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Reader Feedback on "Miss Information"

Readers, what do you guys do when life hands you a bag of cat hair, cologne, and condoms? What practical or unusual techniques do you employ to sort out your emotional issues? I usually don't feel the need to answer your questions, but this was too good to pass up. I broke up with my insensitive, jealous, disrespectful 34 year old "let's get married" boyfriend in June. I was madly in love with his good qualities, but knew it couldn't last. I sprung it on him as nice as I could, broke his heart, and promptly moved to the middle of the woods in Maine so as to avoid any post break up sex, crying, or stalking incidents. Dating wasn't yet a good idea so, I rebounded with a neighbor's horse (not like that) who needed some training. My experience with horses had since been limited to pony rides and "ooo honey look at the horsey!" I spent several hours a day "training" an 800 pound Arabian with an attitude. I walked away with one concussion, two contusions, a severely bruised tail bone, and a funny walk. My friends feel this may have been a drastic move on my part. They would rather I stayed at home and drank away my sorrows. Instead I drank away my bruises and pain at the local bar/restaurant often enough to catch the eye of the owner. Now I have a badly behaved horse, a limp, AND a hot, wealthy, respectful 24 year old. I think my plan worked out just fine. RogueRider7@aol.com
--RR
09/04

I'm jumping in late to the column, but this sounds like some sort of "The Last Kiss" situation. While telling someone to watch a Zach Braff movie may seem like crazy advice, it did have a lot of valid points. I think your exgf reminds you of your youth and the crazy things you did/ I've been with the same guy since that time (except for a brief stint...) and we used to do things like have sex under pine trees on campus while walking back from class because OMG WE JUST COULD NOT WAIT! or something like that. I love him and we still have a sex life, but its not the same hormonal rage it used to be. Also, there are certain people who will turn you on sexually more than others, but maybe are not ideal to turn you on for the other parts of life, like partnership and communication and all those boring but essential things. I have a guy like that, who is still a friend, but when I see him I have these Carrie Bradshaw Having-sex-with-mr. big-flashbacks. I just have to remember that the full package I have with my current guy is better than the...um..."full package" of the other guy.
--slm
08/29

Getting married because you feel like you need to "grow up" is idiotic. Revel in the existential crisis: you've had the kick in the seat of the pants that's telling you to change your life for the better, on your own.
--AL
08/27

I am so thrilled to hear that there are others out there having late twenties E.C. Cake. And, more importantly, that it ends. Or we eat it all and it goes away. Or something like that.
--kt
08/27

I recommend that if your readers take psychadelic drugs they not date JFK. This is exactly what happened to Mary Pinchot Meyer, the most intrigueing women since neurons conspired a good while back. Look for new movie on this women soon. http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/JFKmeyerM.htm Seems like vapid CT? Check the many references from many different sources at the bottom of the thread.
--NJH
08/25

Time. Time takes care of it. Face how much it sucks, swallow it and then wait. That's worked for me every time. A little sad bitterness hidden away like that is part of the normal, complex adult psyche. It builds character and will give you something to write about one day.
--JL
08/24

--: I am hopelessly flattered. Most people either don't get or are underwhelmed by my writing. pm me. regards.
--TW
08/24

Wonderful. And the feed back is excellent as well. Probably your best column yet!
--XLS
08/24

being at a similar crossroads myself, I cannot recommend a ritualistic watching of "High Fidelity" enough. Funny that first a John Cusack character set the bar for totally unrealistic, fairy tale love in "Say Anything", now his character in "High Fidelity" gets to teach us how to survive the fact that we are probably never going to ever get that. Not sure if he will be tackling child rearing or ED next, but I will be waiting...
--ks
08/23

