SPECIAL ISSUES

Reader Feedback on "Tell us what you think about open marriage"

oh my god, reading some of these comments in this web site has just shattered my childhood dreams of marraige-true love, growing old together and nuturing a family. however it seems that marraige is just good head,dropin a few children on the way,the best way to get away with cheating on your partner (that you promised to love and honer till death do you part?!!!!)and a costly divorce.so why do we bother?and are there still people out there that actualy want a loving and happy marraige?it seems not!!
--R.h
11/04

My "partner" will indeed open up a can of uncertainty and confusion in folks. I agree that marriage is an "institution" that does not benefit anyone. Children/women are abused under this "institution" and nobody seems to care, or care enough. All hail the dysfunctional silent family pain ! Open marriage seems more logical/biologically sane, no matter what the sexes. If 2 humans can thrive..together... and nurture others..Hey keep on keepin' on...
--MdB
09/10

I feel if people want an open marriage, they shouldn't be married. Marriage is about a commitment to MONOGAMY. No, it's not outdated. If you want to have your 3 or four relationships, you should never have been married.
--MM
09/03

In theory, 'open marriage' is a good idea. But what ever happened to jealousy? Can you honestly not feel jealous when your spouse spends more time with their 'friend' than with you? When you want to feel the closeness that comes with being in love and there's a third, or fourth, or fifth person present? Where do you draw the line? One 'friend', two, more? What ever happened to monogamy being a good thing. You choose one person for life, and sex is a big part of life. Maybe you should just choose one person for sex as well. Are you that unhappy with just one person that you have to have more? maybe the person you chose wasn't the right person to start with. And what do you tell your children? Mommy and Daddy love each other and are together in the way only mommies and daddies can be, but yet we are the same way with other people? That's a little confusing. A friend of mine says it's okay only if children aren't brought into it, yet her parent in-laws are involved in an 'open' relationship, yet what does she tell her children? Nothing yet, but soon they'll be old enough to ask the questions. I am young, 20 years old, I am not married, but I know I wouldn't want my boyfrined to have sex with someone else. If he has a sexual need, I should be the one to help him with that, that's what a committed relationship is about, being there to offer help and support in every aspect of life. My point being, I don't know whether I agree with it or not. I could never do it because I do have a jealous bone, a rather big one when it comes to sex, but maybe 'open' isn't bad, just very complicated and confusing; and I'm not sure society as a whole, or even just the liberal side of society, is ready for it.
--ALW
08/06

Seems more natural in theory, but very tricky. Why bother getting married if you want to fuck other people?
--Amy
08/03

Nice idea hard to pull off
--SWJG
07/19

My wife and I, who will observe our 25th anniversary next year, are involved actively in what outsiders would call the swingers lifestyle. Outsiders (and even many insiders) don't appreciate the diversity within this subculture. We're like Ozzie and Harriet, down to the two scrubbed children and the picket fence, with a slightly different sexual attitude. Within our niche, which probably represents a minority, the horizontal aspect with other couples is the technical centerpiece. However, what's more important is the vertical aspect. These couples are our dear friends. Extramartial sex is the appetizer while intramarital sex is the entree: the former certainly enhances the latter. I would speculate that, 50 years from now, this country will look back and wonder about all the fuss surrounding extramarital sex. A more realistic attitude toward extramarital sex probably would reduce the divorce rate.
--PA
07/01

yujh
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06/30

i am bisexual, i love women and men. i hope when i come out that everyone will still like me. People should be able to marry whom they want without any problems.
--c
06/25

I think that the old style open marriage, maybe the group family model is a bit hard to do. Take monogamy, with its problems and then multiply that by a factorial and stick everyone in the same building and then start subtracting time needed for work and children. If your releationship skills are shaky with one person, expect polyamory to be a boot camp for tap dancing on the roof a high speed train.. Do I love multiple partners and the passion wonder of people cooperating and interacting erotically, you bet. I just think that for myself in 2004 the tribe model or network model works better than the commune model. I think the best marriage/partnership, (mono group or otherwise) has to be open to all possibilities and that the commitment has to be a committment to work together to adapt to the changes which naturally arise with total honesty and love...
--tc
06/16

I am a wife, and I would not accept my husband being with another woman in any way. My husband will go to the strip clubs or look at playboy mags but, he always comes home to me. As a wife I would not do anything with another man either.
--ac
06/16

