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January 9, 2012
Because, as anyone who has ever been cheated on should know, it’s often not about you at all. The unfaithful person has needs of his own to fulfill, and even if you’re capable of fulfilling them, he might be incapable of getting it from you. (Though, yes, if you’ve been denying your partner sex for a long time or if it’s gotten so routine that both parties are just going through the motions, then infidelity is a sad but not unusual result.)
For Yunior, however, it’s as if it’s a foregone conclusion that he’s going to cheat. At a certain point he says he’s a “sucio” (a dirty guy) and at another that he loves cheating as much as the Oscar of the title loves writing.
If you're in a relationship and yet find yourself wanting to act on the unfaithful messages your nether regions are sending, it's time for some heavy-duty examination.
It’s sad, really, because if you’re in a relationship and yet find yourself wanting to act on the unfaithful messages your nether regions are sending, it’s time for some heavy-duty examination — of your relationship and of yourself.
Self should come first, asking the question of what’s really going on. Is the new person just attractive and you feel the twitch? If so, remember that your fantasy might well be better than the realization would be. Or has it been a long time since you’ve been with someone new? Okay, that might be tough, but why? Maybe it means the sex in your relationship has gone stagnant. (Is that your fault? Your partner’s? Is it laziness or are there deeper problems? All this should be explored.) If that’s the case, you’re perhaps just missing the physical pleasure, and you should try to resurrect your love life with your current partner first.
But maybe your sex life is fine with your partner, but you’re missing the seduction thrill. That means you’re still using seduction to bolster your ego, and clearly your sense of self isn’t as confident and secure as it needs to be. And here, too, you have to ask if you are not doing enough or if your partner is not doing what you need — or both. Feeling the need to seduce should be a wake-up call that you’re not getting the ego satisfaction that’s necessary from the other areas of your life. You should probably try to work on those before you go and cheat on the partner you love.
Or perhaps the relationship itself is the culprit: you’re not having sex because your partner doesn’t want to or you don’t want to, and you want to cheat because he or she’s not making you feel how you need to feel.
But realize this: infidelity is a symptom, not a solution. Ultimately the impulse to cheat might help you get out of a bad relationship, but first you need to see if the relationship is worth trying to hold on to. Striving for monogamy helps you get the most out of a partnership by facing the challenges head-on — the only way it works.
It’s clear that none of these questions is about the supposed object of the cheating desire; they’re about you and your relationship and how those things are doing. (And if you’re asking yourself if the new person would be “better for you” than the person you’re with, remember that you probably barely know her or him, are thinking wishfully, and eventually that individual will have their tics and foibles and annoyances just as your current partner does.)
Most impulses toward infidelity are ultimately either passing physical blips or signs that something else is wrong.
For a lot of us, it’s daunting to think that we might have sex with only one person for the rest of our lives, but at the same time, maybe it just requires a rethinking of what sex means. The key to long-term sexual happiness is to have sex be less about seduction, ego, and the symbolic sense of power and more about pleasure, feeling, and expression of intimacy. With that model, the best sex is sex with someone you know and love, and it should get better and better. I understand that there are only so many ways of having sex and you might sometimes feel in a rut, but, truthfully, that’s just a challenge to expand your habits, leave your comfort zones, and grow as a person with your partner. Every challenge to having a fuller sex life with someone you love makes you a better person — more creative, expressive, and self-aware. Sex with only one person is the hard way, but it’s the way that makes us grow and develop to be the fullest people we can be.
Yunior wasn’t ready to go there and instead continued his tomcat ways until Lola finally dumped him for good and married someone else. It’s clear that he always loved her best but wasn’t able to do the hard work to fix himself. As he puts it: “I should have checked myself into Bootie-rehab. But if you thought I was going to do that, you don’t know Dominican men.”
The rest of us should learn from his example. Most impulses toward infidelity are ultimately either passing physical blips or signs that something else is wrong. If you go after the problems themselves, then the Band-Aid solution of cheating stops being worth it. So instead of letting a wandering eye turn into an elicit romp, fix the problem at its source. You’ll have the reward of that much richer a relationship, a self, or both.
Excerpted from Much Ado About Loving by Jack Murnighan and Maura Kelly. Copyright 2012 by Jack Murnighan and Maura Kelly. Excerpted by permission of Free Press, a division of Simon & Schuster. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Commentarium (19 Comments)
I think your premise of 'men cheating' being more ingrained than women has a light dusting if not a solid coating of sexism. Women cheat often....in some cases as often as men. These numbers have also risen over the last twenty years in an extraordinarily fast rate whereas the percentage of men (who admit to cheating) has stayed fairly steady.
