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Reader Feedback on "Miss Information"

Feedback for married men who don't want to be hit on by girls. Stay home and fuck your wife. You married her so you obviously like her. If it's guys night out then guess what, do something guy like. Like play hockey, pool etc. I actually found that women are very competitive and the minute they see a wedding ring they think shit like he must be good if he's taken. How wrong could they be about me. I'm married, make great money, blah blah blah. I also have a wife who doen't work even though she has a Master's degree, she stays home with the kids...who have been going to school for years now. I have friends who have borrow my ring for a night at the bars and they report greater success picking up girls than without it.
--MDE
10/23

i personally feel comfortable talking and befriending married guys because the relationship doesn't have to go anywhere... i've been with someone for five years, and i've noticed that a lot of the guys i meet think that i'm hitting on them or flirting with them when i'm actually just trying to be friendly. this has gone down an awkward road several times, and since i tend to get along/have more in common with men than women, i often find myself growing closer to married men. now none of this occurs in at the bar, where i usually have my deflecto shields on high if i'm out by myself - my advice would be to have fun, but remember to keep some distance between yourself and these predatory females. maybe they just like your tie or something and want to chat for a bit. ultimately, if one of them suggests something intimate, it's up to you to say no, so keep your fences up and rememer what's really important
--bj
08/08

Well, NOW I think we've discovered the root of the problem. Thanks, JB!
--: )
08/07

Getting attention from hot married guys is a fun and rewarding challenge. The women you speak of are probably just playing with you, no need to be so serious about everything. I personally can't stand when married guys talk about their wives all the time. If I don't know her, I really don't care about your wife's root canal/experience in Australia/special way with dogs. It makes married men come off like pussy whipped losers who have no identity of their own.
--JB
08/07

get a divorse. it helps
--DS
08/04

My husband has the same problem. He's always been a cute, happy, friendly, self-assured guy. Now that he's married, women come on to him even more. I think it's because he's even happier. Women don't generally tend to go for guys who are crabby and unfriendly:)
--AL
08/02

Married Guy: Don't take it personally. It is a combination of things that have to do with the way the world works. It is the flip side of the female sixth sense that can smell desperation a mile away when you were single and really really needed to get lucky. You are the total opposite of that person, given your status. Women find guys that are confident and not hitting on them inherently attractive. They are just unconsciously trying to scope you out. For the most part, they may just be curious if you are really really married, and also they may just want someone cool to flirt with. Most of them are not seriously into sleeping with married guys. If you ever become available again, your new found charisma will vanish into the ether. Take my word for it.
--TW
08/02

i'm sorry, but i find the feedback about women who prey on married men just plain offensive. if i knew you were men saying this, i'd add more here. or, if i knew that you were women who felt this to be true because you got burned, then i'd say more, too. but i don't know who you are and what horrible experience makes you say that some women just plain go for married men. how about some married men just go for women other than their wives..... wow, that takes a lot of pop psychologizing and stories that start out 'in my experience' and end with some sad sack story of being a single woman who married men always go for. all's i'm saying is that it takes two in all situations. and you wanna add liquor to any of this mixup and you've got a lot of bad explaining and half-reasons that follow on the heels of whatever happens.
--
08/02

I agree with Miss Information: You are sending the wrong signals. Whatever the case, just say, "No." Don't get so drunk that you don't remember that you made a promise!
--pjd
08/01

I don't know about "married," but I do find that when I have a GF, women tend to hit on me about ten times more than when I don't. Sometimes even without knowing my status either way. It's weird. But really, the guy's question is a non-problem. He can't say no? If he gives a shit about his wife more than his own indulgences, it's not exactly rocket science figuring out what he should do. No is easy. Marriage is what's hard.
--MW
08/01

I definitely agree..."my wife" is always good - when I hear it, it makes me feel happy that the person cares enough to say it! I talk about my fiancee constantly just because she is amazing - but when I meet a new person, I do make sure to mention her in the conversation fairly quickly. It's just polite for everyone concerned (like Miss Info said, no chance of hitting on someone unavailable).
--LM
08/01

One of my friends told me a couple of years back, if i wanted to get laid, all i had to do was go to a pawn shop and buy a ring, instantly grils would be all over me. they wouldn't be the grils i wanted, but if "you walk up to the bar, ask for a drink and then let your hand rest on the bar".... I told him I didn't want to get laid, I wanted a relationship. ok so maybe I lied:)
--mw
08/01

