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I’m a fifteen year old boy from Fairfield, CT. A few weeks ago, one of my classmates came out and told us that he’s gay. He’s a nice kid but now I think he’s checking me out every time I see him. Should I tell the principal about what this kid is doing?
– Checked Out in Fairfield
Dear CHECKED OUT,
You’re disgusting. I don’t mean your attitude or your personality. I mean you, physically. You’re gross. You have puss oozing out of you face, your limbs are all wildly different lengths and you smell like a saddle after a long day’s trail ride. That’s why all the girls in your grade are dating juniors and seniors.
“Wait, you don’t even know me?” you might be saying and that’s very true. I’ve never even been to Fairfield but if it’s like every other city, town or tribal village on earth then I am confident that I’m correct. At fifteen, you are currently at the absolute zero of male attractiveness and I’m including when you’re in your 90’s and even a few weeks after you’re dead.
Given your current state of elephant-man-ness, I think it’s best to start by exploring whether you are, in fact, being checked out. To do this we’ll have to confirm some key details about this boy. What are the posters on the walls of his bedroom? If he’s got a Hemsworth or a Chris (Pine or Evans, either will do), then you’re out of luck. If he has one of Sloth from Goonies then maybe. Is he the president of the Paul Giamatti fan club at your school? Is he blind and lost his sense of smell? Does he use hallucinogens? I’ll need to know these answers before I can really say for sure.
Assuming that this boy is checking you out, though, I think that it is important that you tell your school principal. But I wouldn’t stop there. I’d tell your teachers too. And your neighbors. And the other kids in the school. I’d also write an article for the local Town Crier, hire a skywriter to spell it out in the heavens and run to the highest building in Fairfield and shout for everyone to hear “Someone finds me attractive! SOMEONE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE!” Then send that boy an edible arrangement to say “Thank you.”
Take Bad’s advice, you’ll never regret it –