Five Possible Reasons Your Roommate Has Magnum Condoms

Because everyone knows the most obvious, self-esteem-crushing explanation is not always the right one.

David Beckham

By Ray Rahman

Stay calm. There must be a perfectly good reason as to why your roommate has a bunch of Trojan Magnums in his drawer, which you opened only because you needed a pen for something, you swear. Here are some highly eligible explanations that have nothing to do with his penis being bigger than yours:

1. Science project.

He is kind of crafty. Remember that time he found a way to play stuff from your laptop on the TV? You thought the world of him then. And now? Now you don’t know what to think. All you can see are so many giant condoms. But who knows, maybe he needs them for some very important and nonsexual project that he’s never told you about. Awesome, let’s go with that.

2. You’re in the wrong apartment.
It’s a big building, you know? All these units look the same. You probably just walked into Apt. 6D on accident. Yes, the guy in 6D — he’s the one with the really big penis, not your roommate.

3. Groupon.
It’s still a recession, isn’t it? Yes? Good. Actually, great! This makes total sense. Everyone buys things they don’t really need from Groupon from time to time. Like, you still haven’t taken advantage of the ninety-dollar endocrinology consultation that you bought for eighty-seven dollars. So, you know, maybe he just got a really good deal on oversized prophylactics, and now they’re just sitting around in his room, not being used.

4. He’s a serial killer.
You’ve seen the movies. Serial killers are sickos! They’re always doing all sorts of weird things, like putting lady faces over their man faces, or listening to Huey Lewis and the News, or buying really large latex condoms. There you have it, your roommate is a serial killer with a penis of equal or lesser value than yours. Whew!

5. He has a bigger penis than you.
Just kidding! That’s definitely not what’s going on here. Well, maybe. Anyway, who cares if he does? It's not the end of the world. Besides, you always have the option of moving out of there and never, ever talking to him again.

Commentarium (33 Comments)

Jan 28 11 - 3:16am
k

This was dumb, except the picture was quite nice

Jan 28 11 - 4:28am
PF

Oh, lighten up and laugh like I did.

Jan 28 11 - 5:20am
Bart

Or he's closet gay and his bf is huge.

Jan 28 11 - 9:31am
jaycee

6) He's using them to fuck. With your mind.

Jan 28 11 - 9:44am
@jaycee

that's funnier than anything on this list

Jan 28 11 - 12:30pm
Moops

What's worse than finding out your roommate wears magnums? Finding out that's the reason you ass hurts every morning!

Jan 29 11 - 1:18am
RJ

Because it's thick, not long.

Jan 29 11 - 2:59am
yup

Its when you're girlfriend has them that you should feel threatened

Jan 29 11 - 4:38am
ana

So I take it the assumption here is that the average guy would be horrified if his roommate had a big cock? Um . . . why? If they're not competing for the same girl, or the same underwear modeling job, how on earth could it matter? I'm a girl and have had a lot of female roommates over the years. Never once did I stop to wonder whether Stephanie had a bigger clit than me, or if Anna's labia were prettier, or Tanya's spleen more robust. Are men really supposed to be that obsessed with what's in each others' trousers? In that case, wouldn't it be equally horrible to know that some bloke on the bus might have a bigger cock? Oh, the humanity.

Jan 29 11 - 4:49am
Josh

@ Ana.... You sound as if you don't get laid often. Your either fat or ugly, or a horrific combination of both.

Jan 29 11 - 5:09am
TwiddlerOnTheHoof

@ana - Nicely put but the caveat of cock size mattering if they're going for the same girl dials the whole thing back to zero. If they're room mates, then this caveat is less a caveat, more a Pavlovian response. In most cases the subject of their ardour will probably be oblivious to them both but the cock-off will occur nonetheless. You've just given the lesser becocked of our hypothetical duo that much more (where more is less) reason to worry about.

Jan 29 11 - 9:01am
hmm

Magnum condoms are actually not much bigger than regular ones.

Jan 29 11 - 9:16am
Sonya

@Josh ... of course she must be fat and ugly, because appearance defines how well women can put together a logical critique, am I right? Enjoy the rest of your life with the shallow and stupid, which incidentally is exactly where this article resides.

Jan 29 11 - 9:33am
statistician

my current partner uses magnums and honestly, he is certainly not the most well-endowed man i've been with (he's maybe 6", decently thick), and everyone else who had really huge cocks (7+ inches and thick, there were about 3 of those) was just fine with regular condoms. So, you left off one important possibility: he uses magnums because he just thinks he needs them, not because he actually does.

Jan 29 11 - 4:16pm
icequeen

Its better than using a cotton sock, for his play time that way its disposable! Less clean up..... just saying!

Jan 29 11 - 7:47pm
JH

@Josh... Don't worry...no one knows that you're simply trying to compensate for your insecurities (which seem justified...I'd be insecure I were you, too) by toting a homophobic chip on your shoulder (which is really a facade for your homoerotic fantasies) that unfortunately manifests in such a way you're compelled to project an overly masculine persona that translates to insults of particular women and female sexuality more generally.

Jan 29 11 - 7:49pm
JH

@Josh...by the way, "your" and "you're" are different words that English speakers use in different contexts to mean different things.

