Love & Sex

Dear Feminist Bloggers, Please Don’t Tell Masturbating Men What to Do with Their Bodies

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Don't tell me how to choke my chicken.

By Brian Moylan

Having been raised by a strong and liberated mother and being a human being with a brain, I am a feminist. I believe in full gender equality and, in what small ways I can, fight to make it a reality. So, it is with a heavy heart that I have to tell one of the lady bloggers of excellent feminist website Jezebel that I am not going to stand for her shaming of masturbating men. If we want to use weird Japanese fuck toys alone in our rooms, then who are you to tell us we’re crazy sex perverts for doing so? 

At the risk of “mansplaining” or sounding like one of those horrible “Men’s Rights” people from Reddit, someone needs to tell Erin Gloria Ryan, who wrote a recent article about a guy trying out sex toys for the first time, that this is an area where she has absolutely no expertise and her opinions, frankly, are making matters worse. 

She writes, “Ever seen a blog post about a weird sex toy designed to simulate the feeling of a vagina and thought, what kind of a lonely fuck would use one of those? The same chairsniffers who buy used women's underwear off ebay?” Not only is her capitalization of eBay incorrect, but so is her sentiment. What is wrong with a guy who wants to use a sex toy? Nothing. And how is projecting some sort of unfair stereotype of him as a “lonely fuck” and “chairsniffer” helpful? It’s not. 

Can you imagine if a man wrote an article saying, “What sort of sad Cathy cartoon of a lady uses a dildo? Probably the same kind who is a giant slut but too ugly to get a guy to fuck her.” Jezebel would be the first person to leap on him and tell him what a crass asshole he is, and I would probably Twitter a link to that article in complete agreement. 

Here’s the thing about sex and gender equality: If we want to live in a world where men’s and women’s sexuality is treated equally and where they are both allowed to blossom into something awesome, healthy, and totally filthy dirty (if that’s your bag), then men as well as women need to stop judging each other for the sometimes totally weird and crazy things we do to our own bodies. 

Ryan’s article was a response to a post on BroBible (a site that gives me hives just typing the name) by David Corvucci who got a whole bunch of products from amazing Japanese sex toy maker Tenga and took them for a test drive. It’s a funny, honest piece and definitely worth a read. (I am recommending posts on BroBible. Who have I become?) 

Before giving his first fuck sock a try, Corvucci writes, “I've always considered myself a normal person. Decent even, depending on who you ask. Could that person be reconciled with the guy who fucks Japanese sex toys alone in his room? I've never had a moustache. I don't want to have a moustache and I don't want to be one of those guys, the kind of creepy men who, when they take a girl back to their place to have sex for the first time, bring up lube before the girl's bra is even off.” 

Now where would Corvucci get the idea that if he wants to express himself sexually with a little bit of plastic that he is a gross guy and a creep? Could it be from women like Ryan who would call him a “chairsniffer” for doing so? As someone who will fully admit to being one of “those guys” (who is also – incidentally – a proud Mustached American) I say David should rock on with his big bad self – though I only assume that he is big and bad considering his article gives no context about his size or proficiency. Every man should feel free to do whatever the hell he wants with his cock in his own room by himself. It is his penis. He owns it. If he wants to put it in a piece of cold meat with a slit cut in it, an absolutely terrifying looking sex doll, or something that looks like a crazy torture device, then have at it. If it feels good, you’re into it, and there is no chance I can see it then by all means have your fun. 

And know what? The same thing goes for ladies and what they do under their covers late at night (or early in the morning or in the middle of the afternoon when The Price Is Right is on). Who cares? Go crazy. We’re all just having fun. No reason to make anyone feel bad about it. 

Ryan, however, isn’t done. “An implement called the ‘Flip Hole’ that retails for $110 — and one of the product names in particular — ‘Hole lotion’— really brought out my wretch reflex. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR PREFERRED JERKOFF HAND, GUYS?!”

Let me share with Ryan, and all the other women of the world, a little bit of info. There is nothing wrong with my jerk off hand, but there is something completely amazing about the Tenga Flip Hole. I own two, actually. (As someone, like Corvucci, who writes about sex on the internet, I was given them for free.) They are fucking amazing. They give me the most insanely intense orgasms that I have ever felt. I’m talking about body-rocking, face-contorting, thinking-that-it-will-never-end-and-I-may-have-to-go-to-the-ER orgasms. They are so good I worry about getting addicted to them. They are really fucking great in a way that no person without a penis could possibly understand. And while I jerk off with my hand on almost all occasions, there are some times when only the wonders of technology will be good enough. 

Ryan, who admittedly browses the adult section of Fab.com and all of the motorized pink silicone pleasure devices it entails, should know that sometimes using what God gave us just won’t do the trick. I don’t know what any of those vibrators do or quite how all of those weird textured little rabbits would make anyone feel any better, but it’s none of my business. I might make fun of the craziness and the robot-looking shit we use to give ourselves pleasure, but I would never poke fun at anyone who wants to give it a whirl (or a sit and a spin, as it were) or shame them when they do.  

Sure, the phallus is much easier to stimulate than lady parts, it being completely on the outside of the body and all, but it doesn’t mean boys can’t get as much from a sex device as ladies can. And let’s talk about the devices for a second. Ladies have a far more than guys ever do. If there is one area in the world where women have more choice and opportunity than guys do, then it is in the sex toy aisle. Don’t try to take away from us what little fun we already have. 

And, most importantly, I would never make fun of any woman for her Skittle or whichever way she wants to diddle it. So please, ladies, lay off my chicken. And let me choke it with whatever the fuck I want to without feeling, well, like a jerk-off. 

Header image via BroBible, other Images via Tenga