On May 30, Angelina Jolie will bring a sexy twist to Maleficent, Disney’s upcoming Sleeping Beauty reboot, as the Mistress of All Evil herself. Like Alvy Singer and his fixation on Snow White’s evil stepmother in Annie Hall, I’ve always found myself drawn to the baddies — here are the classic Disney villains who most memorably aroused my prepubescent attention.
The BBW of the deep blue sea. Originally inspired by the drag queen Divine, girlfriend is large and in charge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she may be evil, but — no offense, Ariel — I always thought this voluptuous, flamboyant sea-bitch was vastly more interesting than her goody two-shoes ginger counterpart. You done goofed, Prince Eric.
6. Captain Hook
Sorry, but Jack Sparrow has never been anything more than a poor man's (or at least a poor teenybopper's) Captain Hook. I'm a sucker for a British accent, not to mention fancy-lady Jared Leto hair. As far as I'm considered, this pirate manages to make his hooked appendage hot, in a way Buster Bluth never could.
5. Cruella de Vil
Even though I wanted nothing more than to cuddle the goddamn spots off each and every one of the 101 Dalmatians, I'm nursing a lifelong girlcrush on this woman. Fur is murder, but she is totally murdering that fur. Also, her hair. Also, her cigarette holder. Cruella, take me for a spin in your Rolls-Royce and teach me how to be you.
A neurotic, high-energy weirdo — of all the villains on this list, Hades reminds me the most of the people I eventually dated in real life. But even as a kid, I'd much rather hang with someone who made me laugh (Lord of the Dead or otherwise) than a basic bitch like Hercules.
Also, dig the blue hair.
Aladdin is the rare Disney movie where I actually prefer the protagonist, but the titular street rat's archnemesis has got kind of a Prince (as in, the artist formerly known as) thing going on. Plus, he likes birds, so he can't be that bad, right? Okay, whatever, he can be that bad. I like it.
Sure, fine, Scar is technically an animal, but I am nevertheless picking up a serious vibe. It could be the voice of Jeremy Irons (yes, please), but I was also instantly charmed by the green eyes, the full mane, and — duh — the scar. I love cats as a rule, but Scar is the one and only feline I've ever considered a viable sexual partner.
If, you know, he were human, and also, not animated.
Truly la crème de la crème. Gaston is a boorish chauvinist — and Belle smartly sees right through him — but that confidence is downright magnetic. He loves eggs, I love eggs. He wants seven strapping boys, I've got pretty wide hips. But most importantly: dem biceps tho.