PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Point of No Return"

I found your article looking for evidence that there was another pro-choicer out there who felt uncomfortable with mid to late term abortions like I do. It's a seriously tricky area, isn't it? On one hand, we feel strongly in the importance of making abortion accessible to all women. Yet on the other it's hard to ignore the realities of the developing fetus that late in the game. I was pretty sure I wanted abortion, no questions asked, until I had my own children. And when a close friend of mine aborted a child who was kicking, healthy and oh so close to that point of viability that roe v wade talks about, it was heartbreaking to watch and no matter how much I wanted to suppress those feelings of disgust, I just couldn't imagine it. It's just so tricky. I do love the comment the women who had a partial birth abortion with a child that was not going to be viable - certainly helps me to understand why these may be important to keep in our society.
--MW
11/15

I understand your point of view and respect your write to have it. I do, however, want to let you know that my husband and I had to go through the painful experience of a "partial birth abortion" and my explanation follows. Happily pregnant, married since 2004, never pregnant before, we were very excited. Went in for 18 week check-up and found out that the baby inside me was completely deformed and had a condition called fetal hydrops. The baby had large fluid-filled cysts all over, due to Turner's syndrome. Not very common, but there was no way this baby was viable and was going to die within weeks of birth, had it been carried to term. Of course we decided to "abort" or have a dilation and curettage performed. I had to wait 3 weeks to have it done (i live in New Mexico, and unfortunately there is a real shortage of health care workers throughout this state, so we had to wait this long for the doctor, 2 and 1/2 hours away in Albuquerque, to be available, really great and caring woman fortunately). What would you have done? The majority of 2nd term, and 3rd term, abortions are, as mine was, done because the fetus isn't viable. The people you describe sound terribly awful, and I don't know what kind of childhoods or psychological disorders they may have, but the vast majority of women do not take these things so lightly. Taking away our rights, as they have done in some states and that a "partial-birth abortion" ban does, affects responsible and heartbroken people like myself and my husband. So just be careful to find out the facts about these procedures and why they are done in the majority, vast majority of cases. Other women in my shoes have lived in states with anti-women laws, and have had to carry to term or until they sponatneous aborted, and I can't imagine the pain they must have suffered.
--rmd
08/17

Abortion just can't help but bring up strong emotions in people. Reading this story just a few days shy of the 3-year anniversary of the date of my first, very painful abortion I was connecting to the feelings of indecision and rage I felt at the time. I'm not a teenager, I'm not living in an area where birth control is limited, nor am I uneducated, but still I got pregnant and was not prepared to have a baby. I'm so grateful to those who have worked to make sure that I have the right to choose that for myself. As a lonely 16 yr. old living away from home, I found myself pregnant with the baby of a man I wasn't sure I wanted to be connected to for the rest of my life, one way or another, but I didn't feel I had any options other than to give birth to my daughter. I'm very glad she's in my life, but I'm sad that she's had the kind of life she has because of her parentage. I've learned since then that I have a mental health condition that makes it likely a bad idea for me to ever have children and I'm sure she'd agree with that. Pro-lifers argue that its wrong to take the life of a child away, but in so many cases, I think the real crime is bringing a child you can't take care of or maybe can't even love into this world. Having seen it go both ways in my own life, I have a good example of what happens. I choose the child, the child lives and suffers. I choose an abortion and no more hurting children are added to the planet; I become older and wiser and protected with an IUD. Yes, the first answer ought to be the healthy choice of when to make love or not, and to be responsible in what you choose. But the world isn't made up of totally healthy people who make love to connect and affirm, and ensure that no children are created until a place is secured for them. A lot of the activity going on is by people who are in need of something, affirmation, simple physical pleasure, punishment, protection...and there may not be the wherewithal to do so with a healthy eye towards the future and what might be created. My choice on this one is to start making a difference with the life I created. I choose to teach my daughter (by example when I can) that she can have people in her life who love and support her and respect her needs. Healthy people make healthy choices much more often than needy ones. That's my contribution! Thanks to those that do battle for our legal rights as women.
--kkm
12/22

