"Breaking Bad Season 5 is now streaming on Netflix Watch Instantly."
Recently there's been a plague-like rash of listicles bemoaning the things single people just can't stand to hear anymore (Why, yes, those are all separate links.) While I agree that, "They don't deserve you," is the number one most grating sentence in existence, Nerve would never give up the opportunity to play the contrarian. So, here's a list of eight things we singles would be ecstatic to hear from people in relationships, other single people, or, hell, pretty much anyone.
1. "Let's take some really flattering pictures of you for your dating profile."
It's annoying when your friends have a displaced pity of your singlehood, but it's downright productive when they offer to dote on you because of it. Friends know which angles you look best at, which outfits make you a knockout, and the right profile phrasing to suitably couch your amazingness in.
2. "Breaking Bad Season 5 is now streaming on Netflix Watch Instantly."
According to New York Magazine, 12% of adults are guilty of Netflix cheating on their spouse (aka binge watching a show alone that they'd previously agreed to watch solely with their significant other). The best thing about being single is that nobody gives a shit whether you just watched thirteen straight hours of Jesse Pinkman looking forlornly at Walter White in the same onsie pajamas you've been donning for three days. You can wake up with your glasses slightly askew, but still on your face, a Cheeto down your shirt, and absolutely no remorse.
3. "Sorry, this Halloween Carnival Cruise is couples-only."
There's nothing like the gratification of feigning invitation regrets for an event so heinous you would have never even wanted to attend. You will not be puking on the Lido Deck. You will not be acquiring a persistent case of vertigo once you are on land. You will not spend five long days stranded at sea on a floatable poop raft. Pass go and collect the $658.00 you will be saving from abstaining from all the 'fun'.
4. "A Swiss Miss Butterscotch Pudding 6-Pack is on sale for 2.23 this week."
Nobody judged you and nobody made you share.
5. "Do you ever get to sick of eating alone? Why don't come over tonight and I'll cook you dinner? We can watch a movie. It will be a guys'/girls' night."
Rule one of life: Never pass up free food. Rule two: It is beyond wonderful to be coddled, at any age. Relish these nostalgic moments that take you back to a time before your friends all had boyfriends and girlfriends and you'd all gather to jump around on beds, do your nails, and inexplicably don wigs.
6. "When I was in my early twenties, being called sexy was not part of my experience in any way." —Tina Fey, Boss of the world and former spinster
Immensely successful writer-cum-actress-cum-comic-cum-producer-cum-cultural icon-s don't get all of their material from years spent as attractive sexpots who finesse their way through healthy relationships. They often sport mullets while shilling Mutual Savings Bank and carry around extra bags of Sabor de Soledad as they walk the city streets alone. But we can all take heart in Tina Fey's track record: it's only up from here. If Liz Lemon can make it work, anyone can.
7. Headline: "Large Weight Gains Most Likely For Men After Divorce, Women After Marriage."
Take comfort (and laugh maniacally) at the fact that the slew of ultra foreboding relationship statistics from clinical and evo-psych studies about heart attacks, weight gain, jealousy, and depression have absolutely no bearing on your life (yet).
8. "The back of your head is ridiculous."
While declarations of how hot we are and how inconceivable it is that we can't find a date give us douche-chills, the perfectly crafted non-sequitur compliment wins us over. And there are cherishable and wacky breeds out there. Honestly, I'd go for a "The back of your head is ridiculous," over a flat-soda "You're so hot," any day.