Jan 30 11 - 1:19am
Mag User

Lame article. Get over it pencil dick.

Jan 30 11 - 3:25pm
ana

@Josh . .. well, I am about 10 lbs heavier than when I was modelling and dancing professionally, so I guess by the entertainment industry's standards I am indeed fat. And it's true, I have a lot less sex than I once did when I had a husband, a secondary boyfriend, and a "friend with benefits"--scheduling just got too difficult, so I'm down to just the husband and the boyfriend now. Probably don't really get it more than 3 or 4 times a week on average. Which is definitely not enough--I'm with you there for sure my friend--but as one gets older sometimes you just have to settle. Luckily my boyfriend is quite a bit younger than me, so one night with him means 5 or 6 rounds, so that can help tide a fat, aging gal over!

And I agree w/ all that Magnums aren't *that* much bigger. The Magnum XL is a wee tad larger, but my sweetheart said it still does pinch a bit. And he's nicely hung, but not porno circus huge. (My recent FWB *was* porno circus huge, and he definitely had a problem with Magnums being too tight. His solution was to take breaks where he took the condom off and we did other stuff for a while, then he'd put a new one on and continue. Seems to work pretty well--plus of course meant I got more oral sex, and who's to argue with that!?!(

Jan 31 11 - 4:11am
Fla

@Ana: Touche!

Jan 31 11 - 6:35pm
Bigman

Or maybe I'm your roommate!

Feb 02 11 - 10:34pm
@ana

i hope making up all that bullshit made you feel better about yourself....

Feb 04 11 - 6:22pm
jill

Condom makers should go the same way as women's clothes makers and just change the name of the sizes, without actually changing the sizes. Thus, a regular would be rebranded as "extra-large," etc... No cost, everybody's happy.
jill
http://inbedwithmarrriedwomen.blogspot.com

Feb 04 11 - 11:42pm
ally

@statistician
I'd have to argue, my boyfriend is 7 1/2 inches and pretty thick and uses magnum condoms, cuz he needs them. The couple of times we've attempted to use smaller condoms (once a planned parenthood condom out of desperation and once bought the wrong kind) they've broken. Therefore, it's safe to assume he's too damn big for a regular condom

Feb 08 11 - 2:48pm
anna

@ally:
My ex-BF was six inches, but thick as hell, and the same thing would happen when we used regular condoms-hence the Magnums.
Also: People need to understand it's not all about length, but also thickness and even shape-just because someone uses Magnums or other XL condoms it doesn't mean they necessarily have a porno cock.

Feb 10 11 - 2:11am
murmh

@ana- you are my hero, i love you. i am a woman, who is straight, but as soon as i read mr. "josh's" response to your initial comment, i wanted to reach through the computer and slap him. Then you proved that i did not need to do that, you were completely capable of doing that yourself. YAY!

Feb 21 11 - 4:29pm
matt

So Ana, is fat/ugly AND a tramp added the mix.. well done !

Mar 07 11 - 4:00am
David

in all honesty to put it in a way for girls to understand what its like. i know not all girls are competitive in this sense, but many girls can feel inadequate next to say another girl who has way bigger boobs than her or a nicer figure and get jealous or envious of them cus they r hotter. to compare a mans dick competition to a girls vagina against another girls vagina isnt the same thing, its not really something thats measurable like a dick is. yea so someones hole is bigger than the other but its really not the same frankly all vaginas look the same to me lol (im gay and i hate using the word to begin with, i dont even like to type it lol). the point is as silly as it might sound to girls and some guys, a mans dick can effect him as a person greatly, like what i have observed is that guys who r bigger tend to just be way more laid back and confident even though u cant see it all the time and they know people cant, but for some reason they just end up being like that personality-wise cus they r content with themselves. guys with smaller dicks tend to be uptight and jumpy and often neurotic because they arent happy with their size and a whole bunch of various other factors.

guys in the average range tend to be a little of both laid back and uptight cus they r content with themselves but can fell inadequate at times. this is my own personal consensus, i have just noticed these patterns in guys for quite sometime, of course there is always the odd man out who may not follow these guidelines but its a very common thing that ive seen. all in all comparing cocks or even seeing a guy who has bigger condoms than u or w.e can make u feel inadequate, especially in places like gym locker rooms and situations where everyone is naked together, it certainly is a measuring contest even though it might not be broadcast as such.

Mar 07 11 - 4:01am
David

oh and P.S thickness matters WAY more when it comes to sex than length. thin cocks r easy to take no matter how long they r its the thick ones that r a pain (literally hah).

Jun 20 11 - 8:38pm
erika

my boobs are smaller than my roomate's and im not jealous of her's
and it's true, my boyfriend is a magnum man and maybe that explains why he's comfortable with himself, nicer, etc, not an a*hole like my previous smaller bf
i'm pretty happy, actually very happy and it's fun to leave condoms laying around so that roomates see them
one more thing, my bf is basketball tall and he has a hard time finding clothes that fit, the bigger the man, well the bigger he is

Oct 02 11 - 12:14am
oww

bechkam very nice photos :)
sex

Feb 06 12 - 8:01pm
Ricky

@ana well said and @josh get you some damn business

May 16 12 - 8:29am
Me

Matt and Josh are obviously the same person, lol