I'm a 38 year old woman who had an abortion at 27. I was 6 weeks pregnant and I promised myself I wouldn't go thru that again because it was pretty traumatic. I'm glad I did it though. Having that child (the product of a rape) would have been a way much more traumatic experience than the abortion in itself. I feel extremely thankful that I come from a country were this is legal (Sweden) and were I have the right to decide what happens (and what doesn't) inside my uterus. BUT I THINK a woman who waits 5 MONTHS to end an unwanted pregnancy has a psicological problem or is crearly iresponsible. The same thing goes to the chick who had seven abortions. I'm pro-choice but I don't think I would have put with the crap the author and her mother went thru. Even though she was some friend-of -a- friend. O.k, Mother Theresa I'm not but people should learn to be responsible of their actions. Even weed junkies.
--we
12/08

I believe that there is no person until there is a brain and nervous system that can process stimuli and have consciousness. Until then, an embryo or fetus is a potential human being, but not a human being yet. I have read that until about 23 weeks an EEG of a fetus is flatline - essentially brain dead, no consciousness, no capacity to feel pain; any movements are not responses to stimuli, just spasms - like Terri Schiavo. After that point, yeah, I would have a problem with abortion,23 weeks semms like plenty of time to find out you are pregnant and make a decision and take the necessary steps. Not that I would ban so-called "partial birth abortions"; I have also read that the late term abortion procedure is rare and used in cases where the fetus has been found to have extreme defects which will result in its death and possibly cause danger to the mother to carry it to term. These are babies which were wanted, they are tragedies, already so traumatic to the mothers, who must on top of that deal with being labeled a murderer.
--KH
12/04

Why on earth would you be ashamed to admit that a second-term abortion is wrong? I am pro-choice and when I was 19 I had an abortion. I was only four weeks when I showed up at the clinic and they sent me home and I had to go back two weeks later. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. I have regretted it ever since. I was raised in a Bible-thumping home and all I could think about was the shame it would bring on me and my family. That is the biggest wrong we do to our children. I would never in a million years take away a woman's right to choose. But pro-choicers have also got to admit that often abortion does hurt women and girls. And the best thing to do is fight to keep it legal and also fight to help females of all ages understand its ramifications. We should educate our girls and boys as they grow up and work to implement programs that teach safe sex. But those of us who are pro choice also need to help give women lots of choices, not just two.
--MW
12/03

What an amazing and well-written essay. I almost feel on the verge of tears. I have always been pro-choice and have exercised that choice. I remember after I left the clinic thinking my god how easy was that and how horrible it must have been for women 30 years ago. However I disagree strongly in late term abortion. I applaud you Ada Calhoun for having the courage to write and publish your essay!
--AMK
12/02

Thanks for writing such a right-on essay. I feel as if everyone has to be so all-or-nothing about abortion, when it really is an extremely complex topic that isn't black or white. (sigh) I feel as if moderate voices get silenced in every debate...
--JP
11/28

Why are you ashamed when the whole point of prochoice is for you to have the freedom and choice to make the decision. I have been prochoice since i was very young i think I was 12 or 13 when I wrote a school article on the subject and admitted my feelings towards it...being prochoice. BUT what people don't realise is that I have never had one nor will I ever unless I have been raped and made pregnant OR other medical issues to which unless I'm in the situation can't really know what choice I might make at that moment...remember it's called Pro Choise NOT Pro abortion...the freedom to choose your own destiny!
--PV
11/22

You have articulated to a letter exactly how I feel. Wonderful article. I'm pro-choice, and yet at the same time, I am SO grateful that my several furtive episodes with a pregnancy test in the bathroom -- all which involved this or that useless boyfriend -- did not end up in an unwanted pregnancy... And yes, first trimester does seem so much more acceptable, doesn't it. But allow for any moral questions, and it does feel like you open the door to the anti-abortion wingnut contingent, doesn't it? For me, I suppose it all comes down to viability, personhood, and when that happens. To me, by the beginning of the second trimester, you're reaching that point... I married at 34, had my first baby at 36, and at 40, I had a 2nd pregnancy that ended in a 10-week miscarriage. As odd as it was, I felt very much that I lost a little life in that 10-week old fetus. It was hard enough at 10 weeks. I can't even imagine losing a child, or terminating a pregnancy at 5 months, 20 weeks, well past the point where you can feel the child moving, and getting close to the viability stage... There will always be insensitive people who don't bat an eyelash at something like a 2nd trimester abortion. But those same people probably wouldn't be particularly sensitive parents either. That leaves the rest of us to agonize...
--MS
11/21

