PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Bi Anxiety"

Thank you for your wonderful article. I am a straight woman who has been so confused about my bi males intentions with our relationship. We have been best friends for years and within those years I have pulled out of the friendship in fear of falling in love, although I have always been in love with him. I went into a space in my head that saw him as only gay and that is what has kept us apart. After reading your article I feel more open to giving my self a chance with the guy. OK maybe it wont work out but after 8 years of avoiding what is happening to us but a moment of honesty on my part without fear is something that is priceless. Thankyou, may all your dreams come true...
--DB
07/03

This is the single best article I have ever read that sums up my feelings.Being bisexual is not an easy road. I don't know whether to be happy or sad but, Thank you Andy...I appreciate your article very much.
--blr
12/08

Very amazing statements. I think "gay" men in their 30's suddenly realize that the gay world may not alwways deliver on emotional connections or at times even compare to what it means to have sex with a woman. But why shouldn't we all re-explore our sexuality at differing stages of life, when we value connections more and recognize that if gay males are unable to do meet that need, why should we not look for it with straight females? Sex driven by emotional connection is 1000x more enjoyable than sex without it; so if the connection is there, who cares whether it's with a male or female? My only concern is what about gay men who've never dated women and wish to start in their mid-30's? Where is the manual for that? Peace and Right On.
--RFM
10/04

Hi Bi Anxiety....I am a woman who is dating a bisexual man. For the majority of his life he has been with men, up until the last 4 years. I had/have a hard time with it as I plunge myself into bisexaul articles and try to understand him. There is a fear that he secretly wants to be with a man and that I am here for him to appear normal. Yet, I know he loves me. My opinion, I believe the majority of men are bisexual. Some repress and be totally gay or hetero, but it is completely normal to have attraction for both sexes. I know you'll find a man or a woman who will accept you for you.
--
05/31

Loved your essay,you are more alone cause you are very honest with yourself.It seems easier to buddy up tp some group and give yourself a label that covers your truth,rock on...
--p.s.
03/12

thankyou - I didn't know there was anyone else out there who felt like me, then I found your article and all of these responses - and the article is really great too
--ak
02/09

Thank you...I am just going through the hardest time. At age 43 I just couldn't take it any more, the endless denial, and I came out as gay, and that was the end of my fourteen year marriage. I couldn't talk about my attraction to men, and I wasn't getting the pleasures I needed. But then, I couldn't deal with it in my twenties either. So,for five years in my mid-twenties I didn't do any dating, although I am an attractive, well-educated man. I had to be gay didn't I? And then I finally kissed a man, never mind the sleeping with them, and almost to my horror, I realized I didn't experience it as a difference. We are all socialized to know the difference between men and women, but many times I have a hard time seeing the difference. Lately, I'm beginning to think I just don't care. But they do.. As you say, nobody wants to hear it. My gay friends and lovers still think I'm holding on...so now that I'm out I still don't get to talk about it...and the few straight women I know who know don't know how to get beyond it. And I've never cheated on anyone...ever. The hard part for me is that every encounter with an even remotely attractive man or woman is a sort of sexually appraising situation for me--and that has always been the case for as long as I can remember. The biggest personal reward of my outing is that I can at least admit this to myself. I just don't buy the lies anymore; that we're supposed to be this or that because someone long ago said so. I'm halfway through my life and I haven't figured it out, how the hell would they know? Sad now, and hoping someday I meet someone else who feels the same, and wants me whatever I am.
--cdh
12/18

Andy, realize this was posted last summer but i just read and it made my night. truth on crack.
--PF
12/10