The main difference between the two sexes, despite popular myth, is the repercussions that women face. Women face a series of greater negative repercussions for their behaviour from society, religion, other women and their own families. I work as a therapist and I can tell you that many of the women who do cheat tend to block the event from their mind. It's as if it did not exist and they will be some of the biggest proponents of monogamy...fervently so. So I think we should be very careful as we lay out previously debunked myths from uncited 'sociobiologists'.
He is not using the premise of "men cheating" being more ingrained than in women as sexist. It's simply evolution and this is the accepted understanding in evolution. The main difference between the sexes which, evolutionarily, led to all of the other differences, is that females necessarily invest more in offspring and therefore seek mates that will also invest resources in their offspring (hence looking for a male that's faithful and won't be splitting his resources). Males have relatively little strict investment and therefore evolved (as in other species) looking to have offspring with as many females as possible.
However, humans have since evolved a monogamous social system in most groups because it not only ensures that males are invested in the females, but that females will not be mating with other men and a man is not "wasting" his resources on another man's child. Therefore, it's a win-win. However, of course, other impulses are there and that's what this author is pointing out and he is not being sexist in doing so.
Not at all. Be very, very careful before stating that something is an "accepted understanding in evolution"; there is a lot of evidence that female monogamy was also non-existent in pre-agricultural days; it was in a woman's best interest to pass on her genetic material as well, and that men trying to sleep with as many guys as possible so that the cream could, a-hem, rise to the top. And yes, using uncited works to back up a 50's view of sexual relationships -- 'men are dogs, women are monogamous' -- is either sexist or stupid; I won't fight you on which one you pick. Of course, I'm not going to argue that what I posit here is "accepted" either. There is a lot less universally accepted scientific knowledge than some people would like to believe, and someone defending their ideas as firm scientific fact is almost always wrong.
*and that meant trying to
You should have more caution before you make blanket statements such as "this is the accepted understanding in evolution". There really is no such thing when it comes to socialised behaviours that are linked to possible evolutionary theories.
There are many researchers who are now theorising that women have been just as primed by evolution to cheat, as it gives them the greater possibility of getting the best and strongest genetic material for their children. Consider, for example, that sperm stays viable in the woman for 48 hours and that stronger sperm inserted later can still beat out inferior sperm inserted earlier--in other words, a woman who sleeps with an alpha male a day after sleeping with a beta male can have an alpha baby. The more seed a woman collects, the better the chances that she has a stronger, healthier baby. Some have speculated that the ridge on the penis head is actually there to act as an emergency "scoop" to try to drag out competitor's sperm from the woman's vagina. Ain't evolutionary psychology cool?
Then consider as well just the way our bodies are set up. Women are able to have multiple orgasms--why? Indeed, why orgasms at all? Unlike with the male, there is no need for a female to have an orgasm to have a baby. There are many in the academic world who have postulated that this speaks to a biological and evolutionary tendency towards far more sexual activity and pleasure for women than is considered 'normal' in modern society. It certainly speaks to the possibility of a higher sexual need in women than is generally considered and speaks to why so many women sneak around on their partners even though women are "supposed" to be content with monogamy.
On the flip-side, men are actually quite invested in having a monogamous, steady relationship. They are just as interested in passing on their genetic material as the woman, but unlike the woman--who knows that the baby she has is her own--he can only insure that the baby she births is his if he stays close to her throughout the period of conception to ensure that no other man gets the chance to plant his seed.
In short, you really ought to consider reading a wider range of theories and academic papers, rather than just sticking to the ones which support and backup the notions that favour modern society's insistence on woman's moral fortitude and male privilege. Indeed, it is good practice that when presented with a theory in evolutionary psychology which seems too perfect in explaining modern society, rather than the whole scope of human behaviour, to critique those theories on the biases of the researchers who do the work.
so fascinating!!! go women.
What Jess said....oh and @mm you should also take into consideration that in the West we have a monogamous model for our relationships (as a whole) but not in our sexuality. Saying and doing are two separate things.
I think we can all agree the evolution argument is dumb. I'd rather discuss the rest of the article.
Want to keep your partner loyal? Don't ever stop making them feel sexy, desired, and special. If you don't I guarantee someone else will. Nothing is more intoxicating than knowing someone wants you. Your partner should cherish you. I know a relationship is genuine when I feel like my partner and I are a team and no matter what the world throws at us we can face it together. When I feel this way with someone I have zero desire to cheat.