The writer sounds very naive. I realize that her experience with the subject is limited (she had never known anyone who had an abortion, and then she based her world-view on one stranger who had one), but she really needs to broaden her perspective when it comes to this huge, complex issue. I was pregnant, and contined to get what I thought was my period every month. I am 5'10" thin, and I realized that at 5 months. My body felt normal, I was at a normal weight for my height. I was also 20 and single. Suggesting that someone should "wait out the 4 months" and give the baby up for adoption?? That is a much more excrutiating decision, one that you would surely regret when you got older. Sounds like the author has lived a rather sheltered life, and needs to have more life experiences before sounding off on such a topic.
--BA
11/20

There's nothing wrong with having conditions on your support of abortion rights. Personally, I recognize that abortion needs to be legal since we can't (or won't) control the circumstances into which a child is born. We can't protect all pregnant women, particularly unwed teens, from disapproval, abuse, poverty, and a host of other social and health problems. But I can't consider abortion simply as a method of birth control an ethical choice. Sex carries an awesome responsibility wtih it, the potential to create new life, and people should live up to that responsibility when they have sex. I think there is an ethical problem when you feel you must sacrifice that new life to live the life you want to live unless there are dire circumstances involved.
--BD
11/18

Like the author, I guess I am a 'Godless Liberal' too. But I really don't feel the need to moralize this issue. Like someone else here said . . . if you don't want an abortion, then don't have one. Whether or not you think it's right or wrong for someone else to do something that ought to be private is your perogative, but their choice is THEIR choice. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with it. And you know what - you don't have to LIVE with it, either. Yeah, abortion sucks. It would suck to get pregnant when you really didn't intend to. But the voice I felt so very lacking in this story was that of Andrea. I am quite sure there are exponentially more women who are relieved they had abortions than those that feel they are 'haunted' by them. But that's life, and people have to live with their decisions.
--RF
11/17

It is illegal to perform third trimester abortions. Very few (I won't say all, because I am sure there are some mistakes which are made due to calendar miscalculations) abortions are performed past 21 weeks. For those who know math, that is a whole 19 weeks before the baby is considered full term. so this idea that pro-choicers want to allow women to abort up until the moment of birth is, well, as clueless and misguided as the notion that there are pro-lifers who would oppose abortion in cases where the mother would die if the pregnancy were to continue. (For what it is worth, I have actually encountered some people on the internet who come dangerously close to advocating this--along the lines of "most mothers I know would give their own lives for their children. what sort of woman would choose her life instead of her child's?") An abortion at 21 weeks is morally distressing enough for most people. No need to lie about the pro-choice movement (as many pro-life websites and organizations do) and push the number of weeks even higher. Oh yeah, I forgot, most people are actually pro-choice in this country (pro-choice with restrictions is still pro-choice. and as has been pointed out many times, the circumstances for which most people are pro-choice are 1) rape 2) incest 3) health of mother 4) me)
--AA
11/16

I've never run into anyone, not on the internet or anywhere else, who would prohibit abortion even if it meant the pregnant woman's death. No one. People like that are a myth. And yet pro-choicers insist that fetuses are not alive until the second they leave the uterus and that to ban third trimester abortion would be akin to legalizing domestic violence. Bullshit, and luckily, the majority of Americans, Canadians and the rest of the world know it.
--afh
11/16

I think this is a really muddied and fuzzy response to what's an important reaction. I recognize that the writer feels this way and has recollections that inform her view, but this stuff needs to be sorted out (not for the rest of us, but for the writer) in a longer piece by the writer.
--
11/16

you are not as pro-choice as you think you are
--se
11/16

This was really smart and thoughtfully written-- a topic I don't think we discuss often enough.
--mm
11/15

Good article, but I hope that this ambivalence towards early- and late-term abortion that is common among pro-choicers sparks something additional to discussion. This is a topic that begs for introspection and, maybe, reevaluation of one's stance on the issue. Perhaps a woman's right to choose may be a given, but with that freedom comes her responsibility to constantly reassess not only her own political and social motivation to opt for an abortion, but - often more importantly - her emotional and moral motivations as well.
--ecp
11/15

