PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Time Alone"

This is a wonderful article. I'm a 28 year-old woman who has been practically addicted to sex since I lost my virginity at the age of fourteen. I've endured sexual trauma a few times, but still kept going. I find in all of my relationships there is always issues regarding sex. Mostly because of my want and need for it "all the time". The hardest part is the fact that I get traumatized when "turned down". I tend to feel like something is wrong with me and I get depressed. I'm in a lesbian relationship now and this is not my first one. She, like others in the past, spoke up about how she feels that I hold too much importance on the subject of sex in this relationship. In the past, I would have just broke up with her and moved on, writing it off as incompatibility. However, I am getting to the age where I am tired of meaningless relationships that end badly because of something as stupid as "sex". She and I are still together and I am making a decision to be celibate. She is very understanding, because she wants me to be happy and feel good about myself without sex being the thing that validates it. She doesn't have a lot of need for sex all the time, so this is the perfect type of relationship I need right now. It's only been one week and I find it hard already, especially now that I am PMS. Thank you for your article.. I am going to print it out and try to find this book. I feel that it will be very empowering. veg_celib@hotmail.com
--EJ
04/23

I am an attractive 28-year-old female and have been celibate for 10 years. I feel that if you don't have a soul connection with someone that sex is very meaningless. It is important to have the same outlook and life goals, in order to make a relationship with a partner work. My co-workers would always talk and wonder why I am not married, because I am attractive, intelligent, loyal, honest, outgoing, ambitious, generous/giving, great cook, stylish and spiritual. All the things a man would ask for in a wife. They would even tell me that if they were not already married they would marry me. What can I say? My standard is very high and it just would not be right to settle for less than the best. I still date and go out with men and we have a lot of fun together without sex. I’m sure that there is someone out there that would be just right for myself, and I will meet him one day. I feel that women that are celibate would be open to having a sexual relationship with a man if there was a genuine interest, physical attraction, same outlook in life and most importantly love. I am open to having a loving sexual relationship with someone and I have been celibate much longer than most people who claim to be celibate. Many people go through life not fulfilling their deepest desires and have a lot of fear, along with many sexual issues that never get resolved in a lifetime. I think it is important for an individual to explore different avenues of ones own being/soul learning about all your likes and dislikes what makes you really passionate. When you know exactly the way in which you want to live your life and what you would want in an ideal partner you start to attract those instances in your life. When these instances come into your life you can decide whether you like and want to accept the reality or no just walk away and make a new one for yourself. The choices that we have are endless. I can understand if you are celibate because you are very passionate about your work or if you have a certain mission in life that you want to achieve. Many people are celibate for this very reason and it can be the best thing for those individuals. miss_nadezdia@hotmail.com
--NAK
04/10

It amazes me how judgmental people become when discussing sex or the lack of in other's lives. The current theories on health and sex based on "science" shouldn't be read as truth. To call anybody sexually dysfunctional is silly, whether they are rampantly promiscuous or chaste. What guidelines are you following exactly? I've been celibate for 9 months, whereas I used to manage never passing 3 months without sex. After 4 months ago I had a intense feeling (while watching Gladiator ... something about strength that inspired me) that I would be celibate for as long as I could until achieving certain goals. Sex for the sake of sex was like an addiction to me, merely the psychological pressure that I NEEDED sex after a certain amount of time ... all exaggerated by a social atmosphere of talking about sex. I do feel much stronger after making the decision. However, I don't think to the author, or to me, the difference between acceptance and decision is very important. Many circumstances led to me becoming celibate, as with many things in life, your own control over a situation, and "fate" or external influences combined to this realization. I guess its more of a realization that so much can be accomplished without having to always look for sexual partners. And the issue of masturbation seems moot, that would also be an individual decision. The statement "she only needs a good man" is a laugh, let's all wait for our knights in shining armour to save us from the dry dreary world of getting shit done. The difference between solitude and loneliness is vast, but its all internal.
--KD
08/08

