Love & Sex

Brazilian Coach Bans ‘Acrobatic’ Sex from World Cup, ‘Normal’ Sex Still Fine

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“Usually normal sex is done in a balanced way.”

If you are a Brazilian soccer player, or the partner of a Brazilian soccer player, or a person aspiring to sleep with a Brazilian soccer player (i.e., a person), Fox Soccer has very bad news for you: Brazil’s head coach Luiz Felipe Scolari has just banned his team from participating in any acrobatic sex during the World Cup.

“The players can have normal sex during the World Cup. Usually normal sex is done in a balanced way, but there are certain forms, certain ways and others who do acrobatics. And that, no,” he said at a press conference in Portugal.

Whether or not players should be allowed to bring their wives and girlfriends to the biggest tournament of the year has apparently been a “hotly” debated issue for decades. Is pre-game sex good? Is it bad? If ladies are allowed, will the soccer players be too tired from all the sex-having to play soccer? These are important questions.

And lest certain Brazilian players get the impression that they might find ways to acrobatically get it on in secret, Scolari is very clear. “We will put limits and survey the players.” There will be no coital gymnastics on his watch and also he will be watching. Rules. Got it. (Unless he meant the other kind of survey, which case, please alert us immediately of the results.)


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