PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Brave New World"

Your story hits so close to home... it's funny, when I was first on my own and dealing with the freedom of being an "adult" male, I always imagined myself in a cute apartment, with a really hot guy, where we would both work, and I would cook... and we'd be sort of involved in the gay community, but not so much that we had to be too wrapped up in the politics of it all... and once and awhile, when we were feeling particularly frisky, we'd being home some really interesting girl, and give her a night she'd never forget. But what happened? Any cute guys would become outright ANGRY if I let them know I was still interested in girls on the side. And trying to introduce yourself as bisexual is a great way to make sure you never have a second conversation with a guy. And the other bi guys I've met don't want emotional relationships with guys... hell, most of them aren't even really interested in being bisexual at all after a few years. For me, it wasn't even a necessity... I am fully capable of being monogamous. But I couldn't stand being in a long term relationship with a gay man who couldn't deal with the fact that bisexuals exist... who was offended by it, as if it was some threat to HIS sexual freedom. I married a woman later in life. We're monogamous... I think about guys still, sure (I'm on this site aren't I?), but I don't honestly feel like any part of my sexuality is being repressed by not sleeping with men... there's lots of people, both men and women, that I crave sexually but it has nothing to do with their gender. And she accepts the fact that I'm bisexual, because she knows she can trust me to be monogamous. And see that? I automatically went defensive. But yeah, that fantasy remained just that... a fantasy.
--DN
05/20

Hi Hungry Man,,,,,,Your article 'Brave New World' was very fun to read. You make good sense about your personal dilemas. What interested me most is that your Dream is mine too: Sleeping in piles. I was married once upon a time. During that time I started having sex with men and recognized that I am Bi, or at least my dick is. Years later, I was walking down Christopher St (New York City) and was about in front of the Stonewall Bar when someone came from Greenwich Village Square and told me there was a riot going on between the police and the queers. I did not attend the riot. However , the riot was the one that freed fags to fight for the right to exist. A year or so later, I decided that what was really happening was......Men's Liberation..... Not just Homo-men but all men----Freedom to climb in bed with whoever they please and munch away. Today I am much older and believe that this is the way I want to live - - sleeping in piles. Your writing style and wit are much to my liking. It turns me ON ! ! ! Look up my profile on bisexual.com....and think about a bisexual community of about 75 folks in the north-central tennessee hills. It might just turn you on! Crazy Owl see: crazyowlsperch.com or crazyowl@nctc.com ...for eMail.
--c o
11/22

I totally agree with you it's just that there's so much steriotype behind being bi. People think it's just a phase or that you are lieing. But you are right, if the world where more open, more of us would not fear our own self.
--GC
12/24

I loved this piece, I couldn't stop laughing when I made it to the part with all the variables. I could relate all to well. For awhile now have I longed for someone that I could not directly link to a bestfriend, or myself for that matter in the course of only a few steps. I think that all types are out there though. I myself think that I break nearly all (or most) of all the damned rules. I'm a bisexual male, and I know that I am a bisexual male. I'd also have to say that I pretty much am split 50/50, I enjoy men as much as women. I may only be 19 but I'm an old soul and I've been told I'm wise beyond my years, I've fooled many a person about my actual age (all thinking me to be older). I've only dated men long term though, and seems to be what you thought was a conundrum. I don't know if that's because I started seriously dating with the male population and people have only percieved me as gay. I've had expiriences with both gender populations and I like both, I don't want to have to choose between either. Many don't believe that I enjoy the company of a female, but that is just not true. Every type is out there, all you have to do is search hard enough... I just hope that made some kind of sense.
--EC
04/16

I love the vivid imagery of your article. It sent me back to high school calculus class and awkward college parties all at the same time. As a female bisexual, I must say sexuality is slippery on any side of the spectrum or gender plate. In college I thought I was gay, but then I liked guys. Then I was sure I was straight, but then I missed girls. Then I found the love of my life...and I still miss girls....and other guys. There's just something about sex that is so invigorating, especially when relationships can be so hard. My dream since I gave in to my natural urges has been to have both a husband and a wife. The likelihood of that one is zilch, but it's still a nice dream. Good luck on your search. I'm of the opinions most bisexuals will remain ambiguously in the sexual shadows until the mainstream title of "confused" changes to "aware". Maybe my unborn children will see that.
--pb
01/24

Absolutely love your essay. I've been emotionally and sexually involved with a woman for the last two years. We are both happily bisexual. We sometimes bring others into our bed, but we also have many, many nights apart where we are OUT and about. The only rule we have is that I don't fool around with another woman unless she is there, and vice-versa with her and men. I've been openly bisexual to my friends since college (I'm 34 now). If you knew how many of my straight male friends show up at my place, and pulls his pants down, wanting to experiment, you'd pass out. There is no rhyme or reason for any of this. The only thing I've learned is that you got do what you want, as long as you are honest with everybody involved. Screw whatever everyone else thinks. I don't think most humans are designed for the stereotypical AMERICAN relationship. I think it comes down to what kind of chemical connection you have with "the" or "a" person that is the determining factor. Not whether they are a man or a woman or bi or straight or whatever. The only thing that supersedes that for me is whether or not they are a Democrat, because I don't do Republicans.
--AB
07/19

