PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "Just the Three of Us"

P.S. — to our post, below: ..... Our biggest problem (and probably that of all polys everywhere) is the negative 'judgement' — literally screaming anger and hatred — of the self-styled 'moralists' out there. See the 'feedback' a couple of posts below ours. And the fact that they continue to dominate, manipulate and control the 'official' side of the mainstream culture. The self-styled 'moral majority' — who in fact are neither. It's probably similar to the Neanderthals when the Cromagnon appeared on the scene. Or the One Holy Roman Church and the Flat Earthers at the time of Galileo and Copernicus. Or, in America, the self-styled 'Christians' who pursued and organised the 'witch-burnings': The dangerous, violent, destructive streak in 'homo sapiens' — the people who crucified the Christ, and continue to do so. So our one request to everyone out there, our one real need which we cannot deal with *inside* the polyamory families and support networks, is for help to stop those that hound us, persecute us and 'put us down' — by whatever means they can. And they STILL have powerful political, legal, and cultural means of doing that. To face and counter that threat, we ask your help. In the name of the children. ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` NZpolys ~~~ Supporters of the [American] Institute for 21st Century Relationships ~~~ www.lovethatworks.org
--NZP
12/01

Great piece, Naomi, thank you for posting it ! We're a MFM poly-triad family with three children living in new Zealand, and have another MFM triad living in our area who are becoming good friends of ours. We're great Heinlein fans, and are looking to build a larger S-family when and as we come in touch with the person(s) who want to do that with us. We'll look forward to having you visit when you come to New Zealand. All the very best to you. NZpolys@yahoo.com http://polypagan.tripod.com Aluna Aotearoa (poly-clan in-the-making) http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Aluna_Aotearoa/
--NZP
12/01

A beautiful story. I was close to a 3 some with 2 girls that I dated, but each time they were afraid that they were turning gay, and refused to actually do it. They have both since regretted it and fantasize about it all of the time. Lets not forget two guys and a girl for a bisexual 3some. It is less socially acceptable, but it would be incredibly intense. As a guy, I would love to experience this, because I've done it with guys before, but there always seemed to be something missing about doing it with a guy. Like, he wasn't a woman. But, doing it with a guy and a girl would be the best of both worlds.
--etw
11/30

HOW IMMORAL!!! You sluts out to feel ashamed. Back in my day women did not have these desires. Women like you are a bad roll model for todays young girls. Back in my day women concentrated on finding a husband and being a good wife. We need to return to the days where women are shunned if they have sex before marriage. If you ever read the book the scarlet letter then you need to have an "S" put on your chest. National Council of Conservative Morals brucexyz@yahoo.com
--
11/27

PRETTY COOL STORY. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT TYPE OF EXCITMENT IN MY LIFE; BUT ONLY FOR A SHORT WHILE. pasqualed@aol.com
--PD
11/27

Great passion and lots of lust,total feeling of two ladies and a guy is just so deliciouce,the fantasy of two womman kissing and licking one another all over,with tenderness and the beautiful sight of their lovely breasts and nipples touching each other in such a sensitive way,While the fellow breaths gently onto their necks and carresses their naked bodies,while rubbing a special arroma cream onto their gorgeous bossoms,is the true essence of sexuality and respect.Thank you kindly,Have a lovely day.Yours Truly Ian. ianbank@hotmail.com
--IB
11/25

HOW IMMORAL!!! You sluts out to feel ashamed. Back in my day women did not have these desires. Women like you are a bad roll model for todays young girls. Back in my day women concentrated on finding a husband and being a good wife. We need to return to the days where women are shunned if they have sex before marriage. If you ever read the book the scarlet letter then you need to have an "S" put on your chest. council for national decency bxyzmail@yahoo.com
--b
11/23

