Dateline: "He looks amazing, as usual, but I can see there's something on his face..."

We're collecting stories about your most entertaining dates. Send your time-stamped dating stories to dateline@nerve.com; don't forget to include gender and age for you and your date.

Female, editor, 24
with
Male, financial analyst, 24

6:30 p.m. - I'm out to a sushi dinner with a friend on the Upper East Side, when I get a text: "Hey. What r u up to later?" It's Chad, my hookup buddy.

8:35 - I'm allowing appropriate lag time in between texts. We agree to meet at a nondescript neighborhood bar near my apartment, chosen solely out of convenience. Completing this plan has taken five texts and about two hours.

9:05 - I choose a form-fitting, strapless black dress and white cardigan. As I'm leaving my building, my neighbor — a forty-five-year-old doorman, who is coming back from work — tells me that I am "lookin' good." I am pleased.

9:40 - I arrive at the bar ten minutes late, just as he is getting out of one of those van cabs. I stand outside the entrance and watch as he crosses the street. He looks amazing, as usual, but I can see there's something on his face.

9:41 - I take in his outfit from top to bottom as he walks over. He's wearing a yellow plaid flannel shirt, designer jeans, and bright orange Nikes. His hair is a sandy blond, and he sweeps it to the side as he walks over. He has this whole California-surfer-meets-New-York-banker look that I really enjoy. Something about him looks different though, and I can't put my finger on it.

9:41:02 - He gives me a kiss hello. I can now see what it is. A mustache.

9:41:10 - He takes my hand and walks me inside, as though everything's normal and he doesn't have a mustache.

9:42 - We sit down at the bar. I turn to him and point out the obvious. "So, you have a mustache," I say. He explains that he and a group of coworkers grew them as part of a campaign for men's health. I tell him that sounds like a good cause, and then ask if he'll be shaving again soon.

9:49 - We talk. I start to get impatient with him not talking that much, and then talking about boring things when he does. I try to engage him by asking a few questions out of left field: what were his childhood dreams? Does he look more like his mom or his dad? Did he ever think he'd be famous? I receive relatively unsurprising answers to all my questions, except for that he looks more like his mom than his dad. This is interesting to me.

10:38 - There's a lull in the conversation and I look around the bar. There's a guy with leather pants and long hair drinking by himself and another who's wearing an old football jersey and has a chin piercing, talking to the bartender. It seems that these are the "regulars."

10:42 - Chad asks if I want another drink. I decide the mustache makes him look like the Cheshire cat.

10:44 - A middle-aged woman a multicolored rayon blouse — another of the regulars — is sitting at the bar on the opposite side of Chad. She decides to strike up a conversation with him. "I like your mustache," she says. "Thanks," he replies. She asks what he does in the city. Chad leans back in his seat so that she can see me. She quickly apologizes to me, and explains that she "wasn't hitting on him."

10:46 - I accept her apology but partly wish he'd continued talking with her, just to see what would have happened.

10:47 - She piles on the flattery, saying that we make a great-looking couple. I am unsure whether to take this as a compliment in light of, A, we're not a couple, and B, mustache.

10:50 - The woman goes back to watching television. Chad closes his tab and we head to my place.

11:14 - We start making out and get undressed. I feel his 'stache hair against my skin.

11:27 - He's on top of me and everything is like normal. Except for his mustache. It is staring at me. He's completely forgotten about it and is having sex like he usually would, with all the normal facial expressions.

11:28 - I find this funny. I'm about to start laughing but don't want him to see me, so I turn my face to the side and bury it in the comforter.

11:29 - I am doing a bad job controlling my laughter.

11:30 - He comes after literally three minutes of sex. I'm disappointed and question whether it was worth my drinking this much on Sunday night for such little sex. I bring up my concern with him.

11:31 - "Sorry, I haven't had sex in a while," he says. I find this hard to believe, but suppose that maybe the mustache wasn't doing the trick at normal bars.

