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Reader Feedback on "Goodbye, Metrosexual"
Just finished it finally and wanted to be sure you know what a beautiful, poignant, insightful, heartwrenching (because I see too much of myself in him!) piece I think it is. Best commentary on the state of male-demale relationships I've read in a decade maybe. Peace and love Kevin
--Kev
02/07 |
Very good article. You're a marvelous writer and really know how to turn a good phrase. The phenom you are describing is not new though I'm sure it must feel that way to you. And though I love your Himbo word!!!, there are already words for these sort of guys: SLACKERS; LOSERS; 20-SOMETHINGS, etc. Almost 10 years ago I guess it was Pearl Jam expressed your frustration perfectly with "Can't find a better man."
This article should be required reading for the new wave of neo-feminists who are seeking explanations for the increasing sluttification of American women, their increasing need to engage in for example ritual exhibitionism (display behavior) etc. in order to compete for the dwindling supply of decent men, as you put it so well, real grown-ups as opposed to stuck-at-19-year-olds.
The sad truth as to why we are seeing the Girls-Gone-Wildification of women is that there are simply far fewer good men then there are good women today. Geez if you take these slacker Himbo guys, throw in all the crack-heads, potheads, meth-heads, crank-heads, backwards baseball cap wearing losers, and now Internet-porno addicted men, you realize that the human female population of America has lost perhaps half of the quality men it once had as a percentage of the whole. No wonder women are disgracing themselves in almost every venue of society, thereby raising the bar even further for other women to get a decent man. Kevin
--Kev
02/07 |
This was a really great article. I just wanted to say theres no need to blame the collective female body of the dating pool. The lack of initiative is a direct contrast to the workaholic only because the modern equivilant of chivarly was patroned on the overdue input. After women began accepting "settling" for the long hours - not putting investments into the relationship - men took it upon ourselves to contridict the association. Thereby sidestepping any commitment needed to resolve our generally narcisistic veiw of monogamy. I wish i had more to add, but i never finished reading. During the long read i got up to browse the fridge, took a break to admire the stain i left on my shirt the day before. Afterwards i took sat down on my gf's couch to ponder the dynamic of my internalized emotional and the transferance need to do so within an intimate relationship.. at which point i fell asleep.
--s5s
12/19 |
Dear Jane Ross,
Fantastic article. I actually believe everything you said, and for a minute, wish that I was a "young artist without a job." But, unfortunately, I have a "getting old very fast" job, and I have to support myself. But, thats life. Maybe I can find the female version of the aspiring young artist. If we were in love, I would support her if she wanted to stay home and watch TV. Maybe I can look around New Haven, CT. Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line on the awesome writing. Keep up the great work.
--JJLP
11/02 |
This piece has nothing to do with "metrosexual" as anyone knows it.
It's obvious, you simply date losers.
It is my opinion, you only put the word "Metrosexual" in to garner readership. What a waste of time!
--tt
10/30 |
Actually, I am happy that these little sensitive soy-milk drinking male nitwits are slowly but surely losing ground in the dating scene. For a while I figured I had to join a yoga class, drink herbal tea and develop some sort of artisitic skill in order to get laid. I almost started to work for a non-profit! Slowly things are turning around to the normal equation and these turds are serving me my double latte.
>175K + BMW (>5 series) + Townhome + Investment Income + Flash some green = Pussy
Greetings
-Insensitive (albeit lonely but hey) corporate dick-head
--GH
10/27 |
Funny story,
Hey, did the thought ever occured to you that he might have gotten bored with you?
--jh
10/27 |
Life is about tradeoffs. Suppose a man were to write an essay about the growing numbers of modern women who can't cook, don't listen, and are not continually willing to perform sexual acrobatics of ever-increasing complexity, on demand. (Oh, and who're totally devoted to their man. And stunningly beautiful, intelligent, and interesting. And deferential.) Isn't this repellent? Why is the "Goodbye" essay any different?
Figure out what you want and go for that. If you want power and material goods, DO NOT expect creativity, danger, constant attendance to your needs, or sensitivity (or, in many cases, Jude Law hotness) and live with what you get. Your metro was pulling his weight, just not in ways you could appreciate; learn what you appreciate and have the humility to settle for it. Of course his efforts fell apart; he wasn't feeling that they were appreciated. Of course you like sloe-eyed arty guys. Looking at bar Barbies revs my engine. I'm not dumb enough or morally deficient enough to date one, though, much less have a Relationship with one.