If you want to cheat then cowboy up and leave your partner. You will destroy them with your betrayal and the guilt never goes away. When you discover you have been cheated on the pain is exquisite - you're overwhelmed with shame, humiliation, rage, and profound sadness. Everything about the relationship becomes tainted. We really do hurt the ones we love the most. Don't ever do this to someone - leave before you have the opportunity to cheat and the world will be a better place because of it.
@sm so no one is destroyed when you leave them to sleep with someone else without cheating? Are you saying the act of serial monogamy, going from one partner to the next has no repercussions on their partners? There is no humiliation, rage and profound sadness when someone leaves you for another but refrains from cheating on you?
I know many couples who are together today after an affair (some for 15 years or more now) and are incredibly happy that they stayed together. I guess my point is that it is easy to be self righteous about this topic but human beings are messy and inconsistent and almost all of these issues have huge swathes of grey when you get a bit deeper.
Short answer? No.
I don't get it. he starts off by claiming that when men wore pelts, there were no relationships. That sex was no "more than just the delivery of the genetic matter". And yet, what are our "primitive" motivations for desiring someone else? Well, he describes them as a need to be wanted and desired and for the self to be fulfilled. Well, that doesn't sound much like simply delivering genetic matter. Could it be that our ancestors, and therefor us, were more complex than that? Perhaps we've always needed that affirmation, even back when we wore pelts. And while monogamy has been heralded as a great virtue, the reality is that our history is replete with adultery; it is ubiquitous. I'm not saying that we should all cheat. I am saying that it is mere conjecture to think that monogamy is the best way to realize the self. Surely there are great men and women who have achieved their most personal and greatest successes despite or perhaps because they have cheated. Or perhaps they didn't cheat. Perhaps they achieved their heights by having an open and honest relationship with whomever they were with. It is merely wishful thinking that only through dedication to one partner and one partner only can one achieve their highest heights.
Where are all the responsible nonmonogamists on this thread? Yes cheating is absolutely bad. But why is this whole thread posed in terms like "If you want to cheat then cowboy up and leave your partner. You will destroy them with your betrayal and the guilt never goes away." Brrr. Or talk about it with them and see if nonmonogamy is a possibility?
Seriously, if your attitude is monogamy or divorce (looking at you, @sm), you may be reading articles on the wrong website.
So full of shit. You sound like a total douche.
I thought I remembered Murnighan from the old Nerve as a good, thoughtful writer. But man, this article sucks. Did we really need platitudes like this?
"Sex with only one person is the hard way, but it’s the way that makes us grow and develop to be the fullest people we can be."
Nerve, kindly spare us from this sort of monogamist triumphalism.
I mean, did anyone tell Murnighan that sex can be, y'know, fun? That it's not all about power and seduction and ego, but also about sensation and difference and the unexpected? That novelty is powerfully erotic, and that people respond in incredibly different ways, so that it can be literally impossible to have the same kind of sex with Person A as with Person B -- but both of them are great, just different?
No, it can't be about that. It's about the fragile male ego -- or no, then it's the male unwillingness to make a commitment -- or anything else to obscure the fact that compulsory monogamy is a fucking drag (pun intended), and that most of us would rather not have to do it. It's great if you WANT to, but most of us aren't really given a choice: it's monogamy or nothing. And sorry, but having your spouse wear a funny hat is no substitute for sex with another person.
Wow the first 5 paragraphs were really dry and self-congratulatory. Is it worth reading the rest?
" So instead of letting a wandering eye turn into an elicit romp..."
An "elicit" romp!? I do hope the book's copy editors aren't finished.
As Freud says " the greatest tragedy of modern life is one sexual standard for everyone."
Time to read Sex at Dawn, guys. While the desire for multiple partners may be inherent in both men and women, the way we deal with that desire is cultural. Consensual multiple sexual relationships are the most sane way I know to deal with the desire for multiple sexual partners in a satisfying and ethical way. Specifically I mean polyamory and/or swinging. The other ways desire for multiple sexual partners is dealt with in our society is serial monogamy or dating, rape, slavery, and patriarchal polygamy. Or we repress it and hope for the best with celibacy or monogamy. Like it or not, there are millions of us practicing polyamory and/or swinging, and we are getting along at least as well as monogamists.
Humans (men and women alike) cheat at all aspects of life. Any one aspect of human life can be looked at like a microcosm for the rest of it. We are naturally deceptive and self-serving. It simply is what it is. But this is not locked into being, there is always the option of choice. A human is free to make a choice and depending on their cultural mores and their "lot in life" these mores can change are are subjective. It is easy to paint things in black or white but the narrative is much more stratified than a singular one accepted path. What is more obvious than all of this is that boys rule and girls drool...Clearly.