Love & Sex

11 Absurd Products to “Enhance” your Sex Life

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ShamWow Vince would never stoop this low.

1. The G-Shot

Why settle for ho-hum natural orgasms, when you can have screaming, scientifically-enhanced climaxes that will get you high enough to slap God in the face? With the simple flick of a hypodermic and our proprietary hyaluronan formula (that's the really fun, super-safe stuff in Botox), the G-Shot temporarily engorges your Grafenberg spot, letting it finally be the best sex organ it can be. Effects can last three to five months, or until your numbed, chemical-ridden vagina falls off in the middle of traffic. Patent pending. 

2. Vimax 

Your daily male enhancement supplement, Vimax is ideal for men with low self-esteem, low sexual desire, or simply a less-than-ideal erection size. (And by "ideal," we mean, "Whatever years of porn have warped you into thinking women need to be satisfied.") Vimax uses only the finest herbal products: Vitamin E, ginkgo biloba leaf powder, ginseng, cayenne pepper, Hawthorn berry extract, saw palmetto, oat straw extract, rice flour, and many other things found inside a horse's digestive tract. It's even gluten free!

3. Vajazzle

Ever get depressed because your vulva resembles a human sex organ instead of a disco ball? So demoralizing. But there's hope! Just reach for Swarovski Vajazzle Body Crystals. Shave, glue, set it, and forget it! (Note: "Forget it" means "Forget it until a week later, when you'll find vagina-crystals in the kitchen sink, between your butt cheeks, and on your roommate's futon.")

4. Betty Pubic Hair Dye 

The first safe pubic hair dye, Betty Pubic Hair Dye comes in exciting colors like "Malibu" aqua blue, mysterious raven black, flirty-girl hot pink, and "eww, ginger" auburn. The no-drip formula finally allows for an on-the-go way to cotton-candy your genital plumage, because when you're trying to get that "bird of paradise" vibe for your pubic hair, the last thing you want to be hampered by is a runny dye. Betty Pubic Hair Dye: feel like you ripped the body off a Troll Doll and fucked its neck! 

5. Swagger Penis Pump 

Viagra is sooooo '00: meet the vacuum constriction manhood-enhancing device of the future!  Simply place your soldier into the Swagger Penis Pump, pull the trigger, and reach your full, artificially-induced potential. And just in case you need to forget you're shoving your penis into a plastic tube, we've included a complimentary vibrating cock ring to add some extra zazz to your day. 

6. Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray

Hate it when you've just eaten some garlic hummus, and desperately need a breath mint, but also need to deep throat a huge cock? Worry no more; Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray is here to solve both of those oddly specific problems, while simultaneously evoking the ethereal sounds of Pink Floyd. It's the minty fresh way to paralyze normal human reflexes! For those special evenings when you want to forget you're choking on ball sack.  

7. Tighten Up Shrink Creme

Remember how good losing your virginity felt the first time? Relive breaking your hymen all over again with Tighten Up vaginal shrink cream. Unscented and long-lasting, it's ideal for women in relationships with men who have incredibly high standards for vaginal tightness and/or latent pedophilic tendencies! Fans of Tighten Up may also like our Lisa Frank stencil Vajazzling kit.

8. Fast Size Erectile Quality Monitor

Ladies, do you ever have mutually-satisfying sex, but then balk at telling your friends, "He was sooo hard!" because you don't have any real way to quantify penile hardness? Don't worry, the Fast Size Erectile Quality Monitor is here to help. Just push your guy's member against the super-scientific pressure sensor, wait for his dick to bend, and and check the results; an LED light indicator will tell you how he sizes up. For added fun, use with a a color-coded calendar so you can chart your lover's progress!

9. Linger, Internal Feminine Flavoring

For those special days when you don't want your genitals to taste like genitals. Whenever you're afraid of a little morning breath coming from downstairs, pop in Linger, the mintiest, freshest way to make sure he'll want to go down on you. It's like Crest for your labia! Essential for those moments when you don't have time for a shower but still want to be intimate with a man who despises the natural taste of your body.

10. Vatoo

Sick of seeing a bare vagina when you look in the mirror? Feel like Vajazzling is just a little too tacky? Vatoo! Choose from a huge catalog of custom ink designs and show off your vagina's real personality with spider webs, butterflies, or even that special guy's social security number! Come to think of it, why not literally emboss his initials on your privates for the ultimate in regressive gender roles!

11. Pipedream Tushy Tamer, Anal Desensitizing Cream 

I'm leaving my poppers at home — Tushy Tamer is the only way I'll sodomize and be sodomized. Apply a generous dollop to your rectum right before a phallus enters it, and let the tingling, numbing sensation take over. Perfect for soft-spoken novices who can't vocalize their physical limits! Put the "anal" back in "analgesic!"