Hello, "n-degree". That's how I think you signed your article. I self-identify as bi-sexual, polyamorous, and BDSM- and kink-curious, myself, these days. I haven't made love in a year, as in penis-vagina intercourse. Although I've had many erotic experiences in various dimensions. Self-pleasuring, erotic massages, dreams of making love to rock stars (some of them dead), and hanging out with new friends who have very erotic, spiritually-charged energy, have been my latest erotic experiences. I notice that some people are freaked out by the idea of sexuality being so fluid and changeable. My erotic interest in other women first started manifesting itself in the mid-90s. I was in a recovery program based on the 12 Steps, and going through a significant weight loss. At first, I freaked out. Then, about 3 years ago, I finally heard about ethical polyamory that is spiritually based, and THAT started me on my present sexual journey. Many people have contributed to my current sexual orientations. I don't know why people have problems with bi-sexuals. I do know that everybody needs to embrace their sexuality, whatever it is. I firmly believe that if everybody accepts themselves and loves themselves deeply exactly as they are, whatever their sexual tastes and turn-ons (or lack of; some people are not ever horny for some reason unknown to me), then they won't have a problem loving and accepting you or me, whether we prefer men, women, one lover, many lovers, no lovers, or lovemaking involving whips, ropes, leather, ice cubes, feathers, sex toys, role play, special underwear, or what-have-you. There are probably as many ways to "do it" as there are people on this planet. Or maybe more. I like to think of myself as reinventing human sexuality. Or at the very least, MY sexuality! I think the erotic and sexual deserve a much broader definition than penis-vagina intercourse! Love, Linda
--LMS
07/31

I have read the other feedback, and choked back the tears realising that I am far from alone. There seem to be so many of us (at least here) who see the wonder and enjoyment in both sexes. And I think it then goes a little deeper. The connections we make are with the person. The sex and lovemanking can then just be a case of which organ goes where, and how much lube to use. Thank you for writing this. I hope in time to have more confidence in myself, and my friends to admit to how I feel.
--TR
07/28

i totally understand. i am a lesbian who is seeing a man. all of my friends are lesbians and i usually feel weird bringing my boyfriend around them. glad to hear other people are going through similar problems. i have been bi since i was a child, i have always looked a women and men, so for those to say that bisexcuality doesn't exist is wrong. some people just have more to choose from as those people would think but in fact it limits us cause not everyone wants to be with someone who can teter either way.
--NMD
07/28

that is a fantastic essay and I think a problem for meany people. I mean, sex can and should be amazing. Women are soft and smell good, and there are times that is desirable. It was written in a way that should have made most readers, maybe not Jesse Helms, understand what he was going through.
--ST
07/28

Reading your story, I really felt as if I were reading a page out of my own diary. I'm a male in my mid thirties who finds both genders emotionally and sexually stimulating. I usually identify as gay simply to make it easier for others to understand. Inside I know it not to be true and feel like a big freakin liar. Why is it so many gays and lesbians want so badly for me to only identify myself one way? I'd find it ridiculous for them to think, "oh, there's one more who's left the family. What are we gonna do now?" It's absurd really. What they may not understand is that I find it much harder to live as a bisexual man much more than a gay man. When you're gay it's simpler for people to understand. You're a man who likes dick. But a man who likes dick and a vagina? What gives? All I know is that there will always be certain traits that I find in men and women appealing enough for me to want to be involved with either. I try not to question it too much as I did in my early twenties because it nearly drove me insane. All I know is- It Is What It Is And That's All That It Is. Hopefully i'll find a mate at some point who shares the same point of view.
--MAZ
07/27

Thank God you wrote this! I can totally identify. As a woman who is married to a man - I identify as bisexual...as does my husband. We both, regularly get told by homosexual people that we are not "really" bi or that we are just together for makin' babies but really we are both homosexuals. It makes my blood boil. I would NEVER say to a lesbian or a gay man that they are NOT "really" gay and that they are really, bi or hetero!!! How is it that some of them think it is appropriate to demand that we pick. I have NEVER been into one sex - ever since I was a wee child I have always likes boys AND girls...and, you - it seems - are the same way. To be bi doesn't mean 50/50 boys and girls...it means that we are bi - "BOTH"....or "TWO"....the way we CHOOSE to weight the percentages of penis to vagina are OUR choices. So, good on you! I have chosen to call myself a bike - bi,dyke - I like it. It confuses people even more. You can be a "bag"...boy/fag.... :)
--JF
07/27

