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Reader Feedback on "On Not Saying "I Do""
right on
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09/30 |
That was one of the best peices of litrature I have had the pleasure of reading in a very long time. Thank you for you wisdom and honesty
--SH
07/27 |
Some of you guys are taking this marriage thing way too seriously. Some of you are taking yourselves way too seriously. Give me a break PLEASE. Marriage is not about putting your "love" on paper because really I, personally, don't care if a couple is in love (most people don't). Rather marriage is intended to be a legal contract between you and your mate for the sake of your children, financial stability, medical care as well as for property rights (ie inheritence). Marriage IS NOT the big deal that some of you are trying to make of it! I'm 29 and I've been up to my neck in it for 10 years. We still talk candidly about sex and yes I do make breakfast, but so does he. Get married don't get married no one cares save your parents and the God squad. Whatever you do, take a deep breath and get over yourself.
--prj
07/14 |
Right on!
--rlp
06/07 |
I have to say this is a well thought out nice read on long term committed "unmarried" relationships... I'm in the longest relationship I've ever been in (I'm 35) - it's an open one and has lasted almost 10 mos... My average relationship lasts 3 mos... I feel somewhat the same way as the writer, I never dreamed of being married and all the stuff that goes with it... But I am enjoying this lasting open relationship that I'm in - and hope it goes a lot longer... Thanks for putting the time together to share your life in words on paper about living a "non-traditional" lifestyle that fits your needs/wants and not caving into social pressure to be "normal on the outside" and "abnormal on the inside" - Savannah Skye...
--ses
06/05 |
I wonder if the alternative to marriage that the author of this article has created with her partner also has the power, like marriage, to change behavior patterns. My guess is, it does.
--AK
05/30 |
I feel strongly that there *is* a valid point to unmarried long-term partnerships and am very thankful to Nerve for hosting this article. Regardless of whether one chooses, when one decides to get married (as my ex-husband and I did) to 'do' marriage consciously and not let it 'do' us, *society* attaches all sorts of definitions, of baggage, to that word, and you are defined by others through that lens. Think that you are too intelligent, too well self-defined, too hip, communicate too well with your partner, to have it happen to you? I watched with dismay over the course of my seven year marriage as my husband succumbed to such and began placing increasing pressure on me to behave in a manner appropriate to a 'wife', in almost the exact manner the author mentions (why wasn't I a better housekeeper? why did I need one night out a week with friends?). He finally broke down and admitted during the course of our pre-divorce struggle that 'he honestly thought I would change' once we were married.
I've been in an unmarried relationship for the last ten years now, and I don't see my partner and I ever marrying. It's simply not how we wish to define our (very loving and committed) relationship to each other (or have it defined by others). I too have watched folks struggle with the word 'partner', but it is the 'right' word to describe our relationship, and feels solid enough for me...
Thank you, Dorian and Marshall, for your work to validate *all* partnerships and I look forward to reading your book...
--DAD
05/28 |
Like the author, I too was absent that day at nursery school. Unlike the author, I decided after years of loving with my partner that, financially speaking, it made a lot of sense for us to get married and, really, wasn't I mature enough to not CARE what people thought of me? (and while this seems to be what the author keeps insisting, that she doesn't care what people think of her, she also wrote she likes seeing people struggle to define her when she uses the term "partner.") Marriage has traditionally been a business contract between families and not some pie-in-the-sky love contract. My relationship didn't change with my partnerafter we got married because we didn't imagine that marriage would change our relationship--however, we knew that the shared health insurance and next-of-kin status were important things we didn't want to live without. If the author (or any woman) is so afraid that the title of "wife" will reduce her to making breakfast instead of having serious discussion about sex, perhaps she should choose herself a better partner in the first place.
--AA
05/28 |
Well said. After two failed marriages (and one "bad" divorce), I only wish that I had missed that particular day at nursery school.
I now realize that one's depth of commitment is all that matters in determining the meaning and longevity of any relationship.
The so called "interest of the state" in marriage as an institution, integral to society's well being seems as outdated/redundant as most religions' precepts.
So I congradulate you on your early recogniton.
As someone who truly cherishes depth and intimacy in my relationships, I seek and look forward to having a deeply committed and lasting love in my life (in fact, I may have met her!).
Stay the course....be happy!!!
--mll
05/27 |
Okay...but really....who cares? When I got married I was disgusted by the word "wife." Was I a wife? What did that mean? It just sounded wrong. I was worried that my life and identity would change in some way. It didn't. I was with my husband for six years before we got married and though our lives have changed, (as all lives do) those changes have not been attributable to our marriage. We are still the same people and "wife" is just a word. BTW, I kept my last name...so no one even really knows if we are married or not. Very few people know if you are married or not unless you tell them. Either way, does it really matter if you get married? I think less and less as time goes on....
--gh
05/27 |
I lived with a man for 5 years and considered him like
my husband; we were NEVER asked why we weren't married.
Perhaps our parents a few times mused it would be nice if
we got married- the presents!-, but I think if you act like a married and committed couple, people treat you like one. The irony is I supposedly didn't marry him because I didn't believe in the piece of paper, but deep down I probably knew we wouldn't always be together- and I could have gotten health insurance to boot! The issues are coming up because now I am getting married, because my new man has moved abroad- and we need the legal protection so I can stay with him and work. I never fantasized about marriage and none of my childhood friends did, but I am a little excited by the idea of this rituality- it's very exotic. But the idea of being a "wife" does terrify me.
--MB
05/27 |
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