11:32 - We lie in bed for a little while and I run my fingers through his stomach hair. I always treasure these moments because they're so short. He usually leaves about four minutes after sex.

11:34 - He gets dressed and gives me a kiss goodbye. "I'll call you," he says. I know he won't call, but I'm pretty sure he'll text.

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Commentarium (45 Comments)

Jun 05 12 - 1:00am
Manny

"Appropriate lag time between texts." I hate people like this.

Jun 05 12 - 1:41pm
Fucking Everybody

We are all like this!

Jun 06 12 - 5:49am
Manny

Not me! There are plenty of people who don't subscribe to bullshit games.

Jun 05 12 - 3:20am
George

Sad story. Sad lifes.

Jun 08 12 - 12:12pm
hmmmm

hmmm

Jun 05 12 - 3:23am
Ralph

Hey girl, aren't you worth more?! He calls you, does not entertain you because he is boring, buys you a drink, f... you and you even do not like it?! Are you not worth more?!

Jun 08 12 - 12:15pm
Hell

Had i known girls were willing to accept boredom, neglect and a penis just to get laid I would have had a better young adulthood

Jun 08 12 - 10:18pm
Nope

Are you (or were you back in your young adulthood) extremely good-looking? If so, then yep, a certain percentage of young women were willing to accept those things and you missed out. If not, nope, they most likely wouldn't have accepted those things form you.

Jun 05 12 - 6:26am
m

wtf. The dude cums in 3 three minutes (and it happens to everybody) and that's it and leaves? In what universe is that ok? Is that a thing? If somebody did that to me I would never see them again. If you don't get her off (and it was obvious he didn't get you off) then it's his job to fucking finish you off. Tongue, fingers, dildos or you know, waiting until the next round and going again? DO SOMETHING.

Jun 05 12 - 10:37am
babyjane

Seriously. I hate it when a guy apologizes for coming really quickly. Not a big deal, just stop saying sorry and put that mouth to good use. Some guys seem to believe their hands and tongues stop working the minute they have an orgasm.

Jun 05 12 - 5:39pm
James

Babyjane; fuck you. Some girls, at certain times, prefer the feeling of being wanted over the feeling of having an orgasm and that's fine. Personally, my hands , tongue and the rest of me DO stop working normally immediately after a proper orgasm and it takes a while for them to become fully functional again. If you get sexually frustrated during an encounter, SUCK IT THE FUCK UP - this is part of life and you've probably caused at least as many people to feel that way as times you have felt it yourself.
I can't speak for all other men, but when I say "Sorry" after ejaculating before the woman has climaxed, I don't mean "sorry i couldn't hold off for another few seconds, minutes whatever"; I mean: "Sorry that sucks for you but I don't really care that much"

Jun 05 12 - 6:06pm
sara

@james, you are part of the problem.

Jun 05 12 - 7:56pm
you mad

you maaaaaad sara! you maaaaaaaad! mad cuz dudes like james done did that to you and you self-righteous enough to think you can wage a internet crusade against people being selfish dicks - haha. i don't completely share his point of view but i get what he's saying. i think probably most guys feel the way he feels inversely proportional to how much they actually like the girl they're fucking

Jun 05 12 - 8:23pm
src

"Sorry that sucks for you but I don't really care that much"
"most guys feel the way he feels inversely proportional to how much they actually like the girl they're fucking"

Well, that's the whole point. This behavior is purely self-serving and the girl deserves better. Thanks for making it clear.

Jun 05 12 - 8:51pm
KC

My goodness, this James fella sounds like quite a catch! But, seriously- the lesson here is "don't fuck men who don't like you." Doesn't matter how hot they are.

Jun 06 12 - 12:39am
babyjane

Has any girl ever been stupid to sleep with you a second time, James? I highly doubt it. If you're sleeping with someone, even someone you don't want a relationship with, you should do your best to make sure they enjoy themselves. That's true regardless of gender. The whole point of a casual hookup is to have a pleasurable sexual experience, and if I'm ever unfortunate enough to end up with a guy like James I would most definitely not suck it up.

