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Reader Feedback on "Philandering for Dummies"

Thanks for your very literate and entertaining report. I would read articles more often if other writers could write as well as you do.
--r.
10/07

Lisa, Damn if you didn't hit nail right on the head. Cheating shouldn't be a civilised transaction, like getting haircut or buying a big screen TV.
--SJ
09/05

lisaccarver@aol.com
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08/28

lisa, how can i email you?
--jv
08/27

Nerve and Reviewer: Interesting review! You surprise me, Nerve, with your contributor's intellect. I heard this was only a "kiddie-gosh- I'm cool!" site (nerve.com). Whether I agree or disagree with the reviewer isn't as important as the fact that it's refreshing to hear these things openly and honestly discussed; especially by someone emotionally and intellectually developed, as the reviewer. Thanks for sending it! (I'll brobably browse the book anyhow - smile) Richard
--RW
08/18

I love rwp's description of cheater's guilt: "The knowledge that one is doing wrong and could, and perhaps should, get caught, provides at least as much erotic charge as does the presence of new and unfamiliar flesh." It's almost like the cheater is cheating on his or her CHEAT PARTNER by thinking about the spouse so intensely before, during and/or right after the act (even if they're angry, scared thoughts -- what's more passionate than fear and fury?). Perhaps every cheat is a cheat within a cheat.
--Lisa
08/17

I agree with Lisa in that it seem unimaginable that someone would write a how-to book, particularly aimed at men, on something people, especially men, have been doing for all time. I can only imagine that the author was trying to be facetious. Lisa's take on cheating is interesting to me. Everyone i know, absolutely fumes at the thought of being cheated on. I have never met anyone with Lisa's sentiments. Even if they act like it's not the end-all, when it happens, they would like nothing better, in the moments of realization, than to be swallowed by the earth.
--N.S.
08/17

What on earth is This Is Pop! in the author's resume and does it actually exist?
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08/17

It drives me crazy when people take one line from an entire article, or the Koran, or the Consititution, quote it, and then refer to it OUT OF CONTEXT. Not bothering to digest the sentences before it, in this case, completely obscures the message I believe the author intended. *grin* "Does anyone really want total cultural acceptance of their own lie-filled rebellion? ...We don't need a how-to book on being bad better. We need the guilt, the mystery, the corrosion of our heart and its rebirth." Just looking at this first sentence, my answer is a profound and resounding "NO!" How could anyone rebel, if their rebellion was culturally accepted? Some marriages are made and saved by such transgressions. Some people move on to live happier lives. Some people die. When did cheating become anyone elses business but the cheaters and the others involved? (Oh--that's right, during the 1992 Presidential Campaign and the Impeachment process that followed!) "We don't need a how-to book on being bad better," explains why "We need the guilt"; i.e., why a CHEATER needs the guilt, not the one who has been CHEATED ON. "We need the mystery" not a pseudo-scientific explanation that can not be proven because "the guilt" and "the mystery" combine to "corrode our hearts." Eventually, this leads to the "rebirth[ing]" process OF THE cheater's heart. Well, I feel much better now that I have explained what all those commas meant in the last sentence. Sheesh.
--kjaz
08/16

"Wanton Misery" ought to have its own book - it's a very catchy phrase so often appropo.
--pbr
08/15

Thank you for your review on the book. I agree that there is more to our attraction and wanderings. For myself I seem to be incomplete without a lover. I stay with each lover for 2 to 5 years. Some have been my lovers through more then one marriage. I would be happy to explore the reason and process of the outside of marriage relationships. The whys and the hows. I've learned alot about myself through these relationships. And I am very glad I had them. Mistakes and all., Maybe you shold write a book. People need to know and to have a place to get insight into themselves. Lofe is a good thing. generations1@earthlink.net
--EJK
08/15

wrong wrong wrong peace of mind + total intimate freedom = full life / what matters. Double Games - done that and been there- are boring. Clime, run, and explore with no luggage!
--pb
08/14

Having been on the side of the wrong-doer, I personally think that anyone that would condone cheating by trying to blame it on genetic make up is about as intelligent as a rock. Genes do not cause a person's heart or mind to stray. What makes them stray is a lack of committment on their part. I have never known of a man, or a woman for that matter, that would turn down sex (illicit or extra-marital) when it was blatantly put in front of them. It would take a very strong person in order to do so. Since my affair, I have been attempting to rebuild the trust that I violated. Yes, my wife found out about it. Why? Because, after 10 years, she knows me well enough to know when I'm doing something that is not in our--collective...not the decadant, hurtful, and evil attitude of the author--interests. Speaking from experience, anyone that would openly go out and buy that book is wasting their money...affairs do not work. Either you wind up falling in love with the other woman/man, they wind up falling in love with you, or (worst case) you wind up with someone that is very likely to chop the head off a rabbit, throw the body in a tub of hot water and put the head on to boil. Yes, I'm referring to the penultimate example of why you should not have an affair--the movie "Fatal Attraction." So, boys and girls, let's all remember that it takes two to tango, but only one to royally screw up a marriage. And an affair is the simplest and easiest way to screw up a marriage. If you aren't ready for marriage, don't say "I do." If you want to sew your wild oats, don't commit to something that will prevent that prior to sewing said oats. And it doesn't matter if you get caught or not...it's just plain wrong. Okay?
--HLM
08/14

