Alessandro was a sexy Italian guy a friend brought to one of my roof deck parties. He wanted to eat ice cream off my body and I obliged, but he chose pistachio, which had chunks of nuts in it. I vividly remember him kneeling between my legs, stopping every once and a while to chew the nuts he was lapping up from between my legs. Gross.

Abdul and I met at the birthday party for a guy I had recently started dating. He had a huge dick but didn't know it, which was an absolute gold mine. He ate pussy like a champ and we spent most of the summer getting stoned and having sex on my roof deck. He let me take a picture of his dick that I keep on my phone.

He was sexy but had OCD tendencies and sex made him nervous. When we decided to call it quits, we had sex one last time and I got my period by surprise and bled all over his sheets. Whoops. Inside, though, I thought this was hilarious; a nice “fuck you” from my vagina.

Eric was my most serious relationship to date. I was in love with him, which led to many mind-blowing I-love-you-gasms, but the sex was very vanilla. I think he was terrified of buttholes, which sucked because I have tend to have a thing for them.

Guillaume was a cocky French hipster I met at my favorite dive bar a few weeks after my breakup with Eric. We danced to Talking Heads and The Smiths and I perched on a handrail outside and made out with him while he smoked a cigarette. His penis looked like Mike #1’s, which made me nostalgic for high school, but the sex was lousy so I faked an orgasm and left in the middle of the night while he snored like a freight train.

Noah was the official rebound after my breakup with Eric but turned out to still be in college. We hooked up for a bit, but he jackhammered too much for my taste and I was too lazy to show him what I liked.

Things with Luke were too good to be true: He was gorgeous and I was completely smitten with him, but he was another virgin, more religious than the first, and was actively searching for a wife. I did enjoy the frottage briefly, but filled the penis-in-vagina void by sleeping with other people.

He had recently quit his second job to be in a second band, and I thought that I could have the best of both worlds by sleeping with Tim and spending time with Luke. In practice this just made me feel like a shitty person, so I ended things with both of them the day before I left for Burning Man.


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