P.S.: I tried to make paragraphs, but it didn't work--sorry! :)
--rlc
11/22

This article is insightful and inspiring, and brings up many points about "alternative lifestyles" that all lovers of all types should consider at some time in their lives. I would like to start my lengthy feedback by saying that I add myself to the roster of people posting here who had threesome experiences. However, this is not the same as polyamory. The latter has to do more with emotional connections, and while a threesome can lead to emotional responses, there are many people who engage in threesomes and who don't become emotionally involved. I will express myself more on this later, but first I would like to share one experience of mine with all who stop here to read. When I was married, I had a threesome with my wife and a friend from work. My wife, who was a latent lesbian, used the situation, as she so often did with other things, to get what she wanted. Obviously, since I wanted it, too, and so did our friend, we all "got what we wanted," but I went into it with the idea that it would just be something fun to do. I also, in my naive way, hoped that by going into it together and coming out of it together, my wife and I would solidify our otherwise waning marriage (translation: save it). Our friend, as it would turn out, had a history of being a homewrecking lesbian type (no prejudice or stereotype implied here) who took pleasure stealing women away from men who somehow, in her spiteful opinion, did not deserve these women...and then dumping them after the relationship was destroyed. The sex we had together was not nearly as cool as it could have been, despite my personal efforts, mainly because my wife (who was infidelitous anyway, it should be noted) had a big problem seeing me with this other girl. It didn't turn out to be a threesome as anyone would imagine such to be. In short, I was the only one who went in with mostly honest intentions (I did lie to myself, in a certain way, as I described above--but that was my only lie). My ex went on to lie about her extramarital affairs with our friend, while telling our friend, supposedly, that I was fine with such extra things going on without me being present (quite the opposite was true). I could go on, but since there were so many other issues involved here, I will not digress. Suffice it to say that what could IDEALLY have been a constructive activity, at least in the sense of pleasure, turned out to be nothing more than a series of deceptions. Talk about drama! Who am I? I am male, bisexual, and in my late twenties. Most people who are bisexual have at least an open mind when it comes to relationships, both sexually and amorously, and I am no exception; however, I believe monogamy is the best policy, and my definition of cheating, characterized by truthless communication, is very strict. I am, however, not necessarily closed to the possibility of ever doing anything like a threesome again, despite the way things turned out as described above. In fact, if it weren't for my tendency to seek out relationships such as the one I have, I would be quite open to possible fun with more than one. I decided upon rules to follow if I were to ever be in such a situation, and I would not have ever settled for less just for the sake of thrills. Meanwhile, I am currently in a happy and monogamous relationship with a straight female. At this time, I don't want anyone else in our relationship or sex life, and neither does she, because our relationship is too new to risk being ruined by this kind of thing. If she were to ever decide she wanted to do something like a threesome (big IF), I would definitely weigh everyone's motives, even mine, before even thinking it would be a possibility. I firmly believe I could conduct myself honorably in such a situation, because I have in the past; and I have no doubts that my girlfriend would conduct herself in a similar manner (go in together, come out together, still together, little or no issues). This article, however, is about polyamory. The author found herself in what she experienced as a type of "polysexual" relationship (whether this is my own term or one I've read elsewhere escapes me at the moment; as long as the distinction is understood, I'll use that word, but I'm open to any better ones that may apply). I definitely split the hair here because there can be polyamory without sex (rare, admittedly) and polysexuality without love or affection (quite a lot more common than some of us would like to admit). Consider also the other aspects of the relationship. Sam may or may not have felt the same way as the author or Melissa--that was never really elaborated on, and no assumptions are made by me--but Melissa wanted, at least in the moments of their threesomes, something more than casual. None of this was made clear until our author, suddenly finding herself in a freer mindframe about love and sex, even with members of her own gender, managed to upset Melissa with her casual affair with her ex-boyfriend, an act obviously meant as a test for her own limits. In short, as many others have stated here, the problem was a lack of communication. In conclusion, I say that if all parties can be honest with themselves and the others involved; initiate or maintain open, truthful lines of communication; and, best of all, have fun and think positively; then by all means, they should at least give polyamory or "polysexuality" (or both) a try. Because the complexity of such relationships increases exponentially as more people are added to the equation, no one should ever put their hopes in anything like this actually working out in the long run. It's difficult enough finding love AND a good lover all at once, let alone two or more. Y'all be good to yourselves and each other!
--rlc
11/22