Ladies, if you just wanna get laid, there are plenty of us out there who'd be *thrilled* not to have to deal with Oogly Relationship Stuff, and who'd give you a pulse-pounding affair right out of a French novel. Affairs end, though. There's also a whole bunch of us willing to commit to an honest, forthright, supportive partner who'll do the same, and love us for who we are without trying to change a single thing about us...and who'll still be committed when the rush fades. But you can't have both, 'kay? Men aren't allowed to, and neither are you. Keep your categories straight!
--tw
10/26 |
Oh my God, I dated this guy last year. Well, not THIS guy, but another himbo. Yes, someone who made it and lost it in the dot-com game, who still lives in a huge Billburg loft, though now it includes a few extra roommates to cover the rent. He quit his supposedly six-figure job as a corporate web designer f so he could be an artist/designer/whatever, only to move in with me two weeks later for a month because it was winter and it turned out he owed the gas company a thousand dollars.
I'm the one with the fancy graduate degree and the full-time job. Luckily he's gone. He was too flaky for me, and he said he wanted to have more 'fun.' I guess I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one who went through this.
Guys with big-dick jobs don't sound so bad anymore, eh?
--JF
10/22 |
Ugh...boring diatribe about bad taste in boys. He's no man. Don't you dare call this lazy "himbo" a Metrosexual. I would never support a boyfriend period. Any woman who does is desperate for a boyfriend. You need to look-up the definition of Metrosexual. No self-respecting Metrosexual would rely on a woman to support him and buy his personal-care products. Ambition is at the heart of every Metrosexual I've ever observed to support the lifestyle they love. If they find themselves unemployed they aren't so for very long.
--cmt
10/19 |
Ah, insert sigh here. Why did I read this essay, sadly because the term "Metrosexual" compelled me to investigate. And yet, after reading it, I can almost feel my depression setting in with the realization that I too, am harboring the same type of person. Only where "Jake" was once on top of the world, there are those of us that take our medicine from those who used to be at the bottom of the world. As you so cleverly deduced, there IS something comforting in knowing that in the precious little time we have, that special someone doesn't already have plans, or a late night at work. Maybe one day, all us hunter-gatherers will find a similarly invested person with whom we can share our lack of time.
Thanks for the inner tour.
Nick
--NEH
10/13 |
First, hats off to all previous chatterers who correctly point out that this article is misnamed with the "metrosexual" moniker - because it has nothing whatsoever to do with them, assuming there even is such a thing.
But that's not the real point. The real point is this - for as long as men fail to see that women are looking for exactly the same things, generally speaking, as men, men, can and will be pushed and shoved whichever way women want.
But the modern articulation of feminism, for better or for worse, has brought us to a point where we all realize that men and women are for the most part after the same things. And this revelation spells trouble for women. Why? Because it brings men one step closer to understanding how the female mind works. The problem with this is that men, as we all should know by now, cannot be trusted to do the right thing when push comes to shove.
Consider yourself forewarned!
--UD
10/11 |
Thank you author. And fellow readers, WOW! Half of an ass critical analysis mixed with egocentric ROAR, isn't that fun? I am a 33 year old guy who has never earned more than 16 grand in a year, so I know the piece isn't about me. I am, however, fascinated by the fact that I never acknowledged a power imbalance, or any of the "psycho sexual" b.s. I was suffering and inflicting upon my "overly ambitious" and "materialistic" ex. (I couldn't believe she would deny my magnificent offering of non reciprocal oral glory.) Also, I am grateful to have gained insight to my feelings of emasculation. I am excited to be on this new journey toward emotional responsibility, and feel relieved to know that my ex wasn't just a power hungry and fickle bitch. Thanks again,
--DH
10/09 |
Life sucks. Then you die.
Good article nonetheless.
--EMK
10/07 |
I've been that man, and dated him for too long. Excellent article. Don't give up though. Psychological trauma, whether it be death of a spouse, job loss, or any other serious blows to the ego, can leave deep subconscious wounds. And it is not uncommon that they manifest themselves in "lazy" behavior. I sat on the couch for 3 months, partially emplyed. Then I got off my tush and got down to business. It all depends on your personal threshold. (how long can you wait?.
If you really love a puppy, and he is making you angry, don't be afraid to let him go. As far as I can tell, you can love them to death and they still are hesitant to do anything but watch TV. Figure out what you are willing to put up with - it's all in the art of communication. (ie it's OK for him to stay at your place and watch TV all day, as long as he hides the evidence by the time you get home, and has some sort of dinner ready, or at least doesn't ask, when you walk in the door "what are we having tonight, hon?).