As a married man myself, I have observed that some women actually go out of their way to flirt with married men. Sometimes this is because the married man is 'safe.' You usually find those ones in places other than bars. At work or in non-singles-oriented social settings. Women who want to flirt with a guy but don't want it to go anywhere. Then there are women who specifically want to have sex with married men. Oh yes, they are out there. They want sex without the pressure of their partner seeking a real relationship from it. Sometimes women will do this as a rebound thing after a big break-up. I have several female friends who have practically made careers out of seducing married men for sport.
--JL
08/01

Also, sometimes it's hard to interpret things like this. I'm a single woman, and I realized at one point that I was extra friendly to married or taken men exactly because they were unavailable and seemed like a "safe" place to perch when I was interested in talking without parrying advances. Basically, 99% of people I meet are people I'm more interested in talking to than sleeping with, and it took the pressure off for sex to be off the table - no need to decifer motives, no worry that he was going to take my interest in his dissertation as a come-on, etc. (or at least so I thought - later, I realized that not everyone takes "taken" as literally as I do, which is why I'm writing all this in the past tense). The point is that though it looked a lot like flirting, I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with them, "stealing" them, etc. - in fact, just the opposite.
--EB
08/01

I agree with a lot of the feedback for the married guy. Another reason some women hit on married men is because they like to pluck forbidden fruit. To them, sometimes married men can be more attractive. "Darn, he's married. The good ones are all gone" type of logic. Maybe they hit on you because they know it won't go anywhere - all "harmless fun." If you don't steer away from these bars and clubs without your wife, then one day you may just succumb to these temptations. As many have suggested, don't even go to these social settings where people can hit on you, especially without your wife.
--CSC
07/31

Hey married guy - let's cut to your real problem: you're insecure and seek external validation. A better idea might be to do some self-discovery work in the method of your choice to find out why you've written to Erin with this "problem". If you were content with your marriage and with your life then I'd venture a guess that you wouldn't have written in at all.
--kfg
07/31

Erin, surely you've received more interesting and response-worthy advice solicitations than the girl asking about whether or not she should boot someone from her Facebook page... C'mon now - you're better than that.
--kfg
07/31

Hey married guy - - what you said to Miss Information is actually the perfect comeback to a come on. "Am I giving off some sleazy vibe that makes women think I'm a cheating fucktard?" Waggle your wedding-ringed finger for emphasis. If you ARE sending off some sleazy vibe, some woman will likely tell you. And if you're not, then all is good. But you might want to spend les time drinking around single available women when the wife isn't around. Just sayin'
--slm
07/31

This is a real thing. It has nothing to do with body lang. either... After I got married I had a rediculous amount of women flirting with me. I didn't change my flirtiness quocient overnight or change the number of bars I hang out in (none). The only thing that changed is now I wear a ring. I just concluded that some people are so afraid of a real relationship that they will only fawn over ones who couldn't possibly get together with. It's a lot safer than actually putting yourself on the line and taking a chance in a true relationship. It's also a lot more lonely.
--JK
07/31

For Peace of Mind: Married guy here. I'm not all that, and don't have to deal with come-ons to often, but they happen. Here's the lesson I've learned the hard way: If you're hanging out and the booze is flowing, it's a virtual imposibility that you're going to meet any girls that make for good platonic friend material... so who give's a shit if your rude to some strange chick. The only woman you should be concerned with not offending is your wife. Is this harsh? Maybe. But here's the flipside. The women who consciously go after men with rings view you as a conquest, and they know that your good manners are a roadway to your pants. They will abuse your nice-ness until you've had one too many drinks, and you're ready to make a bad decision. They can be ultra passive aggressive, and cunning (gee I tempted to throw a "t" in there). Do not give in to their techniques. Again, the only woman whose sensibilities you should be concerned about are your wife's, so don't be afraid about being rude to a strager. If she's a genuinely nice person who simply missed your ring, she'll be cool about it. If she's one of the other breed, you'll have saved yourself (and your wife) a ton of heartache.
--
07/31

Okay, first to girl who for some reason is flipping out about a random acquaintance switching her facebook crap in a way that has no impact on you whatsoever: uh, let it go. Second, to guy who gets hit on: Your letter struck a slightly odd note. Most guys who are committed don't run into this problem a lot, because they don't direct or open their energy toward other women in a "maybe, who knows..." kind of way. But the red flag was the casual, non-sequitor-ish admission that you like to drink. What? What is that code for? I think it's code for, "I spend a lot of time alone after work at the bar, where I'm available to talk to strange women while lubricated with alcohol." Not really sanctioned married-guy behavior, at least on a routine basis. If you like to drink, go home and fix a couple of martinis for you and your wife. When out without her, take a guy friend to the bar and treat any trolling women as curiosities toward whom your energy finds no purchase.
--nap
07/31

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