Ross Martin
Project Producer
Wild Life Preserve:
A Life's Work: Penis Collector
Dear Mr. Ross,
I thought I should take the time to inform you of some potentially groundbreaking, scientific information that relates to your recent story of The Icelandic Phallological Museum, Sigurdur Hjartson, founder.
Your article at [www.nerve.com] specifically mentions the aforementioned museum boasting a collection of 140 "specimens" on display that lacks only a human penis to complete its indiginous sample. The article goes on to mention a heretofor recognized doner for this "shortcoming" by the name of Pall Arason, "a famous Icelandic explorer and infamous ladies man." Might I suggest a larger, more prominent penis for display, upon condition of course he consents to his member being donated for said display upon his demise.
His name is Steve. We will forego the last name until such time he rises to the challenge of the issue involving donation of his most personal and private being for purposes of posterity.
I am certain Mr. Hjartson would consider "Steve" to be his "Crown Jewel" and reigning achievement of a lifeswork dedicated to the penises of the world! Steve would no doubt TOWER, head and shoulders above his collection, even the famed and mighty sperm whale penis weighing in at 75 kilos and standing (on its own?) 170 centimeters. I have yet to calculate the inches (somewhere near 90 I'm sure, but you must realize, there's more than one way in which to measure a penis!
I'm sure Steve's colleagues and underlings would agree to the last statement! After all, it must be a rare opportunity indeed to directly observe a sperm whale penis in action. But might I propose the extraordinarily rare and magnificent behaviors of the living, fully-functional and extended Steve Penis! I'm certain that nothing in Mr. Hjartson's previous experience could prepare him for the overwhelming and at times frightening display of raw power and volumenous verbal as well as anal activity of the Steve penis at work! Even his co-workers will run and hide from his monsterous manipulations!
If you require a photo, I'm sure an expedition could be put together with the appropriate funding and planning. Afterall, the Steve penis is not shy and will charge if provoked! This could involve anything from speaking at the wrong moment, saying just the wrong thing or God forbid, wounding the animal's pride by holding up a mirror and allowing it to see its fully, unsheathed and hideous self!
Please remit with instructions if you so desire a follow-up! Perhaps we have stumbled onto a new genus or species of penis unbeknownest to mankind until now!
Sincerely,
Eric Edwards, M.S., Animal Behaviorist
--ELE
02/07 |
