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Breakfast With...Porn Star Joanna Angel
Q: What is the sexiest breakfast food? A: Poached eggs. Because you put them on toast and the yolk starts running.
BY JEREMY GLASS
I'd first heard of Joanna Angel through a section on her in Vice magazine. I found her down-to-earth, no-nonsense demeanor (and arguably perfect breast-to-nipple golden ratio) attractive and her professionalism thrilling. After some thorough research, I uncovered the infamous video "Lemon Stealing Whores"—a porno with, perhaps, the greatest dialogue and plot-line in the history of naked people fucking on camera. Joanna can be seen in the background stuffing lemons down her sheer red onesie. When I was given the assignment to interview Joanna, I knew she'd be cool with my sexy breakfast questions and mumbly-awkward demeanor. Her office is in a remote loft in Greenpoint within an office building that more closely resembles an abandoned motel from the '60s. Inside I found a tiny, cute Jewish woman wearing all black framed against a wall of hundreds of explicit DVD's and sex toys. I remarked that the scene reminded me of my room in high school. We sat on her red couch in a darkened room, sipped our coffees, and talked for an hour.
Let’s talk Scrapper. The trailer looks intriguing. You’re obviously fully clothed. Let’s talk about that.
I really loved working on that movie. It was really cool--I think I learned a lot. I had lines where I had to respond to Michael Beach, who’s in Sons of Anarchy, a bunch of TV shows and movies. When we were doing the script, he would talk to me and it would kind of make me a better actress just responding to him. What I really respected about the director was he didn’t cast me in a role where I was playing a hooker or a stripper or anything sexual at all...I was just there to play a regular role in this movie...as something that had nothing to do with my boobs.
So do you see yourself taking your newly acquired acting abilities to the porn set?
Porn is my career; it’s my job; it’s what I do all the time. I did learn more about acting and it actually helped me in my own movies, I think. I mean, we still have scripts and stuff on set. We still have little plots. And when Michael Beach was coaching me on how to do my lines, his advice stuck with me and I’ve translated that...granted the production is a little different, but still, ultimately at the end of the day I’m still trying to make the best product that I can and if I can help anyone deliver things a little bit better.
Sasha Grey, James Deen. You. Is porn to regular movies going to be a thing?
Well, people say this all the time like it’s a new thing and it’s not a new thing. Jenna Jameson went mainstream. Chasey Lain, she had a mainstream thing. It has nothing to do with your skill, you just kind of have to be in the right place at the right time. Porn stars spend a lot of their time in front of a camera, so I think people underestimate how natural they can be. Whether you’re running lines about sucking dick or running lines about your house burning down, you’re still running lines in front of a camera. But, I don’t think anyone’s ever going to replace Leonardo DiCaprio with a porn star.
One of your newer films is called Baristas. And it’s about a bunch of sexy baristas who have to save their coffee shop and coincidentally all have sex in the process. Let’s talk coffee.
I love coffee. I actually think I could give up any vice in my life...but I can’t give up coffee. I actually can’t have conversations with people unless I have coffee in the morning, or I get really angry and testy. I can legitimately say I am addicted to coffee.
How do you like your coffee?
It depends. I usually drink it black, but if I’m at some fancy coffee place...I actually go to this place in San Diego a lot, it’s called The Roast Coach and it’s these two girls who own this coffee cart and they grind all their own beans and they always have different beans every day and they make all these weird drinks with, like, bizarre mint leaves and bay leaves. And every once in a while I need a minty...frothy...syrupy...thing.
How do you keep porn fresh?
Fresh? I put it in a Ziploc bag and I keep it in the fridge. Some people won’t choose BurningAngel over the other porn sites. And there’s not much I can really do about that. But the lovely, amazing, honorable people in this world who do choose our site are part of this really fun community. People watch the movies and they kind of talk to each other about them. I think our girls are very unique, we don’t have the same look as your typical room full of porn girls. If you want anything of me that’s been around for the last seven years or so, you have to go to BurningAngel.com to find it. And I’m pretty cool, so you’re not going to find me on Brazzers.
What’s your favorite porn trope?
Well, we have this whole site, PunkSchoolGirls.com. I do watch a lot of schoolgirl porn because I have to shoot so much of it, so I watch it and try to get inspired. And schoolgirl porn was amazing in the '70s; it was amazing it the '80s; it was amazing in the '90s; and it’s amazing now. There are other movies that are schoolgirl porn without knowing they’re schoolgirl porn, like Clueless. Alicia Silverstone for that one year period where she was really hot. And everyone can relate to it, because everyone has wanted to fuck a teacher. If you don’t like schoolgirl porn, there’s something wrong with you.
Waffles or pancakes?
Pancakes. Waffles are a little too crunchy. I don’t really like the thick texture of a waffle. Pancakes can really be so many different flavors...I think with waffles, you’re always going to taste that buttermilk flavor. But you can bite into a pancake and it can just feel like you’re biting into a banana that turned into a cake.
Have you ever stolen a lemon in real life and where do you keep all your stolen lemons?
