DISPATCHES

Reader Feedback on "Expatriate Games"

What a great article. I was looking for exactly this perspective since I am thinking of starting a relationship with an Egyptian man. He wants to go to the beach and now I know why!
--mm
03/17

Hi, I just came across your article and I really like it. It describes the situation in Egypt very accurately. I am Egyptian guy but a bit on the open minded side and I had an experience like the one you told about having a guy going up to an apartment ( I was the guy ) and also my friend was so worried about it. Good Work
--HP
11/19

I agree with most of your article; however, I am a 32 year old egyptian who has lived abroad most of his life, Ive lived in Europe, Latin America, and Turkey and have visited many countries through out my life, becuase of my parents job. In fact I have only lived in egypt 1/4 of my life. Settling down in Egypt during my college years I had the same perceptions, in fact when girls hit on me in college (as a freshman,) and would take me to a freinds house for making out, I was totally clueless, cause I imagined that all girls thought of marriage and that no way in such a society could a girl make the first move.. During my Junior year however, after understanding the country and having egyptian friends who were brought up here. I realized there is a completely different culture hidden underneath the islamic/veiled society. A culture where girls pick up guys, where guys pick up girls from cars from streets from universities. In fact I have had many one night stands in egypt with out paying a single l.e. There are many, many clubs where open minded egyptians can mingle together. There are many private raves held everywhere. Private parties, and getting to meet people through the internet, ICQ, Yahoo messenger etc. And for those who do not have access to these places or technology, there are prostitutes everywhere, in hotels, in streets in malls. It just takes a while to understand the subtelty of a smile, the subtelty of some one who is intrested in you. Its like learning a whole new type of Cairo/Egypt body language. And it does take some time to understand. Although I have lived in many western countries and have had many girl freinds through out my life. I can say with reasurance, that in Egypt I have had the best sex of my life, in fact since the issue is so secretive and taboo and there is no awarness, it happens with such desire and with such crave, and girls are so willing to understand, explore and do the craziest things. And since not being a virgin is frowned upon and results in marriage complications. A lot of girls succumb to being de-virgned at a young age with their high school or college sweet heart only later to be dumped. So the girls resort to having many sexual experiences before marriage; and then sewing up their hymens before marriage. For a measly 150$. Therefore being a virgin again for her husband (usually family picked) and in most cases lied to. Most guys in egypt in order to have sex resort to going to summer resorts such as North Coast, Sharm el Sheick, or renting houses on the ouskirts of egypt, away from the prying eyes of the bawab and people. I knew a veiled alexandrian girl working in a reputable firm who would come to cairo for confrences and would end up wearing a bikini and swimming in the hotels pool amongst foreigners, getting drunk in night clubs wearing the smallest and tightest of dresses; Meeting and sleeping with many guys, and before getting on the alex train, she would calmly put her veil again and become a different personality, a girl who lives with her parents and abides by all societies rules. Goind back to the bawab issue I also concluded from my own experience, that giving the bawab money and telling him in advance that I will have a freind over works greatly. In fact i went so far as to buy the bawab a mobile, so I call him before hand telling him, that I will have some one over and if there are any neugbors for him to tell me, and for him to leave the area, so none of the neugbors would give him a hard time. All of my neugbors knew I brought women over, sometimes more than one woman over at the same time (in fact threesomes and group sex is widely practiced, especially by young teenagers who pick up a prostitute or horny girl and end up having group sex with her, or taking turns.) But its the timing, I tried to bring them over either early morning, or late night as to not be noticed and too keep a level of decency from the neugbors prying eyes. Sorry for some of the spelling mistakes if you would like to email me, please send to moodychill@gmail.com
--m.m
11/15

Hi, Therese--I'm jealous! You have one of my dream jobs - I've been trying to get back to work in Cairo for the last couple years, after living there for a while in 2001. Unfortunately, the timing hasn't worked out yet. I loved it, and also was fascinated and frustrated by all of the incredibly new gender rules that I tried to be aware of and respect, and, I'm sure, inevitably broke. I was fortunate enough to have contact with many groups and individuals who have the opportunity to begin carving a more liberated place for themselves and others within Cairene society. It was refreshing and inspiring to spend some time with them when I could. They definitely face a lot of social and religious pressure, some deeply entrenched sexual cruelty, and a huge lagtime between the changes they're cultivating and the evolution of a culture that doesn't yet see those changes as an option. If you haven't discovered it, the inner courtyard of the American University is an entirely different world than the traditional one outside its gates (watch for the cats--they'll snag food from your hand!), and the bookstore is incredible (a particular weakness). Professors there would also have the contact info on an incredible group of near-elderly women who, as young friends, banded together and happily raised a lot of womanly hell throughout the years. Their latest project has been founding and administering a school and dorm outside Cairo's city limits for some of its poorest children. One frustrating but currently inevitable thing you've probably found is that it *is* only those who're better off who have the luxury of wider perspectives. But there are culturally acceptable means to let a woman of any social status let loose in frustration, too--think Harry Potter-esque public Howler letters in the middle of a street, with a cringing man getting berated by a very pissed off woman, and a huge, mixed gendered, commiserating audience attending. Read Khul Khal, an incredible compilation of modern women's oral histories--it's a great glimpse into women's stories I didn't have access to otherwise. Intense. I'd love to talk to you and share contacts and stories, and I'm bummed there was no email address on your byline. But hey--if you've got a credit, contact me in the personals; I'm moving__target (that's 2 underscores). I'd love to hear if my favorite Italian place is still up and running, compare notes on the journalism scene and all that good stuff. You on Zamalek? Vicarious Cairene experience! All right. I hope you're doing well, and hope you continue finding interesting people and surreptitous smooches (and more!). Let's hope Egypt's not entirely sexually unfortunate behind closed doors...that's partially what the veils cover, after all... Hope to hear from you, AS
--AS
07/25

