PERSONAL ESSAYS

Reader Feedback on "A Plague On Both Your Houses"

Thank you for sharing your story. I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have it. It’s been just about a month now. I was seeing this guy for about 5 months. Everything was going well. At nearly 30 years I was ready to commit, ready for a relationship and there he was doing all the right things. He behaved like we were a couple. We planned a beach holiday together along with another couple. Maybe like many women I just believed there was something when there wasn’t anything actually. I was blissfully ignorant about anything called herpes so when the doctor told me I had it I did not know what had hit me. When I came home to read about it, is when I broke down. I met him to talk about it and he told me very casually that he had oral herpes. All he could say to me after that was that he was sorry and did not know how it happened because he did not have the sores at the time. He loved to go down on me and said he enjoyed it. He did it with a lot of passion too. All he had to do was talk to me about it and take the necessary precautions. I liked him enough by then and would have accepted it. Being the first outbreak it was excruciating. I screamed when I had to pee. I could not talk to too many people about it. I cried at work and cried myself to sleep. I was a good catholic girl till 2 years ago saving myself for the man I was to marry. Then I gave in to the flesh and decided to give it up. This was only my second physical relationship with someone. I kept asking why it had to happen with me. I know so many women who have had multiple sex partners but nothing happened to them. Not that it should but these were some of the thoughts running through my head. At the time my career was going down the drain, my family was going through a rough patch, I was not financially sound and then to top it all, I get diagnosed with Herpes. While I waited for test results I prayed for it to be negative, I prayed that at least it would be Type 1 but it had to be Type 2. After my visit to the doctor again I get more bad news. She said "You have to go for regular pap smears, you may have higher risk of HIV, and you have a higher risk of cervical cancer" He called me and asked me what the doctor had to say. I told him everything. All the while I believed it when he said that he did not know much about how this spreads. Maybe I believed him because I did not want to know that someone could be so selfish, that someone could have fooled me like this. He seemed supportive of my problem. Wanted to spend all the time he could with me so that I did not have to go through it alone. I thought to myself 'at least I have him' You would have thought the pain stops there but then the very same day I hear the words "we need to talk". I knew it was trouble. The next day he says "I just want you to know that I do not want to get into a relationship. I really like you, I used to be just attracted to you but then I grew to like you, I like having you around etc etc." But after all that there was the famous “BUT”.... "there never was anything”, he said. "I wanted you to know that before we went on that holiday. It has nothing to do with your problem though" I was looking forward to the holiday. I thought it was a good way to distress, to relax. It was so important for me to have as little stress as possible. Then he was going to be with me and we were going to learn to deal with this. And three days before he chooses to tell me that there is nothing. I wished he had waited... it was too much to handle... just too much... I am still in denial. I still hope he will come back to me. What hurts the most is the feeling that he broke up with me at the time when I was already so broken, that he broke up with when he of all people could understand. I am so scared that I won’t find anyone else who will accept me with my problem... only time will tell... Your story gives me a teeny bit of hope... My hurt is still too raw to be able to see the light.
--RJ
09/02

Thank you so much for this article. I just finished my first year in college and recently contracted herpes from my boyfriend. I'm still a little scared, especially of having to tell new partners in the future, but reading your article made me feel much better. It's so good to know I'm not alone.
--L
07/25

As someone who has both HPV and Herpes, I am incredibly grateful for your bravery and eloquence in sharing your story. It's touching and inspiring. Thank you.
--m
04/15

Hi, I'm not an expert on STDs, but I am a medical student who's had a few friends come to me with STD-related questions and done some reading. Thought you might be interested in some of the random stuff I remember. The HPV vaccine protects against _only_ the four type of HPV (there are around 100 described, maybe more by now) that cause most cases of cervical cancer; these four types (and most other types of HPV) do not cause genital warts. The types of HPV that cause genital warts (mainly 6 and 11) are a very uncommon cause of cervical cancer. (As is the type of HPV which causes plantar warts, which I picked up from showering barefoot in my gym). Although you might want to check this out to make sure, I'd guess it's very unlikely you'll develop cancer due to sex with your partner. (In addition, just did a quick search and it looks like most people who get infected with HPV 6 or 11 don't actually develop lesions!) Also, your desciption of HSV-1 and 2 is close to correct, but a little different from what I remember (although you may be more informed than I am). From what I remember, HSV-1 and HSV-2 are two different viruses (at the DNA level). HSV-1 tends to give less frequent, less severe outbreaks; HSV-2 outbreaks tend to be more frequent and more severe. HSV-1 is commonly thought of as oral herpes simplex because most cases of oral herpes--but not all--are due to HSV-1; ditto for HSV-2 and genital herpes. I vaguely recall reading something about how the general increase in oral sex in the last several decades has lead to a 'blurring' of these categories, so plenty of genital herpes is actually caused by HSV-1. (Not sure if HSV-2 is causing more oral herpes--I kinda doubt it, since I suspect most people get oral herpes when very young, from kissing their mom (how I likely got it) or another infected relative). People with HSV-1 genital herpes tend to have fewer and less severe outbreaks. At least, that's been the experience of a couple (female) friends who caught herpes from oral sex. Not sure whether having HSV-1 in one location protects you from getting HSV-2 at that same location (or other locations) and vice versa. Sorry for going on like this, but I really enjoyed reading your article, and just wanted to share some of the stuff I'd picked up along the way :-)
--ERS
04/11