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06/16

Sometimes you've just gotta let go of the "happy, yet never boring" relationship gossip. Like Chris Rock says in "Never Scared", 'you have two choices in life, either you're married and bored, or single and lonely'". He's kinda right, all great relationships are boring, especially if you feel like your partner should be more than what they are, and you don't feel like you're getting everything you need out of your relationship. My hubby n' I have been married for almost 9 years...9 years, i repeat! And we've never gone more than 3 days without havin' a lil slap n' tickle, but even though we were satisfied sexually, there has always been an understanding that he and I were not going to be the last ones we ever played with. That idea never sounded right to me, and I always observed the fatality of the traditional binding. Granted, my first "relationship" with a man is now my hubby, and considerin' I got married at 17, and he was 27, I suppose my theories on openness were fueled partly by that. But, through our 9 year relationship, I'm 25 now, we've been open to the inherent psychology of "cheating". We've bypassed those harder emotions by opening our relatioship up to men and women. We get the carnal urges out by playing with others, mainly together, but lately separately. This seperation is because we've introduced a new theory into our relationship: Loving another person. I suppose polyamory is the correct term, but considering my hubby n' I still have the desire to be intimate with eachother, i trust the broader term suffices. Our new "Loves" have been married for almost 10 years, they have two kids, and are still in love with eachother, except that now I'm in love with her husband too, and she's in love with my hubby. The best and the worst part about this is the "gettin' on the same page with two other people". When it happens, it's the best feeling ever, when it doesn't, it's causes a lot of pain. But because we've been commited to our marriages, as they once were, the openness and the commitement to make this work urges us to solve the situation. Because now it's not just our new relationships at stake, it's our marriage as we once knew it, since it would be too difficult if not impossible to be married as we once were. The new ingredient has marinated itself into our new favorite dish, with no way of seperating the sauce from the pasta. I don't think this lifestyle is for everyone, mainly because it's a way of thinking that goes against popular opinion about fundamental and traditional unions. I suppose it takes the kind of person who's been able to appreciate religion, yet doesn't fear self expression and good intentions. I can't imagine life without my boyfriend, even the urge to tell him I'd love to marry him still spring in my mind from time to time. Although it's not possible, officially, the feelings are the same, and I don't fear them. I love to love him, and I love to love my hubby, doin' one doesn't mean the loss of the other, and that makes me feel secure and happy about my future with my marriage and bymarriage.
--MG
06/16

I love who I love. My heart is big & I want lots of beloveds in my life. This may threaten the status quo but who cares. Many would be afraid that polyamory is sounding the death knell to modern society as we know it. I hope so! Monogamy is fine for some but it has not resulted in better marriages. If I want a sexual relationship with someone other than my mate, I sit down & talk about it with her. If she wants the same, we talk about it. Yes jealosy may come up but if we communicate our needs & desires openly then our relationship is based on freedom & appetite & not control & fear of losing our object of pleasure.
--rt
06/15

I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have been together for 8. We have been poly for all that time. We are hopeing to someday move into a house whith his girlfired, her huband, and his girlfrind. I would also like to have my boyfriend there, but his primary grilfriend and her husband live in Canada and there may be immigration issues. And here is the point. Yes poly is a long way from being recognised in any form, and I have no idea how we'd do it anyhow, but in the meantime, how do poly folks mannage leagal issues that would be easy for norms. Another frined of mine just lost his job because his household's infant daugther has been ill and he was staying home to watch her. Family medical leave act won't apply since legally he is only a roomate. Don't know where this is going, but it's going to be a issue someday....
--DKS
06/11

I've floated this idea to a lot of my married friends, and the initial scoffing and harumphing indicates a great fear. Then they leap right to "that means fucking anything that moves!"- It's such a simple, true, and good idea, that people will resist it until it's proven that it can work, which I think it can. Many tribes in many wonderful civilizations shared the duties of raising children, lovemaking, and tending the home, and all quite well. Our puritanical society is limited, and the strain is starting to show- open marriage may be the only way to actually save the outdated and archaic institution.
--e.
06/10

Great Idea
--HB
06/10

I will say one more thing. The plural of "spouse" is "spice!" :)
--KP
06/09

Polyamorous people don't want to destroy the concept of monogamous marriage. If a person and their partner choose to be monogamous (monamorous?), that is their sovreign right, and it's a fine thing to do. If a person and their partner(s) choose to be polyamorous, that is *also* their sovreign right, and it's *also* a fine thing to do. You don't have to be poly if you don't want to. But just as I, as a polyamorous person, don't scoff at a monogamous person for their relationship choice, I ask that monogamous people do me the same courtesy.
--KP
06/09

