Because the Olympics just aren't competitive enough.
The Nerve Institute for the Study of Sexiness tirelessly dedicates itself to the assessment of sexiness in all forms, and has recently completed an exhaustive analysis of the Summer Olympics. It's important to note that we're grading the events themselves, not their competitors. Also, bear in mind that the Institute is a very real and fully-accredited place of higher learning whose opinion is the closest the Universe will ever see to an Objective Truth.
If the phrase “horse ballet” gets you going, you’re probably at the wrong website.
37. Assorted Throwing (Shotput, Discus, Javelin, Hammer)
Ah yes, the ancient art of just throwing something like, really, really far. These events could be improved by judging for accuracy instead of distance. Then it would at least have a kind of hunter-gatherer appeal to it.
While this is a colloquial term for "having an orgasm" around the Institute, unfortunately, it’s just not that sexy.
This sport would be much sexier if it were the handball practiced against a cement wall. That “whap!” noise really revs our engine.
The only activity that removes all the mystery and allure of chanting the word, “Stroke!”
33. Pole Vault
One of our female interns refers to dodging drunk guys at bars as “pole-vaulting.” That kind of makes it lose its luster.
32. Synchronized swimming
When has a group of people acting in unison ever been anything other than supremely creepy? Maybe the sport would be more attractive if every performance didn’t seem like it was proceeding a ritualistic sacrifice.
People handling firearms should have no trouble being sexy, but the elaborate gear and goofy uniforms makes everyone look like those weird old guys you see hanging around your nephew’s laser tag party.
30. Table tennis
We’ve seen people do way hotter things with ping pong balls. Just saying.
Impossibly unsexy because saying “slalom” makes you sound like a dog that just ate some peanut butter.
Very knobby knees.
Unless you’re a pirate or Jay-Z, boats are not sexy.
26. Volleyball (indoor)
Volleyball is only sexy when it’s played the way it was meant to be played: outside with the risk of heat stroke and getting sand in your pants.
Fun game to play around the office: Deadlift Face or O-Face?
Greco-Roman wrestling takes all the fun out of the sport by not allowing any holding beneath the waist. That’s like taking all the peanut butter out of a Reese’s.
Show of hands: who here thought Hawkeye was the hottest Avenger? No one? Exactly.
Decidedly not sexy. Still, the sport is impressive for no other reason than the recent game-throwing scandal, which answered the age-old question, “Is it possible for badminton athletes to look more like a bunch of pansies?” with a resounding, “Yes. Yes it is.”
The combination of thrusting and protective full-body armor just makes us think about what Mitt Romney’s wedding night must have looked like.
20. Mountain biking
The great outdoors are improved with many things: gentle guitar music, drugs, and incredibly toned legs barreling down mountains at high speeds.
19. Water polo
You’d think a more naked, wetter version of rugby would be sexier than the original product, but somehow the lack of athletes covered in dirt and grime just really kills the experience.
We just love being manhandled.
Insert “stamina” joke here.
Way sexier than regular boxing, if only because the Olympics are the closest we’ll ever get to fulfilling our personal fantasy of faithfully recreating Punch-Out!!’s international cavalcade of stereotypes.
Competitive bouncing. It’s the Olympic event every teenager dreams of.
Powerful enough to make Roger Federer seem sexy.
13. Track and road cycling
The combination of aerodynamics and enormous quads reaps enormous dividends in sexiness.
Whether it’s the triple-jump, the high jump, or the long jump, these human kangaroos are undeniably sexy. Wait, did we just make it weird?
You show me someone who’s not turned on by a person roundhouse kicking another person in the face and I’ll show you a filthy liar.
10. Field hockey
There’s just something about girls with clubs that really works for us.
[Whatever you do, don’t make some kind of joke about them being “9- second men” — Ed.]
8. Freestyle wrestling
You know it’s sexy when the commentating sounds like someone narrating an absinthe-fueled night at a Turkish bathhouse.
All the steamy action of the regular NBA, but with the jingoistic thrill of watching LeBron James stomp all over less-privileged countries.
If you watch it in soft focus, it’s almost like very graceful porn from tall heights.
5. Modern pentathlon
There’s something really primally sexy about being good at so many different rugged, outdoorsy skills.
4. Artistic Gymnastics
The less that’s said about the relative sexiness of a sport predominantly featuring adolescent girls from around the globe, the better. Moving on.
3. Volleyball (beach)
If you’re somehow able to watch beach volleyball without feeling a sense of shame, you are watching it incorrectly.
2. Rhythmic gymnastics
Really, what is sex if not a sort of rhythmic gymnastics?
Despite Ryan Lochte's best efforts to literally become the literal human embodiment of a douchebag, there's just no getting around how insanely hot they all are. In our scientific estimation: LORDY.