Absolutely outstanding article. Very well written. I was in the UAE, in Dubai, for three years. As a single 32-year old male, constantly battling with oversexed female students, and having so little outlet for sexual expression...well, I hear you. You want an interesting experience? Live in a city that has the same set of strict Islamic "rules" that you describe so well, but also is seen, in the Arab world, as the playground for drinking and sex. I nearly got arrested for kissing the woman I was seeing at the time. I got >pulled over<. I have stories.
--DJM
07/15

Brilliant and smashing piece! I have especially appreciates it as I am coming from a Muslim country as well. Although it is not as restrictive as Egypt, there are so many similarities that horrify me. Thank you very much for living through the things so many woman have to deal with constantly!
--NH
07/13

Excellent article -- thoughtful and knowing. I've spent much of my life in Egypt, and while I'm not Egyptian, nor a woman, to me this captures better than anything else I've read the frustrations and tensions regarding sex in Egypt (and, for that matter, romance, Egyptian-outsider relations, etc.) I know this is a pretty niche topic, but I'd love to see further examinations of gay culture, the class divide (the odd not-quite-Egyptian, not-quite-western world of the priveleged rich youth, who attend AUC and hang out at discos and beach resorts), anecdotes from taxi drivers and hotel clerks and tour guides, the story of the Russian bellydancers who flooded the country since the 1990s, sex in advertising, the sordid and sad (and sometimes romantic) stories of the tourists who go to Luxor seeking an Egyptian mate, etc. Lots of territory to be covered, and a huge topic waiting to be explored. In the meantime, this article is a superb glimpse into all these many topics. It's too bad this isn't being written about inside Egypt, by and for Egyptians.
--cjw
07/10

SO will this be a two or three part series? You got me hooked now I want to hear more about the breaking of Hanny how it all works out!
--SH
07/10

I could go on about not mistaking the religion for the behavior of it's followers and vice versa, but that wouldn't really help. I am a progressive Muslim (hell I read Nerve don't I), I have lived in Egypt, and I agree with a lot of what the author said about the structures of social control. Egypt and much of the Arab world have become much more conservative in recent years as a backlash towards what they perceive as the oppression of outsiders (compare to the backlash in the US against the UN of all things and the rise of the Christian right, as embodied by their favorite son, George W. Bush, our President). Having said that they have been more conservative than the West for several centuries now. My disagreements with the author mostly come from the fact that she claims that Islam has many restrictions on the behavior of women and that's not true. Islam guides and restricts the actions of all people regardless of gender. The focus on women is a cultural artefact. Female genital mutilation dates back to the times of the pharaoh's so it's not entirely fair to blame Islam for it. People ought to be stronger, more rational, ought to stand up and say that these things are wrong. But many won't argue with 5000 years of tradition. This is not an excuse, merely an explanation. Finally, the author is correct in saying that the repression leads some to be unsafe or even reckless in their sex lives. But I do think it's unfair to paint the whole country as being stuck in some perpetually adolescent awkwardness. After all people have been known to live happily in the Middle East, they're not all repressed, miserable folks.
--mae
07/10

this article is the most profound explanation of why the terrorist suicide bombers blow themselves up- to get the 40 virgins in their heaven. also, muslim men must be the most psychotic sexually frustrated males in the entire world.
--mb
07/10

wow, this article feels really true for me: californian, female, single, atheist, late twenties. i was in cairo in december, testing the waters. i'd wondered about studying there for a year maybe, or trying to find work and move there to really learn arabic--what all of that might be like. you really hit it on the head with the difficulty of walking down the street; as a woman who takes her ability to do that here utterly for granted, the inappropriateness of a single woman outside walking was really hard for me. of course, the city-wide call to prayer was so bone-rattling gorgeous, some of my other sensual sensibilies were unexpectedly gratified.
--see
07/10

wow, excellent article. always interesting to get a good descriptive view of what life (and sexuality) is like in another country.
--FRD
07/10

I'd be interested on how male-male or female-female couples can possibly meet if male-female couples are so restricted. Sure am glad I'm in the bay area and not Egypt!
--sg
07/10

i remember chatting up some middle eastern girls in the hippodrome in london. they had a male escort in the party that informed me that my behavior offended some of their customs. the guy sort of looked like bin laden if he was clean cut. the english girls were a lot less trouble.
--tca
07/10

I'm beginning to think that what's said about Egypt holds true for practically every country middle-east/south-asia belt. It certainly does in India; only that India is ostensibly democratic and secular and sexual barriers aren't legislated. The amount of orthodoxy varies though. In the metropolises like Mumbai and Delhi people are perhaps more liberal. I don't know. But they certainly aren't in Kerala where I hail from. You simply cannot be seen holding hands in public with a member of the opposite sex (same-sex holding hands is OK, since everyone knows that no-one in India can be gay. Its simply not Indian, right?). You definitely cannot kiss, or must do it at the risk of inviting moralistic wrath and ridicule upon you. Sex with anyone other than your wife is a SIN. And I have never seen my parents kiss or romantically even touch each other. Its as if my fellow countrymen don't realise that such a thing as sex even exists! Love is OK though - as long as sex doesn't come into the picture. I hope the situation will change, and I constantly worry about what will happen to the neat family centric culture in India when that happens.
--Arun
07/10

I loved this article -- I'm going to the American University in Cairo for my study abroad next year...nice to get a peek at what I'm in for.
--CDM
07/10

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