To all of you jerks who said "you had a wife" you can shove it. Maybe you're married to a slug, but the "traditional" role of wife was non-stop service. Unless you think that cleaning and cooking and caretaking is easy. And that shopping for people who expect you to read their mind is fun. There is a reason that "the nanny diaries" and "the devil wears prada" are so widely read. You think an executive is hard to please? Try keeping both a three year-old and a 45 year old happy every single day. This isn't an article about stay-at home lovers, or asymmetric relationships. It's about recognizing the difference between someone who really makes your life better (for example, by not making a huge mess and leaving it for you to clean up when you get home from work) and someone who thinks that "working" on a relationship means that they'll make you feel special as long as there's nothing good on TV. For all you hardworking men in non-traditional jobs - good for you. If you feel underappreciated though, it wouldn't hurt to claim impending deadlines or share your work stress with your loving 9-5er. Am I encouraging you to lie? Yes. In small amounts. For some reason, it always feels OK to have a shitty day at work, and support someone else, as long as it seems like they are really trying to go somewhere/ do something, especially if it is for your "mutual" benefit. There is nothing worse than realizing that not only is your lover not interested in moving forward with their life, but that all of your effort has gone into the black hole of their drinking habit.
If I'm wrong to think it's inappropriate to ask for dinner in exchange for free rent, go ahead and tell me. As far as I'm concerned, it's better than letting the "trade" work its way into the bedroom. Nothing spells worse sex than "obligation."
--CS
10/05 |
Jane -
I read your story because a friend emailed it to me with the subject header "oh my god i've found it". Basically, you precisely articulated all our problems. And by "our" I mean me and my girlfriends and by "problems" I mean all the guys we've dated since school. All of them!!!
Where are the men??
Thank you for the read...
--hs
10/05 |
Hi. I think this is a very good article. Very well observed. The funny thing is, although you are really not describing my situation, it still fits too. I am male, have a well paying job, even paying well enough that I just took a one year leave to go to Europe and study art without having any income during that time. Now I'm back in my, nice, interesting, theoretically fulfilling job. I'm a bit of a workaholic, do train for triathlons and create art on the side whenever there is time left. Not exactly what you describe.
Yet. It fits me too. Somehow, it's like I don't care about relationships any more. Not really. When I have one, I go more though the motions. As you say, it's almost like performing some duty. The fire is gone and has been for years. I supposedly was really great in bed at some time. But that was when I cared about it. I always considered myself extremely sensual and sensitive and I literally could read my lovers mind and knew what to do before she fully grasped what she wanted me to do (several of my past girlfriends have commented on that).
But then I've been stomped on just too often. If you are a really sensitive guy you get easily hurt. Not that these women were mean. I guess they just though they had to play hard because that's - well - the new woman. Or play "unavailable" or whatever. So there was somebody who was exactly what they supposedly want, and with a well paying successful carreer too and then..?
So I started to not care any more. I started to focus on myself. Also in bed, because why should I give a damn if it doesn't get appreciated anyway. I forced myself not to be sensitive and vulnerable. No more Mr. 2+ hour foreplay giving her multiple orgasms before thinking about my own pleasure for the first time. Now I focus on work and on sport and art. I'm hanging out at Nerve.com, sort of looking around. But them I typically don't even bother to write messages to interesting sounding women. Because I just know it's not worth the effort anyway. Lethargy. In a way it's like the later stage in the relationship you are describing. The point where it doesn't really work any more.
I don't know. It may sound like a very different thing, but it sure *feels* the same as the life you are descibing. Now I'm happily living alone in a way too large apartment. I don't have to be nice when I get home, don't have to listen to music I'm not in the mood for, eat whatever I like, read when I like. Heaven. Boring too. But hey, you can't have everything. I still think, it's the women who _are_ losing out in this situation. Because I'm quite content with the situation. I doubt they are.
--AD
10/05 |
You are so RIGHT ON. I've been saying it and saying it and saying it myself. But you've put it in one beautiful assortment of words. Thank you.
Now, what will I do with my Himbo? You know what? He's the one who bookmarked your article for me. What do you suppose that means?
--NPH
10/01 |
Women are truly demented. I feel for you and wish you all the luck in the world in your search for yourself - but with a cock.
--TH
10/01 |
more of question really,
is the photo a picture of a guy named jed lackritz?
josh
jkraszewski@hotmail.com
--jk
10/01 |
I applaud the "goodbye metrosexual" theme, except that
there doesn't seem much vaguely "metrosexual" about the
sloppy losers you choose to date, like Jake. The stereotype
metrosexual is slick, well-groomed, and sensitive to the
subtleties of human relationships, and prefers the giddy
cheese of Ricky Martin to the bad ass rock n roll stylings
of the east village. Sorry sweetie, YOU have chosen to date
classic losers, that's all.