Bravo. As a fellow polyamorist, I feel that very few monogamous relationships really work. I have been involved with two men for the past year. While I would like to have a threesome with them both, they do not want to do this. They are fine with knowing about each other, but have never met each other. One is very conservative sexually, and one is very sexually adventurous. It keeps me busy and smiling. I highly recommend it for everyone! It can be complicated at times, but then what in life isn't complicated?
--dm
11/22

Dan Savage says or quotes someone in Skipping into Gomorha that in a threesome 'the woman gets more than one man to service her and the man gets the thrill of seeing her woman being screwed by another man, thus starting the delicious sperm war', or words to that effect. A thoroughly satisfying arrangement indeed. But he obviously has two-men-one-woman kind of a menagerie in mind. You went for the two-women-one-man variety and you had fun too. I wonder how would Dan the homosexual explain this!!!
--Md
11/21

smart girl - withdraw yourself before getting hurt too much! now it's Malissa felt hurt - but you know sooner or later it's your turn right? after all, we are too much of what we are for the society than our real selves... - that's why we have fantacies - I wish some day our world will become a place there is nobody is afaid of express their sexual needs anytime and doing something about it....
--mi
11/20

in response of NCT's posting - I thought Naomi chose a open relationship instead of one boy one girl... that's totally different choices...please tell me I am right, I don't think she went back to the traditional monogamous way...
--mm
11/20

I was really touched by your obviously honest questionning and exploration of yourself and your sexuality. Bravo. You and your friends are also quite intelligent, open-minded and quite inquisitive. It strikes me that somehow this menage a trois also through its hightened excitement helps to ease some deep hurts for you. However, what I am most impressed by is your ability at this point to realize that monogamous relationships, one boy and one girl, not only has its place but probably is simply a better and easier way to live. You are also a very skilled writer. I would like to meet you one day. I am a 53 year old heterosexual male, married for thirty years to one woman, with two grown daughters. I had an affair with someone I really did love, but like in Swept Away and your threesome, it never really had a future. Maybe relationships like these ultimately help us to be better people, better lovers and, at least, understand why we are basically monogamous. Furthermore, it may just make us better people; less judgemental, less critical, more accepting of human frailty, and more likely to love than to hate. As Jesus said, in defense of the prostitute, "let him without sin cast the first stone." I would rather be a sinner and test the outside of the envelope than be a murderer. I would really like to meet you some time.
--NCT
11/19

Again, Nerve bravely goes where no one has gone before. Beautiful story, wonderful writer. What else is she working on?
--CMH!
11/18

I can identify. I am grieving the loss of a "three of us". Yes it was incredible and passionate. Now at the end there are hurt feelings and relationships that have changed forever. It can't be just casual when you are talking about such emotionality. Impossible and disappointing. The pain is what is incredible now.
--aa
11/17

I disagree with AT. Sam and Melissa used you. Maybe they didn't do it on purpose but they did nevertheless. Most of us can't have sex without getting our emotions in the way. And yeah, maybe Sam and Melissa can have a great time being polyamory but are they even thinking of what will happen to the 3rd wheels they entice when they themselves have gotten their kicks?
--ek
11/16

that was an excellent piece of storytelling. Some of the language was a little akward but an enthralling little allegory nonetheless.
--mks
11/15

"Monogamy almost never works." That sums it up. Never worked for me, neve worked for my wife - we're both 61 now, married 39 years. Never worked for anyone and I mean anyone I know, at least not in our generation or younger. Thanks for sharing something so personal and, in a way, so painful. Richard (Corona70@aol.com)
--RR
11/15

Cool story. I think I can understand the pain of that kind of breakup. For about two and a half years my boyfriend and I had a relationship with another woman. It wonderful and fun and exciting. It was also complicated and ended badly. I was hurt so a long time after she dumped me, us, whatever. But no one understood. I'm married now (to the boyfriend invovled in the relationship) and lead a much simpler life. I might be open to doing that again but he isn't. Oh well.
--MB
11/14

thank you pbr! thank you NERVE for offering such a forum... now I can stop torture myself for being 'wield' for having those thoughs that pbr put in words so clearly!
--mi
11/14