I’ve never stolen a lemon in real life. I know that I’m such a good actress that you probably thought Lemon Stealing Whores was real, but it was, in fact, made up.
I came here expecting lemonade, but it’s safe to say I’m probably not getting lemonade.
I don’t have any lemonade, but I have some Vitamin Water! I was going to reach for some lemonade, but I got the Vitamin Water Zero because it’s bikini season and I figured why have extra calories go into my mouth through something I’m drinking? I’d rather have extra calories in my mouth from something I’m eating. That’s why I didn’t get the lemonade. But no, I’ve never stolen a lemon.
What’s your favorite part of sex that’s not shown in porn?
What part of sex isn’t show in porn?
Well, for me, it’s that awkward period when the guy is fumbling for the condom and loses his erection.
Is that what your sex life is like?
Not all of it...
Mine isn’t like that!
Oh, what’s that like?
Most of sex is shown in porn, but I guess you have a level of intimacy that isn’t shown, but you can’t define that or put your finger on it. It’s kind of, like, in your brain. Even if you’re in a relationship and you have sex with the same person everyday, it’s still not like: everybody is going to show up at this time and the girl is going to wear this outfit, and she’s going to put on this makeup and she’s going to go over there and she’s going to have sex on that chair, and then when she’s done, another girl is going to come in and she’s going to have sex on that same chair, but we’re going to just change the lighting. So it’s a controlled environment in porn.
What is the worst kind of sex?
Um...the kind when the girl doesn’t have an orgasm.
Oh, what a gentleman.
I’m blushing all over. What’s the best kind of sex?
The kind of sex that lasts a long time and the girl has lots and lots of orgasms. Unfortunately the guy is only going to have one, maybe two. But then you kind of have to take a break in the middle. That’s just how it works.
That’s something you never really see in porn...the ten minute period where the guy has to hang out and get hard again.
I don’t want to direct a porn that looks like that. I’m sure that one exists out there, but personally, I don’t pay guys to come to set and fuck for five minutes and cum and then lay there for ten minutes and then start again. That’s not what the job entails.
I recently watched your Hanukkah-themed film Festival of Cocks. As a Jew, it’s special to me. Do you think you’re a hero in the Jewish community? I mean, you’re kind of like Moses...except you look better naked and had way more anal sex than he did.
I can’t call myself a hero, but if you think I’m a hero, then I’m a hero.
What happens after a film like that, where it’s literally an hour of anal?
I went home that night and picked up some food on the way home, a burrito actually...from Hugo’s. It’s a place in LA. They’re organic burritos, so they’re kind of healthy and kind of not healthy, because they’re burritos. So I picked one up on the way home and I took a bath, like a long bath, and I ate my burrito and I watched an episode of Breaking Bad and I fell asleep.
That sounds like my night--every night.
When you come home from scenes like that, it just feels similar to what most people feel if they’ve spent a couple hours at the gym. Your body is half really happy but half hates you. And if you feel kinda proud of yourself and you want to reward yourself by eating something a little greasy and then you go to sleep!
Has coming from a Jewish background has affected people’s view of you?
You know, when you grow up Jewish and you go to Hebrew school, you always learn that you’re the chosen one. Your teachers put so much pressure on you to be amazing because you’re Jewish...like you’re going to fuck it up for all the other Jews if you fuck up your own life. And I’m constantly scrutinizing myself and questioning myself and people might think that’s strange to do in porn, but I always watch everything I make and think about what I can do next time to make it better. Somebody told me something once that I’ve always remembered: you cannot choose your own fame, it just kind of happens. I guess I’m the Jewish porn star and I never meant to exploit my religion to get somewhere...but Jews stick together and they get excited when someone Jewish does something.
What are the public’s biggest misconceptions about porn stars?
That we make bucket loads of money and we don’t do any work. I think that’s Jenna Jameson’s fault. There was a VH1 special with her and she talked about how rich she was and I think she put something in everyone’s brain. People in porn, especially those who own companies, they are very hard workers. You cannot be a famous porn star easily these days.
What is the sexiest breakfast food?
Poached eggs. Because you put them on toast and the yolk starts running and it’s very sexy. It looks like jizz.
What the least sexy breakfast food?
Corned beef hash. It tastes good, but it’s a big mess.
What you rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck?
A hundred duck-sized horses. It sounds more fun, like a video game. I don’t want to fight a duck, they’re cute.
Want to play sexy Mad Libs?
Sure! I like Mad Libs. I used to play and put dirty words in them at Jewish summer camp.
"Tommy and his hot girlfriend...Candy...Are alone in the house. The cable guy knocks on the door and says...‘I’m here to fix your cable'...Tommy says: ‘Yeah, but we have to put it in my girlfriend’s'...Big gaping HDMI slot hole...They start going at it. Suddenly the girlfriend yells out...‘Plug it in!’...in utter passion. She insists Tommy and cable guy smash their...components...together. They do. After being filled out like a...whore...she reaches around and touches Tommy’s...Blu-Ray player...This makes them all...jizz...at once. Then...Mayor Bloomberg...comes to the door and insists he puts his...penis...inside all the things. Long story short, everybody ends up covered in...big black cable wires."