Dateline: "The third stalkeriest thing I've ever done…"
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10:00 p.m. – It's Friday night, but I have to get some writing done for an assignment due Saturday morning, because the professor is a dick.
2:15 a.m. – I finish. I know the night is winding down, but I'm full of energy drinks and I want to be able to enjoy at least a little bit of Friday night, so I roll a joint and go for a walk.
2:20 – I'm walking to my sacred spot when I pass by one of the dorms and, in the third stalkeriest thing I've ever done, I notice that the dorm-room light of a female acquaintance I have a crush on is still lit.
2:21 – I text her, "hey you still up? i was about to go on a joint-walk, come with me."
2:22 – I scurry away from the area near her dorm, to one of the mini-greens around campus.
2:24 – She responds. Before I even read it, I decide it's a good sign that she responded within three minutes.
2:25 – I read it: "Sure? Where are you?" I think, "Don't say 'near your window.' Don't say 'near your window.' Don't say 'near your window.'"
2:26 – "Just went to the late-night caf to grab a taco, they were closed though. I'll come pick you up? Where do you live again?" And that's why they call me Mr. Smooth.
2:28 – I meet her at the door of her dorm, and she comes out.
2:29 – I ask if she did anything interesting tonight, and she says she just hung out. Eventually, I get her to admit that she was playing Super Smash Bros. and was embarrassed about it. I enjoy this tidbit.
2:32 – We walk to my spot and sit on the grass and light up.
2:33 – We talk about Super Smash Bros. for awhile. I determine that I'm probably better than her at it.
2:35 – She compliments my joint rolling skills; all my practice finally paid off!
2:37 – I am really high. I can't tell if she is. She wrinkles her nose a lot, and I like that.
2:45 – We talk about silly things till the joint burns down.
2:46 – She asks if I want to take a jaunt around campus. I love the word "jaunt," so I say yes.
2:47 – As we jaunt, she asks if I often ask girls to go smoke weed and walk around aimlessly at two a.m., and I respond, "Am I supposed to?" She laughs at me. At.
2:50 – We see a squirrel and debate whether it's the first time we've seen a squirrel at night before. She claims she has, and I argue she hasn't. She claims she knows her memories better than me. I disagree.
2:51 – We mutually decide that it's convenience-store time, and start walking to the twenty-four-hour place down the street.
2:52 – We discover "literally the perfect sitting tree," and sit at the trunk. She kisses me on the neck, and stares at me expectantly. I'm high and socially disadvantaged in general, so I just kind of giggle.
2:53 – She helps the disabled and starts making out with me. I stop her and ask if she was drinking before I picked her up, and she says no, she was just playing Super Smash Bros. I internally debate externally debating her on the mutual exclusivity of the two activities, but opt to kiss her again instead.
3:00 – She suggests we forgo the convenience store, and go back to her place because she has duck ravioli.
3:01 – I remember being excited for this, but I don't remember if it was because I thought I was going to get laid, or because, duck ravioli!
3:10 – We get back to her place, and someone's stolen the ravioli out of the dorm refrigerator.
3:11 – We lie down in her bed, and eat chips. Lots and lots of chips. We just eat chips and talk, and decide we want to stay up and see the sunrise. We start trying to figure out when sunrise is, but start making out again by mistake.
4:00 – We both doze off and literally, and only literally, sleep together. Morning will bring an awesome breakfast at the local greasy spoon, but I still kind of want those ravioli.