Excellent. That's how it happened to me. Just like that, no plan.
--ar
11/14

Wonderful story on a first time poly experience. Even though you chose the traditional monogamous path in the end (with the door slightly cracked open), isn't it really great to have that clarity about who you are and what you truly want in a relationship...and what you don't want? What's missing from this story is the obvious; that Sam and Mellissa are polyamorous AND they have that one-on-one totally intimate partnership with each other that you desire for yourself. Most people miss the point of this other way of being and lump it in with swinging and generally open relationships. In polyamory, yes, it is about wonderful, passionate, varying flavors of sex, AND it is about the love between everyone invloved...the relationships. Anyone can have a threesome. It's a much bigger, deeper thing to share a heart three ways (or more)...more complex and with the equal potential of being that much more profound and intimate. Bottom line is you don't have to give up the ultimate one-on-one life partnership with an amazing soulmate to be poly. In fact, that is the ultimate manifestation of this way of being. I wish you luck in your adventures in love and life. -Alejandro In Santa Rosa PS: Sam & Mellissa dropped the ball with you. If they had been just a touch more conscious about the whole thing, you could still be sharing a deeper, more intimate layer of your friendship. You don't just invite someone into your heart and your bed and then abruptly move away and leave them hanging with all those feelings...it's not too late.
--A.T.
11/14

Although it doesn't seem related, it may be. In doing 300-400 years of genealogical research, the reality finally sinks in: so many people, so many dead. In the larger scheme of things, the relationships made in life have much more to do with the effect on a person than all of the "moral requirements" we place on ourselves. In terms of individuality and free will, guilt has its place, but its place serves society much more than it serves the person who harbors it, and after life is done, it matters very little since we are all gone and forgotten. The importance of privacy, however, determines the extent of our ability to practice the individuality and free will that we imagine are our unique gift of life to each of us. The extent to which we allow individual experimentation or lifestyle departures from the norms decided for us is, or may be, the degree of success any society has. A great part of that success is bound up in the respect we have for each other, the tolerance with which we interact with others, and the degree of offense we take to someone else's conduct or behavior as having violated the "rules of play," in this, our era of living. Ultimately, all acceptance or offense will merge into the oblivion of our once having lived. The lessons we learn from doing genealogical research from so long ago is to value the dignity to which each person is entitled while alive, so they, and so we, can conduct our lives with a respectful degree of autonomy to which each of us are entitled - in "natural law." Although we rarely give thought to these "dimensions of life," doing so might permit the kinds of flexibility that contributes to both the moral indignation that so many feel when confronted with "alternative lifestyles" difficult to understand. Ultimately, the "moral fixations" upon which we find ourselves transfixed are, in the grand scheme of generations of life, somewhat petty, and may do more harm than good in terms of human progress and humane treatment. Besides, who wants to live in a box, and what purpose does it serve?
--pbr
11/14

I so agree with ARU: 'polyamory, swinging, whatever. Understanding is greater than "love".' too bad we humen are so insecure all the fucking time: guess it's a double-ege sword to let others understand us - it makes us vulnerable, and ninety percent of times people choose distance instead of letting anybody in... and the more people you let in the more vulnerable one can get..., in this way, having a open relationship or polysexuality can be more challenging sometimes...
--MM
11/11

wonderful article, finally an intelligent article about a subject that most everyone seems to hate but clearly does not wish to understand. Polyamoury is a new wave for the future of relationships in this new century, most people need to open their minds and hearts to its' possibilities. Thanks for writing this article and sharing it.
--jgb
11/11

Right now, I'm involved in a triple relationship... it's so nice to see that other people do this outside of the Springer show. Normal people. Thanks for sharing.
--JM
11/11

Wow... This is a well writen, moving piece...If you are in love with these people don't let it slip away...I wouldn't
--jmn
11/11

I agree. Monogamay is complicated. And so are all the other choices beacsue life is complicated. However, having someone who understands you and you understand them is what makes life enjoyable. I prefer that to "love". The possibilities there are endless: it could be monogamy, polyamory, swinging, whatever. Understanding is greater than "love".
--ARU
11/11