What an excellent article (Multi-Player Option)! My Husband and I have been married (actual justice of the peace, licensed marriage) for close to 11 years now. We have, in the past year, expanded our family to include a girlfriend (whom we share) and her children. Our daughter is thrilled to have older siblings and our families have merged together beautifully. We have made a commitment to each other, all three of us. "Tell us what you think about open marriage" - I think it's better than cheating! Isn't it the only good way for a bisexual to meet their full interests? I don't think it is for everyone, by any means, but it works for us. Everyone has to make their own rules, set up their lives in a way that works for them. I consider us to be Polyfidelitous. We do not "hook-up" or date outside of our family without discussion with everyone else in the relationship first. How can *more* love be a bad thing? It takes lots of work, but doing the work just shows how committed we each are to making the relationship(s) last.
--JRJ
06/09

I'm relatively young, 23 years old, but I just don't feel connected to this way of thinking. I don't know if marriage is antiquated or not, but the idea of sharing a sexual partner is a bit extreme for me. Maybe some people are only able to really trust one person at a time. As in Real Trust. As in "Please don't rip apart my heart and leave me bleeding in the street because I have let myself become that vulnerable to you" kind of trust. I doubt that is something you will find in abundance in these alternative relationships.
--EM
06/08

why make up a crazy greek conjunction for plain ole catting around. If you don't feel guilty for lusting in your heart why make up words for it? de gustabus -DP
--DFP
06/08

I'm a 40 year old man, and really just now coming to my identity as polyamorous. As many others have said, mutual respect, and excellent communication are essential elements of any committed relationship. For myself, polyamoury is the ability to love more then one other person, and be honest about that to all concerned. Each person brings a wonderful array of gifts and qualities, great sex, nurturing, handy with tools, good cook, or organizer, people you would want to have around. Also as others have said, new ideas, sexual skills, and a much greater openness to talk about what you want from relationship come with poly. Answering the phone and saying, "honey, its your boyfriend" can be jarring at first. It takes a lot of trust, to accept your partners decisions on who and how they choose to be intimate with others. I think a lot of poly folks have a vision of having a "closed" committed relationshio involving several people someday, and a lot of them move through a more then a few partners along the way. I will add that poly people dating mono (monongamous) people can be really tough, if you think you can "convert" a mono person who hasn't come to a poly identity on there own, be prepared to go through some drama! ps I've never actually read nerve, just popped over from link on boingboing.
--DH
06/08

First off let me just say the term "Open" in anything is nothing. What kind of marriage is it when it leaves the option to fool around. You might as well call it what it is "Legalized Prostitution". I am sure it makes sense to some, but what a crock! Marriage was first set by God and now its becoming a sham! Sad really just sad. The moral values have been diluted and we wonder why our kids are so screwed up?
--SC
06/08

I find the term "open marriage" quite oxymoronic, considering the present definition of marriage. I also think the concept of an open marriage and the parallel idea of the inadequacy of monogamy to be a function of our self-oriented and selfish society. The safety and stability of marriage without the commitment and compromise and sacrifice is rather indicative of people's desire to have the best of everything all the time and to cut and run when life gets complicated.
--jbh
06/07

