Love & Sex

Everyone I’ve Ever Had Sex With: Female, 21, Washington D.C.

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"The next morning she called me and said “I need to tell you something” – words no one really likes to hear after having blacked out the night before."

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My first time. There was nothing romantic about it and I actually haven’t thought much of the moment since that year. He started off by gently massaging my shoulders and slipped a condom on when I wasn’t looking. I wish he could have slipped his penis in just as easily.


Wes’ best friend at the time. In my defense, he was my best friend first and the sex with Wes was just too vanilla for my liking. Kobe had an average-to-small sized penis, but his stroke game was on point. I’d have been satisfied if he wasn’t sweating so much. 


Something told me he was gay, but I took it upon myself to get confirmation the hard way (no pun intended). I still don’t know if what we did can truly be considered sex, but what I do know is that I’m one hell of an actress.

Amy, Shay

Two of my best girlfriends at the time. We were incredibly bored and drinking at my house with no plans to go out. I had never been into girls, but after my second Four-Loko, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Let’s just say I learned that night that if I were to ever switch teams, I’d most definitely be on the receiving end of things.


The biggest penis I’ve ever seen in real life to this day. It was New Year’s Eve and I had the tolerance of a newborn baby when it came to alcohol. The last thing I remember about that night is lying face down on my best friend’s kitchen floor as he tried to plow his monster schlong into me. I had trouble walking for days.


I was finally able to cross “have sex with a chubby guy” off my bucket list.

Ned, Puerto Rican Rando

It was the summer before my first year in college, and for some reason I believed it would be a good idea to go to college parties before I started school so I wouldn’t end up like the Catholic girl whose drink always gets spiked. It was a moon-bounce party…need I say more? Because I am inherently predisposed to being drunk, a couple shots and some beer was all I needed to unleash my inner “Catholic school-girl”. My friends and I went inside the house and onto the dance floor. I might’ve shaken my hips once or twice before this cute Latino guy came up behind me and started kissing my neck. What seemed like seconds later, we were on a couch in a basement doing what bunnies do. When my friends came down the stairs looking for me, he tried to hide me under a mattress.


Damien’s best friend and my close friend. Whenever we went out together, she and I were the only girls in a crowd full of guys. And that’s how we liked it, because not many girls could hold their liquor the way we thought (key word: thought) we could. One night, we took it too far. After having mixed various different types of liquor in a short amount of time, I blacked out. The next morning she called me and said, “I need to tell you something” – words no one really likes to hear after having blacked out the night before. She then proceeded to give me the gruesome details of our hookup, but in a way that led me to believe that I had satiated some intense desire she’d always kept secret.

Indian Rando

My best guy friend at the time was Indian and I had a huge crush on him, but swore I’d never tell him because I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I take that back – I didn’t have a crush on him; I just wanted to steal his virginity from him. Nevertheless, I hung out with him one night and things got a little bit heated between us, and I decided to leave before I could make potentially the worst mistake of my life. I went out to a party with my friends that night and because my life is one big cliché, this beautiful Indian guy approached me. We were groping each other from the jump, and when he offered to buy me more drinks, that little voice in my head that usually yells “NOOOO” was nowhere to be found. After a couple of unnecessary drinks, we left the party and went to Harris Teeter to buy condoms. Then we went into my tiny, first year dorm room, started making out, and I can’t remember what happened after that. 


The epitome of a “what the fuck ”moment. Tyler and I met my first year of college and his last year of college at a bar, but he had a girlfriend. He kept telling me that he loved my natural, kinky hair, and that he wished he had met me years before so that we could have gotten to know each other more. We didn’t exchange numbers that night. Two years later, I saw Tyler at the same bar and he drunk-stumbled over to me and asked for my number as if he had never seen me before. We then began texting long distance, talking about music, and disease, and girls with no ass and what not. I was pretty damn settled into the thought that we were just gonna be great, intellectual “buddies” so when he asked me to come visit, I brought my best conversation. Wrong. We got very drunk off bourbon, slow danced to rhythmic Latin music, and ended up fucking each other.


The only girl I’ve ever truly been attracted to. Like, I wanted to fuck her the first time I met her. Romantic, I know. She was so…sexy. It’s hard to explain and you had to be there, but you weren’t. I tried to flirt with her, but because I lack basic social skills and charm, she had no idea what was happening. It wasn’t until I physically pulled her into the bathroom with me and started sucking on her neck, that she realized she was being hit upon. She obviously didn’t mind because she went on to blow my mind.