitting up on her austere
gurney bed, she looked as if she were finally at home.
I have my own theory about relationships with the bipolar: the successful ones are
those in which the relationship simply isn't in competition with the disease. Sara
seemed to regard the illness as a more intimate part of her than I could ever
understand — not just a profoundly affecting experience, the way other serious
diseases are, but almost the entire essence of her existence. In the end, I simply
wanted there to be more.
#22 I am bipolar. I seek to learn to live with my disorder. It has nothing to do with
defining who I am or what I am. This is a tragic story. Reading this makes it sound
like people unfornutate enough to be bipolar should be avoided like lepers when it
comes to dating. This is a true story I am sure. Reading this I do not want to date
one, Thanks for creating a stereotype. Did you ever think that this could be someones
opinion of dating someone who has a chemical imbalance and is properly medicated,
living with it well and doing what they should be doing to keep their disorder in
check?
OK Bipolar disorder is bad. Unchecked it ruins lives. Let me educatate you Mr Clarke
it take a lot of uphill climbling and dedication to even begin to LEARN HOW TO LIVE
AS A BIPOLAR PERSON. Such as:
1. Medication
2. Therapy
3. A Solid Support System
One thing that doesn't help is fools. It does take compassion, understanding and
education. I really know what happened here with Sara and I am not trying to downplay
it. Yes bipolar disorder UNCHECKED ruins many relationships but it doesn't mean it
will happen. Reading this, it makes it sounds like it.
Let's say Sara had diabetes and did nothing to control it. This is the equalivilant of
saying that all bipolar people are going to be like her and by dating someone with
this disorder you will be sorry. THanks.
A guy named Justin wrote this therefore all men named Justin think dating bipolar
people is very bad. HMMMMMMMMMMMM
--TDP
07/05 |
What a great story ! Last year I ended a relationship with the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. Unfortunately her illness prevented me from seeing a future with her and my children. I don't believe I will ever again meet anyone like her and my recent relationship was marred by her memories. There are so many times I want to call her and try again, but as a friend quoted to me: " No matter how many times you try to refridgerate sour milk it still will stay soured" Was my realtionship sour? Never, and I will always remember the good times and have forgotten the endless hours in the emergency room, disturbing phone calls or abusive chatter. I miss her more than anyone can imagine. My friends and family think I'm "nuts' to want to contact her and just see how she is doing. Will I do this? No, but it will be hard to find anyone to replace the beautiful moments we spent together.
Thanks for your article...
--KSK
05/23 |
What a great story ! Last year I ended a relationship with the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. Unfortunately her illness prevented me from seeing a future with her and my children. I don't believe I will ever again meet anyone like her and my recent realationship was marred by her memories. There are so many times I want to call her and try again, but as a friend quated to me: " No matter how mant times you try to refridgerate sour milk it still will stay soured" Was my realtionship sour? Never, and I always remember the good times and have forgotten the endless hours in the emergncy room, disturbing phone calls or abusive chatter. I miss her more than anyone can imagine. My friends and family think I "nuts' to want to contact her and just see how she is doing. Will I do this? No, but it will be hard to find anyone to replace the beautiful mments we spent together.
Thanks for your article...
--KSK
05/23 |
Enjoyed the article - just as others said the style was superb. People who have bipolar illness range from treated + healthy, through treated + symptomatic, to untreated (or off meds). Unfortunately, the media portrays sensational stories of those who are untreated or still highly symptomatic. For many of us with the illness the only significant symptoms are denial of health insurance and the overwhelming stigma. If we don't choose to reveal our condition, most of our friends and even many of our romantic partners never know.
--GJ
05/19 |
My ex-wife is bi-polar, as is the woman I later had a serious relationship with for six years. They are both very interesting, intelligent exciting women, and I loved them . However, the emotional swings can be stressful for you both, as this story relates.
BPs seem to have a problem with dealing with strong emotions, and in my limited experience try to avoid them. Medication does seem to help - I'd probably still be with the ex if she had been diagnosed and treated sooner than after 16 years of marriage.
After 25 years of trying to work within someone else's handicap (on top of my own imperfections), I hope that my next relationship is free of this challenge.
--BC
03/25 |
I can't tell you how happy I am that you wrote this.
Thank you so much.
--AC
02/26 |
"Love Rollercoaster" is exactly what i called my relationship with my boyfriend who i recently left. Hes bipolar, was medicated then unmedicated... medicated then unmedicated, also an alcoholic. You went thru pretty much what i did for a little over a year and it was incredibly hard to watch him in his ups and downs. I was walking on eggshells most of the time. I didn't want to give up but it started getting out of control. I dont think you should be scared of the person you love so i had to go.
