PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "French Disconnection"

I was married once, my ex-wife twice and perhaps more. I've been considering moving to France, just to see how the culture works. It does seem to me a bit strange that people lavish such attention and money to the act of marriage. Something it seems less attention is spent on the relationship afterwards. Once I photogaphed a wedding. After the wedding, the bride was downstairs on the party boat, and one of her male friends came up to her and simulated intercourse with her. "No more of this", he exclaimed. I was left wondering exactly how her new marriage with the somewhat whiney groom would end up.
--LV
09/02

I got engaged before leaving with my "fiance" to Paris. Three years later, we're finally both back in NY, settled and still not married. We even got romantically dis-engaged while in Paris! While we are life partners, Paris just made weddings look so frivolous, conservative and totally passe. We are now back in NY and will finally tie the knot next summer. After droves of my american friends wrinkle their forheads while looking own at my ringless finger it feels like the right thing to do! I am happy to do it. Is it NY? Is it us? Who cares I guess... I just can't believe how right on target this story is. I have been trying to explain the Parisian attitude towards marriage to my friend's deaf ears back here in NY and now I can send this story straight to their desktops! thanks.
--VC
06/30

how sad.
--ljb
06/29

There are a lot of things that I'd like to say about the essay, but I'll be concise. I loved it and it made me thoughtful. I am a 21 year old male and for as long as I can remember, up until recently, I have never questioned the necessity or evolution of marriage. To me, as you had said, it seemed to be the natural order of things. You date, you pronounce engagement, and then you make it "official". I had never thought of the involvement of the state, or religion. Just ceremony for the sake of ceremony. An announcement of unification, and a mile stone. I do, however, admire the French method of going about things. There is much to learn from that. Sometimes, it seems, in marriage that there is the pressure to make it work. To strive against becoming a stastic; just another 'failed attempt'. Whereas the French have found a suitable means to relieve that pressure with "love for the sake of love itself." Where each moment is a lasting memory, and all is well. Still like you, I am not French, and have no intention of being. And perhaps with enough positive examples of what marriage can be, a sort of amalgam between American & European thought, the French will come to our weddings.
--NDA
06/10

> Exactly. Nobody has to get excited, but somebody has to do it. And if a little excitement makes it more fun - however uncool - why the hell not?
--
06/08

Europe is dead.
--afd
06/07

I found myself smiling after reading the final sentence of this article. I, myself, am in a committed relationship, and find the statistics in terms of divorce rate and infidelity daunting. I definitely agree that a couple doesn't necessarily need the ring or the ceremony to be faithful and strong. (Assuming the relationship is monogomous) I think often people get caught up in the excitement of planning a wedding, having a wedding, anything to do with the word 'wedding', and assume life will be a fairytale from that day forward. But for me, I think there are more perks than tax benefits and other legal offerings. To look into my partner's eyes and feel what I feel, it gives me hope that maybe someday I can be a representative of the minority that actually makes things work. Sharing nearly 3 years together, things are better each day and I feel a strong urge to prove the cynics wrong. Of course, each person is entitled to his or her preference in terms of marriage and its significance, but isn't there something about taking that final step that inspires that extra amount of comittment and deep connection? I'll be twenty years old this Summer. Though I'm young, I feel a very strong hope for the future of marriage. As divorce rates straggle along, many people approach it with "eh, c'est la vie". But when I think of holding true to such a commitment, I think, "c'est la vie merveilleux." I hope I'm proven right.
--LA
06/06

Oh gee ain't those funny euros quaint! Geee, shucks, it's awful hard to park ma Suburban in Paris, why don't they make the lots bigger! Qu'est qu'ils sont cons, ces 'ricans - ils ne comprenent jamais rien. Actually try looking and listening next time you're in France - most French people are, surprise, surprise married. Gosh. Sample size, 3? Maybe the French friends didn't come to the marriage since you are bourish, unobservant cultural imperialists, non?
--FR
06/04

I have yet to read an article in this "future of marriage" discussion examining the practical reasons why we marry: combined health insurance, generally lower taxes (the "marriage tax" the politicians keep yammering on about doesn't affect nearly as many married couples as one would think,) and next-of-kin status (if something happens to the man with whom I have been living for the past 10 years, I would appreciate the hospital to call and consult me BEFORE his parents.) Before I got engaged, I used to swear I would never get married because I believed that "our relationship didn't need a contract from the state to make it valid." Now I am not so sure. I have seen a lot of married couples succesfully work through problems from which most non-married couples would walk away, simply because the spectre of divorce looms so large. Perhaps I know a stange subset of the population, people for whom marriage actually means something and divorce was never considered an option. The last wedding I attended was in Paris last July. The couple has already split up. What I found so interesting is that in spite of the bride's Parisienne disdain for America's lack of sophistication, she was desperate to get married and had the most romantic, princess-like ideas about what it all would mean. It is good to hear that not all europeans are like her (or are they? Outwardly disdainful of America's naive lack of hipness, but secretly making exceptions for themselves?) Also, you never examined what these couples thought of open relationships-I mean, isn't the true test of marriage fidelity? I know that we Americans think the French are so much more evolved on this front, but I have yet to meet a person (american or otherwise) who actually enjoys having their partner sleep with someone else.
--AA
06/04