Semantics about "metrosexuals" aside, you might want to come
to grips with the possibility that you're yourself a flop
at relationships. You seem to want to generalize this Jake
loser into the posterboy of the modern big city male, and
couch it in puerile sex-in-the-city type terms. In fact,
it could just be that you're an irrepressible ballbuster
that has a high threshold for loser types precisely because
you can dominate and shame their sorry asses until you get
sick of them. Then, you bitch and whine that you can't
find a serious professional that can dote on you all day
at your whimsy. Bake your own cake if you're going to
devour it all yourself, baby. Employed and rabidly
anti-metrosexual guys like myself are going to stick with
the lasses who, while not tolerating pathetically feckless
attitudes toward work, are nonetheless chill and sweet, not
unrealistic, untreatable pains in our asses.
--AC
09/30 |
So, are Grad students upwardly mobile himbos?
--am
09/30 |
Michael Milken lived in Beverly Hills during the 80s and still does. Duh. Didn't the author read "Den of Thieves"?
If you want some other notorious Gotham money-grubber, why not Ivan Boesky or Marty Siegel?
--EH
09/30 |
Oh, and nicely fleshed out article. These guys and we who feed them really do exist.
--OG
09/30 |
Can't say I'm all that proud, but I've been exactly there and done exactly that! He was lucious, unemployed, and always around. He helped me with my computer and helped move furniture, and threw the ball for my dog. Then even though he still had a hard-on he stopped putting out because he said I felt like his Mom driving him to school. YUCK! when the sex stopped I threw him out and kicked down a door. Having a wife brings out the worst in me!!
--OG
09/30 |
Poor Baby! My semi soft 39 year old yet still single body weeps for you! What didja expect?
--ga
09/29 |
Oh I left out something. Metrosexual might be created for guys that can't tie their shoes and the young hard working to get laid. I'm not sure about this but I have check with Joh Stewart.
--SE
09/29 |
i echo "ocho" in that i'm glad to see an essay call into question a social trend without being bitter. responsibility is key, it seems. the current administration isn't being a good role model with that, however....
--sod
09/29 |
hehehehehe (laughing at rwp's comment)
--SE
09/29 |
clap clap clap! Great article!
But my question is: Why do women love this kind of helpless guys? Is it something of a mother instinct? I have seen thousands of ladies dying to grab guys who can't even tie their own shoes!
And what about the young, hard working man? What is left for him?
--gb
09/29 |
i love it ! my first encounter with a metrosexual tired of being called one ! (see SE below) power to the dandies, i say.
--rwp
09/29 |
i think i am an aspiring Himbo trapped in the body of an overworked overachiever. there are plenty of successful gainfully employed guys in nyc, they are just working while you are picking up pretty boys in neighborhood bars. i could use a Himbo sabbatical -- a year regally reclining on girlfriends couches, reading novels as they trudge home.
very amusing, nicely excuted piece. were you the first to coin Himbo ? that's a keeper. bravo ! more recklessly generalized social trend pieces in first person, seriously, great article.
--ted
09/29 |
Metrosexual never is or was. Men always dress in some fashion. It's a publicity stunt. Wear what ever the hell you want and live. Levis and tee. Simple to the point. Is that Metrosesual? According to the tabloids..."Yes". Why? Because the word itself create drama and that draws audience. If "Metrosexual" earn a few points in the stock market? Great. But as I stated in the first sentence, who cares. Don't let the mass marketing repress...”Oh great, now the words is printed on the dictionary” you said? A word of advice, next time when someone tells you “You are Metrosexual”, don’t say “Go to hell”, be a gentleman, smile and walk away.
--SE
09/29 |
This is brilliant! thanks,
--JM
09/29 |
This is great, all this talk about sex both adequate and inadequate, plus major role reversals, but when is anyone ever gonna start talking about the ultimate nasty four letter word that begins with "L": LOVE? So this guy's going through a rough time and his significant other dumps him. Oooooh, so tuff, bravo! Surely worthy of a repeat performance.
--gb
09/29 |
Thankfully I do not share the majority of these conditions! However I can certainly relate to the lake of sexual drive from being in a long term relationship. I guess it's not only having the strength to pull one's self from the mundane routines of sex but also keeping one's eyes open to the inevitable.
Great reading, thanks.