Considered, an open marriage works, it is amazing and wonderful to think about. Probalbly, both partners in such relationships would have to be very good in making his or her partner feel loved and disered and respected and beeing a source of fulfillment if there�s always or from time to time anotherone who he or her has sex with, even sex combined with some kind of �friendship�, and caring, or love. It�s easy to fall into that self-distructive circle of thinking you�re somehow not good enough. There are all kinds of pretty temtations out there, shiny girls and boys, sexual practises your partner doesn�t like or even that you wouldn�t want to force your partner into, or sex for just some money, or the often-talked-about threesome or just someone �different� to escape from some kind of normality or boredness. And as one Nerve reader wrote, every once in a while you get a strong urge to hit the slopes! To give yourself AND your partner the freedom and the right to experience sex with others seems to be a proper way to get out of the trap of blaming one�s partner for getting unfulfilled or bored oneself. Well, I had some kind of open relationship some time ago. And sex with others, both on my and my girlfriends side, has definitely enriched our sexual life in that time. First, because we got more experienced (like your are more experienced if you had previous sex partners when beginning a relationship than if you hadn�t had sex before). Second, because having sex with others gave us things we were missing in our relationship. And that forced us into discussing what we ore one of us missed. So we had to talk about our ways how we wanted to have sex more clearly, more �open�, and more open for the truth, that someone else could give us, what the partner didn�t, couldn�t or didn�t want to. Maybe we were lucky, because we found out, that we both wanted to fulfill our partners sexual needings ourselfes and decided to work on it � both, and in exchange. In this case, sex with others didn�t kill our relationship, it wasn�t to hard to deal with, and it held benefits in its hands. But in fact, it wasn�t easy either. It didn�t increase me self-image when my partner seemed to need sex with someone else cause she was not satisfied with me in any respect; and I realized pretty soon that it didn�t increase my partner�s self-image, or make her feel more loved and desired by me, when I �lived out� my sexual needs or curiosity or whatever with others. And there�s another thing to deal with: as another reader wrote, you cannot manage other people�s feelings. What if the �others� request more space, more time, fall in love or whatever. In our case, they did. We slightly drifted in some kind of mess and stress. The enjoyable part was well paid by both of us. And additionally, the joy of sexual adventures passes fastly, and sometimes it�s not half as enjoyable as one thougt or dreamed of it would be. Well, that was some time ago. I�m 35 now. For me personal, I come back to the subject of �nonmonogamy� from time to time. I�m living a blissful partnership with a wonderful lady since one and a half years, sexually exclusive from start till this very moment. It has never been really hard to do without some actual temptations. But sometimes it�s not easy to deal with thougts like �Never again ...� So the question still remains. And like another Nerve reader wrote, I also am �curious to find out how many �successful� open marriages there are out there. Hey NERVE, hurry up with those survey findings!� (EK, 05/26) Maybe there�s a suxxessful way of both ways, marriage (and serious relationships as well) combined with �openness� instead of either-or. But it seems to take very strong, stable personalities to wear it out � and nobody is strong and stable all the time. The more you are secure and fulfilled and thankful in your relationship, the more it would work to open it to other experiences; the more you are secure and fulfilled and thankful in your relationship, the less you would need other experiences. And eventually get the full bundle of blessings an �exclusiv� (what could be the opposite of �cheap�) partnership has to offer. There�s a saying that the more you love or worship a way of living you do not choose, the more you ennoble or enriche the way of living you choose.
--StV
06/06

I've met two couples that had open relationships. They called them 'open' but the first time one of their cohorts took advantage of their openess, their marriage was over in less than a few months. If you want to have an open marriage, then, why get married? It seems to negate the point of being married. If someone ever told me that an open marriage or even open relationship was something they might consider I would stop considering them.
--JO
06/05

It's OK as long as it's open, honest and mutual!
--df
06/05

After reading everyone's opinions on the matter, I think only a few have nailed it on the head. Until you become fully responsible for all your actions and are willing to accept that responsibility with humility, you will never be happy in a Traditional or Open marriage. Period.
--efm
06/05

I think as long as everyone can be honest and respectful to everyone else, and themself, it can be very enriching. If you have a primary partner, your interations with other people remind you of all the things that you love about him/her. If you have the capacity (note that I didn't say maturity) to not go through guilt and/or jelousy, then I am all for it. It reminds you that you are attractive, maybe it keeps you attractive. I don't know, its not for everybody.
--SMR
06/05

think good really not a substantial answer.. in any case why not J P
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06/04

I've never been in an open marriage -- though, I've been married -- however, I have been in open relationships. The truth is, anything "open" is not for the faint of heart. Because what happens is that many doors are left open. On purpose. Freedom is key. Even if you've found someone you love, in an open relationship what happens is that your heart is open to loving other people as well. As well. Anyone who enters an open relationship thinking that the "core" or "main" love is the most important love is deluding themselves. Personally, I think/believe/feel that loving only one person is insane anyways because it is just not possible. (we all have our flirtations and fantasies) However, what you choose to do about where your body goes is another matter. Somehow the idea of RESPECT seems to have become lost in the equation of relationships these days.
--SR
06/04

Initially I thought it was a good idea... after all, given the news about marriage success rates, it follows that a little openness goes a long way in preventing deception. Most marriages fail because of infidelity and the root of the infidelity is the feeling that one party has been deceived by the other. The idea of an open relationship then removes the element of deception. How wrong I was. Over a month ago, my fiance kissed another woman, a co-worker. He had confided in her that I was toying with the idea of an open marriage. Well, you can imagine. This woman took advantage of this ambiguity in our relationship. And so did my fiance. He admitted this to me a couple of weeks after it had happenned. Needless to say, our relationship is CLOSED. I have learned the hard way that while it's easy to manage casual sex amongst strangers and swingers, an open marriage where "friends" have sex with each other is an invitation to disaster. You can't manage other people's feelings. And you can't say that sharing the intimacy between a married couple and a third party strengthens the marriage... it just dilutes it and provides an outlet for otherwise unhappy individuals. If you've reached a point where you have fallen out of love with your mate, you should not have married in the first place. It sounds cruel but the reason why marriages end in divorce isn't because monogamy itself is at fault... it is because both husband and wife were not right for each other. The only things swinging add to a marriage are the risk of an unwanted child, an STD and ambiguous and hurt feelings. No thanks. My parents have been married 41 years, have always been faithful to each other and STILL have sex. If they can do pull it off, so can I.
--MAGK
06/03