Very interesting. It is difficult for an outsider to understand the complexities of this type of relationship. Nobody could ever figure out mine, which was very real and unfortunately brief.
--jj
11/10

I thought this was wonderful. I have thought about that situation, and even longed for it at times. Though, without the messy break up. I've experimented with girls, and want more, but am not sure how to approach it. My boyfriend cannot make up his mind whether or not another woman is cheating or not. We shall see what happens. Anyway, thank you for the insight.
--BG
11/10

I enjoyed your story. Thank you. May I offer some advice? Perhaps you should try getting close to people without getting drunk first, whether you are poly or not. I'm not trying to be rude, it just sounds like everytime you were with Sam & Melissa you were all drunk and I wonder how healthy that is?
--BL
11/10

The article "Just the Three of Us" by Naomi H. Lane is about polysexuality, not polyamory. Polyamory is about multiple romantically loving, deeply emotionally intimate long-term relationships. Articles of this sort are part of the reason that the public doesn't understand polyamory.
--MD
11/10

Very nicely done. Erotic without being exploitive, and surprisingly humanistic. Prince Oluf
--JK
11/10

Naomi - thank you for writing this piece. Polyamory is complicated by necessity, and I must agree with another reader that I found there wasn't as much negotiation as I would recommend. Without those types of discussions, things are assumed and boundaries crossed and that can leave people feeling hurt and confused. In your writing, I also sensed that you felt passive in the relationship... It is also worthy to note that not all polyamorous relationships are triads. Couples can have independent and meaningful relationships with others so long as they are conducted with respect.
--mmj
11/10

Naomi, thank you for this story about your experience with Polyamory. I have also been involved with situations such as this. In the last three years, I've been involved with two married couples in what I would call swinging experiences. While there was no "intimacy" of relationships on a love level, it was still hard to deny what I felt during those experiences. I am not Homosexual or even Bi, however, I did feel a closeness or a bonding with both partners in the experiences. "It's . . . I can't do this casually," she said. "I can't just hook up with you." She brought up my one-night relapse with the ex. She wanted me to be faithful? She wanted me not to be casual? When I read this, it came to my mind my first experience with Polyamory. I was dating a gal who was bi-sexual. She and I met another gal at a club. This other gal liked both of us and we were soon "dating". My girlfriend and I both shared a relationship based on communication. We were able to talk about what we were feeling and experiencing as it was happening. However since we didn't share the same openess all around with the other gal, the relationship was doomed to fail. Relationships in general are based on honesty, communication, and how secure one is with themselves. If all partners in a relationship (be it monogamy or polyamory) are open, honest and express their feelings, then the relationship will thrive and survive. From what you wrote, it seems as though not enough was communicated among all parties. In all relationships, rules and expectations are established and followed. It seems as though rules about seeing others was established without your knowledge. You felt as though you were betrayed by them leaving you alone (moving to another state). So to get back at them, you sought out another partner and spent the night with them. Communication is key to any relationship. When you talked about not being able to approach others about sharing your experience, I also understand this completely. The few times I have approached others, they were not so understanding about why I was involved in these kinds of relationships or experiences. They often remarked "wow, you are one wild dude!", or "why would you want to be in that kind of situation?", etc. They were totally disregarding the emotional aspect of the experiences and more focused on how "wild" I was because I did a threesome. I felt I couldn't share the emotional aspects of my experiences with anyone. "A search for that one, single, solitary man who will stick by me into old age still strikes me as doomed and comical. But the alternative is no more preferable. The search for a long-term, multiple and open set of relationships seems eminently possible, but it would take a lot of work, and it would be messy and difficult, just like everything else." Choosing either path is a matter of preference and opportunity. To be involved in a multiple partner relationship takes as much skill and deft in handling your emotions. If you are open and honest with yourself first, then you are in tune with your feelings and capable of expressing them. You need to continue expressing your feelings honestly with both partners. You must also hold open communication with them and find out what they are experiencing. By establishing a set of rules in the relationship (such as no dating others outside the group, or only dating select partners), you go along way towards elminating future problems. The most deadly emotion you will deal with in a polyamorist relationship is Jealousy. This is true even with monogamous relationships. By being open, honest and communicative of your feelings, you can deal more effectively when jealousy rears its ugly head. I feel bad your threesome experience was not so positive. However don't discount a polyamorist relationship so quickly. The tendency in light of something negative is to back to what is comfortable. Since society so readily frowns upon Polyamorist relationships, its easy for you to discount polyamory as a viable option.
--wri
11/10

