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Five Possible Reasons Your Roommate Has Magnum Condoms
Because everyone knows the most obvious, self-esteem-crushing explanation is not always the right one.
By Ray Rahman
Stay calm. There must be a perfectly good reason as to why your roommate has a bunch of Trojan Magnums in his drawer, which you opened only because you needed a pen for something, you swear. Here are some highly eligible explanations that have nothing to do with his penis being bigger than yours:
1. Science project.
He is kind of crafty. Remember that time he found a way to play stuff from your laptop on the TV? You thought the world of him then. And now? Now you don’t know what to think. All you can see are so many giant condoms. But who knows, maybe he needs them for some very important and nonsexual project that he’s never told you about. Awesome, let’s go with that.
2. You’re in the wrong apartment.
It’s a big building, you know? All these units look the same. You probably just walked into Apt. 6D on accident. Yes, the guy in 6D — he’s the one with the really big penis, not your roommate.
It’s still a recession, isn’t it? Yes? Good. Actually, great! This makes total sense. Everyone buys things they don’t really need from Groupon from time to time. Like, you still haven’t taken advantage of the ninety-dollar endocrinology consultation that you bought for eighty-seven dollars. So, you know, maybe he just got a really good deal on oversized prophylactics, and now they’re just sitting around in his room, not being used.
4. He’s a serial killer.
You’ve seen the movies. Serial killers are sickos! They’re always doing all sorts of weird things, like putting lady faces over their man faces, or listening to Huey Lewis and the News, or buying really large latex condoms. There you have it, your roommate is a serial killer with a penis of equal or lesser value than yours. Whew!
5. He has a bigger penis than you.
Just kidding! That’s definitely not what’s going on here. Well, maybe. Anyway, who cares if he does? It's not the end of the world. Besides, you always have the option of moving out of there and never, ever talking to him again.