"let your eye be chaste. your hand faithful, your tongue truthful, and your heart enlightened" Baha 'u' llah I enjoyed this essay. Thank you. signed anthea@xtra.co.nz
--arb
09/03

Great Article... I'm celibate myself... If anyone is interested there is a celibate mailing list - celibate-life@home.com (put subscribe in the heading)
--MR
09/02

My God. Could you possibly publish a more narcissistic peace of dullness?
--pg
09/01

Bravo to Elizabeth for her book "A History of Celibacy" and her article. I've been celibate for just over 10 years now (I joke with my friends that after 10 years I can now be officially recertified a virgin). Don't get me wrong - men are nice. I have plenty of male friends. They're fun to be around. But I have other things to do with my life. I'm working on a patent, fiddling with my (badly written) novel, hanging out on the Internet, changing my Web site, learning to play guitar... you know *more interesting* things. A relationship would just get in the way of actually doing things. Besides which I enjoy the silence of my apartment (which I pay the mortgage on). Excessive chit-chat at night from my companion would probably drive me mad. Interestingly, a male friend of mine recently broke his long drought and this week I noticed he was looking very stressed. I asked him what was wrong and he admitted that although he enjoyed his new found relationship he was finding it difficult to having to interact with his new girlfriend on an almost constant basis. I smiled at him and said, "I know what you used to do. You went home and enjoyed the silence and did stuff." "Oh wow," he said, "You totally get this." Yep. :-)
--FC
08/31

This is discussed further down: CMF writes that his workmates always make jokes on his celebacy. I think this is because celibacy is a typical female thing, and that a man who chooses celebacy is considered to be feminine. Compare to the culture of gay men, which includes a lot of sex, and the quite common type of relationship between two lesbians, when they stop having sex. Myself I'm a 25 yearold gay man who seriously consider celibacy. This is quite tragic since I'm so young, and I sort of envy you divored women who wrote here (including the author herself), because you have had your good time and can relax. For me the most important reason is HIV. It's just not sex anymore when you don't like anal sex and don't want to have oral sex because it's not 100 percent safe. And since good sex is a part of every love story, I just don't get into relationships. It's not natural to be together for the safe period of three months and then getting tested and having sex. Well, this starts to sound like a question in a sex column, but I think I've made my point. rossman@gmx.net
--K R
08/26

When Casey Stengel was the manager of the New York Yankees in the 1950s, a reporter asked him about the sexual practices of his baseball players. He replied: "It's not sex that wears them down; it's the staying up all night looking for it." I think that's a valid point. I have been divorced now for 7 years. Since that time I spent way too much time "thinking" that I need to be in a relationship in order to be fulfilled -- or that I need to have an "encounter" in order to be experiencing life. About a year ago I made a subtle shift that is paying off for me. I really am happier. I simply stopped worrying about dating.If I want to go to a party or a concert, I go alone or with friends. In fact, celibacy has brought me many new friends. In the past year I have developed a newfound love: hiking the appalachian trail in CT and NY. I am writing a book of poetry and have lost 20 pounds. Friends notice this difference in me too. For me, this energy shift allowed me to be more fulfilled and creative. It gave me more time to be engaged in life!Reading about your book here on FEED is a godsend this morning....thanks
--P.A.
08/26

This was a beautiful and thoughtful piece on the possibilities of the quiescent life, on the peace to be found within one's soul and the submission of the body to the mind's will... something which, I think, many women toy with from time to time, the idea that we need not be prisoners of our biology and have the ability to transcend our own meat and all it wants.... I found that the author talked about her own choice and did it without the fervour of the converted and did not at all preach celibacy as the only truth, which is what always happens when someone finds something that works for them -- we humans like to be evangelical. Thought provoking and beautiful... and truly Canadian. I must find this book and read it. Thanks for posting this here...
--TLM
08/25

well for me this was ok. I was not having sex for two years after my divorce and I found myself wanting most of the time. now that I am somewhat active again I want more sex from my partner. and I can't see my sell living for long with out sex if I had a choice, I would want a life with sex. but as others have stated is self love included in this or not. sex I feel is a sharing of one to another. and a giving and recieving. which is all part of life. to feel connected to someone or the world in general. being alone or being lonly. my thing is I want to feel love,phycial and mentally.and I think that take sex to do the job.
--zg2
08/19