HEY, When are you going to do a transgender issue??? I am a leader in the trans-movement and am presently working on a film with my sister who is a major Indie Star and we are planning to go mainstream this Feb. She is willing to risk her own career in Hollywwod to do stand behind me, besides me and all around me. MY family chosen or otherwise know about my own pansexuality. I have learned after falling in love with an amazing woman, trannyboi, man, etc. that it is what stimulates my mind often then stimulates my heart when the others are on my level. I know several writers famous and otherwise who are my peers in this trans-sex=glam-shinylovethang. I could go on and on but I wont. If you want to do a progressive article with my screenwriter and myself with maybe my sister who has been on several magazine covers lately then maybe we need to talk. It's time to liberate all the men who love girls like me but are oppressed!!!!!!!!!! And NERVE can do it. MY screenwriter is actually starting a mens support group for transamourous men like hiself. We are just startign to come out as a team now. And NERVE is a great magazine to start. I am a WASP by conditioning- Or WAST White ANglo Saxon Tranny so I have had my own struggles living as where I am hyper-sexualized daily as a woman and then as a Transwoman when I am dating. 917-603-5361 CHloe
--CD
07/27

Thank you, thank you for focusing on bisexuality. As a bisexual, I often feel confused and stigmatized. I think it's a little easier for bi women because straight men have the same ol' boring fantasy of woman on woman. As a writer of bi erotica I've been alternately welcomed and ignored by the GLBT writing community. I seem to get more acceptance from the straight community than the homosexual one and everything Andy Horwitz has written feels so true to this bi female. Thanks for giving us a voice, Nerve.
--EMS
07/27

Everyone suffers some limitation, and Bisexual people are no exception. The whole maxim that bi people "have more options," is a load of tripe. With good reason, women are afraid of catching some threatening or deadly disease, and men (most gay men) just don't want to hear it. Everyone's afraid you're going to leave them for someone of the opposite sex - a conclusion I find irrational when you consider that your same sex partner is just as likely to cheat or leave you for someone of the SAME sex. I concluded it would be far better, and easier to be a monosexual. But in every monosexual community I feel myself derided and out of place. (Have you ever noticed the hypocritical intolerance in all monosexual communities)? I'm 39 going on 40, and have finally found a bisexual female. We've been together for almost 2 years (she found me on Nerve, BTW).
--jcw
07/27

I loved reading this article. Up until now I considered bisexuality a fluke, always thinking of the joke "Bisexuality is just a layover into Gaytown." But I could tell that the writer was honest about his feelings. I hope he finds someone that will accept his way of life.
--BH
07/27

For some reason, people seem to feel more threatened by bi-sexuality. As my ex-husband put it, if I chose to be with another woman, there was really no way he could compete with that. But if I were to choose another man, that would be incredibly threatening to him - he'd always wonder what he didn't have that the other man had. With most people it may be hard enough for them to deal with - knowing that they might be competing for their mate's attentions (for a long term) with the same gender, let alone with the other gender too. Tends to open up the whole world as competition instead of the common perception of just half the world. Silly, but true. I hope you find a family of friends who accept you as you are - you need validation that your way of life is okay. I don't know you from Adam, but I'm telling you now, your choices are okay with me. I feel exactly the same way and I'm a woman.
--TYL
07/26

wow.. I can't believe this article. You are describing me to a 'T'. I've never felt as alone as I did when I came out 'bi'. So mostly I spend a lot of time alone. Girls are attracted to me, but someone always spills the beans. Guys don't believe it. So basically I'm f**ked, not in a good way either! I hope to have some stability. Maybe find a bi girl? I'm over the Super Gay life B.T.D.T. Hmm.. maybe there's a Bi book club I can join somewhere! HAHA
--PC
07/25