Hey, Speaking as someone published in herpes virology, HSV1 does not magically transform into HSV2 if your genitals are infected. It's still HSV1. The main difference between the two viruses is the HSV1 is temperature sensitive (that is to say, it does not replicate as well when it's too hot), whereas HSV2 is not temperature sensitive. Makes sense, doesn't it? It's warmer down there. There you go.
--JF
04/03

That was great. You took a taboo topic and made it informative and funny. Very brave. Bravo! I wish you well.
--FS
04/02

Lovely article on a taboo subject. That careless boyfriend with cold sores must really get around. Not that we don't appreciate the cunnilingus, but we would probably would have appreciated the disease control even more. I also forced myself to be honest with potential partners. AWKWARD! But I would have hated myself, otherwise. In the end, it probably cut down on random hookups. What it didn't do is prevent me from finding the love of my life. My sweet, loving husband didn't let a virus, a borderline lifeform, stand in the way of our beautiful life together. A pox on that valtrex commerical.
--tpw
03/30

I wanted to make a quick correction: HSV-1 and HSV-2 are two different (though related) viruses. Each can infect both oral and genital mucosa, though HSV-1 tends to infect the mouth and HSV-2 tends to infect the genitals which has led to the misconception of HSV-1 as oral and HSV-2 as genital herpes.
--TH
03/29

Thank you for writing this. Well-written and brave.
--MM
03/28

thank you for writing this lovely and thoroughly informative essay on such a complicated personal and public health issue. my best friend was diagnosed with precancercous cells around her vulva before she even had an inkling she contracted HPV. i have had others female friends exhibit very cavalier attitudes and sexual relations despite being in the health field professionally. for my sister, now a doctor, telling our parents there was a possibility she had not only contracted HPV but had precancerous cells indicated by an abnormal Pap Smear- almost gave her a nervous breakdown. as an HIV Test Counselor in New York i reminded myself never to have sex again. and the next time i had sex- i didn't use a condom. i just "trusted" him even though he was a complete and total liar. nothing has shown up but there is always a yet and i feel like a big idiot. it is so difficult to navigate between trust and resposibility, to yourself and to others, when it comes to attraction and intimacy. being informed is everyone's responsibility but diseases are NO ONE'S choice or fault. it is great that they have developed a vaccine for a deadly virus that inhabits 80% of the adult population, but it is being promoted like a chastity belt rather than provided to the target population that could really benefit from it now. children should be protected but we have to be adults about our own mortality. it's a crying shame.
--rb
03/28

ELP, you're right-- they're two separate strains of the virus. They aren't location specific. So if a partner has type 1 (the one that usually presents as cold sores) and goes down on you, it would be type 1 that you get genitally. I'm glad that Nerve posted this essay-- it's too bad that more people's stories aren't out there. Maybe it would help eliminate the undeserved stigma surrounding STDs.
--dr.k
03/27

Beautifully written, wonderful story. Thank you for writing it--I can't imagine writing about my experiences like this.
--DAL
03/27

As someone who has been going through treatment for HPV for the past year, I understand completely. I've tried to do the *right* thing and educate potential partners about HPV but they have all shied away from me, unwilling to take the chance. SO - I decided to live life as usual. Afterall, I got this from a guy that probably did not even know he had HPV and was asymptomatic. We all take risks in life and when you live on the edge (or not) it's a huge factor.
--www
03/27

Thanks for writing about both diseases. I have had both for over twenty five years. I did not stop living nor did I stop loving. I was lucky enough to be introduced to a woman who has loved me with all my flaws.
--jeh
03/27

I didn't know that once the virus is located on your genitals, it's automatically type II. It was my understanding when my doc gave me the news that you can get BOTH type I and II on BOTH places - orally and genitally. They are two separate virus, no? In fact he said they that they are seeing more and more type I cases on genitals because (naturally) of the increase in population and frequency of sex. Just like there are about 200 strains of HPV, each one being different and only a mere 2% cause warts. I've only had visible symptoms for almost two years. I take valtrex everyday because even though I only get one teeny tiny little blister on my parineum and it's only happened two or three times, I will feel more prepared when I am in the position to have to tell somebody. Stigma's a bitch. I try so hard to not feel it but I do.
--ELP
03/27

Yes, good article on an important and, at least lately, forgotten topic. More on the virology, symptoms, treatment, prevention, etc. at http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/herpessimplex.html and, especially, http://www.aad.org/public/Publications/pamphlets/HerpesSimplex.htm
--pab
03/27

The strains of HPV that cause warts are generally distinct from those which are linked to cervical cancer. Check out number 4 in this link http://www.ashastd.org/hpv/hpv_learn_myths.cfm
--xyz
03/27

Great article - people don't talk nearly enough about living with STIs and dealing with the stigma. However, for the HPV vaccine, the original price is $120 per shot, and most places, in my experience, offer it for somewhere between $120 and $180 per shot; the whole series ends up costing $400-$600 rather than the $1500 your article cites (at $500 for three shots). Still quite expensive, especially since cervical cancer mainly kills in populations where pap smears aren't readily available - meaning those who most need it aren't going to get it. But, at least less than $500 a shot : )
--epi
03/27

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