Glo, This article might interest you. Rosie
--RJG
08/16

VE: Ghandi, Mother Theresa and Jesus MAY, in fact, have been sexually dysfunctional. So have many other very notable and charitable persons throughout history. In fact, the inability to socially or sexually relate to others could be a strong impetus for one to direct his or her energies and talents towards excelling in various disciplines which results in a better life for others. I do not see the relationship or point which you are trying to make by dragging these historical notables into your castigation of my rationale.
--GM
08/15

GM's judgmental diatribe against the author's reasoned acceptance of celibacy-and it seems, celibacy in general--belies an ignorance of spiritual joy and how one achieves it. (I suppose he'd find Gandhi, Mother Theresa and Jesus sexually dysfunctional as well?). Strange as it may seem, the realization that one's sense of completeness does not come through others (or through sex) is not confined to the world's martyrs. GM should lay off the judgmental jabs and accept the fact that many people willingly lead more monastic-and less self-involved--lives than he would find suitable. Some day he might actually learn something enlightening from one of them.
--VE
08/14

cmf: Your comments are well taken. Though I am considerably older than you, the principles still apply. Locker room syndrome and high school antics never, and I say NEVER, disappear with age. The personal questioning of your sexual conquests by your friends is nothing more than a reflection of their insecurity and a reaffirmation of their manhood when you tell them "no." This has happened to me continuously throughout life, particularly if I were to have a date with a girl with whom no one else has "scored."The Monday morning report is mandatory and the talk ALWAYS comes to the final question of "Did you get in? Continued bombardment of this interrogation will tend to make one question his prowess, particularly if he did "score" on the first date. Whatever you do, do not believe any of the sexual conquest stories told by your friends and absolutely do not use them as reference standards for your manhood. At least 99% of the stories are pure fiction or so exaggerated as to bear no resemblance to the actual facts. Why do I tell you this? Because I got caught up in all this nonsense when I divorced and was at my most vulnerable emotional state. My friends were not well meaning and they were simply insecure and had no idea that what they were doing to me had and still have lasting adverse effects. About six months after my divorce and for fifteen years thereafter, I had 32 relationships, all fully sexual and way beyond your standard missionary position. It was enjoyable at first and made me feel like a "real man", despite the lies and real pain inflicted on my partners. Eventually, I really lost all feelings and could not function, thereby compounding the angst and frustration experienced from the inability to really love and care for someone. I am presently trying to recover from all this and hope I will soon be able to have an honest and sexually enjoyable relationship with that special woman who I know is out there. Best of luck to you!
--GM
08/11

I agree with cmf. I believe he has found a life style that suits him well. He seems content with the decisions he has made. I don't think anyone can criticise the way he feels about sex becuase it seems to work, at least for him. Of course celibacy isn't for everyone. People enter relationships looking for different things (sex, companionship, acceptance...). Celibacy is cmf's way of finding what he is looking for.
--amj
08/10

Not a chance. Humans are sexual creatures. Food, shelter, and sex are the primal needs of people. Maybe celibate for a while, but please don't deny yourself something out of pinciple. Sometimes people survive a long time without the primal urges, and I'm not sure that they are better off for it..........
--AAL
08/09