that was a lovely piece of writing i really enjoyed reading it u enlightened me briefly on this subject thankyou
--jr
11/10

good lord, what is wrong with hairiness. I'm so tired of everyone fearing body hair. I couldn't even read the rest of your article, fearing it would descend further into long tedious descriptions of your daily depilatorial excursions. bleh.
--eca
11/10

This was a lovely story, first I've ever read on the topic (of the few I've ever read on the topic) not published in HUSTLER genre language. You made it human, and gave it heart as well as intimacy and bi-genitalia. Wonder how it would have gone if you had NOT went with that ex, at that particular moment? Having read your story I now recall the one time (I am sure of) when such an experience was seconds away, had I but known what to say to encourage it, by indicating my own willingness to go along. In the late 60s one of my serial simultaneous girlfriends invited me to her house in Berkeley, for THE purpose. When I arrived, she called me into the bedroom and there she was laying closely side by side with a female I'd not met before. Marcia looked at me with those innocent eyes, and her friend looked at me as if to say, "Well buster? Whad'ya think about this, wanna try us both?". It stopped me in my tracks, at the doorway. I looked at Marcia. I looked at her sensuous friend. I lokked at Marcia. I looked at her sensuous friend, and did this a couple more times. Being inept, untutored, disbelieving what my instinct was yelling at the top of its lungs COULD happen if only I knew how to gentlemanly consent and having no role model paradigms to at least get me moving in the right direction, I remained silent. Her friend smiled a wicked smile, looked right through me to the extreme back side of my skull, disengaged from Marcia...and left us to do what we had both come there to do. So, I wonder if and when sex education arrives in public schools, whether eventually there will not need to be a "cell" dealing with polyamory/polygamy. And, whether for some parents of the puberty raging it might be a good idea to include this as one of the birds and bees and birds lessons. Nicely done...
--BLU
11/09

Its the near exact fantasy we have and talk about.The real thing may be scary but I would like, and my wife would like to expierience it as long as it was tasteful. Enjoyed the story. TG
--TG
11/09

it is good tht polyamory is being bropught out as a viable lifestyle. The fact tha over half of the marriages fail and that curently less people are getting married shows that like it or not polyamory is here to stay and really has been practiced (in the wrong way ) for years the key is honesty among th threesome no usery. sincerely Mark V Spencer corrections officer
--mvs
11/09

I so agree with rd! also on different note - if the whole society practices poly love, is it still so tempting though? would we want to pursue monogamous by then...or isn't it what's in reality already just still underground because not many people are gutsy enough to admit it...?
--mi
11/09

i have enough difficulty with ONE other person
--jr
11/09

a sad fact, a relationship works so much within the world and has much to do with how the outside world perceives that relationship...
--rd
11/09

You have added the much needed ingredient to all of our fantasies: Love.
--LDS
11/08

Great story, nice plot....
--HE
11/08

Touching story. I have a feeling that you will find "The One", it just may take a while.
--JLR
11/08

Um. Wow. This was beautiful. Sums up feelings and experiences that I have had in words more eloquent than I am capable of writing. Thank you.
--PAB
11/08

Wow! Fantastic article.I often wonder how come we are raised to love so many different people in our lives ( grandparents, aunts ,uncles cousins, friends) yet we are supposed to focus all of our physical and deep emotional love on one person for our whole lives. I would like to think that poly love would work. Thanks for sharing!
--
11/08

Awesome! Awesome!... Thank you so much for the shared experience. Great writing, great story, great experience. I don't know what else to say... Thank you?!
--MF
11/08