monogamy and non-monogamy are nice painful tricky and horrible. what i'm wondering is why you're giving so much attention to and explanation against such an obviously stupid book. from the beginnig it's clear how it's outdated and reductive. so who cares? what about your own views on how it can work? i'm sure everyone either knows or can imagine the pleasures of a 'dark, sweaty, afternoon cheat' but what about the cheated-on's pain, confusion, jealousy etc? all of which have a very distinct life of their own and can take over in predictable but way too powerful ways. what to do about them? ideas not rules... p.s. congratulations on the girl
--K
08/13

Great review. Thanks.
--cc
08/13

Reductionist, cynical, fatalistic, formulaic takes on sex, the sexes, and human behavior can sometimes feel accurate and emotionally satisfying in a grumbling, pat answer conspiracy theory sort of way, the irrefutable trump cards of solitaire. Sometimes in my backwash out they spew, then comes relief for there is room once more for the open-ended field of complex, three-dimensional, never-fully-explained human behavior, which can be boiled down to no formula. Thanmk you for a wise and wonderful article.
--cp
08/10

Smog, yes.
--lcc
08/09

Dummies have been philandering for years and the world is only the worse for it. What we could use are some excrutiatingly honest men with themselves and with "their" women - pre-marriage, and during mating formation - so that informed couples wait for marriage until they are "ready" for the mutual commitment that marriage requires to be successfully called a marriage. Being "nudged" into marriage, or without the education of what kinds of effort is required to choose a suitable spouse where commitment might be feasible could avoid the guilt, dishonesty, and machinations necessary to sustain affairs to satisfy unmet yearnings that result in philandering. Consistent philandering is very likely a very poor marriage, or a very ill person unable to make real attachments rooted in self respect and the ability to discern value (& that's just men). For women, uncertain directions in life or lack of introspection along with lack of education can lead to very unhappy lives through which philandering may seem preferable but generally leads to self-disrespect that can erode to self hate. Generally, the longer the planned marriage, the longer the self examination period needed to be applied to a potential mate, especially if children are contemplated. Short marriages (commitments) require little and often yield little, or abusive situations at best.
--pb
08/09

Smog.
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08/08

Is this the Lisa Carver who recorded with Smof on Forgotten Foundation? Your Friend, A.W
--AW
08/08

Lisa is right on. Being mature about one's emotional and sexual health go a long way toward fulfilling what one needs in their lives. The problem is with applying what one wants onto another person. They will have their own motivation, so go with the flow and accept what you can.
--BI
08/08

i don't think that ms. carver's comment about how we "need the guilt, the mystery, the corrosion of our heart and its rebirth" can reasonably be taken as spineless or amoral, as one commentator would have it. while i agree with KDL that an imperative is to continually infuse one's relationship with excitement lest it grow stale (and for which, pardon the shilling, i think nerve can be a wellspring of great benefit), one should not blame ms. carver for not discoursing on marriage in a manner akin to phyllis schlafly. the purpose of this site is to explore the spectrum of human sexuality; cheating happens to be one such area. and ms. carver was correct in noting that the transgressive aspect of marital infidelity, the knowledge that one is doing wrong and could, and perhaps should, get caught, provides at least as much erotic charge as does the presence of new and unfamiliar flesh. if one want commentators singing unalloyed paeons to monogomy, there are no shortage of sources. but let nerve do what it does well: talking about the role sex actually plays in people's lives without promulgating a specific morality.
--rwp
08/08

"We don't need a how-to book on being bad better. We need the guilt, the mystery, the corrosion of our heart and its rebirth." We need the guilt? That's pretty fucked up. Well...or we just need to accept the challenge of keeping our marriages exciting, and avoid the temptation of cheating instead of being weak and giving in! Truly, some of the Nerve content is wonderful and stimulating. But when articles begin to justify ignoring the vows of marriage to benefit one's sexual excitement, I think it's gone too far. I see plenty of intellectually lazy, spineless moral and ethical stances around me, from Enron to G.W. Bush. I don't need to see more of it on Nerve.com.
--KDL
08/08

Hello Lisa. Nice to see something by you again. You're particular brand of quasi evil was greatly missed.
--MJO
08/08

great article!
--mk
08/08

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