Dateline: "I'm not awake enough to handle this…"
We're collecting stories about your most entertaining dates. Send your time-stamped dating stories to email@example.com; don't forget to include gender and age for you and your date.
7:10 p.m. – Wake up from a nap trying to recover from a late night out. I have twenty minutes to get ready before my 7:30 drink. It's a blind date set up by a friend's mother, a scenario which I know must have about a 0% success rate.
7:30 – I'm still groggy when I arrive at the bar, searching for a blonde girl in a blue sweater. It's a normally mellow bar that's been inexplicably overtaken by about eight roaring-drunk firemen. I'm not awake enough to handle this.
7:35 – Blonde girl with blue sweater enters the bar just as I find a single barstool squeezed in between a loud drunk fireman and an old man reading The New Yorker. (It's a study in contrasts.) We introduce ourselves and run through the usual "blind dates are weird but worth a try" dialogue, and then she sees another single barstool open a few stools down. She then asks the firemen to slide down to make room for her.
7:40 – While we're awkwardly getting to know each other, a drunk fireman walks over and says, "Hey man, just gotta say, you really shouldn't send a girl over to ask us to move. Be a man."
7:40:05 – I want to go back to bed.
8:00 – I order my second drink, having already kind of decided that I'm not going to try to transition this to a dinner. This girl takes herself very seriously and seems to believe this is some kind of business meeting.
8:15 – Girl in blue sweater tells me that she has five questions she always asks a guy on the first date. She tells me she's "serious about meeting someone and doesn't have any time to waste." Shit. I try to make a joke, saying I only ask one question on a first date: "Do you have a questionnaire you use on first dates? That tells me all I need to know." She doesn't laugh.
8:30 – I'm sitting with an empty drink, not willing to order another and drag this on. She now knows that my parents are happily married and I do want kids someday. These are good answers, she tells me. She asks me if I would be willing to move away from the East Coast for a job. I say yes, and she makes a small grunt of disapproval. Trick question!
8:35 – It's officially been an hour and I need to end this. I keep trying to make eye contact with the bartender to get the bill. On his fourth pass (I counted) he brings the bill. I say it was great to meet her, and before I know what I'm saying, I tell her, "Yeah, we should do it again sometime." We both know we won't and I wish I hadn't said it.
9:05 – I'm back in bed. No more blind dates from friend's mothers.