Love & Sex

Actually Paying Attention in Bed Will Lead to Better Sex

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The Kinsey Report explains how practicing "mindfulness"creates more intimacy and overall better sex.

Stop side-glancing your Twitter feed when you’re having sex. For that matter, stop “getting it done.” Be mindful and take inventory of who is around you, their scent, the sweet and saltiness of their skin, and really take your time before focusing on you. This is the obvious, yet necessary advice Kinsey Confidential is suggesting for men and women.

Mindfulness is a concept that may seem mystical, but really it’s just slowing down and ingesting everything as it comes instead of sprinting through life. “Mindfulness is being intentional: planning ahead, and deliberately choosing your actions,” says Kinsey. You want to have better sex? Give better sex simply by observing your partner. It’s that simple. 

There are various mindfulness training techniques. Sensate focus emphasizes intimacy and arousal over orgasms. Touch and communication are the crux of the experience. The idea is that if couples focus on the now, there will be more pleasure throughout sex. “Eating one raisin” is an exercise many sex therapists use for clients. “Holding, seeing, touching, smelling, placing and tasting,” a couple experiences sharing a small quantity of food. Practicing on the raisin is the buildup to your lips on your partner’s neck.

Mindfulness also looks to overcome everyday distractions and stressors. An awareness of our immediate space is not as common as it once was. With ear buds in, head stooped, and my vision focused on crushing candy, I constantly have to remind myself to look around. If that sounds familiar, be careful because practice soon becomes habit, and no one wants a non-communicative, cowering, and distracted partner in bed.

Kinsey also suggests planning sexy time. In the days, hours, or minutes leading up to the date, this is a good time to express what you desire from your partner and vice versa. Sexting fits in seamlessly here.

We don’t need a scientist to prove that a clear mind is more receptive to intimate moments, but it never hurts to be reminded that we're living in an era of permanent distraction. Anyone can practice mindfulness in everyday life, and lucky for you, if you keep your ears and eyes open, it will carryover to the bedroom.

Image via Roddy Keetch