Hey All: I wanted to respond to this article because I could identify so much with the author. I am a 30 year-old bisexual woman who never thought she'd end up married to a man. I identify myself as queer, and understand with regret how the LGT community could see bisexuality as somehow taking away from their social power/agenda. Personally, it is extremely important to me to be someone who helps other people freely express their sexuality- whatever it may be. Bisexuality can be scary to people who need black and white definitions to understand the world. I loved this article and hope NERVE continues to explore all aspects of sex and sexuality. Proud Bisexual
--JT
07/25

Amen. From a former professional dyke (i.e. I worked in the community, lived in the community etc. etc.) who came out as bi when I fell in love with a man, only to be excised from my gay and lesbian community, friendships, work relationships, etc. just the same way my family and friends excommunicated me when I came out as a dyke. It's easier to pick a team than to deal with the ambiguity and hostility out there towards bisexuals. I've fallen in love and been in serious relationships with both men and women, but only monogamously so that makes me, using the J. R. Little types, an alternating bisexual, which is to say theoretically impossible in the moment. Only existing as bisexual in transition. So I'm straight in straight relationships and a lesbian in lesbian relationships? Confusing? Yes it is.
--ER
07/24

Wow. However you "identify" is really not a problem to me at all. Thanks for the courage to speak so openly. That is the trait I seek in the "real" people around me. Drew
--AA
07/23

There is something hollow about your story. Not sure what it is. If you really want to be straight, then be straight. Don't be gay because it is "cool". You seem to not connect with gay men, so fuck it. Be straight and claim that you are. Don't bother with guys again. You don't seem to really be into them.
--MF
07/22

Dude, you said it. And if you do date 50/50, it's like you have to keep coming out. For us ladies the men are, thankfully and embarassingly, so okay with it they're sometimes too enthusiastic. And some straight women look at you as a safe one-timer - score! I think the more uptight, conventional lesbos and straight guys (the ones who are secretly gay) are the hard sell. I'm in a fling phase myself. Was in a relationship for many years with another bi girl and I feel like I'm in whiplash, careening so far back into men my queer identity has fallen out of the truck bed.
--AZ
07/22

Amazingly insightful. What a wonderful writer. More this guy.
--JO
07/22

Actually, EM, most studies of human behaviour show that people who are completely straight or completely gay are the minority. The vast majority of humans have bisexual impulses. So, if "the majority" is your definition of normal, then bis are it. I still think your story about your "friend" is a bullshit scare tactic. Or else that there is far more to that story. If for no other reason your friend's doctor would have, post diagnois, provided her with a wealth of medical education and psychological help that would have made her considerably more informed than you are. Though, if she contracted HIV through some other way, blaming it on a phantom bi boyfriend might seem like a good idea for both you and her.
--BC
07/21

personally, i think it's interesting that a discussion on an article regarding one person's experiences ultimately becomes a discussion of whether those experiences are valid or not. so he's bi, big fucking deal. what's important is what the man has to say about that, how he phrases himself. i'm a bi girl and it's really great to hear an honest voice talking about the other group of so-called fence-sitters. for me, people don't have much problem when i tell them i'm bi but that's usually because they just brush it off as girls gone wild experimentation which is, of course, incredibily annoying. i think it's interesting that the condemnation bi men face is so much more abrupt, but i also think, dear writer, that you need a few more bi friends. you need a crowd like the one i've been fortunate to find, where people don't stress too much over labels and what really matters is how you treat people and whether you're a good kisser. until the world changes to catch up, until people are prepared to crowbar their minds open even slightly, i think that supportive friends who get it are the only ones to see you through. take care.
--m
07/21

For a bunch of tolerant liberals you guys sure are judgmental. My friend DID get HIV from her boyfriend, but if you can't wrap your mind around that then please continue to delude yourself that such things "can't happen." She was with him for two years, and she went on the pill and they stopped using condoms, like many couples do who are monogamous. Only he lied and she paid the price --- yes, she WAS stupid, but only for not listening to her instincts. And for the record, homosexuality is quite abnormal . . . . that word isn't a moral judgement. It means that it is the NORM to be straight (ie the majority of people are) and thus it is outside the norm to be gay.
--EM
07/21