hi mike and all - well, i think i am the type of man you are seeking, with experience (and before that desire, of course.) i rate myself pretty darn close to the center of the kinsey scale, prototypical bi. at this point, in terms of sheer numbers, i have had more boy than lady friends, but in terms of length (and probably overall depth) of relationships, women would win out (in terms of desire, probably men...) i have learned, i have re-membered, the deepest connection through making love with men (and one man in particular...), and yet it is not a big fucking deal outside of our sweating and slurping. come together (even fantasizing about certain brothers for me), we can enter the center of the universe; drawing apart we have our separate lives and wives - until next time. now, of course, this is much different than between a man and a woman, especially when you are married and have children and are not 20-somethings... with women (with compliments or opposites or whatever you want to call each other), the relationship is just much more complicated, and often is such a big fucking deal and takes so much hard work for both to get and be on the same page... but certainly worth the effort between the right partners! so, yes, i love men and i love women. men are certainly not relegated to snack food in my life, nor are women. i think it may help if the primary focus is between mature adults (meaning, they know and like who they are) and doesn't involve just sex. even though the sex can be the best part. keep looking - as i am! we are all out here!
--d9
07/19

I use to consider myself a pretty open person. But after reading something like this I realize how much the proliferation of the gay paradigm into mainstream culture has lead to an epidemic amongst single women-that they are single. I have said for years that I think gays are just as closed minded as heteros when it comes to bi-sexuality. It's not bi-sexuality or homosexuality that annoys me, it's that gay culture (and Madonna) has made promiscuity an almost progressive movement. As if monogamy is an antiquated notion because it's hard. The sacredness of marriage, the sacredness of commitment is found not in the fact that it's between a man and a woman but rather that it is monogamous. Gay people don't understand this, (much like black men don't understand parenting), because they have been relegated to the shadows and in the shadows they have learned to devalue themselves and therefore one another. Basically, they have internalized the prejudice of their oppressors--the straight white male hegemony. I wish for once someone young and hip would cry out, it's good to be committed to someone. It's good to have a life partner. It's okay to have sex with the same person get bored and have to work through that. It's that sort of thinking that sets us apart from our pets, ya know. All this sexual freedom and prurience doesn't make us progressive, it makes us lonely. It's makes us products of single homes. It makes us HIV positive. And it makes us callow at 45.
--VC
07/18

As a bi man in a long-term relationship with a bi woman, I have been looking for the gay or bi man who might see me as rather more than just "snack food." From where I sit, that man seems extremely rare, almost to the point of nonexistence. I share the author's frustration with these kinds of things, but I don't see his solution (as I read it) of monogamy on one side of the street and whatever on the other side as being something that works well for me. The emotions, for me, don't change with the introduction or removal of Y chromosomes. Neither is stuffing myself into the "only one or the other" box something that works for me in the long term.
--CKR
07/17

I am not Argentinian.... a lil' Mexican? I want to have your baby- and his... White picket fence?
--MB
07/16

I really enjoyed this article!! It gave a new light on relationships, and it will inspire people to seek out different but meaningful ways to explore your own self as well as broaden the scope for gender monogomy! Keep it up!!
--JC
07/16

I am the man you seek. Ok, maybe not THE man, but the type. I am bisexual and polyamorous. I love women. I have ongoing relationships with many, some sexual. I am very honest with all of them. I want to add a relationship with a man. I don't want promiscuity with men for several reasons. An ideal situation would be to add a bisexual man to the mix who my ladies could share with me as well. The thing that makes all this difficult is, as you say, women are relationship-oriented while men seem more inclined to just play. The women absolutely love the level of honesty I bring, they soak it up. Men freak out. They don't want to know. They just want to get it on, what's with all the talk? I think it is incumbent on we men to raise our consciousness and become willing to be truly honest and learn how to communicate. It pays off, gents, believe me. I am having the time of my life. Which gods did I please?
--SD
07/16

I'm an editor (recently retired) and have edited the work of Virginia Heffernan, your writing partner. The word is Argentine, not Argentinian, noun and adjective. Your idea of opening up bisexuality to new patterns seems sensible, even desirable. Thinking outside the box, so to speak.
--caz
07/16

Very interesting article...so honest. One point I can bet that your straight female friends would be able to accede to me...your description of how you'd perform, eating out a woman is definitely not something limited to guys who are gay. Unfortunately, there are definitely straight guys who think it's "weird" and "unpleasant" and don't really know what they're doing. Oh well. In any case, best of luck on your search!
--LP
07/16

HI..loved your piece (hahahah) I have been gay forever and lived the lie, now I am out and loving it
--ca
07/15

Incredible article. I'm a female and I actually consider myself to be pansexual, but that's swept into the same grandiose pile of bisexualism most of the time. I feel your pain: what is most frustrating for me are those "experimenting" women, who want to have a boyfriend and sleep with random girls on the side. I'm certainly not the one to judge them, but I think I need a label either across my forehead or across my chest stating "TENDER HEART: PROCEED WITH CAUTION." Love happens too quickly and easily in my world. I mostly date either lesbians, bisexual women, or transmen (FTMs) due to some physical preferences, but I've only been "out" at all for a little over a year - I had dated and slept with many straight biological men before opting to "fuck gender." I tend to be emotionally discontent with biological men. I'm sure this feedback has grown far too lengthy, so I bid you adieu.
--VY
07/15

You are obviously not a farmboy. A horse cannot give birth to a gelding. A gelding is a neutered male horse. Maybe the word you were looking for was 'foal', which means baby horse of either gender.
--sh
07/13

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