I really related to your article. I was always VERY pro-choice until our own baby was stillborn in the sixth month of my pregnancy. I opted for a D&E instead of delivering my baby and still feel guilty about the choice a year later. I am pregnant again (almost done!!!!) and have had about a billion ultrasounds throughout this pregnancy. The baby was definitely "babylike" by about eleven weeks. I am no longer personally comfortable with the idea of abortion past the 2nd or 3rd month of pregnancy except in unusual circumstances. Of course, one thing my loss taught me was how complicated the issue of abortion is. I have met numerous women who discovered around 20 weeks (at their routine ultrasounds) that their babies were "incompatible with life" and had to make decisions to carry the babies to term or abort or induce early. The babies would die no matter what. It is a horrible choice to make and I realized that it is for those women that abortion should not be regulated by the government. A family is in so much pain at that point...it's a choice that needs to be made by a woman/family and her physician.
--RG
11/15

I totally agree, and see 2nd and 3rd trimester (without medical reasons, or other extenuating circumstances) as wrong. But support is support, and unlike some, I will not force my private views upon the masses.
--V
11/15

Don't believe in abortion? Don't have one. But don't turn your "opinion" into the law of the land. Particularly when it is based on an ancient, mistranslated book which "teaches" that women come from ribs, that people live to be 900, and that Jonah lived in a whale. Give me a break.
--JC
11/15

Thank you for your excellent article, you beautifully expressed many of my own conflicted feelings about this. This is one of those issues that you sometimes feel can never be resolved dispassionately - but maybe if more pro-choice folks speak up about their reservations, some kind of balance could be reached. Now, if we could only get the pro-lifers to try to meet us half way... Abortion, like sex in general, can't be legislated for in any real sense -- it's going to happen. I'd say many or most pro-choice folks agree it should always and only be a last resort -- as such we can only try to educate, and try to make it as safe as we can.
--GD
11/15

Wonderful article! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who believes that there should be SOME restrictions on abortion, though it should still be legal, and I defend that opinion shamelessly. It's not a black and white situation that any woman finds herself in when she realizes that she's pregnant, and her options aren't black and white either, and I think you expressed that gray area beautifully.
--AMS
11/15

I'm kind of in your boat on abortion. It makes me deeply uncomfortable (I believe it IS murder) to abort a fetus, even early-ish on, and downright ghoulish later. It also makes me deeply uncomfortable to make it illegal/unavailable/someone other than the theoretical mother's decision. I would be happier if abortions were available but if there were really viable alternatives available as well. Right now, all the advertising equates pregnancy w/ giving up your life. How fair is that? If people don't want girls to have abortions, let them have their babies and a life as well. Let's see some high school and college programs that allow you to have a baby and also have some self-respect and reasonable living circumstances. It seems like the same parties who are so against abortion are also against social programs which might make it easier for young women to give brith rather than abort. Thanks for the article, Zach
--ZZ
11/15

I too was an activist in my virginal teen years. I too managed to NOT GET PREGNANT when I was in college. So I believe a woman could not know she was pregnant. When I finally got pregnant by choice, I knew immediately. I was sick. I was tired. I didn't have periods. I know there is a difference between a wanted and unwanted pregnancy. BUT. Most women feel the baby kicking during the fourth month. Most women are showing by the fifth. It's a lot harder to believe it is a ball of cells at that point. It is a lot harder to accept that the mother's life is more important than the baby's; she has already made it to month five, would it kill her to sacrifice another four and then give the baby up for adoption?
--AA
11/15

a brave, thoughtful, and comforting article. it's nice to know i'm not alone in my feelings about this. thanks!
--mj
11/15

What an excellent article.
--am
11/15

your article voices the opinion of many people, i believe. unless the woman is a girl who's just started having her periods, most women know when they've skipped a period ( or two or more). abortions after the first trimester are just so disturbing because, as you said, there's a heartbeat, movement, expression, etc. i can sympathize that coming to the decision to have the child or not is not an easy one if the pregnancy was unplanned, not in the right circumstances, etc. but allowing abortion to happen at any time during a woman's pregnancy feels immoral. a woman has several months to make the decision, it does not have to be a snap decision, so for a woman to wait until she is showing her pregnancy demonstrates something about her moral character.
--nm
11/15

send feedback on "Point of No Return"

back to "Point of No Return"