Dateline: "I have no recollection of what she looks or sounds like…"
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5:14 p.m. – I tell my roommates that a girl I met while blacked-out, fall-over drunk in Ocean City, Maryland is coming to visit. I still have no recollection of what she looks, sounds, or feels like.
5:30 – I am now debating whether to take her out to a nice dinner or to stay in and cook one of the first meals I have ever cooked in my life. I cannot cook.
5:32 – My roommates make my decision for me, based not on the logic that I cannot cook and therefore should take her out, but on this: cute, we go out. Not so cute, we stay in.
5:33 – I try to understand their perspective and I suppose they're suggesting I should parade her around town if she's attractive enough.
5:34 – I've secretly decided on my own that we will go out. I do not let my roommates in on the secret.
6:47 – Her car pulls up. I am sweating and wishing I'd drunk as much as I had the evening we met.
6:49 – I am overwhelmingly attracted to her almost angelic looks and I thank my drunken self for still having good taste.
6:50 – My roommates give secret approving nods. I am free to take her out. I pretend that this didn't matter to me.
6:51 – We're in a cab on our way to dinner. The conversation makes it clear that we have absolutely nothing in common. The only reason to continue is because of our natural attraction.
7:30 – When we arrive at the restaurant, it turns out that I know the manager, and he sends a bottle of champagne for our table. I look way more baller than I am.
7:31 – I learn that she doesn't drink champagne.
7:42 – Our conversation gets worse and worse. Talking about music reveals that her tastes are strictly top-forty, and mine are way more obscure. We quickly establish that we're most at ease when our waiter is near us.
8:01 – I have finished a bottle of champagne.
8:02 – Luckily, she seems to have drunk the rest of the bar.
8:15 – Dinner, drinks, and conversation have vanished, never to be seen again. We've left the restaurant.
8:16 – We pretend to wonder where we'll go next. Should we go out more, or go home and do the only thing that both of us can agree on?
8:20 – Almost without discussion, she's on top of me in the cab. Her skirt makes for easy access. She's making noises that should not be made in a cab; I start making noises as well. More manly noises.
8:21-8:45 – Cab driver throws continual glances in the rearview mirror.
8:46 – We pass my apartment.
8:47 – We turn around.
8:48 – We pass my apartment again. Cab driver and I are not concentrating on getting us home.
8:49 – I tell cab driver to please focus on the duty at hand and get us home ASAP.
8:51 – We arrive home and finish what we started in the cab.
11:30 a.m. – She leaves. We never see each other again.