One day I asked myself, "What if this life I'm living was MY life? How would I create it?". I love my wife (of 17 years), I love my life. For what good was I giving up flirting with my female friends? To keep from embarassing my wife. So one time when we could both flirt, and she wasn't embarassed we starting having sex with another couple. A year later we both love the extra luscious sex that we both get, and I love seeing both families blossoming into a life where "You can have what you want if you have the courage to say you want it, and others see it as an opportunity". It has taken a while to let go of being the victim, saying "I can't have it because of her". Now that I/we have given that up in the area of romance, we're both (actually all four of us) are blossoming in our careers, and our kids are all doing significantly better in school. I see that we're being powerful in the area of having what we want in life: giving up pretending that our spouses are the reason we don't have what we want. I recommend open marriage for anybody with courage, or who wants to develop courage. Courage to let go of blaming your spouse for you not having what you want in life. For 17 years I have been an expert in blaming my wife--and I am giving it up. Again and again.
--PF
06/03

Nothing is certain in this World, so it seems. So therefore I would encourage people to try out what ever they may want to, so long as they are willing to bear the concequences. That is reponsibility. By being responsible one's own action an individual can learn and grow from it. Without that you'll end up with bunch of clueless kids hurting themselves over and over without any gain. Life is just one big experiment that each of us has the switch to make it happen......
--SY
06/02

Open Marriage? Why get married? The whole idea around marriage is the committment to one person, for better or for worse. If you want threesomes and side action, don't get hitched. It's that simple. We've all had our wild one night stand, drunken, same sex experimenting (or embracing), wake up in a pile of bodies, days, but when you say the "M" word, it's the final act of loyalty that means you give up all the shennannigans, and give yourself to your chosen fiance willingly, completely, and monogomously!
--BAM
06/01

The foundational principle of marriage is love and sacrifice of partners to each other. If marriage is to be open, which I would very much desire, it will be based on friendship. Friendship requires only trust and loyalty of the partners. It does not require nor preclude sacrifice, which can be offered freely and not as a matter of obligation. We as a society pursue marriage as the epitome of love hardly ever achieving that ideal. At the same time we really devalue friendship, which in my opinion is a sufficient basis of economically productive as well as intimate relations between people. Promoting friendship will promote open marriage. But that will only be available to people who don't lie and are not interested in abusing others. I am OK with being in a minority. The majority needs to be held in a grip of dutiful monogamy.
--tg
05/31

People, People: Open Marriage is at its core, the same as "Traditional" Marriage, in that they only work (as those who KNOW will agree), if both partners are open, self-actualized people. Self-actualization in a nutshell means that you can honor, respect, protect and provide for yourself physically, emotionally and financially. If you have not grown to be that person, or if you have had the misfortune of joining with an immature, close-minded, petulant he-child or she-child who witnessed little or no romantic love in childhood, who hasn't the slightest IDEA how a marriage should and could work, whose starved and feeble mind can only conceive of marriage as presented in childhood fairytales, soap operas or celebrity news, then...your marriage, Open, Traditional or otherwise will fail SPECTACULARLY. Period. (Notice I didn't say it will end because I have heard all sorts of silly reasons people stay in failed marriages...I'm sure all of you have as well.) "Working at it" does not seem to be an issue, because I think any reasonably intelligent person knows that in order to get good at anything, you have to work on it. Being successful at gardening, baseball, fitness, cooking, driving, whatever...even being in a good, strong marriage doesn't just "happen." You can't just damn neglect working on it and expect anything out of it. It takes time and effort, unlike fairy tales, soap operas and celebrity news lead we the people (Americans) to believe. > The preceding was brought to you by a never-married 34-year-old product of a spectacularly failed three year marriage. I was 2-1/2 when my amazingly immature parents separated. To this day, neither of them ever got their shit together, neither owns a home, nor have pensions, nothing. Nothing. Yet, they thought it was a good idea to get married in 1971, 1-1/2 years after I was born. Oh, yeah...they couldn't get married right away because he was already married...and no, my mother, a 22 year old virgin didn't have any idea that I was actually my father's 4th child until his 5th and 6th children (my brother and a half brother) were born six months apart in 1972. Do the math. The end-fight happened a short time before my 3rd birthday. I remember it pretty clearly. > Now, you can take all this bullshit about the superiority of Traditional Marriages over other forms of marriage and shove it. The statistics and my own empirical observation prove pretty clearly that the vast majority of those who engage in the institution of Marriage fail miserably to take it very seriously. Despite rhetoric and dogma to the contrary, Traditional Marrieds do NOT have a lock on what it takes to make a life long committed relationship survive--HAPPILY. Everyone's seen the bitter 75 and 78 year old couple bickering in the grocery market--or at your own Family holiday dinner table, or you've seen married people who never touch and don't even like to be in the same room with one another. What, I ask you is so GREAT about that? It is Traditional and goes "by the Book," but does it really work? A 60% divorce rate in my state (CA) says (hell) no. Not on those terms and not with the current given set of circumstances.
--rw
05/31

