Alessandro
Alessandro was a sexy Italian guy a friend brought to one of my roof deck parties. He wanted to eat ice cream off my body and I obliged, but he chose pistachio, which had chunks of nuts in it. I vividly remember him kneeling between my legs, stopping every once and a while to chew the nuts he was lapping up from between my legs. Gross.

Abdul
Abdul and I met at the birthday party for a guy I had recently started dating. He had a huge dick but didn't know it, which was an absolute gold mine. He ate pussy like a champ and we spent most of the summer getting stoned and having sex on my roof deck. He let me take a picture of his dick that I keep on my phone.

Dave
He was sexy but had OCD tendencies and sex made him nervous. When we decided to call it quits, we had sex one last time and I got my period by surprise and bled all over his sheets. Whoops. Inside, though, I thought this was hilarious; a nice “fuck you” from my vagina.

Eric
Eric was my most serious relationship to date. I was in love with him, which led to many mind-blowing I-love-you-gasms, but the sex was very vanilla. I think he was terrified of buttholes, which sucked because I have tend to have a thing for them.

Guillaume
Guillaume was a cocky French hipster I met at my favorite dive bar a few weeks after my breakup with Eric. We danced to Talking Heads and The Smiths and I perched on a handrail outside and made out with him while he smoked a cigarette. His penis looked like Mike #1’s, which made me nostalgic for high school, but the sex was lousy so I faked an orgasm and left in the middle of the night while he snored like a freight train.

Noah
Noah was the official rebound after my breakup with Eric but turned out to still be in college. We hooked up for a bit, but he jackhammered too much for my taste and I was too lazy to show him what I liked.

Luke
Things with Luke were too good to be true: He was gorgeous and I was completely smitten with him, but he was another virgin, more religious than the first, and was actively searching for a wife. I did enjoy the frottage briefly, but filled the penis-in-vagina void by sleeping with other people.

Tim
He had recently quit his second job to be in a second band, and I thought that I could have the best of both worlds by sleeping with Tim and spending time with Luke. In practice this just made me feel like a shitty person, so I ended things with both of them the day before I left for Burning Man.

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