The American Wedding on budget for "$25,000" is just one more gimmick advertising has accomplished when suckering the naive American into tradition. Oh, and of course, that ain't all folks. If a married couple wants a divorce, well, for only "$5,000" you too can join the line of singleton. Money talks; we just don't know what language it is speaking.
--psm
06/04

A wonderful article. Very well written. I have thought about the same issues regarding sanctified, legal marriage versus a non-state, non-church approved living arrangement many times. Going through the last stages of a nasty divorce I say to myself I will never get married again. Ever! Then, something happens and I look at the woman I am dating, whom I adore, and I kiss her and touch her and laugh with her and I think and believe she is the one true love of my life. Monogamous forever? Maybe, maybe not. In love with one person forever? Yes! Definitely.
--BW
06/04

"Yes, they were a family. But they were also just two young people in love who happened to shack up and have a child together. Theirs was a kind of unfettered monogamy based on daily choice and reason, not ritual, and that was undeniably sexy." This sounds like Gene Simmons to me. He said something very similar one time on Howard Stern and I thought it was progressive and an intelligent choice
--BOZ
06/03

right on! why americans aren't questioning their own dubious brand of state power, especially at this moment in time, is unbelievable.. if things keep going the way they are headed, the state power will even start mess with their reproductive rights. But maybe not worrying about such issues is a luxury 20 century history has bestowed on the americans? Gawd bless hopefull optimism!
--eva
06/03

"...nor do we have the European-style suspicion of state power, bred of 20th century history." How ridiculous of you to not question American state power! Just for the record, that is why Europeans and Canadians and -- well, pretty much the whole world -- dislike Americans: you've somehow skipped modernist cynicism, despite the fact that, you know, the whole modernist literary movement was inspired by your insipid, violent state, the USA. Do you think all that blood on your hands is innocent decoration? Naivete? C'est oveur!
--ME
06/03

I read this charming essay with a sense of bemusement. I'm gay and live in the U.S. so I'm not going to be "goin' to the chapel" anytime soon. The thought I have is: we Americans are famous for our belief in individuality while at the same time we to a large extent cling to some of the most outmoded values and rituals in our culture. We love external validation while bristling at too much intrusion into our personal lives. We are a young country and culture and we're still working it all out.
--MH
06/03

though i say, "resist the poof!" to those deliberating over whether to poof or not to poof, i agree with Ms. Dominus about the merits of american poofy optimism. there is something to be learned from the cool french attitude towards post-marriage life though -- it's a pity that many americans lose the ability to hang out, relax with people of different ages, single / married / widowed, what have you. marriage should be lifestyle enabling. support from the community is great, but there is a point at which excessive support and enthusiasm reads more like inverted fear. if realism is the price of living with less fear, then i think its worth the exchange, as long as every day is relished. i think you can have all of the above -- polyanna-ish celebration, expensive and joyful expressions of faith in the future, and informed skepticism / reduced fear.
--ydb
06/03

"Theirs was a kind of unfettered monogamy based on daily choice and reason, not ritual, and that was undeniably sexy. " If that doesn't describe your marriage, your doing it wrong.
--MN
06/03

What a refreshing read! I can appreciate the French and Italian skepticism of the institution of marriage but can totally identify with the last few thoughts of the essay. For all the money, the planning and the BS, my wedding day, seeing my wife come down the aisle in her non-poofy white dress and making the most significant commitment of my life before my friends and family, all contributed to the best day of my life to that point. For as smart and evolved as we like to think we are, there's usually (and I do mean usually) a very good reason that certain institutions and rituals are passed down from generation to generation. The problem with trying to convey the importance of these rituals is that until you've moved through one, you can't really appreciate their meaning.
--JT
06/03

I refrained from keeping my hands out of the cookie jar both before and after marriage. It was simply a public declaration of our committment to one another. I think what you said is a gross generalization.
--bb
06/03

How the French do it makes perfect sense to me. I do have to say people understand "monogamy" differently. Some need an institution to keep their hands out of the cookie jar; some are mature enough to either refrain from it or to deal with the consequences. Here's another sign that Americans never grow up and need parental units to tell them what to do.
--CT
06/03

Its just the French, arrogant to the last. They don't like being told what to do. I am surprised by Milan, Italians are still pretty catholic, well they are in Australia and Mama gets upset when little Mario isnt married "you should getta a wife, you know to cook for you" True story
--RDT
06/03

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