Open marriage is a real bad idea for most folks. If you're married, you should be satisfied with who you have. An open marriage means at least one person is still hunting around elsewhere for selfish reasons. Some folks - perhaps a lot - do have open marriages, but it's not for me.
--D
05/30

gets tricky with periodic 3-way sex romps
--dp
05/29

for BL and others who feel this is good for couples, what about that third person you kissed. how does that third party fit into strenthening your relationship? what's in store for him or her? this feedback focuses on how two people can agree to live in an open relationship, but what about the others.
--
05/28

Some form of openness in a committed relationship seems practical. But I'm wondering how to do it in a respectful and emotionally honest way.
--RCH
05/28

I think an open marriage can work for some couple's but not all you must be very confident about your relationship,your sexuality etc.And if both partners possess that then sky's the limit.
--N.S
05/28

So many people are under the illusion that monogamy works. Statistics prove it doesn't. So the divorce rate soars. My husband and I started off monogamous - that is until he fooled around with a friend of mine... I was furious. It made me want to 'be' with someone else. But then I started to realize that being with someone out of revenge would not be satisfying. However thinking about the possibility of sharing a sexual experience with another started to become appealing to me. Would I want my relationship with my husband to inhibit that opportunity... no. So I discussed it with him, I realized that being with another person was not going to change my relationship with him. We have made a life long commitment to each other and that is what matters. Who am I to stop him from sharing a physical relationship with someone that he cares to. Time has passed and he has had a few relationships. Quite honestly it has charged up our sex life. Strengthened our relationship, and neither of us feel strangled. And me... well, I kissed someone for the first time the other night... hmmm... I came home that night and had the BEST sex I've had with my husband in a long time.
--BL
05/28

If both partners agree to explore that option carefully without harming self or others, I think it is acceptable, just not for my adult kids or for me! Intellectually I can accept it, emotionally I have a problem with it.
--JZ
05/28

Only worthwhile if the sex is much better, i.e., much more fellatio and cumming in the mouth.
--mstb
05/27

I'm the only child of parents who had an open marriage. I say "had" because they seperated when I was 12 and divorced when I was fifteen. They both remarried and have been in exclusive relationships with their new spouses of 13 years and are infinitely happier people. I'm about to be married to an incredible man in less than sixty days and the thought of an open marriage is completely unappealing to me. I didn't grow up in a happy house. I think back on my parents marriage and I remember a couple that I never witnessed kissing passionately. Although, they did have a sex life, I have no idea if it was satisfying to either of them. My mother has told me that she had several lovers and my father had at least one during their marriage. They were old flower-children and political activits who struggled against the repressive families (and culture)they were raised in. Their idea of marriage, I think, was that of societal obligation rather than a strong personal desire to give, to love, to grow, to journey with someone. I believe they were both very busy doing what each wanted to do, regardless of how it would affect the other or me. They are members of the "me generation" to the hilt and are still struggling to learn to be less selfish. I'm thinking they weren't mature enough, realistic enough, truly giving, to make an open marriage work. The "open" part was an easy out for them because, ultimately, they didn't really like or respect each other. I know of young couples with open marriages and I'm always deeply suspicious that they don't really like each other, don't really want that person to be their fellow-traveler, their familiar. But I'm jaded and experienced open marriage through the eyes of a somewhat neglected child. I have to admit that I am curious, like an earlier writer, to find out how many "successful" open marriages there are out there. Hey NERVE, hurrry up with those survey findings!
--EK
05/26

I don't understand why people think they can make a pronouncement that applies to everyone. Obviously oepn marriages will work for some and won't work for others, and you have to decide and find out for yourself.
--dude
05/26