Jun 06 12 - 5:41am
JCB

James makes a good point (even trolls sometimes do). If the guy cums, rolls over and leaves, it's because HE DOESN'T CARE about getting his partner off. Lecturing isn't going to fix the problem; women can't complain and then continue making their vaginas available to men who don't care/respect them. The chick in the above story is going to continue waiting around for this guy to text her AFTER he made it clear he didn't give a crap about her pleasure...and continue playing "hard to get" text games as if they make any difference when he knows full well he's going to bang at the end of the night. Pathetic.

The problem goes both ways.

Jun 06 12 - 5:49am
wowza

"Well, that's the whole point. This behavior is purely self-serving and the girl deserves better. Thanks for making it clear."

src, why does she "deserve better"? People don't get what they deserve, they get what they demand. I guarantee there's another woman, probably on her block, with a sex partner who worships her body, takes the time to give her orgasms, and calls her regularly without a hours of game playing. She CHOSE this person, while our heroine above chose - and continues to choose - Mr. Mustache. We can't snap our fingers and force everyone to be sensitive, attentive lovers, but we can choose partners who are because we're all grownups. Deserve's got nothing to do with it.

Jun 05 12 - 8:02am
JCB

Yeah, WTF? So many head scratchers in this one. She's 24 but plays middle school text games (why? who is she trying to impress?), repeatedly giggles like a schoolgirl over a mustache (why is that a big deal?), and seems totally content with a "hookup buddy" who bangs her in 3 minutes with no foreplay. I'm old and married, but I always thought one of the ONLY requirements for a fuckbuddy was being good in bed.

"I always treasure these moments because they're so short. He usually leaves about four minutes after sex."

WT holy everloving F?!? Can someone explain this woman's deal to me?

Jun 05 12 - 9:52am
KingPellinore

In my professional opinion, which is anything but, it sounds to me as if this person suffers from "Doesn't-know-what-they-want-itis".

Jun 05 12 - 10:16am
dave1976

I disagree. I think she knows exactly what she wants, but either can't admit it, or feels obligated to play the cool sex and the city casual sex chick (or is it Girls now? I'm 37 and a bit out of touch)

Jun 05 12 - 12:40pm
JCB

Yeah I don't have a problem with casual sex, but I don't get why the mustache was such a big deal, even after he explained it (have all her previous partners been 12 years old?), and I REALLY don't get why she's okay with playing head games for hours in exchange for 3 minutes of bad sex with a mere "hookup buddy". I thought the whole point of casual sex was to avoid the game-playing and boring sex that come with relationships!

Jun 05 12 - 5:41pm
Kikoman

She probably wants to feel validated more than anything else.

Jun 05 12 - 8:26pm
src

Hey, some of us just don't dig mustaches. I thought she was being generous by having a sense of humor about it.

Jun 06 12 - 1:41pm
smt

In answer to your question, here's my guess at "her deal:"

1. She find this guy extremely attractive physically (minus the stache, of course).
2. She feels he's out of her league physically and likes him more than he likes her. Which feeds into her already well-established insecurities.
3. She wants more from him and hopes that eventually she'll get it regardless of all evidence to the contrary.
4. She makes the mistake so many women do: thinking that if I guy will sleep with you there's a better chance he'll want a relationship with you down the line.

To sum up: She has low self-esteem and is allowing someone to not give her what she wants in even a fuck buddy situation because of it. Frankly, she also sounds pretty immature and shallow and if looks are overwhelmingly the main factor in a fuck buddy, more than actual sexual prowess and personality, well, you kinda get what you deserve...

Jun 08 12 - 12:23pm
I wonder

If this is indeed fiction. If so, it is an excellent piece of writing in that it provokes a lot of thought into motives, self-esteem and neediness.

