Every Event at the Summer Olympics, Ranked by Sexiness

Because the Olympics just aren't competitive enough.

by Jeremy Popkin

The Nerve Institute for the Study of Sexiness tirelessly dedicates itself to the assessment of sexiness in all forms, and has recently completed an exhaustive analysis of the Summer Olympics. It's important to note that we're grading the events themselves, not their competitors. Also, bear in mind that the Institute is a very real and fully-accredited place of higher learning whose opinion is the closest the Universe will ever see to an Objective Truth.

38. Dressage
If the phrase “horse ballet” gets you going, you’re probably at the wrong website.

37. Assorted Throwing (Shotput, Discus, Javelin, Hammer)
Ah yes, the ancient art of just throwing something like, really, really far. These events could be improved by judging for accuracy instead of distance. Then it would at least have a kind of hunter-gatherer appeal to it.

36. Eventing
While this is a colloquial term for "having an orgasm" around the Institute, unfortunately, it’s just not that sexy.

35. Handball
This sport would be much sexier if it were the handball practiced against a cement wall. That “whap!” noise really revs our engine.

34. Rowing
The only activity that removes all the mystery and allure of chanting the word, “Stroke!”

33. Pole Vault
One of our female interns refers to dodging drunk guys at bars as “pole-vaulting.” That kind of makes it lose its luster.

32. Synchronized swimming
When has a group of people acting in unison ever been anything other than supremely creepy? Maybe the sport would be more attractive if every performance didn’t seem like it was proceeding a ritualistic sacrifice.

31. Shooting
People handling firearms should have no trouble being sexy, but the elaborate gear and goofy uniforms makes everyone look like those weird old guys you see hanging around your nephew’s laser tag party.

30. Table tennis
We’ve seen people do way hotter things with ping pong balls. Just saying.