Dan Savage recently covered the anxiety of women to date bisexual men in his Savage Love column. His solution: bisexual men should date bisexual women. Who better to understand a desire to be sexually active with both sexes than another bisexual.
--HF
07/20

EM, you are so wrong. Go back to church, a gay friendly church for that matter, maybe you'll learn how to think a little. Yeah, it's normal for guys to want to sleep with other guys and normal for women to want to sleep with other women. What's abnormal is being proud of being stupid, like you are.
--moi
07/20

I think EM may be the stupidest person I've ever seen post on Nerve. And that story about her friend is an obvious bullshit urban legend. It's up there with the guy who takes the girl home from the bar only to wake up the next morning to find she's written "welcome to the wonderful world of AIDS" on the mirror in lipstick. Even if it is true, your friend did not develop HIV because she had a bisexual boyfriend. She developed HIV because her bisexual boyfriend didn't use rubbers - and she didn't take basic precautions to protect herself.
--BC
07/20

Actually, I have never had the misfortune to personally date a bisexual man, but several of my friends in college have made that mistake. I am neither bitter nor ignorant, but I am cautious --- my friend got HIV from her bisexual boyfriend who was "on the down low" and didn't admit it until she confronted him with test results. She had suspected that he was a bit queer but she didn't want to be "backwards" by making an issue out of it. The reality is that men do cheat whether they are bi or straight, but bottom line is that a bisexual man is at a much higher risk of getting HIV from a random partner than a straight guy is. Not all men are like that, blah blah blah, but at the end of the day it is not normal for men to want to sleep with other men and women know it. They've just had so much gay propaganda shoved down their throats that they think they can't say boy or it will mean they are "bigoted." Better that women should die of AIDS than do something politically incorrect, right?
--EM
07/19

I'm a woman, and when it comes to dating men, I prefer to date out queer men. In my experience, the gender war crap gets in our way a bit less, the sex is much better, and sometimes we can ogle the same people; what's not to like? I'm partnered to a bi man now, and I've never been happier.
--HNN
07/19

I can definitely relate to everything I read. As a bi female, I feel forced to identify as a lesbian just to be taken even slightly serious. I am irritated constantly by straight guys who leer at me when I tell them or gay men and lesbians who roll their eyes and tell me to "make up my mind". I fall into the trap of constantly questioning myself, because it seems as though it would be easier to capitulate to their narrow perceptions than to be the odd ball all the time. Why does it have to be so complicated?!? I'm only 26, afterall...
--lgw
07/19