--ym
02/09 |
You're one of the worst sorts of people. It must have taken all of your reserves of craft and delusion to portray yourself as the victim here. If only the world had more saints like you: you who are so understanding, patient, and kind enough to have to put up with someone like that, someone as ill as that. Did you really think that if your story was well-researched enough, with enough concessions to personal regret, that you would be able to hide the fact that you were, in the end (and in the beginning), so selfish and self-serving; that any objective viewpoint would see that the blame and failings were yours and wholly yours? Hindsight is no excuse, but you do not use hindsight to excuse yourself or apologize: but to prove some point that is ultimately flawed because the facts are 1. You let her move in with you after a few hours 2. You let her obsessions flourish because it was easier that way 3. You let her alone because confrontation would be a sign of courage and faith on your part 4. You use the term "caregiver" as if you ever properly cared for you.
--fyt
02/05 |
Genuine, well-articulated article, man...but bipolar disorder is only one of a million forms of dysfunction, labelled or otherwise. No matter how carefully we hide or how appropriately we use social convention as a mask, each of us has our own brand of unique fucked-up-ness. Different cultural periods place a different value on each dysfunction; in Victorian England, for example, it would have been considered pathological for a woman to actively pursue certain careers. She would have been medically treated for it, even hospitalized, had she persisted. There are behaviors in our culture that we lump roughly under "normal" that are highly destructive, such as blatant drama-mongering. And yet, behavior associated with BPD does tear people apart; labels can be a handy way of getting a grip on an obvious problem. It's a conundrum, isn't it? I certainly have no answers, and I appreciate the fact that your article attempted to refrain from pat answers too. Nicely done.
--LW
02/04 |
It is very hard to have a relationship with someone who chooses to define themselves by their illness, be it mental or physical. As cold as this may sound, I think my mother's happiest day was the day she was diagnosed with cancer, because she could finally be the victim she was desperate to be. Its not wrong to want a person to be more than the sum of their symptoms.
--Kali
02/04 |
I found it informative and valuable, having been involved with a bipolar for 20 years.
--GR
02/03 |
I think some of my fellow feedbackers didn't really get what you were writing. I also believe that some are writing from a pedestal they built for themselves once they started reading Nerve. Each of them had their interpretation of your article. Some of them were even gracious enough to allow you a point of view. Let them continue to look down, while failing to notice the clouds getting in the way, distorting their view.
I didn't think your article was biased in any way. However, I am a biased reader because I've been married to a bipolar woman for 14 years. My experience is nothing extreme like yours, but we've had our share of ups and downs. Compared to Sara, my wife is mildly bipolar, but challenging nonetheless. There's definitely nothing I would share with the critics of this site, so I commend you on your bravery. None of them connected on what you were feeling in your relationship with Sara. I sure did. I've questioned the relationship several times based on her condition...and just like any other marriage I've questioned our relationship based on my individual happiness, too.
--CEA
02/01 |
i think that there are many, many varieties of bipolar. it can vary from seasonal cycling in moods to having hallucinations, mania, and delusions. i would hope that readers do not take from this story that every woman with bipolar will behave as this ex did. i have bipolar and i certainly do not! i feel like there is so much stigma with the label "bipolar" -- this piece probably adds to it. with every illness, the person who is ill has some degree of personal responsibility and coping skills. i take my medication, keep my dr. appointments, and re-adjust treatment as necessary. in a lot of ways, it is like diabetes. sometimes, i feel it getting out of whack and i take care of it, it is always there, but it is manageable and treatable. don't generalize all people with bipolar by this experience.
--as
01/30 |
Interesting the entire story talked about her disorder. At least she recognized it as such at attempted within the limits of her abilities to do something about it. The burning question that came up for me was "when will the author take a look in the mirror and come to the fact that he is of equal ill health as his lady friend" ?
Yes you are a wonderful writer BUT.... you move in with a person after the first date and then continue for months to fall into her unhealthy world the entire time knowing you were doing so? Cleaning the bathroom with her ? Watching hours of TV? Letting your friends fall away?
I feel sorry for her, I feel pity for you. You sit back and observe and cast aspersions as if your diligent research justifies your ridiculous actions.
But alas I am sure there are medications for you as well. Since you researched the topic so diligently I am sure you came a cross one or two that would be useful for you.
One more observation is that I don't see how this could help anyone except yourself. It came across as you venting, or maybe justify you own enabling of your friends sickness. Possibly a diversion from your own neuro chemical imbalance.
But as I said you are a darn good writer...
