It involves using the word "instasoft."
Do you ever just lie in bed post-coitus, drooling and being a human, completely unconcerned with the amount of sex appeal you’re radiating? Well it’s time to start getting concerned. Because I just finished reading this Cosmo article and apparently there are many (well, at least seven) ways in which we’re unknowingly causing usually stoic erections to shrivel all over the world. Some of these ways include touching our bodies. Not in the sexy boob-rubbing way you guys, but, like, touching our feet. And wearing socks. The article includes helpful anecdotes from libido-having men like Keith, who couldn’t handle the mental image of his girlfriend dressing up like a football player last Halloween: “I went instasoft at the idea of her dressed as a dude in all that unsexy padding.” Sounds insta-awful, Keith.
But hey, we ladies have a sex drive too (every other Thursday!) so I figured I’d do the men a solid and return the favor. Here are just a few things you guys do that make me want to pack up Emerald (that’s what I call my vagina) for good.
1. Eating fruit
What are you, a baby slow loris? You’re a man, and it’s highly uncarnal for me to see you consuming anything other than bloody, chewy animal protein. If my mom takes us to Olive Garden, for the love of God, don’t order the mango fettuccine alfredo. People are starting to stare.
2. That dumb face you make when climaxing
What’s that? You can’t control it? You love having sex with me? You’re having a good time? Who cares what face you’re making? I do, Gary. I do.
3. Your total unawareness of how gross your own feet are
Here’s Total Man Dave talking in Cosmo about the first time he saw a girl painting her toenails: “There’s something so sexy about nice, taken care of feet, but so icky about knowing what women have to do to get feet like that. I just kept thinking about how her hands were all over her feet…and how little I wanted her hands to be all over me after that." But Dave, have you looked down at your own feet recently (that is, if you can see them over what is surely a sizeable paunch)? They most likely resemble the talons of an enlarged pigeon.
3. Having allergies
It’s just like, fine, sneeze every now and then, but don’t make it a thing.
5. Not caring about sports
Sometimes I think I can look past the fact that you don’t lift, but not even knowing that the NFL draft is happening? C’mon. If you can’t carry on a simple conversation about Tim Tebow, it makes me feel like I’m dating someone who just stepped out of a time machine. When we go to the Museum of Natural History to check out the caveman exhibit, I’m like, “Put this guy in there.”
6. Having sex with my sister
My only real complaint about this is that our sheets smelled like patchouli oil for weeks afterwards. You think I’m going to want to fuck you when our love nest is drenched in the aroma of Ringo Starr’s neck?
Um, now that I know where your pee comes from (by the way, gross) there’s no way I’m letting you put your penis inside me. For all I know, you might try to pee in there.