Jun 05 12 - 12:01pm
mp

So many haters--I loved this and seemed to show that this girl isn't getting everything she wants, but she clearly knows what she does want.

Jun 05 12 - 4:40pm
mh

it's true! we all get a lot of what we don't want, but it helps in figuring out what we do want. plus, the mustache bits were hilarious.

Jun 05 12 - 5:42pm
Kikoman

Are mp and mh the same person?

Jun 06 12 - 1:43pm
smt

You loved, this? Really? Huh. Ok, to each their own. To me this was extremely sad.

Jun 05 12 - 1:08pm
hooker

this is so sad. so many things wrong.
1) if you have to play middle school text games with "lag time," get rid of him
2) if he's too boring to have a conversation with, get rid of him
3) you are trying to date your fuck buddy. this is a rookie move. put on your big girl pants and either accept that he sees you as nothing but a sex partner (and honestly, probably doesn't respect you) or get rid of him and find a guy who is actually trying to DATE you
3) if he comes but doesn't even try to get you off, get rid of him. this is like fuck buddy 101
4) You live in NYC, not Fargo, there are more and better men to be fuck buddies with

Jun 05 12 - 1:10pm
JCB

THANK YOU. This whole thing is the definition of doing it wrong.

Jun 05 12 - 2:53pm
hey

even if she was in Fargo, there would be better men to be fuck buddies with.

Jun 05 12 - 4:42pm
mh

DEALBREAKER! she's probably figured all of this out by now but good job liz lemon.

Jun 05 12 - 2:16pm
l

There's a lot of people getting their fucking panties in a twist. Different strokes for different folks. It doesn't seem ideal, but if she doesn't mind and it doesn't hurt anyone I don't know why so many people give this much of a fuck.

Jun 05 12 - 3:03pm
Potpourri

Why is everyone so stressed about what is obviously a piece of fiction? Nice writing, but there's no way this is a real account of a real date.

Jun 05 12 - 3:41pm
Gila Monster

The lesson here is drop the moustaches already, mmmkay?

Jun 05 12 - 7:01pm
rumy

sounds like he is 'no' magnum pi

Jun 05 12 - 8:35pm
yea

she just sounds incredibly insecure. hopefully she figures out that she's worth more than 3 minute sex and 1 minute of stroking this guy's chest hair.

Jun 05 12 - 9:51pm
tdc

this isn't a date, it's a hookup, and a lame one at that. hope "Female, editor, 24" is keeping her options open.

Jun 06 12 - 5:56am
Manny

What the fuck is up with all this time stamped dating? Are people really going on dates while keeping a log of times and events?

Jun 06 12 - 6:03pm
kas

Ugh, this hit way too close to home. For years I had terrible sex with a man because I desperately wanted a relationship with him, while he wanted to text me when he was bored and lonely and horny. I once made a four-hour round trip so I could perform 20 minutes of oral sex on him, have him pump away for about 90 seconds, come on my stomach, apologize, and kick me out of his apartment.

I had some self-respect issues.

Jun 11 12 - 6:25am
damn

That was almost pathetic and awkward enough to be on an episode of "Girls."

Jun 12 12 - 11:57am
Sven

I just wanna know why the cover photo for this story is Tom Sellick's clearly excellent mustache. If he looked like that she's a lucky girl!

Jun 13 12 - 1:04am
Not_James

"James
"Babyjane; fuck you. Some girls, at certain times, prefer the feeling of being wanted over the feeling of having an orgasm and that's fine. Personally, my hands , tongue and the rest of me DO stop working normally immediately after a proper orgasm and it takes a while for them to become fully functional again. If you get sexually frustrated during an encounter, SUCK IT THE FUCK UP"
…… "I can't speak for all other men, but when I say "Sorry" after ejaculating before the woman has climaxed, I don't mean "sorry i couldn't hold off for another few seconds, minutes whatever";…….

Confirmed. James, you do not speak for other men.

Thank, whoever, that you do not.