--rjs
01/30 |
I want to thank you for this very informative piece on what it is like to be in love with a bi-polar person. My husband of the past 7 years has put up with all kinds of mess. From me spending the last 2 dollars to me organizing the pantry in alphabetical order.
I wish that more people understood that being bi-polar doesn't exactly make a person loony, it's just hard to make sense out of daily life sometimes.
--KN
01/29 |
I am left feeling so bad after reading this. I am bi polar...have been my whole life. I, after many years of different medications and doctors, am stable and happy. I am one of the most well adjusted people amongst my friends. Yes I am in therapy twice a week and yes I take "scary" medications- anti seizure included- but this article makes it sound like all bi polars are a heart beat away from suicide. I haven't thought of suicide in 7 years. I have a great job and a bright future. And I am bi polar. It is a small part of who I am. My personality has nothing to do with my disease. If a man isn't going to date me because of my mental illness- well it's his loss, because i see nothing but a happy healthy marriage in my future.
--cc
01/29 |
At the end of this article, you claim you broke up with Sara because you "wanted there to be more." I have only the flawed perspective of an outsider, but I think that, if you can characterize a person whom you once loved as nothing but an illness, you're the one who's lacking.
--LC
01/29 |
its so hard for me to read a story like that and not get angry. not all bipolar people are the same. i have been medicated for almost 7 years now and have had my ups and downs, but i am nothing like i was before medication. i try to give myself a break. im human. i have good days and i have bad days. but being bipolar doesnt make me damaged goods, but reading stories like this always makes me feel that way.
--nw
01/29 |
First - saying "bipolar" is like saying "cancer". There are many, many different flavors. Some can be treated with medication + therapy and the person will be in "remission" for the rest of their lives. Some are, unfortunately, fatal because treatment (talk and meds) simply isn't sophisticated enough yet.
Lumping all bipolar people together is doing millions of people a disservice. I was diagnosed bipolar and frankly articles like this, run alone, make me angry. If Nerve is going to run a disparaging and hopeless article like this (which is completely valid because it is one person's genuine experience) then an accompanying article, a success story if you will should also be offered. But as the author here suggests - it wouldn't be as sensational - it wouldn't have the "lookie lou" effect of a car accident and likely wouldn't get 1/4 of the reads.
Please, please keep in mind "bipolar" is a catch all phrase, like "cancer" - treatment can be very,very effective depending on the situation.
p.s.In my opinion a responsible person, with any mental illness in a close, loving relationship will respect their partner enough to give written permission for the partner to talk to their doctor(s). Yes, this takes a high level of trust, but if you are close enough it is worth it. It lowers fear/stress a great deal. A good doctor will have no issues telling the partner if whatever they are expressing or asking about is going too far. A loved partner deserved this kind of security - the ability to express concerns to a doctor if they ever feel the need. Or perhaps I am lucky enough to have a respectful doctor and partner.
--WW
01/29 |
Thank you, Justin.
Thank you.
Your story speaks to my predicament, and it's no small thing that you made me tear up at my desk. Thank you for writing this article, and helping to remind me what the perspective of hindsight can look like. I wish you well.
Cheers,
--DL
01/29 |
I've been dating a bipolar man for two and a half years. We're very happy and plan to get married soon. So there are some relationships that work! I couldn't tell you why his illness doesn't affect our relationship much, but I suspect it's because he never had full-blown manic episodes and he never had suicidal tendencies.
--TL
01/29 |
As one who has bipolar disorder, I read this with interest, yet it left me feeling doomed to be alone. Everyone is attracted to me in the beginning; as was written, it's always interesting. Two failed marriages and countless relationships later, I wonder if choosing to stay single would not be a better outcome for all.
--CLS
01/29 |
Justin, I dated a girl with BPD last year, and leaving her was one of the hardest things I've ever done -- it's a really complicated story, and I still haven't been on a date since. Everything just hurts too much. I guess I'm just grateful to know that I'm not alone. Thank you.
--????
01/28 |
Just a thought--the off-label use of certain anticonvulsants for bipolar disorder is not scary. It's saved my life, as well as that of countless others.
Most off-label uses are neither frightening nor lucrative lies created by big pharma. Rather, many of them are happy accidents: heart medicine becomes Viagra, Wellbutrin (as Xyban) helps people quit smoking.
Check out crazymeds.org, a well-researched blog/information source on psychiatric medications.
--NM
01/28 |
I've been on nerve for three years and have never sent feedback.
This story? I had to.
Wonderful stuff, very well written. Thanks very much, Justin.
--sm
01/28 |
send feedback on "Love Rollercoaster"
back to "Love Rollercoaster" |
|
|