My husband has already sent in a response, but I thought I'd add my two cents worth. We've been married going on 13 years, and have an amazing relationship. We are soul mates in every sense of the word, and true partners in life... not just in marriage. Communication has been a HUGE key to the success of our marriage. People frequently comment on our affection for one another, envy the way we can talk about everything, and that we still find each other as physically enticing as ever. Over the last 6 months we have begun to bring others into the sexual side of our relationship, but it is something we are doing together; sharing the experience. How many couples out there can say in all honesty that they haven't fantasized about indulging in a threesome or other sexual group scenario? It was a fantasy we've discussed numerous times throughout our marriage, but only more recently taken steps to actually fulfil. The result has been astounding! It has created a whole new element to our sexuality that has helped us grow even closer, while developing intimate friendships with other couples that goes well beyond sex. Our social life has been reborn... an amazing thing once you've had children and had your life change to revolve around the little ones. I will fully agree that open relationships are not for every couple. You must have a very strong relationship to start with, both be equally interested in persuing the experience (not one person of the couple pulling the other one along), have the common desire to be looking to enhance the relationship rather than (perhaps even subconciously) be looking to replace it, and EXTREMELY well honed communication skills. It certainly isn't a foray for those people who are jealous by nature, and you must choose those you play with carefully to avoid those who are doing this for the wrong reasons. Is it a phase? Maybe... But I suspect it is more like any other social activity. We will enjoy it for a while, then life will get busy and we'll move on to other things... but I wouldn't be surprised if it goes in and out of our lives periodically. And that is okay... Because it doesn't define us as a couple, and our marriage isn't based on it. But just like a ski bunny... every once in a while you get a strong urge to hit the slopes!
--CR
05/26

My wife of 12 years and I just recently (6 months ago) began to "open" our marriage. Why? To recharge things, to revisit urges that we both have denied, and to have new experiences that we can discuss and even share. The result? We have never talked more openly as we have now, and we've met some great new friends. Is it a phase? Probably. But we both realized that sex and love, while related, are not one and the same. It may not be for everyone, but for us, at this point in our marriage, it is working...
--MSR
05/26

Who are all these people who know so much about how open marriage works or doesn't in practice? I travel in pretty liberal circles, and I know of only a few open relationships. Which are doing just fine, by the way. Has anybody got stats on how often open relationships blow-up, as compared with similar `closed' ones?
--sbs
05/26

sex and frisbee. huh???? this guy is nothing but horny and confused
--BC
05/26

You want more than one child? Well won't the other children get jealous? What if you have gone off to coach Jane's hockey team and Joan wants to spend time with you? What is she supposed to do? You can't have non-identical loving relationships with more than one child. Wait, you want to have a close relationship with more than one family member? You can't expect the others to accept that. It's just immature and dishonest. Just make up your mind already and pick either your grandmother or your uncle or your cousin. You can't care for all of them. You can't have more than one friend! How would you have time for more than one? Are you going to do different kinds of activities with each? Won't Jack feel betrayed if Joe comes along to your yoga class? Why is it that when we are talking about non-romantic love it seems that the more people you care about the more you are capable of loving others. But as soon as sex is involved in the relationship an additional person means you have less for the first. Maybe it is healthier if my spouse and I don't do every single last thing together. I'm quite capable of scheduling my time and it is worth the effort. If we're talking about strictly sexual relationships that aren't loving then who cares? Sex isn't love. It's sex. Like everything else it is more fun to do with someone you care about. But that's it. Is it cheating if I play frisbee with some stranger I have just met? Of course, there are consequences to sex so you owe it to your partner to make sure everything is happily agreed upon and out in the open.
--vny
05/26

Ah yes, open marriage, polyamory or what ever folks are calling it these days, is like communism; it looks good on paper but rarely if ever survives in the real world. There are a large number of problems with the open marriage idea, some are societal (the 'ick' factor) others are inherent in a multi-person relationship. There is the jelousy aspect, no matter what after a while most people get fed up with their spouce getting nailed by the neighbor. There are others as well but most of it is immature and does not help people mature. Marriage can be really frustrating, but it can also be an engine for growth. Marriage helps us make peace w/ disenchantments, demands and the ordinary life. Our generation is drawn to marriage because it offers us stability, something that we need. marriage should also teach us to trust that the person we love, and who loves us will be there for us when we are unsexy, sick or dying. Open marriage is about trust, the same way that reality TV is about reality.
--Hank
05/25

I am about to enter an open marriage, and I am (of course) very optimistic, because this is what we really want, it has worked for us so far (we have had various other lovers and I have one now), and we know a number of long-married couples who have made it work. Really, we wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, monogamy will always be appealing to many, perhaps most people, some with more misgivings than others. I think that open marriage may become more popular in the future, but it will continue to be the choice of a minority -- and, unfortunately, will perhaps remain less popular than having illicit affairs.
--HJT
05/25