Thank you for a very revealing and truthful article about your experience as a "bisexual" man. This is the only other article I've agreed with and understood on a males perspective of bisexuality since Neal Medlyn's article posted in Nerve back in May. So many of the latest articles on bisexuality are focused on the new results of the study published in the New York Times back on July 5th that tries to make the point that people are either Straight or Gay. I am a 38 year old male and I have known that I am Bisexual since my early high school days. I identify with Neal Medlyn's assesment of his own sexuality which is 70% into woman and 30% into men. This self realization was at first liberating but has, in time, caused problems with potential mates of either sex. The question always comes up about whether or not I can be (or want to be) monogomaous in a relationship. So far I have been lucky to have had steady girlfriends that have not only been turned on by my attraction to males but permissive in my sexual adventures with them. Luckily I have not fallen in love with any guy while dating a woman so there was never any threat of me leaving over someone else but there has been an occasion where we were involved in a threesome (two guys and a woman) and my girlfriend felt "left out". Looking back on that particular event I can see why she felt that way but she has to understand that it had been quite some time that I had been with another man and I had had some desires I just had to fulfill. The threesome thing was definately a rarity in any of my relationships and I chalk it up to being experimental and curious. My real problem with being Bisexual is that I can't help but feel confused - so confused that I wind up remaining single. I had also wound up addicted to drugs for several years because I couldn't deal with the pain and confusion that came along with being "different". Perhaps I am really Asexual! I wish my sexuality didn't have to be so damn ambiguous and I don't want it to make me wind up all alone. I may have had some interesting sexual adventures when I was younger and most of my friends were still in college but now that I am older I realize that my needs are pretty basic. I have been clean and drug-free for over three years now and I see myself settling down with a woman and building a home to one day raise a child in. I just can't see depriving myself of sexual contact with another male for the rest of my life. Perhaps I will be lucky enough to find a woman that is turned on by my sexual attraction for another guy. Whatever happens down the road I know one thing - I am not Gay. I never did quite fit in with my Gay friends and I never was really into Gay culture. I hate constantly having to defend my sexuality to my Gay friends. I often think that Gay people have it much easier than Bisexuals because they have an organized group to fall back on and be part of. Why does confusion have to be such a huge part of Bisexuality? Does this confusion stem primarily from our socitety or is it something else? Is it possible for a bisexual male to fall in love with a woman and to no longer need another male sexually? I suspect the answers to these questions will always remain ambiguous and what works for one Bisexual may not work for another. I fear that I will be just as confused years from now as I am now. I hope that by reading the rest of the articles in this months Nerve I will be able to come a little closer to comming to some kind of an understanding about myself. Sincerely, Charles Roland
--cs
07/19

I find it odd that EM assumes that all bisexual or gay men are cheaters and have diseases. History shows that plenty of straight guys cheat and/or have diseases. Why single out the gay/bi boys? Sounds to me like EM is just a bitter, ignorant asshole.
--BC
07/19

or perhaps that's what was done to EM ... very strange level of anxiety around the issue. i think its odd that women are so untrusting of bi-sexual men. most all men have a desire to stray, and frankly a 50 year old woman dating a straight guy will have as much trouble competing with 20 year old women as an older woman with a bi guy. at the end of the day the question is how monogamous the individual is. part of this reaction stems from the society-wide disbelief that bi-sexuality exists as a resting place. the assumption is that the poles of sexual preference are constantly exerting a destabilizing force. i guess there is also a sense that whereas a woman has an idea of how to compete with another woman, she has no idea how to compete with a man. i would think that it would almost be more hurtful for a woman to be left for a younger woman than for a man, more of an insult. but i think the author should be patient ... if he finds a strong enough relationship these issues should evaporate, at least for a decade.
--sam
07/19

Great article. For those of us that know what you mean - we know exactly what you mean, stuff the rest of them. Mind you "The hardest part now is coming out as bi..." I don't know - i feel worse admitting i work in I.T. ...
--SJL
07/19

So, is that what YOU did, EM? Otherwise, I'm having a hard time figuring out where your hostility's coming from.
--CH
07/19

As a lesbian with (very very very few) hetero tendencies all I have to say, dear nerve.com, is that I had enough of this bi-men epic and its underlying whining, can we please learn something about women and what makes them not sleep with other women more often? hehe, nevermind, that sounded a bit biased. But I thought this was the bisexuality issue, not bisexual men issue. I mean, can we have something about bi-women too (either bi-bi, or lebians who feel like trying out something with a guy- I have no idea why they'd do that, but hey, maybe they're drunk- or straight-bi or lesbians until graduation or whatever.) Thanks.
--moi
07/19

You're alone because no sane person wants to date a bisexual man who's had sex with what sounds like dozens of gay men . . . . diseases. That is what women think, no matter what bullshit pc things they say otherwise. If you want a normal life with a family, then you should suppress your homosexual urges, marry a nice woman and never, ever tell her about your past (after you get tested for everything in the book, of course). That's your only chance. No one else will have you, and your chances of longterm happiness with a gay male who will be faithful is practically zilch.
--EM
07/19

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