I AM MELISSA IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, MARRIED TO AN AMAZING MAN, WITH THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. WE ARE STILL INVOLVED WITH OUR THIRD PARTY LOVE, ALTHOUGH SHE HAS MOVED AWAY. (SHE SENT ME THE ARTICLE). THANK YOU FOR SUCH AN HONEST AND ENLIGHTENING ARTICLE, I HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW SHE FEELS NOW.
--
11/08

"They just couldn't understand how I could grieve for something that clearly never had a future." Ouch. Of COURSE you grieve for things that have no future, or even those which are plainly hopeless. Likely, even knowing in advance the relationship would have no good end would not dissuade you getting involved since the end is not a real concern in what started the relationship. Keep searching for the one, single, solitary man (or woman) who will stick by me into old age, if that is what you want. It may be doomed but it is not comical. And I suppose keep your eyes open for another open, messy and difficult (maybe more so) relationship in the meanwhile.
--lp
11/08

/sigh Sorry for your loss Naomi. I have to tell you though, you did get a step or two further than my wife and I. It seems you were able to find two that you actually cared about, deeply. We cannot seem to find anyone other than dishonest people with masked agendas. Keep trying, what is right for you will come.
--DK
11/07

A problem with threesomes seems to be the addition of an extra person, or two, increases the general arousal level of each individual, apparently more than most people can sustain indefinitely. I'd like to know about king and queen threesomes that lasted more than a year and how they did it. Remember, the success of monogamy depends on the dulling of passion. And, as Anatole France said, "The origin of passion is the imagination of betrayal."
--rke
11/07

.. excellent. An honest look and something most like to fantasize about but never experience. My own experience was less intense, as it was just with some casual friends, and I think this situation best. Alternative relationships carry all the difficulty that more mainstream ones do, often being even more complex. Polyamorous relationships are nice in theory, but few of us are really equipped to make it work. The complexity, to be perfectly scientific about it, becomes squared.
--EGM
11/07

I ended up in a threesome under similar circumstances, I suppose, with two women. (The section on showing up at work bleary-eyed and distracted was pretty accurate.) In the end, though, it was impossible to sustain, and we broke up into a couple and a single person again, just different people in the couple, and someone else left alone and hurting. Monogamy may be hard to sustain, but so is polyamory.
--rm
11/07

Yes. Positivity. I can relate to the situation so much that I had to respond. Casual Sex, is lacking intimacy; while monogamy seems almost as alien as chastity. Perfect would be the world if we could build physical communities of like minded healthy individuals.
--vid
11/07

to some extent i do think there is a negativist attitude towards traditional sex, perhaps some individuals assuming that all that is "normal" / monogamist == bad, therefore whatever opposite one can construct is - by definition - good. and certainly there is something to be said for open mindedness. but human beings are not republican vs democrat level of black and white, and if anything isn't going to meet that extreme level of simplicity, it's sex. why does a monogamous couple have complications and issues to be dealt with? because there are *two* human beings involved, instead of just one, where we can singularly stand on our respective soapboxes and spout how we think to our own mental audience. i would argue that adding a #3 - aside from adding a hot third body to the bed - is certain to bring an additional level of, at some point certain, difficult complexity to any situation. i don't see how the argument of "monogamy is flawed" has any weight aginst vs "polyamory is flawed"; i would make the not so bold comment that people are complicated. it takes a whole lot of anyone to be *with* someone seriously, let alone being *with* two people. to some extent i do think polyamory still uses ideas from strictly casual or swinger sex, attempting to apply that ideology with a tad more structure, but with more of the same kind of complication. to each their own- but as an argument against monogamy, well i do think it falls flat--- unless you are predisposed one way or another. fortytwominutes@hotmail.com san francisco
--sdf
11/07

When 'Melissa' gets upset - that's where I can relate fully. While, in this case, the separation by distance made the issue absurd, there is indeed a investment and fidelity issue that applies as much to polyamory as it does to monogamy. I have been in both situations and define myself by none. I just abide in affection, love, sensuality, sex and heartfelt passage. Suffering pervades everything. Weighing out the pain of a thing determines nothing.
--jda
11/06

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