--:-)
09/29 |
I think I'm one of the boys you're describing here. In my own mind, my status is a result of choosing a creative---or at least not cookie-cutter---field of work. Work comes in contracts and projects, which are always sort of around the corner, maybe. Down time is just part of it.
We contractors and project-workers, I'm told, are a growing breed, so get used to us. We're half a product of the comfort-with-self that the author mentions (willingness to enter riskier fields), and the economy at large.
But back to the relationship part of things, you can't expect anymore that while you're at work your SO is also at work, and then you meet in the evening and chat about the office. From my own experience, some people react to the asymmetric plot better than others. I've had girlfriends who assumed that I was just in boyfriend storage all day, g.friends who were actively interested in what I was up to, and g.friends who made clear efforts to get me to give up my irregular field (economist) for something a little more normal. Our author clearly didn't quite know what to do with somebody who had fallen outside of the structure of normal 9-to-5 society.
On the other hand, I guess we project-working types should be more sensitive to those who offer us affection. As stressful as it is to spend a day with no spark of anything, it's vicariously stressful on those around us, who eventually get to wondering why they're with somebody who can't be consistently productive like they are.
Oops, no conclusion here. Maybe: asymmetric relationships are hard, and are perhaps not for everybody.
--bk
09/29 |
is this written under a psuedonym, and if so why?
--
09/29 |
Great article! Loved it! The writer has a very fresh, edgy style. If you're so inclined, feel free to check out my website, www.breakupchronicles.com. I welcome you to share this or another story with the site! Thanks!
--LS
09/29 |
The contrasts in this article are hysterically funny; I love the fact that it seems as though the shoe is on the other foot, and women are now dealing with the same cultural phenomenon that men had to deal with for millenia.
What is much more interesting is the shift in the yin-yang balance of the sexual politics of male-female relations.
Using this article as an indicator of the directionality of this trend, one might ask, what comes next?
Incidentally, this is not the only article recently that fleshes out this trend; one was in no less a masculine publication than Men's Health...
And yes, I might be one of those slackers, given that I am reading Nerve and Men's Health...but the ladies still love me...and that makes me feel special. Really.
--elJ
09/29 |
how can you call this a phenomenon when it's your only experience with it? you don't quote anyone else for whom the same thing happened, so how can you generalize? your idea seems plausible and works as a personal essay, but to call it something greater requires additional information.
--SS
09/29 |
Great article...I recently went through a similar situation and it was comforting to learn I'm not the only woman who experienced a relationship like this.
--m.l.
09/29 |
So you had a nice, sexy, emotionally open man who relied on you for fiscal support. Gee...you had a wife. A lot of marriages are made like that. In fairness, even a supported/supporter marriage rquires the wife to do more than play mah jong all day (although it's not unheard of), but frankly it seems you could have negotiated that. And the guitar/bar tending/DJ part...lots of wives have little businesses that keep them busy and emotionally fulfilled without actually making much money.
Oh, you don't like that? Can't say I like it much myself. But what do you like better? Man working, woman free to not work? Both man and woman working, no real time to have a life or raise children? One working at real job, one pretending to work? Both working at OK jobs that don't really test them but let them work short hours? In the real world, those are the choices. It would be nice if one person had a rewarding well-paying job while the other had a serious creative job (eg, college professor and published poet), but you don't build a society on that kind of low-probability life.
In short, suck it up and deal with it. Life is a trade-off. You've found one trade-off you don't like. Fine; that's how you learn who you are. Try another. Just don't complain that you can't always get what you want, especially when you don't know what you want.
--ASK
09/29 |
"Generalizations are dangerous, even this one."--Alexandre Dumas.
Stop trying to make a social movement by extrapolating from one specific negative experience. Admit that you want to sleep with a guy that reminds you somewhat of your responsible father in his irresponsible youth and leave the rest of the psycho-babble at home. "I pick losers, therefore my prowess must be emasculating him somehow." What a crock!
--rcs
09/29 |
Without a doubt, this is the most insightful article I've ever read on nerve. Brilliant!
--EJ
09/29 |
I find this facinating, if only to see that I, as a guy who's in his mid 30's, feels somewhat this way. I had damn near everything. A beautiful wife, great career, nice house, two cars and motorcycle, house in the suburbs and a life plan of wedded bliss.
Then my wife developed, and died from, breast, lung, brain, spinal cord and spinal column cancer.
Now I feel just like her guy. Had it, lost it, now what the fuck do I do? Strange feeling indeed
--SW
09/29 |
this article was exceptionally well written, funny, and not too bitter either.
kudos to nerve and the author!
--ocho
09/29 |
this was such a well-written article........bravo!
--nf
09/29 |
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