At this time in your life you're starting to wonder "is this it?" because the reality of adult life is starting to sink in. so you're using the ex and the relationship with her as a dream to how things could be if only you were with her. but the fact is that eventually you would start to feel life in the same way, "is this it? because it's the time in your life and not really the person you're with. when you were with your ex you didn't have any adult responsibilities and you probably never fully examined whether you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. with your girlfriend now you are in reality and you're starting to face and make decisions that are more lifelong or possibly lifelong decisions. maybe your current girlfriend is the one for you, maybe she isn't, but to compare her to a relationship you had when you were barely an adult is just an exercise in nostalgia. nostalgia is nice but it's not where you're living now. so look at what you have with her and see if you feel mostly happy 85% of the time. there's no guarantee anyway. i'd also say to make a list of the ten most important things to you when it comes to being with a partner. if she fits 8 of those 10 things then i'd say you have it pretty good. good luck.
--nm
08/23

tw: sir thomas carlyle, i love it! anyone who can dig up carlyle to rationalize one's reaction to a (very common) situation like this deserves some attention. wow.
--
08/23

Dazed and Confused: In a parallel universe, you would bang your ex, she would get interested, and then you would remember all the reasons that you weren't really that happy. Or actually, if you just banged her, things would clear up. It isn't going to happen, so you will just have to intellectually *know* it couldn't have been that great. However, you can't deal with this directly. Aside from relationships, you have a life. Focus on what is most important. Per Thomas Carlyle' "Our grandly business undoubtedly is, not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand." What you have seen at a distance is a mirage. When you are sitting quietly in a room with your current GF, do you feel good? If so, then don't compare her to an illusion. Don't make any big decisions -- just focus on what is clearly at hand.
--TW
08/22

I think it's in our nature to look back on a past relationship and just remember the good parts, to glorify it even, to make it seem better than now. Especially when what you are facing is a huge decision like marriage. While it is perfectly natural to hesitate a bit before making said decision, seeing an ex, and getting the news that they are getting married, wouldn't generally cause someone to get sick if they were happy themselves... I definitely think all those gigantic red flags are pointing to this guy waiting. If he decides to go through with it anyway...premarital counseling certainly wouldn't hurt.
--gr
08/22

Hi Erin: Loved your existential crisis cake! That was so funny and so right on the money--been there! Ah..... Cough. Cough. Sigh. It's nice to be able to laugh at it now, as opposed to back then. I both puked AND had insomnia, btw. Still don't think it's fair to have both. But thanks for letting me know I wasn't alone. Where were you...one, two...five years ago? Thank you. I love your column. I know how much it takes to do it so well. Keep writing. XOXOXOXOXOXO
--cb
08/22

i am in a similar situation... stable relationship, 4+ years. he has no desire to get married have kids etc, i do. i can deal with no marriage and kids are always something that can come with time, but i am just mystified as to whether he is 110% in love. if i knew that somehow, i would be fine. but he's a quiet guy, and oddly enough, i was his first girlfriend. i don't know if his way of showing he cares is just different, or if he just doesn't. i'll have a piece of cake, please.
--CLK
08/22

Dear Miss Information, Your Existential Crisis Cake is a classic recipe for a reason: it works! For me, when I was in the identical situation as the writer (well, same age, same very comfortable but not balls-to-the-wall love 4-year relationship, advice from all my friends to go for it because "this was as good as it gets"). It took 15 months of stewing before I woke up one morning and just knew my answer. I would rather live alone than with someone not 100% BTTW in love. I left and never looked back. Fast forward 2.5 years: I fell 110% in love. I recommend your recipe to all!
--MB
08/22

i agree that dazed and confused should wait on proposing. but i think he needs to remember that a) college love is different than late twenties love and b) someone who dumps you remains forever alluring and easy to "stay in love" with. college love happens in a world where everything is new and your horizons are opening: first time on your own, first trips to europe, first time having sex in your own apartment,etc. these are heady times, devoid of downers like financial responsibility, exhaustion, the realization that you're human and almost 30 and not where you thought you'd be in life. so in a way, there's no way this current GF could ever be your old GF b/c you're not the college you. also, if someone dumps you while you're still in young love, then you never get the time to find them annoying/infuriating/boring. which happens in any long term relationship sooner or later, it comes in waves, and then disappears and you get that young love feeling again.
--at
08/22

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