I am a 31-year old male. I made a conscious choice to have control of my sex life. My co-workers and friends are now getting more and more obsessed with trying to get me "laid." It's distracting and disturbing when, during dead time in a conference call, someone asks if I got laid yet. It's the first thing most of my male friends ask me in just about any conversation. I confidently tell them I haven't and won't unless she's worthy of being the future Mrs. When I make a decision not to accept an offer for sex, it is a very polarizing event. Usually, I am asked, and I kindly decline, then that lady disappears from my life. Most women immediately question why I don't have a girlfriend and question why an attractive person would not want "get as much" sex as they can as a young person. This is the issue: Everyone is so obsessed with getting as much (everything) as they can. I want just enough. When that (everything) is sex, it's like a drug to some. They are in relationship(s) for the sex, and will continue them way past the positive phase into destructive, sex-only encounters. Like a drug, sex can only make you feel good for a short time. Like a drug, sex makes some do crazy, irrespsoble things to get it. And like some drugs, sex can kill you. Slowly. I ain't going out like that, as they say! There have been serious benefits to my celibacy. Most of my friends have children and families, whether they planned them or not (mostly not), and could not take advantage of the huge business opportunities I was able to dive into as a single, focused person. A pay cut for a chance at a million in stock options? Sure! Also, I've seen so many sexually frustated friends spend a great deal of their time and resources try to obtain sex. Clubs, parties, dates are still part of my life, but I can walk away without the "digits" of her phone number after having a conversation at the bar, and I don't feel the pressure to move towards the bedroom after x number of dates. It gets easier with time. The more you wait and look for the qualities that are geniune in your potential mate, the easier it is to spot the enticing and rushed actions that say someone has a simple purpose. The more times you respect your own gut feelings and say "no thanks", the more your confidence grows for the next time. I won't always be celibate, but I will always have enough respect for myself and women to keep the mind and soul the topmost priority, because the body will follow. author - C.M. Fredericks http://www.newauthors.net
--cmf
08/08

Right on this very web sight the quote of the day, I'm not sure whose quote it was said, Celibacy is the most perverse of all sexual perversions." I AGREE.
--BLE
08/08

Hi there
--FM
08/06

Oh come on! Does celibacy also include no masturbation? Or can you occassionly caress yourself avoiding acccidental orgasms? I have a feeling you did'nt include some of your real truths in your book. Backpackbob@yahoo.com
--bpb
08/04

I found the essay interesting. I have been celibate several times in my life, currently for the third time. Obviously, I don't consider celibacy a life decision. I also don't consider an active sex life a life decision. Why must I choose? I simply accept the circumstances as appropriate to me at the time. I do not accept the notion that an active sex life is any more important than an inactive sex life. These are simply beliefs. Sex is a pleasurable enhancement of my life, as is solitude.
--ss
08/04

Nice piece, but she doesn't address a pretty obvious question: Does she masturbate?
--DD
08/04

OVER THE YEARS I HAVE READ SEVERAL ARTICALS ON CELIBACY.I AM 48 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NOT ENGAGED IN INTERCOURSE IN ALMOST FIVE YEARS. NONE OF THE THSES ARTICALS HAVE ADDRESSED THE ISSUE OF MASTURBATION. I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED IF CELIBACY MEANS NO MASTURBATION. CAN SOMEONE ANSWER THIS QUESTION FOR ME?
--DJ
08/02

I am a 22 year old female and very attractive. I have decided to be celibate after I became a single mother. I decided this so I could focas more attention to my daughter. I will in the future change my celibacy again to.... well to have sex. But that is in a few years. I have now been celibate for two years now. Well lets say two years and 5 months. That is exactly how old my daughter is. I enjoyed your article and I also beleive that more people should worry less about sex.
--KG
07/30

contemplating it myself it seems an extremely freeing concept could i really pull it off sex being so important in my past my whole self esteem wrapped up in my sexuality
--rl
07/28

PK's response to my post is symtomatic of those who attack the messenger when the message is painfully honest. The fact remains, the author, like the vast majority of women in our society, has suffered at the hands of immature, callous, selfish and generally difficult men who have made relationships too high a price to pay for the pleasure of sex alone. However, the author simply cannot admit this because to do so would be an admission that she has failed socially as a woman. Instead, she resorts to a twisted poetic rationale that abstinence is in some way a spiritual awakening that has made her a better and stronger person. She supports her position by noting accomplished historical figures who were also celibates. This proves nothing. These figures were not accomplished because they were celibates. In fact, I dare say they were all, at least to some degree, too busy to either concern themselves about sex or had sexual dysfunctions. The author should really face reality and accept the fact that sex and hunger are the two strongest human drives and should be fulfilled in most pleasant ways. The long and the short of it is she, like any other woman, only needs a good man who will not give her pain or boredom.
--GM
07/28

