Every Event at the Summer Olympics, Ranked by Sexiness

Because the Olympics just aren't competitive enough.

by Jeremy Popkin

The Nerve Institute for the Study of Sexiness tirelessly dedicates itself to the assessment of sexiness in all forms, and has recently completed an exhaustive analysis of the Summer Olympics. It's important to note that we're grading the events themselves, not their competitors. Also, bear in mind that the Institute is a very real and fully-accredited place of higher learning whose opinion is the closest the Universe will ever see to an Objective Truth.

38. Dressage
If the phrase “horse ballet” gets you going, you’re probably at the wrong website.

37. Assorted Throwing (Shotput, Discus, Javelin, Hammer)
Ah yes, the ancient art of just throwing something like, really, really far. These events could be improved by judging for accuracy instead of distance. Then it would at least have a kind of hunter-gatherer appeal to it.

36. Eventing
While this is a colloquial term for "having an orgasm" around the Institute, unfortunately, it’s just not that sexy.


35. Handball
This sport would be much sexier if it were the handball practiced against a cement wall. That “whap!” noise really revs our engine.

Zac Purchase Zac Purchase (front) and Mark Hunter of Great Britain compete in the Lightweight Men's Double Sculls Heat 1 at the Shunyi Olympic Rowing-Canoeing Park during Day 2 of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games on August 10, 2008 in Beijing, China.

34. Rowing
The only activity that removes all the mystery and allure of chanting the word, “Stroke!”

Jake Arnold Decathlete Jake Arnold competes in the pole vault event during day four of the U.S. Track and Field Olympic Trials at Hayward Field on June 30, 2008 in Eugene, Oregon.

33. Pole Vault
One of our female interns refers to dodging drunk guys at bars as “pole-vaulting.” That kind of makes it lose its luster.

Apolline Dreyfuss

32. Synchronized swimming
When has a group of people acting in unison ever been anything other than supremely creepy? Maybe the sport would be more attractive if every performance didn’t seem like it was proceeding a ritualistic sacrifice.

31. Shooting
People handling firearms should have no trouble being sexy, but the elaborate gear and goofy uniforms makes everyone look like those weird old guys you see hanging around your nephew’s laser tag party.

Ma Long of China competes during Men's Team Table Tennis first round match against team of Russia on Day 8 of the London 2012 Olympic Games at ExCeL on August 4, 2012 in London, England.

30. Table tennis
We’ve seen people do way hotter things with ping pong balls. Just saying.

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