Seems like a good idea, but then all ideas are just that, the projection of thought from a limited past. In theory open marriage may work, but what of all the complexities... "I've just had an aweful row with Joanne, April I'm need to see you". "Sorry John, I'm with Frank and I don't want to leave him just yet." One simple problem leading onto other simple problems leading to one hell of a mess. Na, I think it's tough enough relating fully to just another person rather than getting all tangled up with others too. I know I'm talking from the experience of only some 30 odd years, but I like to deepen my commitment and relationship with my wife rather than cop out and live more superficially with lots of wives or partners or whatever I honestly don't feel the need for more than one partner and I feel that our relationship reflects upon the way we interact with our other friends... our deepness reaches outward, but our passion is totally fulfilled by each other without the need for extras. We both discussed open relationships, etc, before getting hitched and after 14 years of being together, we still feel the same. Maybe some folks do need extra partners, but I can't think why, I know this may be interpretted wrongly, but doesn't it bring dishonesty into the relationship. As I mentioned earlier, won't one or more partner feel left out. Say Suzy wants to have sex with Dave, but Dave's with Jane who's not into threesomes. So what's Suzy to do? Go off to the local disco or singles bar for a quick fling. Hell, what's the point, I ask myself? Maybe I just too conservative, but then again, maybe not. Thanks for reading and considering my point of view, Eddie.
--EMac
05/25

Open marriage works fine for some people but doesn't work at all for others. I think that non-monogamy is a valid choice, but it has to be a choice that both people in the relationship actually agree with. If two people want to be married and have that legal and spiritual bond, but also want to have sex with others, more power to them. They'd have to be very open minded and secure to make it work.
--MK
05/25

I think open marriage is a perfectly viable choice. My marriage is not about sex. That isn't to say that my spouse and I do not engage in sex; it just isn't the reason we are married. We are married because in Canada my spouse has greater rights and responsibilities towards our future children than if he is "merely" the biological father. There are also other benefits to be had such as ensuring that we can visit each other should one of us end up in the hospital. It is also an inexpensive way to form a legal agreement that shares all our properties. Other people may get married for any of a number of reasons most of which don't really have anything to do with sex. I have different kinds of relationships with different people. Sometimes these relationships involve some kind of sexual exchange, but never with out the consent and knowledge of the full situation by all parties. It isn't for everyone, but it is a perfectly functional choice. My spouse and I have been together for 8 years now. (We're in our late 20s).
--VNY
05/25

Why bother getting married at all? What, for legal reasons? So you get 50/50 when you split? It's a bit of a mystery to me why anyone would bother and not just have an open relationship that one or the other partner could back out of if/when an open marriage becomes too much to deal with. Call me oversimplifying the situation, and lots of you will, but it seems to be living a lie. My parents have had a genuinely happy marriage for nearly 50 years, quite a bit of an anomaly these days. Most people have absolutely no concept of the meaning of this incredibly strong, stable union because they either come from divorced parents or parents who stayed together with shitty marriages wasting time and making their lives and their kids lives hell. I know this from talking to the larger majority of my friends and acquaintances who've told me their stories. I saw, and see the good side of it all. I would never bother with an open marriage; it seems to defeat the whole purpose.
----c
05/25

Very few aren't, even if they are not "openly" open...
--CGH
05/24

"Open is the reverse of CLOSED,so should be alwais preferred. Open means give your partner same freedom you want." - GMF I agree 100%. Giving your partner the same freedom you want is the way to go. I want the freedom to make my own money, to stay home while you go out, or go to a movie while you stay home, read what I want and recommend it to you only to see you never pick it up. I want freedom from lies and dishonesty, but also freedom from you sharing your sexual self with other people. As long as you both talk and agree, whatever idea of mariage that you come up with that works for you, is good. What more can you ask for, really?
--MP
05/24

Open is the reverse of CLOSED,so should be alwais preferred. Open means give your partner same freedom you want. Open is Loving in a greater way,just let her/him enjoy Open is the Answer against DIVORCE..you get the advantage for free. Open is better,LIFE is so SHORT. Open gives others chances to feel not alone Open is the Only Survival Strategy of Marriage Open is My Choice..it works since 1974.. Open is easy, no need to lie and feel guilty.
--GMF
05/24

Open is the reverse of CLOSED,so shoul be alwais preferred. Open means give your partner same freedom you want. Open is Loving in a greater way,just let her/him enjoy Open is the Answer against DIVORCE..you get the advantage for free. Open is better,LIFE is so SHORT. Open gives others chances to feel not alone Open is the Only Survival Strategy of Marriage Open is My Choice..it works since 1974..
--GMF
05/24

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