I've always been suspicious of following doctrines, because it means giving up on opportunities for new experiences and foregoing personal choice or personal reasoning. I think committing to lifelong 'voluntary celibacy' has the same pitfalls as when following any other doctrine. Perhaps it is more realistic and more important that women maintain high standards for their sex partners despite the fact that this may mean foregoing sex when those standards cannot be met. We'd have a lot fewer cases of domestic abuse if women simply learned to say "I'm better than this." It's also important that women know how to pleasure themselves in order to fulfill their own sexual needs. I once heard a woman say "the man/partner in my life must be pretty important to make me give up being alone." I think it's a good motto to live by :) Having said that I also recognize that 'vows of celibacy' are a luxury to the majority of women in the world who are still forced into marriages like chattel being sold at auction. I also agree with the author that certain lifestyles or career choices would make celibacy a good option for women.
--rae
07/28

p.s. I find it interesting that overall there is a hostile reaction to this personal essay. It's the reverse of previous eras, when the one slut in school was a threat to all the virgins and they ostracized her and felt she was living a lie. Now all the sluts are criticizing the newly virginal!
--lcc
07/27

Sex IS necessary for a longer, less sickly life. You know all those studies that show people having an orgasm with another human (by yourself doesn't have the same effect) at least three times a week live on average six years longer and suffer 50 percent less heart ailments (or similar figures). Especially men seem to need regular sex...with a regular partner. Having a different gal every night of the week seems not to reduce heart attacks. Plus, when I purposely went without sex for seven months, I got really cranky! It did not bring on any spiritual enlightenment at all. But I really like the idea of it nevertheless. I find sexlessness sexy! I'm going to try to pop into the chat today.
--lcc
07/27

I had the same thoughts as GM. To quote the article, "...that having an active sex life is not integral to being a healthy, sane, well-rounded person." While I agree with that statement, it seems that she's rationalizing a pre-existing condition of her life. She doesn't seem so happy about her decision as she is resigned to it. I also agree with PK's statement about using celibacy as a means to spiritual development, but again, that doesn't seem the case with the author. BTW - PK, do we have to be mean-spirited in here, or can we just state our thoughts and good-heartedly disagree?
--DJB
07/26

I must confess that I find GM's tortured psychoanalysis both laughable and sad. Perhaps his histrionics when confronted with another person's experience with celibacy indicate a pathological use of sex to belie suffocating feelings of inadequacy. At any rate, I found the author's writing cogent. Abstention, whether from sex, food, or other material pleasures, can be a powerful tool for spiritual development, GM's crippling psychological ailments notwithstanding.
--PK
07/26

It appears quite clear to me that the author is adopting a celibate life because she simply has no choice. Her disjointed rationalizations make no common sense. Would any reasonable person believe that if the author enjoyed sex on a regular basis with attractive men and no exhaustive or emotional traumas from the experience that she could continue enjoying sex as a nature pleasure that is no different from any other life experience? The author, I am sure, has had difficulties with immature and selfish men who have left her pained and defensive of future relationships. She is now clearly copping out by stating that all is well if she just simply avoid any sexual activities. I sympathize with her but do not condone her absolute lack of candor.
--GM
07/26

It seems to be me you can still be who Elizabeth has "become" without being celibate.
--JP
07/26

This article was sent to me by my boyfriend, which I find very sweet. You see, I have just started taking Paxil, and I've been feeling good lately, better than the pasts weeks of bi-polar ups and downs and bad, debilitating depression. My sex drive, which has always been very much alive, does seem to have disappeared somewhat. I found the ideas in this article interesting, if not comforting at this moment- where I could potentially consider the disappearance of my libido as a very depressing loss.
--SH
07/26

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