7. Tighten Up Shrink Creme

Remember how good losing your virginity felt the first time? Relive breaking your hymen all over again with Tighten Up vaginal shrink cream. Unscented and long-lasting, it's ideal for women in relationships with men who have incredibly high standards for vaginal tightness and/or latent pedophilic tendencies! Fans of Tighten Up may also like our Lisa Frank stencil Vajazzling kit.

8. Fast Size Erectile Quality Monitor

Ladies, do you ever have mutually-satisfying sex, but then balk at telling your friends, "He was sooo hard!" because you don't have any real way to quantify penile hardness? Don't worry, the Fast Size Erectile Quality Monitor is here to help. Just push your guy's member against the super-scientific pressure sensor, wait for his dick to bend, and and check the results; an LED light indicator will tell you how he sizes up. For added fun, use with a a color-coded calendar so you can chart your lover's progress!

9. Linger, Internal Feminine Flavoring

For those special days when you don't want your genitals to taste like genitals. Whenever you're afraid of a little morning breath coming from downstairs, pop in Linger, the mintiest, freshest way to make sure he'll want to go down on you. It's like Crest for your labia! Essential for those moments when you don't have time for a shower but still want to be intimate with a man who despises the natural taste of your body.

10. Vatoo

Sick of seeing a bare vagina when you look in the mirror? Feel like Vajazzling is just a little too tacky? Vatoo! Choose from a huge catalog of custom ink designs and show off your vagina's real personality with spider webs, butterflies, or even that special guy's social security number! Come to think of it, why not literally emboss his initials on your privates for the ultimate in regressive gender roles!

11. Pipedream Tushy Tamer, Anal Desensitizing Cream 

I'm leaving my poppers at home — Tushy Tamer is the only way I'll sodomize and be sodomized. Apply a generous dollop to your rectum right before a phallus enters it, and let the tingling, numbing sensation take over. Perfect for soft-spoken novices who can't vocalize their physical limits! Put the "anal" back in "analgesic!"